Had my doctor's apt yesterday and it went fairly well. The doctor's really nice and decided to schedule me for another ultrasound on the 12th of January just to make sure everything's going good. So I now have that ultrasound in 2 weeks and also have to go do the glucose test sometime in the next 2 weeks as well. So I'll probably do both on the 12th, do the glucose test in the morning and the ultrasound in the afternoon. Woot!
He pretty much said that as long as everything's going good I won't see him for another 4 weeks... so that means I have an apt in 2 weeks for US and Blood and 2 weeks after with him. Which is nice. Makes me feel like we're getting a little bit of extra care. At my next apt with him (on the 26th or so) I will be starting having apts with him every 2 weeks from then on. I asked him about the need for steroids and such and he said that unless we look like we are going to be pre-me for sure that he doesn't think we'll need it. He also said that anytime after 32weeks is safe. So that means anytime after the last week of February that we are safe to go into labour, and that we won't have to spend a long time in hospital at that point. Which makes me a little more at ease being I have a hard time believing that I won't go into labour before the April 20th point.
So we need 8 more weeks to be safe! The count down in on!!
Dec 30, 2010
Dec 28, 2010
Back to the grind
We are back to the grind stone... woot... and I still haven't managed to finish all my christmas gifts. LOL. I know I'm a little late but I should have them all done before New Years so I can give them to people.
I'm just feeling mostly off today. I don't really know why, I think it's just one of those days where no matter what you do you can't seem to shake the feeling.
I think I'm going to give up checking the NILMDTS forums for a little while. I'm just getting too depressed with the people on there. I know I was one of them, but I think that a site like that is for those who need to vent their grief, and although I need to vent I don't feel like the site's actually helping at the moment. I'll probably check up on it every few days but I don't think I'll go on everyday for a bit. It's hard when most of the women on there lost their little one's to still birth, miscarriage or to complications that they had warning about. I sometimes feel that I'm such a rare case on how our events took place that it's hard to relate to others. I know that they all mean well, heck I know everyone in my life means well, but I just can't shake the fear, worry and depression that I can feel nagging at me from the edges. I think it would be best if I stopped looking at that site. It'll just give me some time to not think about all the other problem's I could face in the last few months. If I don't have to read about them then maybe I'll be able to try and focus on the good stuff instead. Or at least not drone on their grief. We'll see if that works.
So maybe I'll go to a movie tonight, maybe that'll shake this feeling today.
I'm just feeling mostly off today. I don't really know why, I think it's just one of those days where no matter what you do you can't seem to shake the feeling.
I think I'm going to give up checking the NILMDTS forums for a little while. I'm just getting too depressed with the people on there. I know I was one of them, but I think that a site like that is for those who need to vent their grief, and although I need to vent I don't feel like the site's actually helping at the moment. I'll probably check up on it every few days but I don't think I'll go on everyday for a bit. It's hard when most of the women on there lost their little one's to still birth, miscarriage or to complications that they had warning about. I sometimes feel that I'm such a rare case on how our events took place that it's hard to relate to others. I know that they all mean well, heck I know everyone in my life means well, but I just can't shake the fear, worry and depression that I can feel nagging at me from the edges. I think it would be best if I stopped looking at that site. It'll just give me some time to not think about all the other problem's I could face in the last few months. If I don't have to read about them then maybe I'll be able to try and focus on the good stuff instead. Or at least not drone on their grief. We'll see if that works.
So maybe I'll go to a movie tonight, maybe that'll shake this feeling today.
Dec 27, 2010
Holiday's are over...
So the Christmas insanity is mostly done. Back to the grind (ish) and back to figuring out how to stay sane over the next few months.
Wednesday we will be officially 24 weeks... which will start the 6th month... exactly 5 weeks and 6 days before we went into labour with Cole. Does this totally freak us out... well DUH! It can't help but freak us out. We are scared and paranoid and nervous and worried... I'm not sure how I will handle it if we have another loss. Heck even if this baby is healthy, but if pre-me and we have to stay in the NICU, I'm not sure I'll be able to take it well.
I know I try to stay positive, but it's really hard. So far baby's doing well. She's kicking up a storm and I'm starting to feel like I'm exploding... and we still have almost 4 months to go. The sneeze-peeing is driving me batty, but that's a small price to deal with for a healthy baby.
Our first Christmas without Cole was better than expected. It helped that we weren't around other kids at all, so I didn't have to deal with that overwhelming feeling of loss and missing out on something. I still feel jiped in some ways about being so jaded over being pregnant. Both my husband and I feel that way. But there's not much we can do about it, especially being we are so against buying stuff and preparing so much for this baby. I just couldn't handle haven'ing to pack up all the baby stuff again if something happened. Heck I don't know if I will be able to deal at all... we'll just hope and pray that everything goes WONDERFULLY! That baby is as close to full term as is healthy for her, and that she will be happy, and healthy, and safe... and be able to come home the way we hope and not the way we fear.
I'm a little sad at times, as is to be expected. And I feel like I'm letting Cole down for not being sad enough... I feel like I'm supposed to be like these women on the sites I'm on who are emotional basket cases years after the loss of their little ones. I'm worried that I'm not dealing with the grief... but maybe I'm dealing with it better than they are... who knows. But I can't understand some people. Some of these women put up a stocking for their lost baby with their living kids stockings... some even buy presents from the dead baby to give to the living kids... some people kinda freak me out on the whole thing. I will probably do something at the anniversary of Cole's loss and on his birthday. Even if it's just me sitting at home being sad. I'm not sure... I'm debating if I should do something, but when you ask these ladies some of them even have birthday parties for the baby (with a cake and all). I don't think that's healthy. I don't think that's healing. I think that it makes them hang onto the loss and doesn't allow them to grow. To heal. I hope I'm not being insensitive. Maybe I am. Maybe I should feel that way, but I can't... I can't dwell... in my head that's giving up. Just like I couldn't hide in my room and weep for weeks after we got home, just like I couldn't stop and just give up... the most giving up I did was not to go back to work. I tried for 2 months then got pregnant, at that point my contract through the agency I was working ended so I just didn't bother trying really hard to find something. Now I didn't stop looking, but to be honest I wasn't as gungho to look and try and get a job as I would have been if I hadn't been going through what I was going through, and hadn't just found out I was pregnant and having insane morning sickness.
I'm scared about everything for this baby. Everything to come, and I have a really hard time believing some days that this baby will actually come home alive. Most days I think everything will be fine, she will be born healthy and everything will be great... or as great as they can be. But somedays I panic that it will just be another heart ache... and I know if this pregnancy doesn't succeed then we won't be trying again. I know this for sure. I know that both my husband and I couldn't deal with the stress of trying a third time and I'd be worried our relationship couldn't deal with that pain again. I know we'd probably try for adoption or something of the sort, but not to be pregnant again.
So, I'll stop this long winded depressing blog and ask for all the hope and prayers from whatever Gods you may believe in... and I'll try to be positive and hopeful... She will be happy and healthy and safe and strong and come home so I can watch her grow up and be part of her life..... That's the mantra at the moment....
Wednesday we will be officially 24 weeks... which will start the 6th month... exactly 5 weeks and 6 days before we went into labour with Cole. Does this totally freak us out... well DUH! It can't help but freak us out. We are scared and paranoid and nervous and worried... I'm not sure how I will handle it if we have another loss. Heck even if this baby is healthy, but if pre-me and we have to stay in the NICU, I'm not sure I'll be able to take it well.
I know I try to stay positive, but it's really hard. So far baby's doing well. She's kicking up a storm and I'm starting to feel like I'm exploding... and we still have almost 4 months to go. The sneeze-peeing is driving me batty, but that's a small price to deal with for a healthy baby.
Our first Christmas without Cole was better than expected. It helped that we weren't around other kids at all, so I didn't have to deal with that overwhelming feeling of loss and missing out on something. I still feel jiped in some ways about being so jaded over being pregnant. Both my husband and I feel that way. But there's not much we can do about it, especially being we are so against buying stuff and preparing so much for this baby. I just couldn't handle haven'ing to pack up all the baby stuff again if something happened. Heck I don't know if I will be able to deal at all... we'll just hope and pray that everything goes WONDERFULLY! That baby is as close to full term as is healthy for her, and that she will be happy, and healthy, and safe... and be able to come home the way we hope and not the way we fear.
I'm a little sad at times, as is to be expected. And I feel like I'm letting Cole down for not being sad enough... I feel like I'm supposed to be like these women on the sites I'm on who are emotional basket cases years after the loss of their little ones. I'm worried that I'm not dealing with the grief... but maybe I'm dealing with it better than they are... who knows. But I can't understand some people. Some of these women put up a stocking for their lost baby with their living kids stockings... some even buy presents from the dead baby to give to the living kids... some people kinda freak me out on the whole thing. I will probably do something at the anniversary of Cole's loss and on his birthday. Even if it's just me sitting at home being sad. I'm not sure... I'm debating if I should do something, but when you ask these ladies some of them even have birthday parties for the baby (with a cake and all). I don't think that's healthy. I don't think that's healing. I think that it makes them hang onto the loss and doesn't allow them to grow. To heal. I hope I'm not being insensitive. Maybe I am. Maybe I should feel that way, but I can't... I can't dwell... in my head that's giving up. Just like I couldn't hide in my room and weep for weeks after we got home, just like I couldn't stop and just give up... the most giving up I did was not to go back to work. I tried for 2 months then got pregnant, at that point my contract through the agency I was working ended so I just didn't bother trying really hard to find something. Now I didn't stop looking, but to be honest I wasn't as gungho to look and try and get a job as I would have been if I hadn't been going through what I was going through, and hadn't just found out I was pregnant and having insane morning sickness.
I'm scared about everything for this baby. Everything to come, and I have a really hard time believing some days that this baby will actually come home alive. Most days I think everything will be fine, she will be born healthy and everything will be great... or as great as they can be. But somedays I panic that it will just be another heart ache... and I know if this pregnancy doesn't succeed then we won't be trying again. I know this for sure. I know that both my husband and I couldn't deal with the stress of trying a third time and I'd be worried our relationship couldn't deal with that pain again. I know we'd probably try for adoption or something of the sort, but not to be pregnant again.
So, I'll stop this long winded depressing blog and ask for all the hope and prayers from whatever Gods you may believe in... and I'll try to be positive and hopeful... She will be happy and healthy and safe and strong and come home so I can watch her grow up and be part of her life..... That's the mantra at the moment....
Dec 23, 2010
BAKING....
This week I've been a baking machine. I think it helps me stay in the holiday spirit and not be totally depressed. I can't help but being sad most days, and yesterday was right up there. But I'm feeling good today so we'll see if this mood manages to last the day or if it's going to falter at some point.
Yesterday was hard. We had gotten in a check from the government for our HST and decided to get small gifts for family members. We couldn't decide on what to get Polar Bear's dad so we got a nice table frame and put a picture of Cole's foot and our hands on one side and one or our wedding pics on the other. It looks really nice but trying to get the pictures ready was hard. It meant I had to go through the pics from NILMDTS, which are beautiful but I totally avoid doing being they make me sad. I keep thinking one day I'll get them printed for me and make a scrapbook, or more like finish the scrapbook that I had started for him before he was born. In it all there is is his ultrasound pics. I have everything in boxes and around to put in it but just can't bring myself to go through it.
