Sleep....

So as the saying goes, Sleep is for the weak. From this I have discovered, in recent days, that would mean the weak are those who are not pregnant, don't have children, and are responsible workers who go to bed at a decent hour and don't stay up all night playing video games or going to the bar (Being they are the only ones I can think of who may actually sleep regularly) I, for one, am not part of the weak. I have decided this from the sheer lack of ability to sleep through the night without getting up 16 times to pee and having a baby kicking to the point that even though I don't have to pee I still feel like I do so I get up and go pee although I just got back from the bathroom then have to go get more water and usually let the dog out and maybe make food (cause I'm pregnant and want to eat ALL THE TIME) and then I lay down again and repeat the cycle till I say fuck it and come here and play on the computer so that at least I'm sitting up already when I have to go pee the next 16 times.... which makes me the LEAST WEAK individual I can think of. (Now that was one long run on sentence) So I've decided that the "Strong" or at least not weak must mean the sleep deprived, tired all the time, poorly motivated individuals... or maybe just the gamer geeks... Oh how I wish I was the weak! LOL

Why is it that my dog can sleep the whole night through without fail but when it finally means I can go to sleep, usually 'cause I've hit the point of sheer exhaustion, that's when (without fail) my dog decides to wake me up 'cause now he's wide awake and wants to play and usually has to pee. And it's not like he usually just goes pee once... NOooooooooooo. Instead, 'cause it's cold outside and there's this horrible thing called SNOW on the ground, he will go out and go pee, then when I'm back in bed and mostly asleep he will get up again and want to go out again and this time he poops. Why my dog can't do both of his businesses on the same trip outside I can not understand. What usually ends up happening is I go back to bed after the first trip and ignore him for at least an hour, when he finally hits the point that instead of just moving around the bed sighing he'll get off the bed and sit by the door and make loud pathetic dog sighs that are just short of being a whine and are just loud enough that it's completely annoying and even putting a pillow over my face I can not tune out the pathetic dog. Then when I get up he runs downstairs to the door, where I put him out, and he does his business. Upon getting back into the house he usually runs up the stairs, all excited as dogs are after going poop, and proceeds to jump on the bed and curl up ON MY PILLOW, in MY SPOT and fall back to sleep before I've managed to lock the door and walk back up the stairs. Usually at this point I then have to go pee (for my 14th or so time in the night) and then try to go back to sleep. This usually fails miserably being now I've moved a bit and so the baby starts kicking, so I have to pee again about 5 minutes after my head hits the pillow, which continues on the cycle I mentioned above, resulting in me getting up and playing on the computer until I'm too tired to care. I then try to move the sleeping dog, who looks at me with the expression of "Can't you just let ME get the sleep that you aren't going to get without being woken up" which I respond to by picking him up and putting him at the end on the bed or when my husband's home throwing the dog on him because I'm usually frustrated now that he has been sleeping this whole time while I've been trying to sleep. This usually results in me finally managing maybe 3 hours more sleep before I just can't sleep 'cause by this time my husband and the dog are wide awake and noisy and acting like I sleep all day. I respond to this by turning over and pretending to sleep some more until the dog either jumps on me or my husband starts doing things (like opening the bedroom curtains, or talking on Ventrilo) in which I usually submit to defeat and get up.

Oh to sleep again THROUGH the night... I think it's a thing of the past or of myth! LOL

FEBRUARY!

So we've hit the month we re-named last year as CRAP! For those of you who don't know this the year now goes... January, Crap, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December.

Yesterday I had an absolutely shitty ass day. So today I decided to try and cheer myself up, even if it just means not actually dealing with anything. I did laundry, and groceries, and rented 3 movies. I've watched the first one (called Mic Macs) which was done by the same guy who did Amelie, so it's in french with subtitles and cute. A light-hearted feel good kinda movie, just what my mood called for. 

Yesterday it was like no matter how I tried I couldn't shake the blues. And every time I almost got them shaken something would happen or remind me of last year. I found out a friend of mine's sister-in-law had her twins at 24weeks... lost one of them... and the other is fighting for life in the NICU! It sucks... I feel her pain on both fronts!

I'm just missing my little boy. I know in some ways I should be happy that I'm pregnant and this little on is healthy and should have no complications (keeping fingers, toes and eyes crossed) but I can't help missing the one I barely got to meet!

Hopefully this Crap will be better than last!

Here are two pictures of the one we lost, and who my heart's breaking everyday this month remembering the roller coaster ride and the time we got to spend with him. As fleeting as it was.... 

 ^ Cole at 2 days in the NICU in Kingston

\/ Cole at 28 days, the morning he passed in the NICU in Kingston

I miss my little guy more than anything at the moment....

Gah!

Sometimes I think I do it to myself. I'm having a mostly good day, no major issues, feeling pretty positive. Then I do something or go somewhere and make it bad.

Today is one of those days. Had a fairly good weekend. Even got the nerve up to go and start pricing baby stuff, which in itself was a step. Didn't go out for too long, or look too hard just kinda walked through the section, looked at a stroller/car seat combo. Today I was feeling tired but fine and then I go and ruin it. I was looking for a movie to watch and instead of watching my staples I was an idiot and put on City of Angels of all movies. Yeah I totally forgot what it was about, I remembered love story and angels but I didn't remember the fact that a little girl dies in the first scene.... and almost the whole thing is in a hospital. Just what I needed. Yeah, Right! So now I'm feeling crappy, stopped the movie part of the way and came onto the computer. And instead of looking at something nice or funny I look up Meconium and