My husband thinks I'll never get it done. I may after this baby's born.... or I may ask a friend to do it for me... or at least help me do it... I don't know. I feel I should do it myself and that I'm letting Cole down in some way if I don't but at the same time I have such a hard time looking and going through the stuff that I'm not sure I'll be able to do it.
I'll have to wait on that, maybe in time I'll be able to tackle that project. Maybe.
For now it's cookies! Today's plan is sugar cookies... homemade pizza pockets... and tea biscuits! WOOT! Happy baking everyone!
Yesterday was hard. We had gotten in a check from the government for our HST and decided to get small gifts for family members. We couldn't decide on what to get Polar Bear's dad so we got a nice table frame and put a picture of Cole's foot and our hands on one side and one or our wedding pics on the other. It looks really nice but trying to get the pictures ready was hard. It meant I had to go through the pics from NILMDTS, which are beautiful but I totally avoid doing being they make me sad. I keep thinking one day I'll get them printed for me and make a scrapbook, or more like finish the scrapbook that I had started for him before he was born. In it all there is is his ultrasound pics. I have everything in boxes and around to put in it but just can't bring myself to go through it.
My husband thinks I'll never get it done. I may after this baby's born.... or I may ask a friend to do it for me... or at least help me do it... I don't know. I feel I should do it myself and that I'm letting Cole down in some way if I don't but at the same time I have such a hard time looking and going through the stuff that I'm not sure I'll be able to do it.
I'll have to wait on that, maybe in time I'll be able to tackle that project. Maybe.
For now it's cookies! Today's plan is sugar cookies... homemade pizza pockets... and tea biscuits! WOOT! Happy baking everyone!
Dec 21, 2010
Tis the season...
The holiday season is always worst without the ones you love. Especially when you know that you'll never get them back. I wake up each morning lately in a bit of a panic about whether the baby's moving and ok. I know I can't do anything about it if the baby wasn't but I can't help but worry. I lay in bed and wait and then I feel a kick and I'm ok for a while longer, to either go back to sleep or get up and start the day.
I'm sad every day lately, I perk up in the afternoon, but underneath my happy exterior I could easily cry if someone says the wrong thing.
The holidays suck for those who have lost.... Hugs to all who are in the same boat.
I'm sad every day lately, I perk up in the afternoon, but underneath my happy exterior I could easily cry if someone says the wrong thing.
The holidays suck for those who have lost.... Hugs to all who are in the same boat.
Dec 20, 2010
Monday
Why is it when you actually want to do something specific on the internet, especially government sites, they always seem to be down.
My husband has been told all we need to do is reapply for EI and they will re-start his old claim and put through the new one so it's there when the old one runs out. Which is AWESOME, but means I need to get onto the actual site to apply and it's been down all morning, GAH! I'm not too worried, it'll get done sometime today or tomorrow.
Had a fairly decent weekend. Was feeling off on Friday and my husband was feeling off on Saturday. It's normal, this holiday thing with kids and people and stuff sucks. I have no money, don't really want to see too many people and no kid. Honestly most days I'm ok, but yesterday was 10mths since Cole passed, which is why we feel off sometime during the weekend. I find every month around the 17th to the 24th I feel off. I just don't really want to do anything, and if I do end up wanting to do stuff I want to be really busy.
Friday night I had a good time seeing friends that I haven't seen regularly in a while. If it wouldn't have been as low key as it was I don't know if I would have went. It has nothing to do with the people or anything I just barely got myself out of bed on Friday. I was really not in the mood to go out and be around a large crowd so being it was at a friends house and just a few of us worked out really good.
I need to get a whole bunch of crap done for this week and next. Hopefully it'll all get done in time :)
My husband has been told all we need to do is reapply for EI and they will re-start his old claim and put through the new one so it's there when the old one runs out. Which is AWESOME, but means I need to get onto the actual site to apply and it's been down all morning, GAH! I'm not too worried, it'll get done sometime today or tomorrow.
Had a fairly decent weekend. Was feeling off on Friday and my husband was feeling off on Saturday. It's normal, this holiday thing with kids and people and stuff sucks. I have no money, don't really want to see too many people and no kid. Honestly most days I'm ok, but yesterday was 10mths since Cole passed, which is why we feel off sometime during the weekend. I find every month around the 17th to the 24th I feel off. I just don't really want to do anything, and if I do end up wanting to do stuff I want to be really busy.
Friday night I had a good time seeing friends that I haven't seen regularly in a while. If it wouldn't have been as low key as it was I don't know if I would have went. It has nothing to do with the people or anything I just barely got myself out of bed on Friday. I was really not in the mood to go out and be around a large crowd so being it was at a friends house and just a few of us worked out really good.
I need to get a whole bunch of crap done for this week and next. Hopefully it'll all get done in time :)
Dec 17, 2010
I'm tired
I don't know why but today I'm tired and can tell I could easily become cranky without much effort. I had a crappy sleep last night, I slept but had weird dreams all night and that was that restful. I don't really know what's going on in my head so it doesn't help make me feel more restful.
My sick household is mostly healthy again. But I need to actually get motivated to change the sheets and everything in the house being the room still smells sicky. But I'm happy for a healthy husband and that I never caught what he had.
I feel drained. I'm sick of worrying about everything. It drives me nuts, I try really hard not to be a worrier but I seem to fail most of the time. I'm worried about money, I'm worried about bills, I'm worried about groceries, I'm worried about christmas, I'm worried about my husband (who doesn't do well when laid off) and of course I'm always worried about the baby. I know that I'm probably focusing on my other worries more so I can avoid the constant baby worry, but it's always there in the back of my head. I can't help but worry. I'm trying so hard to be hopeful and positive but it's just not that easy some days. You can't help but prepare yourself for the absolute worst and in some ways have a hard time believing that the worst won't happen. Maybe it's just personal experience that clouds everything, but it's hard to be positive when you haven't actually experienced the positive.
There are a TON of pregnant women around. It seems like everywhere I go there's at least one. And they're happy and excited and planning. I feel like I missed something. My family does these big things for baby showers and I feel like I'm missing it all cause I'm too nervous and easily upset. It's annoying.
I'll just keep going on the idea that at some point I'll be able to be excited and happy without worry. (I'll have a whole new set of worries) And maybe I'll be able to experience some of the other joys after the baby's here.
My sick household is mostly healthy again. But I need to actually get motivated to change the sheets and everything in the house being the room still smells sicky. But I'm happy for a healthy husband and that I never caught what he had.
I feel drained. I'm sick of worrying about everything. It drives me nuts, I try really hard not to be a worrier but I seem to fail most of the time. I'm worried about money, I'm worried about bills, I'm worried about groceries, I'm worried about christmas, I'm worried about my husband (who doesn't do well when laid off) and of course I'm always worried about the baby. I know that I'm probably focusing on my other worries more so I can avoid the constant baby worry, but it's always there in the back of my head. I can't help but worry. I'm trying so hard to be hopeful and positive but it's just not that easy some days. You can't help but prepare yourself for the absolute worst and in some ways have a hard time believing that the worst won't happen. Maybe it's just personal experience that clouds everything, but it's hard to be positive when you haven't actually experienced the positive.
There are a TON of pregnant women around. It seems like everywhere I go there's at least one. And they're happy and excited and planning. I feel like I missed something. My family does these big things for baby showers and I feel like I'm missing it all cause I'm too nervous and easily upset. It's annoying.
I'll just keep going on the idea that at some point I'll be able to be excited and happy without worry. (I'll have a whole new set of worries) And maybe I'll be able to experience some of the other joys after the baby's here.
Dec 15, 2010
Sick people
We have managed to avoid it so far, but today we were hit by the sick bug.
Yesterday we helps watch a friends boy cause she had food poisoning... well today we find out it's not food poisoning. Polar Bear got his hard, so he's in bed and running back and forth to the washroom :(.
Here's hoping I don't get it... I think I'll stay downstairs and avoid the sick room today!
Yesterday we helps watch a friends boy cause she had food poisoning... well today we find out it's not food poisoning. Polar Bear got his hard, so he's in bed and running back and forth to the washroom :(.
Here's hoping I don't get it... I think I'll stay downstairs and avoid the sick room today!
Dec 14, 2010
Money = Stress
Some days I hate money. I hate the fact that you always need more of it, and that just when you think you are getting ahead you realize just how far behind you actually are.
Polar Bear's laid off, I know this was expected, but it doesn't make it any easier. We are waiting for the papers then he'll fill out EI but I'm really not sure if his EI will cut it this year. We have had no money for the past year with everything that went on, have used up all our savings, all our resources and have borrowed from family and friends to the point that we refuse to borrow any more. I am hoping that the places that he has applied to, and continues to apply to, will actually be able to give him a job that may support us through the winter. We just need to make it to April/May, then he'll be back at work and everything should be fine. I'll say Will be fine instead... lets try this positive thinking thing my mom likes so much... will be fine!
Bills suck! Payments suck... we've been doing the rolling bill thing... where we choose which bill we have enough money for but make sure we put something on to everything so that they won't complain. Some bills are easy to keep up, others not so much.
I know that things will work out... we just need to get through Dec, and maybe Jan, then he'll have something. Even if it's only a little EI and working for family or something. It just sucks! I wish I could post-pone Christmas till July, by then we should be caught up, the baby will be here and everything should be good. In July, hopefully, we'll be able to pay everyone we owe money too back and be able to start putting away for savings.
I don't want to vent or state my concerns to Polar Bear, being he already knows them and has his own. I'm sure it'll work out.
I just hate not having money to do stuff, and I feel like I'm not contributing at all. I'm pregnant... so who wants to hire a pregnant woman? Also, we had agreed that I shouldn't work due to the loss of Cole and my ever increasing stress and paranoia. So that's all fine and dandy but I'm not used to not supporting myself. To trusting in someone else completely to support me.
Maybe all these issues are my own anxieties with Christmas and Baby being redirected to something else. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it! I know he will find something, that everything will be fine and that my worrying will be for nothing... here's hoping that that is true :)
Polar Bear's laid off, I know this was expected, but it doesn't make it any easier. We are waiting for the papers then he'll fill out EI but I'm really not sure if his EI will cut it this year. We have had no money for the past year with everything that went on, have used up all our savings, all our resources and have borrowed from family and friends to the point that we refuse to borrow any more. I am hoping that the places that he has applied to, and continues to apply to, will actually be able to give him a job that may support us through the winter. We just need to make it to April/May, then he'll be back at work and everything should be fine. I'll say Will be fine instead... lets try this positive thinking thing my mom likes so much... will be fine!
Bills suck! Payments suck... we've been doing the rolling bill thing... where we choose which bill we have enough money for but make sure we put something on to everything so that they won't complain. Some bills are easy to keep up, others not so much.
I know that things will work out... we just need to get through Dec, and maybe Jan, then he'll have something. Even if it's only a little EI and working for family or something. It just sucks! I wish I could post-pone Christmas till July, by then we should be caught up, the baby will be here and everything should be good. In July, hopefully, we'll be able to pay everyone we owe money too back and be able to start putting away for savings.
I don't want to vent or state my concerns to Polar Bear, being he already knows them and has his own. I'm sure it'll work out.
I just hate not having money to do stuff, and I feel like I'm not contributing at all. I'm pregnant... so who wants to hire a pregnant woman? Also, we had agreed that I shouldn't work due to the loss of Cole and my ever increasing stress and paranoia. So that's all fine and dandy but I'm not used to not supporting myself. To trusting in someone else completely to support me.
Maybe all these issues are my own anxieties with Christmas and Baby being redirected to something else. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it! I know he will find something, that everything will be fine and that my worrying will be for nothing... here's hoping that that is true :)
Dec 13, 2010
Oh the weather...
So it be snowing (ish) today... right now it's sunny but last night we got some of the white stuff. Polar Bear actually had to go and plow for a few hours... he left around 12:30 - 1ish in the morning and didn't get home till almost 7am. He finds plowing VERY boring, but it's a couple of hours of work, so we won't complain about the money.
Yesterday we went to a bike (as in MOTORCYCLES) show in TO. We just took it slow getting there and back, but it was nice. Have found me a bike that is actually small enough for me to touch the ground and actually comfortable. Now it's just to get the license and the almost 6 grand to actually buy a bike like that. I don't think it'll happen in the next year, I figure my goal is sometime in the next 3 years. It's hard to justify spending money on something like a bike with a baby on the way.
Well this little girl keeps kicking up a storm, which I love and my husband's all excited about. It's a little hard when you're out of the house for a while though. What they say about girls carrying lower than boys is SO TRUE! She's so much lower than Cole was, for Cole I could feel him kicking usually near my belly button or higher. This little monkey is inn the pelvis region so she feels like she's kicking harder being there's less fat there to cushion the kicking and she keeps hitting my bladder!
I've not been doing too too bad with the emotional front (knock on wood) at the moment. I think the fact that we don't have any money and that I'm not doing my usual Christmas helps a lot. Usually we do a big hubbub with the family, but it would just be too much like last year in some ways. Especially being one of my cousin's is pregnant and another has a little boy who was born a few weeks after Cole. I can handle both on their own. Heck I'm getting better at handling being around babies in general (I still haven't tried being around a new born) but to be engulfed by family who are well meaning but may say the wrong thing is not something I want to do. Also being I'm only a few weeks different in my due dates to Cole, I don't really feel like repeating my experiences when I was pregnant with Cole. So instead I'm staying home, having some family here and going for Christmas dinner at my husband's family. And next year, when my little girl is here safe and sound, then maybe I'll be happier to do the whole family hoohaw. I just don't want to deal with a whole bunch of people, with their kids and babies and not have mine here to share!
I actually managed to make cookies last week thanks to a thing called gift cards and all access stores. It's weird buying your baking supplies in Zellers but what can you do about it. I had a $50 gift card from the wedding and managed to buy most of what I need... now all I need in Molasses, Cinnamon and Yeast to finish my Christmas cookie bonanza.. WOOT. (No the yeast is not for cookies... it's for bread, DUH!) Hopefully we may have enough money with pay day this week that I can get those 3 things.
Well hopefully your December is going well so far. I know I can't wait till 2010 is over... it's mostly been a pretty shitty year!
Yesterday we went to a bike (as in MOTORCYCLES) show in TO. We just took it slow getting there and back, but it was nice. Have found me a bike that is actually small enough for me to touch the ground and actually comfortable. Now it's just to get the license and the almost 6 grand to actually buy a bike like that. I don't think it'll happen in the next year, I figure my goal is sometime in the next 3 years. It's hard to justify spending money on something like a bike with a baby on the way.
Well this little girl keeps kicking up a storm, which I love and my husband's all excited about. It's a little hard when you're out of the house for a while though. What they say about girls carrying lower than boys is SO TRUE! She's so much lower than Cole was, for Cole I could feel him kicking usually near my belly button or higher. This little monkey is inn the pelvis region so she feels like she's kicking harder being there's less fat there to cushion the kicking and she keeps hitting my bladder!
I've not been doing too too bad with the emotional front (knock on wood) at the moment. I think the fact that we don't have any money and that I'm not doing my usual Christmas helps a lot. Usually we do a big hubbub with the family, but it would just be too much like last year in some ways. Especially being one of my cousin's is pregnant and another has a little boy who was born a few weeks after Cole. I can handle both on their own. Heck I'm getting better at handling being around babies in general (I still haven't tried being around a new born) but to be engulfed by family who are well meaning but may say the wrong thing is not something I want to do. Also being I'm only a few weeks different in my due dates to Cole, I don't really feel like repeating my experiences when I was pregnant with Cole. So instead I'm staying home, having some family here and going for Christmas dinner at my husband's family. And next year, when my little girl is here safe and sound, then maybe I'll be happier to do the whole family hoohaw. I just don't want to deal with a whole bunch of people, with their kids and babies and not have mine here to share!
I actually managed to make cookies last week thanks to a thing called gift cards and all access stores. It's weird buying your baking supplies in Zellers but what can you do about it. I had a $50 gift card from the wedding and managed to buy most of what I need... now all I need in Molasses, Cinnamon and Yeast to finish my Christmas cookie bonanza.. WOOT. (No the yeast is not for cookies... it's for bread, DUH!) Hopefully we may have enough money with pay day this week that I can get those 3 things.
Well hopefully your December is going well so far. I know I can't wait till 2010 is over... it's mostly been a pretty shitty year!
Dec 9, 2010
It is done!
So we broke down and bought it.... what you may say.... Yup, Cataclysm. And to all those none gamer geeks (which I'm sure you aren't if you actually read this) it's the newest WOW (world of warcrack!) expansion. So I was listening to Simon and Garfunkel (I know, I'm lame) on you tube being I haven't actually managed to buy a CD of their stuff... and noticed with a little tweeking you can make their song "Sounds of Silence" be about the cataclysm... so here is goes! :)
"Sounds of Crying"
Hello Tauren, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision that I have seen
Left its seed for it was not a dream
And the vision of the horror and the pain
Still remains
Within the sound of crying
One sunny day I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the domes of Orgrimar
I turn my shield up, put my Armour on
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a screaming light
That split the night
And caused the sound of crying
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people maybe more
People running and screaming
People crying and fleeing
People watching on as the dragon came to view
And so would you
Amongst the sound of crying
"Fools," said I, "you do not know
You can not run, you can not go
Draw your shield and Armour to you tight
Take what you can for their will be a fight"
But my words amongst the horror seemed not to form
....
And was engulfed by crying
And the people cried and screamed
To their leaders and their kings
And the world we knew was now reformed
From Alliance lands right to the Horde
And Kings and leaders called their people to arms
With battle horns
Amongst the sound of crying
OK,... So I am a doofus LOL! Have fun all you WOW players... till another time!
"Sounds of Crying"
Hello Tauren, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision that I have seen
Left its seed for it was not a dream
And the vision of the horror and the pain
Still remains
Within the sound of crying
One sunny day I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the domes of Orgrimar
I turn my shield up, put my Armour on
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a screaming light
That split the night
And caused the sound of crying
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people maybe more
People running and screaming
People crying and fleeing
People watching on as the dragon came to view
And so would you
Amongst the sound of crying
"Fools," said I, "you do not know
You can not run, you can not go
Draw your shield and Armour to you tight
Take what you can for their will be a fight"
But my words amongst the horror seemed not to form
....
And was engulfed by crying
And the people cried and screamed
To their leaders and their kings
And the world we knew was now reformed
From Alliance lands right to the Horde
And Kings and leaders called their people to arms
With battle horns
Amongst the sound of crying
OK,... So I am a doofus LOL! Have fun all you WOW players... till another time!
Dec 8, 2010
Some things just work out...
So I was able to be strong... and get the nerve to go into Cole's box. I went on a mission to find the health card without really looking at the rest of the stuff. Part of me is a little sad and guilty that I didn't spend some time going through everything to find the health card but it's just so hard some days. I opened the box and grabbed the government looking envelopes, found the one I needed, put everything back and closed the box again.
Maybe I failed. Maybe I should have been stronger and actually looked at all his little stuff that's in the box. But I don't know if I'll ever be that strong any time soon.
I called the company that wanted his information, some place called Ornge. I guess they deal with air lifting people to hospitals or between hospitals. When Cole was born in Fergus he was moved to Kingston's NICU by plane or something. So I called them and of course got a voice mail. I left a message with all my information that I think they needed. They actually managed to call me back 2 hours later letting me know that everything's fine with the health card and not to worry about the invoice. So that's a little bit of a relief. I don't know where I would have come up with apx $2300, so it means that that at least worked out.
So this little girl in my belly is moving like a crazy jumping bean. With Cole I mostly felt the kicks and movements at around 20 something weeks at night, I barely felt them through out the day. Now maybe I'm just more sensitive or thinking about it more, but she's kicking me all the time. Part of it is that I know she's carrying lower than Cole was and so she keeps kicking me in the pelvis and bladder area (which is not so hot when it makes you go pee at least every half hour to 45min, especially when you're trying to sleep). But we think we may have decided on a first name... now we're discussing a middle name... once it's all confirmed that we are happy with the name I'll let you know :).
So not a bad day all in all so far. A little tired, physically and emotionally, but hopefully that will even out.
Maybe I failed. Maybe I should have been stronger and actually looked at all his little stuff that's in the box. But I don't know if I'll ever be that strong any time soon.
I called the company that wanted his information, some place called Ornge. I guess they deal with air lifting people to hospitals or between hospitals. When Cole was born in Fergus he was moved to Kingston's NICU by plane or something. So I called them and of course got a voice mail. I left a message with all my information that I think they needed. They actually managed to call me back 2 hours later letting me know that everything's fine with the health card and not to worry about the invoice. So that's a little bit of a relief. I don't know where I would have come up with apx $2300, so it means that that at least worked out.
So this little girl in my belly is moving like a crazy jumping bean. With Cole I mostly felt the kicks and movements at around 20 something weeks at night, I barely felt them through out the day. Now maybe I'm just more sensitive or thinking about it more, but she's kicking me all the time. Part of it is that I know she's carrying lower than Cole was and so she keeps kicking me in the pelvis and bladder area (which is not so hot when it makes you go pee at least every half hour to 45min, especially when you're trying to sleep). But we think we may have decided on a first name... now we're discussing a middle name... once it's all confirmed that we are happy with the name I'll let you know :).
So not a bad day all in all so far. A little tired, physically and emotionally, but hopefully that will even out.
Tomorrow... or should I say today
It is late and I am sad.
I'm a little frustrated about how none of our government bodies seem to ever talk to each other. Yesterday I received a bill for the plane ride for Cole from Fergus to Kingston, for a wopping $2000. They said I either needed to provide (as they called him) Baby Boy Poirier's OHIP card or pay the bill. Well, I put it off today. Tomorrow I will find some motivation and strength to go through Cole's box of stuff and get the damn health card so I can call them and give them the number.
I'm not even sure if the health card will work...
Do you know how hard and painful it is to have to call all these places and say, yes I have his information. He passed, will this still work???? I really really REALLY don't want to do this. I want to scream "F*&k you all, talk to the other forms of Gov't Damnit!" But they don't and they won't and I'll keep havening to call these stupid government things and tell them that I'll give them what I have but I don't know if it will work.
Well, I think bed is in order... maybe it'll give me the strength to face the pain that I know is apparent tomorrow. Heck, all I did was pack some of the baby things I was given (like bottles and stuff) on the weekend into my new hope chest and barely made it through that. This is not going to be fun to look through his stuff for one little card.... GAH! Sometimes I wish I wasn't as responsible as I feel I need to be. Sometimes I wish I could take these stupid things and put them in a drawer and deal with them later (or never)... sometimes.... but I can't and I won't so I'll suck it up. Put on my big girl britches and do what needs to be doing.
I'll let you know if I survive... I'm sure I will but doesn't mean it won't hurt.
I'm a little frustrated about how none of our government bodies seem to ever talk to each other. Yesterday I received a bill for the plane ride for Cole from Fergus to Kingston, for a wopping $2000. They said I either needed to provide (as they called him) Baby Boy Poirier's OHIP card or pay the bill. Well, I put it off today. Tomorrow I will find some motivation and strength to go through Cole's box of stuff and get the damn health card so I can call them and give them the number.
I'm not even sure if the health card will work...
Do you know how hard and painful it is to have to call all these places and say, yes I have his information. He passed, will this still work???? I really really REALLY don't want to do this. I want to scream "F*&k you all, talk to the other forms of Gov't Damnit!" But they don't and they won't and I'll keep havening to call these stupid government things and tell them that I'll give them what I have but I don't know if it will work.
Well, I think bed is in order... maybe it'll give me the strength to face the pain that I know is apparent tomorrow. Heck, all I did was pack some of the baby things I was given (like bottles and stuff) on the weekend into my new hope chest and barely made it through that. This is not going to be fun to look through his stuff for one little card.... GAH! Sometimes I wish I wasn't as responsible as I feel I need to be. Sometimes I wish I could take these stupid things and put them in a drawer and deal with them later (or never)... sometimes.... but I can't and I won't so I'll suck it up. Put on my big girl britches and do what needs to be doing.
I'll let you know if I survive... I'm sure I will but doesn't mean it won't hurt.
Dec 7, 2010
Some people...
As the holiday's are upon us all I can say is I don't truly understand some people. There have been a few cases (from the support sites I'm on) where family members of grieving moms and dads are trying in some ways to be considerate and end up being so inconsiderate to the feelings of the family. One case that truly upset me was of lady on my site's mom giving her a Christmas ornament with her name, her husband's name and the name of the dog on it. She didn't bother putting the name of the lost baby on it, or even asking before she gave them an ornament if they would like that. The fact that this mother thought she was sparring her daughter's feelings by ignoring the loss and not adding the name of her lost child could be understandable. But it's not right.
I will tell you all. If you know someone who has lost ANYONE... a husband, a child, a parent, etc, don't act like that person never existed in the world. Even if the baby wasn't with the family long, or at all, that baby still meant a lot to who the family is. If you are uncomfortable with asking the family if they want the baby included or unsure about the proper etiquette then either don't give the family a personalized item with everyone in the family's name on it, or give them an item and let them know that you didn't want to upset them and so left it blank so they could personalize it how they see fit.
Holiday seasons are never easy for those who have lost babies... all you see are happy families with children everywhere. They're in the mall, the grocery stores, everywhere. Most of the time it's not so bad but some days are always worst than others. Try to be considerate, and maybe if you ever have a bad point in your life, a loss of some sort that is very close to you, then they will be considerate and think of you too.
My heart goes out to all those who have lost and the families and friends who may not understand what is going on in their lives, hearts and head at the moment.
I will tell you all. If you know someone who has lost ANYONE... a husband, a child, a parent, etc, don't act like that person never existed in the world. Even if the baby wasn't with the family long, or at all, that baby still meant a lot to who the family is. If you are uncomfortable with asking the family if they want the baby included or unsure about the proper etiquette then either don't give the family a personalized item with everyone in the family's name on it, or give them an item and let them know that you didn't want to upset them and so left it blank so they could personalize it how they see fit.
Holiday seasons are never easy for those who have lost babies... all you see are happy families with children everywhere. They're in the mall, the grocery stores, everywhere. Most of the time it's not so bad but some days are always worst than others. Try to be considerate, and maybe if you ever have a bad point in your life, a loss of some sort that is very close to you, then they will be considerate and think of you too.
My heart goes out to all those who have lost and the families and friends who may not understand what is going on in their lives, hearts and head at the moment.
Dec 3, 2010
Christmas is coming... AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I know that's not what most people would write but what most people think. I need to really get my but in gear on making my Christmas presents for people. Mostly being I know I don't have the money to buy anything (heck my baking has been put on hold until I can spend more than 30 dollars on groceries) so this means I need to make stuff! I'm pretty sure what I am making most people, it's just to get everything done.
It's crazy to think there's only 22 more days till Christmas. I haven't even managed to drag up my Christmas tree and decorations from the basement. I'm having a little bit of size issues in my house and am trying to figure out where to put the tree in the first place.
On a completely different note, I have one ACTIVE baby in my tummy. And of course it's mainly active at night when I'm trying to go to sleep. I haven't managed being able to sleep until 1:30 or later the past 3 nights, every time I get comfortable someone likes to move and push and kick. This isn't much different than when I was pregnant with Cole except this little one's sitting MUCH lower than Cole (which I've been told is a common trait for girls vs boys) so the movement is pushing against my bladder or my pelvis, which feels weird and sore all at the same time. I'm glad the baby is moving this much though, I was getting worried when I couldn't tell what was movements and what was gas. So I decided instead of trying to sleep when they are that active at night I'll just stay up a little later and sleep when I can. Heck I'm not expecting to sleep once the baby's born so why expect it when she's growing in the belly?
So good luck to everyone who's crazy like me and trying to make Christmas gifts! I will let you know how successful I am LOL.
It's crazy to think there's only 22 more days till Christmas. I haven't even managed to drag up my Christmas tree and decorations from the basement. I'm having a little bit of size issues in my house and am trying to figure out where to put the tree in the first place.
On a completely different note, I have one ACTIVE baby in my tummy. And of course it's mainly active at night when I'm trying to go to sleep. I haven't managed being able to sleep until 1:30 or later the past 3 nights, every time I get comfortable someone likes to move and push and kick. This isn't much different than when I was pregnant with Cole except this little one's sitting MUCH lower than Cole (which I've been told is a common trait for girls vs boys) so the movement is pushing against my bladder or my pelvis, which feels weird and sore all at the same time. I'm glad the baby is moving this much though, I was getting worried when I couldn't tell what was movements and what was gas. So I decided instead of trying to sleep when they are that active at night I'll just stay up a little later and sleep when I can. Heck I'm not expecting to sleep once the baby's born so why expect it when she's growing in the belly?
So good luck to everyone who's crazy like me and trying to make Christmas gifts! I will let you know how successful I am LOL.
Dec 2, 2010
Sometimes...
Sometimes I am grateful for good friends,
Good food,
A supportive family
... everything positive in my life.
When you go through a bad experience, a hard time, sorrow and pain, you start to realize what truly matters in life. What is important and what is not. How some things that people thought, or you thought, or whatever, were important don't really matter. That somethings matter a lot more than hair, clothes, the next guy, whatever... they matter more than jobs, and money... they matter more than stuff. Somethings are a lot more important.
One of those things are good friends, and I have been blessed. I have, over the past few months, removed from Facebook and other means of contact people who don't matter, people who were not there in my times of pain, and sorrow. And I thank and love those who were. I am a strong believer that it takes two people to make a true friendship. That it can't be only one person, or one side, that makes the friendship! That both people have to work through it from their ends and meet in the middle.
So thank you to all my friends... and thank you for dealing with my mushy post... and I hope you all find happiness in whatever form it may come to you!
Good food,
A supportive family
... everything positive in my life.
When you go through a bad experience, a hard time, sorrow and pain, you start to realize what truly matters in life. What is important and what is not. How some things that people thought, or you thought, or whatever, were important don't really matter. That somethings matter a lot more than hair, clothes, the next guy, whatever... they matter more than jobs, and money... they matter more than stuff. Somethings are a lot more important.
One of those things are good friends, and I have been blessed. I have, over the past few months, removed from Facebook and other means of contact people who don't matter, people who were not there in my times of pain, and sorrow. And I thank and love those who were. I am a strong believer that it takes two people to make a true friendship. That it can't be only one person, or one side, that makes the friendship! That both people have to work through it from their ends and meet in the middle.
So thank you to all my friends... and thank you for dealing with my mushy post... and I hope you all find happiness in whatever form it may come to you!
Dec 1, 2010
So it's a...
Girl... at least 90% as the doctor said... Woot! I'm excited and now dealing with the emotional turmoil of the fact that Polar Bear already had a girl with his ex (not that we get to see her) and I failed on the boy front. I know I'm totally pathetic and creating issues. He said he's happy either way, I believe him (mostly) but I still feel responsible for the loss of our boy. I know I shouldn't, that I didn't have anything to do with the outcome, but I can't help it.
So now starts the "discussion" about names! Boy's names we have No Problem agreeing on, we both like boy's names that sound masculine. But girl's names are another cup of tea. He like's girly girl names... I don't... I like Parker... or Sam.... or something like that... he likes Isabelle, and other pretty names. We'll see how the discussion over the next 4 months (we're hoping here) goes and what we decide in the end. Knowing us, we'll pick a name and completely change our mind when the baby's born.
The doctor said everything looks good, next appointment is in 4 weeks... the 29th of Dec. I asked him about my increasing worries as the 29 week point gets closer and he said that he'll get us set up for another ultrasound at the next appointment. That means an ultrasound around 26ish weeks (about 2 weeks after the next apt) to check cervix length again, and just make sure every thing's good. So we'll see if I'll have a crazy amount of apts this time or not. He doesn't think I'll need them, but you never know.
So... for now everything's good, babies good, everyone's looking healthy... yay! Keep this positivity coming!
So now starts the "discussion" about names! Boy's names we have No Problem agreeing on, we both like boy's names that sound masculine. But girl's names are another cup of tea. He like's girly girl names... I don't... I like Parker... or Sam.... or something like that... he likes Isabelle, and other pretty names. We'll see how the discussion over the next 4 months (we're hoping here) goes and what we decide in the end. Knowing us, we'll pick a name and completely change our mind when the baby's born.
The doctor said everything looks good, next appointment is in 4 weeks... the 29th of Dec. I asked him about my increasing worries as the 29 week point gets closer and he said that he'll get us set up for another ultrasound at the next appointment. That means an ultrasound around 26ish weeks (about 2 weeks after the next apt) to check cervix length again, and just make sure every thing's good. So we'll see if I'll have a crazy amount of apts this time or not. He doesn't think I'll need them, but you never know.
So... for now everything's good, babies good, everyone's looking healthy... yay! Keep this positivity coming!
Nov 30, 2010
1 down...
Well today was the ultrasound. Other than the feeling of EXPLODING BLADDER (and those of you who've had one would understand) it went fairly well. The nurses (or whatever they are) won't tell you anything other than you look to be around the right due date (or not) and maybe show you a heart beat.
So I'm OK on due date still... we are still aiming for April 20th. The heart beat is right where it should be, and we got to see his/her little tongue and mouth making little sucking motions. At least the ultrasound puts to rest any concerns about whether the babies moving enough and stuff. So... in that way... everything is good.
Tomorrow we have our monthly doctor's apt. We are hoping that he'll have the results then for Sex... if not I'll probably have to call the office later on in the week or something. I was so nervous today before the ultrasound I had a hard time eating even... which is impressive for a pregnant woman.
Well, I'll let you know how tomorrow goes... here goes nothing :)
So I'm OK on due date still... we are still aiming for April 20th. The heart beat is right where it should be, and we got to see his/her little tongue and mouth making little sucking motions. At least the ultrasound puts to rest any concerns about whether the babies moving enough and stuff. So... in that way... everything is good.
Tomorrow we have our monthly doctor's apt. We are hoping that he'll have the results then for Sex... if not I'll probably have to call the office later on in the week or something. I was so nervous today before the ultrasound I had a hard time eating even... which is impressive for a pregnant woman.
Well, I'll let you know how tomorrow goes... here goes nothing :)
Nov 29, 2010
An Ultrasound
So it has come to that time again. 20 weeks Wednesday, and tomorrow we get to do the full ultrasound. Woot! I am excited and scared all at the same time, which in my head doesn't make sense but in my body is totally true. Going into the week I found out sad news about a friend having a miscarriage. I feel for her loss, and hope the best for her, whatever that may be.
I have become jaded.
I have become negative in the "joys of pregnancy".
I know I probably have a right to, but it's unfair to be feeling this way. I should be excited. I should be wanting to look at baby names, and baby stuff and everything. Instead I pray each night to the gods in general for a Happy, Healthy, Safe, Strong, Secure baby and pregnancy. I ask to be able to take this baby home, to be able to hold it after labour, to be able to watch it grow up! These are all things with my last pregnancy I never specified. I am being specific! Maybe that's all I need to do but I doubt it. It always seems that once I get the mechanism running something always breaks down... or maybe that's just my negativity.
I still haven't told the general populous... as in Facebook friends and other friends. If I haven't seen them in person I haven't told them (unless they are part of my closer group or family, where my parents may have told people). I know it might be weird to not want to share but it's so nerve racking to have too. Besides I dread havening to tell people of a loss... I know I should be positive, and shouldn't think that way, but I can't help it! I'm 20 weeks Wednesday... I just want this pregnancy to go amazingly! I want to last till full term. Cole was born at 29and a half weeks... so I need to last 36... that's my goal... that's safe. It's funny to think that 29 weeks is only 9 weeks away, a little over 2 months.... we want to be pregnant for 4 and I mean it FOUR more months... then we'll be to term. I hope!
No matter what is going on around me. No matter what drama is the current issue that's being faced by friends or family members. I just have a hard time caring. I try to care, I try to listen, and I try to sympathize, but it's really hard some days... Some days I need to scream to the world, "That's great but I would take that issue in a heart beat!" or "I'm having a really rough time here, can you worry about ME for a second!?!". An ultrasound should be happy... it should be an exciting time... and a little part of me is excited, and trying really hard to be excited. But I've now known so many who have gone to that ultrasound and got bad news that I'm scared. I'd say I'm a little scared, but I'm not... I'm a lot scared.
I will let you know how tomorrow goes... here's hoping for the best. Polar Bear and I are having a bet on whether it's a girl or a boy, and we are going to find out tomorrow (hopefully)... I'll let you know if I'm getting breakfast in bed! LOL :)
I have become jaded.
I have become negative in the "joys of pregnancy".
I know I probably have a right to, but it's unfair to be feeling this way. I should be excited. I should be wanting to look at baby names, and baby stuff and everything. Instead I pray each night to the gods in general for a Happy, Healthy, Safe, Strong, Secure baby and pregnancy. I ask to be able to take this baby home, to be able to hold it after labour, to be able to watch it grow up! These are all things with my last pregnancy I never specified. I am being specific! Maybe that's all I need to do but I doubt it. It always seems that once I get the mechanism running something always breaks down... or maybe that's just my negativity.
I still haven't told the general populous... as in Facebook friends and other friends. If I haven't seen them in person I haven't told them (unless they are part of my closer group or family, where my parents may have told people). I know it might be weird to not want to share but it's so nerve racking to have too. Besides I dread havening to tell people of a loss... I know I should be positive, and shouldn't think that way, but I can't help it! I'm 20 weeks Wednesday... I just want this pregnancy to go amazingly! I want to last till full term. Cole was born at 29and a half weeks... so I need to last 36... that's my goal... that's safe. It's funny to think that 29 weeks is only 9 weeks away, a little over 2 months.... we want to be pregnant for 4 and I mean it FOUR more months... then we'll be to term. I hope!
No matter what is going on around me. No matter what drama is the current issue that's being faced by friends or family members. I just have a hard time caring. I try to care, I try to listen, and I try to sympathize, but it's really hard some days... Some days I need to scream to the world, "That's great but I would take that issue in a heart beat!" or "I'm having a really rough time here, can you worry about ME for a second!?!". An ultrasound should be happy... it should be an exciting time... and a little part of me is excited, and trying really hard to be excited. But I've now known so many who have gone to that ultrasound and got bad news that I'm scared. I'd say I'm a little scared, but I'm not... I'm a lot scared.
I will let you know how tomorrow goes... here's hoping for the best. Polar Bear and I are having a bet on whether it's a girl or a boy, and we are going to find out tomorrow (hopefully)... I'll let you know if I'm getting breakfast in bed! LOL :)
Nov 26, 2010
My dog the wimp
Yup, my dog is a wimp. I have tried to break his wimpyness over the past few months, but today it has been confirmed that I have failed miserably.
On our walk today, or should I say attempt at a walk today, my dog only made it about 5 minutes away from the house. Now I know it's cold, and I've even seen some of the horrid white stuff falling from the sky this morning, but still... 5 minutes. We got across the street onto the path we normally take that goes by a park, he sniffed some trees and then started pulling back towards the house. Now my dog is a small dog so I could have forced him to keep walking, but why bother, if I would have he only would have started whining. So we made it 5 minutes out and turned around and came back home. Once he could see the house he got all excited and started jumping up and down at the end of the leash as if saying "come on, hurry up, it's cold out here". He ran up to the door, and sat all nicely, waiting for me to open the door and take off his leash, then proceeded to RUN LIKE A MAD FOOL around the house for 5 minutes. I really think he was trying to tell me that he didn't need to go for a walk, that he was quite content running around the house where it's warm.
I really think my dog thinks I was crazy for trying to make him walk in the cold. He has an aversion to any kind of crappy weather (heck you have to force him to pee in the rain) but seriously. My dog is a wimp, so be it... maybe I'll have to buy him a sweater or something. Maybe I'll become one of those dog owners who puts him in a little jacket... maybe... gah, this is like another circle of hell, the circle of small dogs in people clothes... damn it I may have to give in. Well, good luck to all you wimpy dog owners, the winter has only started!
On our walk today, or should I say attempt at a walk today, my dog only made it about 5 minutes away from the house. Now I know it's cold, and I've even seen some of the horrid white stuff falling from the sky this morning, but still... 5 minutes. We got across the street onto the path we normally take that goes by a park, he sniffed some trees and then started pulling back towards the house. Now my dog is a small dog so I could have forced him to keep walking, but why bother, if I would have he only would have started whining. So we made it 5 minutes out and turned around and came back home. Once he could see the house he got all excited and started jumping up and down at the end of the leash as if saying "come on, hurry up, it's cold out here". He ran up to the door, and sat all nicely, waiting for me to open the door and take off his leash, then proceeded to RUN LIKE A MAD FOOL around the house for 5 minutes. I really think he was trying to tell me that he didn't need to go for a walk, that he was quite content running around the house where it's warm.
I really think my dog thinks I was crazy for trying to make him walk in the cold. He has an aversion to any kind of crappy weather (heck you have to force him to pee in the rain) but seriously. My dog is a wimp, so be it... maybe I'll have to buy him a sweater or something. Maybe I'll become one of those dog owners who puts him in a little jacket... maybe... gah, this is like another circle of hell, the circle of small dogs in people clothes... damn it I may have to give in. Well, good luck to all you wimpy dog owners, the winter has only started!
Nov 25, 2010
Oh yee writing do not foil me!
I have started to brain storm and am really liking my ideas to create this story I've decided to attempt. I say attempt because I have been unable, in the past, to actually write a full fledged story. I tend to get about a third of the way through and get caught up in the traps of past writer. What I mean by that is I re-read my story and it tends to be similar enough to other stories I've read that I get discouraged and stop writing it. So I have decided to attack this story in a different means... I am actually going to plot at least some of it out. I've been sitting here for the past hour trying to sort my thoughts and ideas and see if they will be conducive to a single story. But I've hit a dilemma... and that's the BAD GUY dilemma.
Should I have a bad guy?? I know everyone will say that in most stories you need an antagonist to "fight" your main character or group of characters, but is this truly necessary?? Should I really have a bad guy or should I try something new... maybe a bunch of good characters fighting against each other for something... hmmm... that might work, or be TOTALLY LAME! I can't decide. Before I can continue my writing from where I am I need to decide on this main point and what the main scheme of the whole thing is (or at least what the main scheme for the start of the book is). It seems ridiculous for me to try and fight the tried and tested ways of writing. It's been used for generations... the them versus us thing... but what if I don't want a "them"??? What else could I use. From every book I've read there's always something that the main characters are "fighting" against, and being I'm planning on this book being within the Sci-Fi/Fantasy -ISH (as everything I tend to write is) Genera then there's usually a reason... or a person/group behind the reason that the main party is doing what it is doing. But what is that reason??? Why??? I'm tired of it always being a "bad"guy... can't there be something else???? I know some authors don't use a bad guy but an event or a job or a something... but I can't seem to figure out that something.
So I'll keep with my brain-storming... and see if we can manage to storm the castle and free the princess of thoughts in my head. Maybe once she is free then I'll be able to actually get on with this story... Woot!
Should I have a bad guy?? I know everyone will say that in most stories you need an antagonist to "fight" your main character or group of characters, but is this truly necessary?? Should I really have a bad guy or should I try something new... maybe a bunch of good characters fighting against each other for something... hmmm... that might work, or be TOTALLY LAME! I can't decide. Before I can continue my writing from where I am I need to decide on this main point and what the main scheme of the whole thing is (or at least what the main scheme for the start of the book is). It seems ridiculous for me to try and fight the tried and tested ways of writing. It's been used for generations... the them versus us thing... but what if I don't want a "them"??? What else could I use. From every book I've read there's always something that the main characters are "fighting" against, and being I'm planning on this book being within the Sci-Fi/Fantasy -ISH (as everything I tend to write is) Genera then there's usually a reason... or a person/group behind the reason that the main party is doing what it is doing. But what is that reason??? Why??? I'm tired of it always being a "bad"guy... can't there be something else???? I know some authors don't use a bad guy but an event or a job or a something... but I can't seem to figure out that something.
So I'll keep with my brain-storming... and see if we can manage to storm the castle and free the princess of thoughts in my head. Maybe once she is free then I'll be able to actually get on with this story... Woot!
Nov 24, 2010
Tis a day
So I guess it's Son's week this week... what that means is there's a massive spam (mostly by my family...aunts, uncles, etc and a few others) about how precious our sons are... BLAH BLAH BLAH! This just pisses me off. I don't really know why, but it does. I think part of it is the inner cranky depression I've hit, but I can't seem to deal with it right now. I have temporarily hidden most of my family's and a few friends walls on Facecrack so that they don't constantly pop up. I have one aunt that's the worst. I know she doesn't mean anything towards us, but it's constant... so instead of getting frustrated or cranky I decided to hide her profile, and I may not un-hide it when I fix the others next week. We'll seee...
On another note all together, I am debating on trying my hand at writing. I have a 4 page intro so far and am at the point where I need to sit my arse down and figure out my story arc and characters. I get tired of all the same cookie cutter stories... mostly those based loosely on WOW, Tolkien and other such sources. I don't want to get into an EPIC about the horrors of good vs evil, I don't know where I want to go. Part of me is thinking of throwing a geek... as in gamer geek... as in "I magic missile the dark!" (If any of you know the reference LOL) and bringing him into a real magic world and seeing if he'll survive. I know he (or she, haven't really decided) would have to survive but I have an idea on how to bring him in... YAY demon summoning! LOL... we'll see... not sure if it would work. I'll have to concept it out and get back to you.
I've noticed that every few days I talk about starting something new. Maybe this is a bad thing, maybe it's a good thing... at least it keeps me from sitting on my but doing diddly-squat! I have to work on my crochets for Christmas... they make me want to go "MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH... It's ALIVE!!! " But seriously... should I make a Cthulhu Kitty LOL.... I know someone who would love it... hmmmmmmmm.... It makes me all giggly inside! I'll let you know, after Christmas... or at least after I make them and give them out.
So the plan turns into... Crocheting and baking, during the day (also the usual Cleaning and Dog walking) and then at some point as my hands hurt from the crochet try my hand at writing some pages (or at least figuring out a story) and while doing all that continue to write on here and check my facebook and email and play Disgaea 3 when I can't handle anything during the day, and at night play WOW with my husband... hmmm how did I ever fit a full time job in there LOL. Just wait till the baby's here, it'll even get better!
So have a great day all of you who over plans your days and never actually succeeds at any of it! I will be joining your ranks soon!
On another note all together, I am debating on trying my hand at writing. I have a 4 page intro so far and am at the point where I need to sit my arse down and figure out my story arc and characters. I get tired of all the same cookie cutter stories... mostly those based loosely on WOW, Tolkien and other such sources. I don't want to get into an EPIC about the horrors of good vs evil, I don't know where I want to go. Part of me is thinking of throwing a geek... as in gamer geek... as in "I magic missile the dark!" (If any of you know the reference LOL) and bringing him into a real magic world and seeing if he'll survive. I know he (or she, haven't really decided) would have to survive but I have an idea on how to bring him in... YAY demon summoning! LOL... we'll see... not sure if it would work. I'll have to concept it out and get back to you.
I've noticed that every few days I talk about starting something new. Maybe this is a bad thing, maybe it's a good thing... at least it keeps me from sitting on my but doing diddly-squat! I have to work on my crochets for Christmas... they make me want to go "MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH... It's ALIVE!!! " But seriously... should I make a Cthulhu Kitty LOL.... I know someone who would love it... hmmmmmmmm.... It makes me all giggly inside! I'll let you know, after Christmas... or at least after I make them and give them out.
So the plan turns into... Crocheting and baking, during the day (also the usual Cleaning and Dog walking) and then at some point as my hands hurt from the crochet try my hand at writing some pages (or at least figuring out a story) and while doing all that continue to write on here and check my facebook and email and play Disgaea 3 when I can't handle anything during the day, and at night play WOW with my husband... hmmm how did I ever fit a full time job in there LOL. Just wait till the baby's here, it'll even get better!
So have a great day all of you who over plans your days and never actually succeeds at any of it! I will be joining your ranks soon!
Nov 23, 2010
Should I ... or shouldn't I
So I have done it... again... I broke down and tried to create a character with my husband on WOW. I know the evilness of the whole MMORPG world but still, this may give us something to do together when he gets laid off for the winter. So here is my ode to WOW, thank you William Shakespear!
To play or not to play, that is the question...
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and arrows of outrageous resistance
Or to take arms against a sea of aliance
And by opposing end them? To die; to respawn
No more; and by a respawn to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That gaming is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be leveled. To die, to respawn;
To respawn; perchance to level: ay, there's the hax;
For in that likelihood of death what levels may come
When we have shuffled out of this lower zone,
Must give us pause: there's the addiction
...
OK, I'll stop... I'm lame LOL. I could continue with the whole thing but I thought I'd save you to pain of my WOWing!
So to play... we will have to see... as is life!
To play or not to play, that is the question...
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and arrows of outrageous resistance
Or to take arms against a sea of aliance
And by opposing end them? To die; to respawn
No more; and by a respawn to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That gaming is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be leveled. To die, to respawn;
To respawn; perchance to level: ay, there's the hax;
For in that likelihood of death what levels may come
When we have shuffled out of this lower zone,
Must give us pause: there's the addiction
...
OK, I'll stop... I'm lame LOL. I could continue with the whole thing but I thought I'd save you to pain of my WOWing!
So to play... we will have to see... as is life!
A 23rd of a day
So we have come to the 23rd of the month again! Oh how I hate yee!
I try really hard not to focus on dates and time periods and things that have past, but the 23rd is always a hard day to get through. Sometimes I have a great 23rd, sometimes it's totally crap... I don't really know what today holds in store for me, but here we are again, the 23rd.
I won't be one of those people who every month say... "Oh my baby would have been... months/years/etc" but the first year tends to speed by and your like.. Really? Already?
10 months... yup.... 10 months since Cole was born. We spent a hard (I will not lie and say as some "a wonderful whatever time") yes a hard 28day in Kingston general hospital. We had good days where our hopes were through the roof and bad days, where they came crashing down around us in a pile of broken glass ready to cut with any move you make. 28 days.
I can't say I've handled the 10 months so far completely well, but I also can't say I gave up and didn't handle it at all. I would like to believe I did well, all things considering, and that this pregnancy is whatever deity's way of trying to help. Of creating a new hope. Of being... but I can't help but wish that those 28days would have ended differently. They would have ended better.
So happy 23rd, hopefully yours is good. I will probably go out and by some candy and a bottle of Pepsi. We'll see, maybe this will be one of those great 23rds... or maybe not... we won't know till the day is over.
I try really hard not to focus on dates and time periods and things that have past, but the 23rd is always a hard day to get through. Sometimes I have a great 23rd, sometimes it's totally crap... I don't really know what today holds in store for me, but here we are again, the 23rd.
I won't be one of those people who every month say... "Oh my baby would have been... months/years/etc" but the first year tends to speed by and your like.. Really? Already?
10 months... yup.... 10 months since Cole was born. We spent a hard (I will not lie and say as some "a wonderful whatever time") yes a hard 28day in Kingston general hospital. We had good days where our hopes were through the roof and bad days, where they came crashing down around us in a pile of broken glass ready to cut with any move you make. 28 days.
I can't say I've handled the 10 months so far completely well, but I also can't say I gave up and didn't handle it at all. I would like to believe I did well, all things considering, and that this pregnancy is whatever deity's way of trying to help. Of creating a new hope. Of being... but I can't help but wish that those 28days would have ended differently. They would have ended better.
So happy 23rd, hopefully yours is good. I will probably go out and by some candy and a bottle of Pepsi. We'll see, maybe this will be one of those great 23rds... or maybe not... we won't know till the day is over.
Nov 22, 2010
Cookies, Cakes, Candies oh my!
So I have been home, as those of you who read this know, everyday most weeks by myself. I don't think this is conducive to a healthy lifestyle. I love being home, most of the time, but to be left by yourself with your thoughts ALL THE TIME, may not be quite so healthy. So in the place of sitting here wallowing in my own grief, sorrow and fears I have decided to attempt (and I say attempt because most of the time that's all we can ask for) to be slightly productive in some way. I have started crocheting amigurumi for Christmas for friends of mine. I have been getting into a video game called Disgaea 3, which is very cute and appeals to the little Goth girl in me. And Now... my newest adventure that I'm thinking of trying ... Baking.
Now don't get me wrong, I have never failed at the baking attempts in the past, but they are usually only consisting of Breads. Being I love bread that has never been a problem, but now I will try some other stuff. My mom had visited me this weekend and gifted me the two staple cook books she used when I was a kid. This could either result in VERY GOOD food, and possibly a very fat baby belly, or could result in a lot of recipes being filled under G along with the food LOL. As testers I will be probably using my Polar Bear (my husband) and our room mate. If they don't die or throw up I will consider that a success!
Now the only issue with baking is supplies... bowls I have, mixers I have, pans and containers to cook in I mostly have... Ingredients... Now that's another story all together! This means I will need to make an extensive list of baking ingredients that I need and figure out a way to purchase them on my extremely limited budget! I am hoping this will be doable... I don't see why not, but I fail to have even the most basic of ingredients like Flour and Baking Powder/Soda... I also don't own any measuring spoons, but my mom didn't when I was a kid either, we just used regular spoons and approximated our ingredients accordingly,... so that should be fine.
Now, out of the 2 well loved books, I need to decide what it is I want to make... or at least start with. I will probably make bread (cause I always make bread) so that I can eat it while I'm making other stuff. What this means is that no one else will probably get to eat any of the bread being most of it will be in my stomach! LOL! I want sugar cookies, gingersnaps, apple crisp....mmmmmmm apple crisp........ and I haven't decided further than that. Now doing these cooking attempts also means my house will be filled with food that I shouldn't eat regularly... so I will probably have to pawn off some of them to other people... whether that happens or not, we will see...
So wish me good luck, and if you see a large explosion of flour and baking ingredients coming from the NW side of Guelph follow the words of the Hitchhikers Guide to the galaxy... DON`T PANIC! Instead come over and have some treats, you may have to deal with me saying over and over again "It's Alive!!", but other than that I'll be fine :)
Now don't get me wrong, I have never failed at the baking attempts in the past, but they are usually only consisting of Breads. Being I love bread that has never been a problem, but now I will try some other stuff. My mom had visited me this weekend and gifted me the two staple cook books she used when I was a kid. This could either result in VERY GOOD food, and possibly a very fat baby belly, or could result in a lot of recipes being filled under G along with the food LOL. As testers I will be probably using my Polar Bear (my husband) and our room mate. If they don't die or throw up I will consider that a success!
Now the only issue with baking is supplies... bowls I have, mixers I have, pans and containers to cook in I mostly have... Ingredients... Now that's another story all together! This means I will need to make an extensive list of baking ingredients that I need and figure out a way to purchase them on my extremely limited budget! I am hoping this will be doable... I don't see why not, but I fail to have even the most basic of ingredients like Flour and Baking Powder/Soda... I also don't own any measuring spoons, but my mom didn't when I was a kid either, we just used regular spoons and approximated our ingredients accordingly,... so that should be fine.
Now, out of the 2 well loved books, I need to decide what it is I want to make... or at least start with. I will probably make bread (cause I always make bread) so that I can eat it while I'm making other stuff. What this means is that no one else will probably get to eat any of the bread being most of it will be in my stomach! LOL! I want sugar cookies, gingersnaps, apple crisp....mmmmmmm apple crisp........ and I haven't decided further than that. Now doing these cooking attempts also means my house will be filled with food that I shouldn't eat regularly... so I will probably have to pawn off some of them to other people... whether that happens or not, we will see...
So wish me good luck, and if you see a large explosion of flour and baking ingredients coming from the NW side of Guelph follow the words of the Hitchhikers Guide to the galaxy... DON`T PANIC! Instead come over and have some treats, you may have to deal with me saying over and over again "It's Alive!!", but other than that I'll be fine :)
Nov 18, 2010
Congrats... I guess
I'm tired of saying Congratulations!
I'm tired of hearing about all the happy go lucky pregnancies, those that have never had an issue and probably never will. (And I do hope they never will)
I'm tired of hearing about all the new babies that are born, healthy and safe, and get to go home with their moms and dads.
I'm TIRED of saying Congratulations!
I happy for all of you who are happy, but do you realize that your kicking me in the face. I know you don't mean it but seriously... I don't need to hear about every burp, every poop, every giggle and every smile. I don't need to hear about it at all.
Yes I am pregnant as well... but it's not like you!
I will probably never experience another pregnancy like all you happy ladies who don't worry every minute, don't panic every day.
I am soooooooooo.... Fuckin happy for you, now could you please just all go away.
Everywhere I go, the plague of babies follows, every site I visit the constant posts about them... I'm tired, and it's late so I know it makes it harder but still!
It's great that your baby turned 5 mnths, 8 mths, 2 yrs, whatever!
I'm happy for you, I really am.
But seriously, can you not post something about your life other than that???
I will get over this, in my own ways... but at the moment I am tired of saying Congratulations.
So all you lovely people who are getting pregnant as well... Congrats... I guess.
I know you aren't thinking about it, you think I'm pregnant and should be happy, but it never goes away. Everyone can try to ignore what happened, and focus on only the "happy" ... and that's fine... but the happy doesn't need to be about your baby, child, kid ALL THE TIME!
I will never forget it, never ignore it,... It will always be there with me!
I am sad... Always... and by finding out your pregnant at the same time scares me. Scares me that I will loose another and have to face you and your new baby, just as I had to last time, and I don't really know if I can handle it. I really don't know...
I try to stay positive, I really do, but it doesn't always work.
I'm just tired of saying Congratulations to everyone else but me!
I'm tired of hearing about all the happy go lucky pregnancies, those that have never had an issue and probably never will. (And I do hope they never will)
I'm tired of hearing about all the new babies that are born, healthy and safe, and get to go home with their moms and dads.
I'm TIRED of saying Congratulations!
I happy for all of you who are happy, but do you realize that your kicking me in the face. I know you don't mean it but seriously... I don't need to hear about every burp, every poop, every giggle and every smile. I don't need to hear about it at all.
Yes I am pregnant as well... but it's not like you!
I will probably never experience another pregnancy like all you happy ladies who don't worry every minute, don't panic every day.
I am soooooooooo.... Fuckin happy for you, now could you please just all go away.
Everywhere I go, the plague of babies follows, every site I visit the constant posts about them... I'm tired, and it's late so I know it makes it harder but still!
It's great that your baby turned 5 mnths, 8 mths, 2 yrs, whatever!
I'm happy for you, I really am.
But seriously, can you not post something about your life other than that???
I will get over this, in my own ways... but at the moment I am tired of saying Congratulations.
So all you lovely people who are getting pregnant as well... Congrats... I guess.
I know you aren't thinking about it, you think I'm pregnant and should be happy, but it never goes away. Everyone can try to ignore what happened, and focus on only the "happy" ... and that's fine... but the happy doesn't need to be about your baby, child, kid ALL THE TIME!
I will never forget it, never ignore it,... It will always be there with me!
I am sad... Always... and by finding out your pregnant at the same time scares me. Scares me that I will loose another and have to face you and your new baby, just as I had to last time, and I don't really know if I can handle it. I really don't know...
I try to stay positive, I really do, but it doesn't always work.
I'm just tired of saying Congratulations to everyone else but me!
Dogs and Toddlers
No, I don't currently have a toddler. Well not in the official meaning of the word, but I have been referring to my dog as a toddler for the past 8 months or so and it seems fairly fitting. Today would, of course, be no different. As all toddlers do, all he wants is constant attention and if not he pouts. Just in the 5 minutes of writing this Blog he has managed to stand on my foot twice, tried to jump on my lap once and brought me his sock 6 times to play with. He seems to think that if he is not my sole focus of attention then there must be something wrong. When he does manage to finally get seated on my lap; he spins 6 times in various directions like my lap will all of a sudden change into a big pillow, then wiggles his bum into whatever spot (even if he won't fit) that he has decided was the best spot, then of course rests his head either on my arm or directly on the key board. In which case I then move him off my lap and put him either on the floor or the bed, which ever is closest, where he proceeds to get comfortable, look totally pathetic and sigh forlornly under his breath for the next 2 minutes.
This isn't much different when we decide to go out. He either sits at his bed, ears back and sad puppy faced, until our shoes are on, or goes all excitedly into his kennel looking at us like we are obviously going to be taking him wherever it is that we are going. Once he realizes that he is not coming with us he then proceeds to the first option of looking all sad as we go out the door. Once out the door he goes to our front window and pokes his head through the curtains watching us leave. As if to say "why aren't you taking me with you? I'm not a bad puppy! See I'm Cute!".
The question of the dog toy is also very much a toddler. Over the year and a half that we have had him he has gone through MANY and I mean MANY dog toys. They tend to last on average 2 hours to 1 day, but very seldom much longer than that. But just as a toddler tends to be more interested in a box than a toy, our dog is more interested in a sock than a toy. And not just any sock will do! It has to be one of Beau's stinky work sock, they seem to be his favorite, and if not any man's sock that has already been worn at least once. No clean socks for our puppy, they just won't cut it! No the stinkier the better. Once he has this sock, however, now you have to play with it, with him. Which means you must not grab the stinky, and usually soggy being he's been chewing it for a bit, sock and proceed to either play tug of war with it or turn it into a ball so that he can chase it. If there is an option between a sock and ball usually the sock wins out. The only thing better than a sock is a stuff toy which doesn't tend to last more than 2 minutes before there are pieces of toy and stuffing strewn all over my house, which means I have to pick up before the little rat decides to eat it with his morning meal and then poops fuzz for the next week. And if you have a small dog that is not fun, usually mean his poop gets stuck in his but by a string and I think you can see where this is going.
No matter what, however, I love my toddler dog. His incessant suckyness and his crazy dog ways. Without my dog I would be much more depressed, more often. It's nice to be wanted and needed no matter what your hair looks like... and the smellier the better. LOL
This isn't much different when we decide to go out. He either sits at his bed, ears back and sad puppy faced, until our shoes are on, or goes all excitedly into his kennel looking at us like we are obviously going to be taking him wherever it is that we are going. Once he realizes that he is not coming with us he then proceeds to the first option of looking all sad as we go out the door. Once out the door he goes to our front window and pokes his head through the curtains watching us leave. As if to say "why aren't you taking me with you? I'm not a bad puppy! See I'm Cute!".
The question of the dog toy is also very much a toddler. Over the year and a half that we have had him he has gone through MANY and I mean MANY dog toys. They tend to last on average 2 hours to 1 day, but very seldom much longer than that. But just as a toddler tends to be more interested in a box than a toy, our dog is more interested in a sock than a toy. And not just any sock will do! It has to be one of Beau's stinky work sock, they seem to be his favorite, and if not any man's sock that has already been worn at least once. No clean socks for our puppy, they just won't cut it! No the stinkier the better. Once he has this sock, however, now you have to play with it, with him. Which means you must not grab the stinky, and usually soggy being he's been chewing it for a bit, sock and proceed to either play tug of war with it or turn it into a ball so that he can chase it. If there is an option between a sock and ball usually the sock wins out. The only thing better than a sock is a stuff toy which doesn't tend to last more than 2 minutes before there are pieces of toy and stuffing strewn all over my house, which means I have to pick up before the little rat decides to eat it with his morning meal and then poops fuzz for the next week. And if you have a small dog that is not fun, usually mean his poop gets stuck in his but by a string and I think you can see where this is going.
No matter what, however, I love my toddler dog. His incessant suckyness and his crazy dog ways. Without my dog I would be much more depressed, more often. It's nice to be wanted and needed no matter what your hair looks like... and the smellier the better. LOL
Nov 17, 2010
Writing Words
So lately I have been amazed and astounded by the capacity of words and my lack of writing ability. Now I can write in the first person my own thoughts and experiences, but the ability to write a story that is coherent and becomes a full tale from beginning to end has escaped me since forever. I remember doing writing assignments in High school and younger. I never fully understood them, or was able to create a fully individual imaginative concept to write about.
I'm not saying I lack imagination, I have done art and such forever. But the ability to write a story requires more than imagination. It requires an ability to put the words and pictures in your head onto paper. To not over describe or under-describe a situation, but to put the write amount of thoughts and words so that the reader becomes part of the moment, part of the scene, part of the story. That is a talent I have lacked forever. Maybe it's not a lack of talent... maybe I need to practice this skill... but like all skills if you fail to have the initial idea and initial talent, it's hard to build on nothing.
I feel that maybe in some ways I need to increase my vocabulary. Maybe I am lacking in the words department. Maybe that has been what has impeded my ability to write anything more than a blog or a series of thoughts. So I have adopted a word today. I know that sounds funny, but the oxford dictionary has put out a site to get people to use more words. Words that are slowly becoming extinct in the English language. I have adopted Medioxumate... it's an adjective describing gods of intermediate rank... they had an example of a sentence "Don't worry about these lower-ranking medioxumate deities - they're probably only responsible for making crickets chirp." LOL... Wanna know something funny though. My spell check keeps trying to correct the word into mediocrity LOL... I guess they have the same route, but seriously.
So go adopt a word, if you do let me know what it is, maybe I'll become a better writer with the more words I know. http://www.savethewords.org/ Can't hurt to try!
I'm not saying I lack imagination, I have done art and such forever. But the ability to write a story requires more than imagination. It requires an ability to put the words and pictures in your head onto paper. To not over describe or under-describe a situation, but to put the write amount of thoughts and words so that the reader becomes part of the moment, part of the scene, part of the story. That is a talent I have lacked forever. Maybe it's not a lack of talent... maybe I need to practice this skill... but like all skills if you fail to have the initial idea and initial talent, it's hard to build on nothing.
I feel that maybe in some ways I need to increase my vocabulary. Maybe I am lacking in the words department. Maybe that has been what has impeded my ability to write anything more than a blog or a series of thoughts. So I have adopted a word today. I know that sounds funny, but the oxford dictionary has put out a site to get people to use more words. Words that are slowly becoming extinct in the English language. I have adopted Medioxumate... it's an adjective describing gods of intermediate rank... they had an example of a sentence "Don't worry about these lower-ranking medioxumate deities - they're probably only responsible for making crickets chirp." LOL... Wanna know something funny though. My spell check keeps trying to correct the word into mediocrity LOL... I guess they have the same route, but seriously.
So go adopt a word, if you do let me know what it is, maybe I'll become a better writer with the more words I know. http://www.savethewords.org/ Can't hurt to try!
Nov 16, 2010
A Day as Any Other.
Tomorrow is 18 weeks officially... OMFG... I know! How it seems to fly, and how I'm slowly becoming more and more paranoid as the time passes. I'm worried about everything. It's funny how after a loss you read up and find support in other people who have also experienced a loss. The problem is that now that you know all the other things that go wrong you start getting paranoid that about everything!! And I mean EVERYTHING.
I'm scared, nervous and hopeful. I try very hard to keep on the Hopeful point and not dwell on the scared and nervous points, but that doesn't always work. So many people have lost babies in so many ways. I've noticed, however, that the bulk are either through Miscarriage or Still Birth. It's harder to find people who have gone through a loss after the baby was born, and if they did usually it was due to something that the doctors saw right from the beginning... which doesn't make it easier, just means that in some ways they are more prepared. I have yet to find another person on the sites I've been on who has loss a baby at 28days, who spent a month in a NICU, who had the roller-coaster ride that we had. That we dread.
People tell us it'll be fine, just wait till the babies born and everything will be OK! But unlike others who have loss, our baby seemed fine, and was born OK... and we still loss him. So we have to wait till after the baby's born... till the baby's home... that's when I will be OK. At least in someways!
Please let this baby be born to term, or close to term... I don't want to spend a month or two in the hospital... I don't want to worry anymore... Why can't I have a happy pregnancy???
I'm scared, nervous and hopeful. I try very hard to keep on the Hopeful point and not dwell on the scared and nervous points, but that doesn't always work. So many people have lost babies in so many ways. I've noticed, however, that the bulk are either through Miscarriage or Still Birth. It's harder to find people who have gone through a loss after the baby was born, and if they did usually it was due to something that the doctors saw right from the beginning... which doesn't make it easier, just means that in some ways they are more prepared. I have yet to find another person on the sites I've been on who has loss a baby at 28days, who spent a month in a NICU, who had the roller-coaster ride that we had. That we dread.
People tell us it'll be fine, just wait till the babies born and everything will be OK! But unlike others who have loss, our baby seemed fine, and was born OK... and we still loss him. So we have to wait till after the baby's born... till the baby's home... that's when I will be OK. At least in someways!
Please let this baby be born to term, or close to term... I don't want to spend a month or two in the hospital... I don't want to worry anymore... Why can't I have a happy pregnancy???
Nov 13, 2010
What is this thing called motivation??
Some days I just can't believe how talented and motivated people are. They seem to Ooooooooooooze with motivation at creating amazing things. I have added a bunch of amazing artist links to the side of my page, to show you the motivation and talent of some people. Some days I wish I had that motivation to create things like that. Maybe it takes a mind set or maybe it just requires you forcing yourself to create, whether you want to or not.
Motivation has been a major key in what has been missing in my life for the past while. I just can't seem to get motivated to do anything... OK... I managed to build up enough motivation to create this site. But aside from that I have been lacking in the need and want department. I Want to do something but can't actually decided what I Want to do, and don't really feel the Need to do something just for doing something. I mustered up the motivation to get my Dread Falls done for the wedding, and they were successful, but since then doing any art just seems to have fallen to the waist side.
Maybe it's the lack of space or the lack of equipment or something. I have been trying to make Amigurumi robots out of crochet and haven't managed to finish the one I have been working on for almost 6 months LOL. Wow... that's sad and pathetic. To do photography or collage work I need a better camera and the space, being I would need to lay things out while I was working on them... so that sounds like too much work, so that's not happening. I don't know what will shake me out of this funk. I've been trying to figure that out for the past year. But my goal is not to do depressing art work, although that's pretty much where I'm at at the moment, so I should probably embrace it and let it be depressing, but then everything's depressing... GAH!
Whatever gods may be please send me some kind of motivation... something positive... something....
Motivation has been a major key in what has been missing in my life for the past while. I just can't seem to get motivated to do anything... OK... I managed to build up enough motivation to create this site. But aside from that I have been lacking in the need and want department. I Want to do something but can't actually decided what I Want to do, and don't really feel the Need to do something just for doing something. I mustered up the motivation to get my Dread Falls done for the wedding, and they were successful, but since then doing any art just seems to have fallen to the waist side.
Maybe it's the lack of space or the lack of equipment or something. I have been trying to make Amigurumi robots out of crochet and haven't managed to finish the one I have been working on for almost 6 months LOL. Wow... that's sad and pathetic. To do photography or collage work I need a better camera and the space, being I would need to lay things out while I was working on them... so that sounds like too much work, so that's not happening. I don't know what will shake me out of this funk. I've been trying to figure that out for the past year. But my goal is not to do depressing art work, although that's pretty much where I'm at at the moment, so I should probably embrace it and let it be depressing, but then everything's depressing... GAH!
Whatever gods may be please send me some kind of motivation... something positive... something....
Nov 12, 2010
As Darkness Falls
As most I start my day not wanting to get out of bed, being I have little at the moment to get out of bed for. I lay there for up to an hour debating, pondering and contemplating life, and whether I'm making a bigger deal of things than I should. But I don't think I am...
I sit and stare at the little castle that has Cole's remains and think of how different life would have been If... Yes I know I shouldn't use the "what if" statement being that there's nothing that could or will change everything that has happened in the past year. But I still sit there and stare and think. I haven't had enough will power since we received the photos of him to do anything with them. They sit in a container with his blanket and other things that were with him in the hospital. I may never put more than his little castle on that shelf, but I keep thinking I should. I should decorate it, I should add the few pictures I love of him, I should add the toy or the blanket or something. I think this every morning before I move and still don't do anything about it. I lay there in the sunlight as it turns from dawn to day and still I contemplate.
As I do this it always brings me back to my current pregnancy. The little one growing daily in my belly. I try to convince myself that everything that happened was a fluke, or necessary, or something. I try to convince myself that it will never happen again. That I will have no issues. That this little one will grow strong and big and be perfectly healthy. I have a hard time believing that some mornings. But I can't dwell on the Could haves, Should haves, or May yet be's. I shake myself out of my daily reverie and force myself to put on a good face for the day.
The sun is bright and warm, and my days seem to be this most of the time. Most days after morning I am fine, I can be happy, I can be strong.
But night comes... darkness falls. And with the dropping of the temperature, and the dropping of the sun, my mood can fall with it. I go to bed praying, hoping, wishing that this pregnancy will not be like the last. That everything WILL be fine, will be good! That this baby will be happy, HEALTHY and strong, and that I will be strong enough to endure the next few months and all that will and can happen. That I will be strong enough to handle being in the NICU should this baby be pre-term... That I will be strong.
Don't give up... stay strong... When dawn comes and darkness falls.
I sit and stare at the little castle that has Cole's remains and think of how different life would have been If... Yes I know I shouldn't use the "what if" statement being that there's nothing that could or will change everything that has happened in the past year. But I still sit there and stare and think. I haven't had enough will power since we received the photos of him to do anything with them. They sit in a container with his blanket and other things that were with him in the hospital. I may never put more than his little castle on that shelf, but I keep thinking I should. I should decorate it, I should add the few pictures I love of him, I should add the toy or the blanket or something. I think this every morning before I move and still don't do anything about it. I lay there in the sunlight as it turns from dawn to day and still I contemplate.
As I do this it always brings me back to my current pregnancy. The little one growing daily in my belly. I try to convince myself that everything that happened was a fluke, or necessary, or something. I try to convince myself that it will never happen again. That I will have no issues. That this little one will grow strong and big and be perfectly healthy. I have a hard time believing that some mornings. But I can't dwell on the Could haves, Should haves, or May yet be's. I shake myself out of my daily reverie and force myself to put on a good face for the day.
The sun is bright and warm, and my days seem to be this most of the time. Most days after morning I am fine, I can be happy, I can be strong.
But night comes... darkness falls. And with the dropping of the temperature, and the dropping of the sun, my mood can fall with it. I go to bed praying, hoping, wishing that this pregnancy will not be like the last. That everything WILL be fine, will be good! That this baby will be happy, HEALTHY and strong, and that I will be strong enough to endure the next few months and all that will and can happen. That I will be strong enough to handle being in the NICU should this baby be pre-term... That I will be strong.
Don't give up... stay strong... When dawn comes and darkness falls.
Nov 11, 2010
Lest we Forget
Today is the day that all us Canadians have set aside to remember those who have fought, and whom we have lost in the many wars and battles our country has been in. It seems for a day of remembrance we tend to usually focus on the pain and sorrow. We do forget they these are men and women who had experienced joys and laughter in their life as well as pain. These soldiers are not just empty shells that we have sent into battle. Most of them had husbands and wives, children and parents... Loves... Joys... Hopes and Dreams.
Why must every day and event we have focus purely on the pain and sorrow in our lives and in the lives of others. Can we not acknowledge the pain and instead of focusing on it, accept it and focus instead on the stories that made these men and women people, loves and friends to us and to other soldiers. Maybe I have had too much pain and sorrow for one year. I know some have had too much for a life time.
Let us not forget the people behind the uniforms. Let us remember them not only for the things that they have done, but as well as the things that they were. Remember and celebrate the people, the good and the bad... and not only the pain and the sorrow! If we forget that they are people, we will forget the point. We will just know that some person did something. Not that they were wonderful friends and family members.
We must remember everything! We must remember THEM! For who they were, not just the job they took place in!
Why must every day and event we have focus purely on the pain and sorrow in our lives and in the lives of others. Can we not acknowledge the pain and instead of focusing on it, accept it and focus instead on the stories that made these men and women people, loves and friends to us and to other soldiers. Maybe I have had too much pain and sorrow for one year. I know some have had too much for a life time.
Let us not forget the people behind the uniforms. Let us remember them not only for the things that they have done, but as well as the things that they were. Remember and celebrate the people, the good and the bad... and not only the pain and the sorrow! If we forget that they are people, we will forget the point. We will just know that some person did something. Not that they were wonderful friends and family members.
We must remember everything! We must remember THEM! For who they were, not just the job they took place in!
Nov 10, 2010
A New Day
I believe in starting things with a bang... or in some cases a fizzle and a pop.
As my day draws to an end I have finally managed to finish my Blog set up and installation. It may not be quite as I hoped, yet it is not nearly as bad as I had expected.
I will start this Blog with an intention, and although I know that I may not stick to the intention completely I will attempt to stick to it as much as possible. I do not intend to use this as a medium of online journal writing, nor am I using it to write some great masterpiece. Some of my posts may come off journally but my intent is not for that. Instead I hope and intend to use this forum as a means to work through all the thought, worries and fear... as well as expectations and hopes that I have and will be experiencing in the next few months. This will be my attempt to use a productive medium in order to work through things that I may not be able to express verbally with friends and family, or even to myself. Some posts may be pain ridden, and some may be pure joy. I hope to not dwell on the negative, but to express it and deal with it in order to grow and alleviate some of the constant depression that has surrounded me in the past 10 months.
I will be honest with myself and acknowledge that I do not believe that anyone will read this. But should I have a reader I will explain my previous statement in due time. I hope that this may become a productive and positive medium for myself and possibly for others in time.
As my day draws to an end I have finally managed to finish my Blog set up and installation. It may not be quite as I hoped, yet it is not nearly as bad as I had expected.
I will start this Blog with an intention, and although I know that I may not stick to the intention completely I will attempt to stick to it as much as possible. I do not intend to use this as a medium of online journal writing, nor am I using it to write some great masterpiece. Some of my posts may come off journally but my intent is not for that. Instead I hope and intend to use this forum as a means to work through all the thought, worries and fear... as well as expectations and hopes that I have and will be experiencing in the next few months. This will be my attempt to use a productive medium in order to work through things that I may not be able to express verbally with friends and family, or even to myself. Some posts may be pain ridden, and some may be pure joy. I hope to not dwell on the negative, but to express it and deal with it in order to grow and alleviate some of the constant depression that has surrounded me in the past 10 months.
I will be honest with myself and acknowledge that I do not believe that anyone will read this. But should I have a reader I will explain my previous statement in due time. I hope that this may become a productive and positive medium for myself and possibly for others in time.
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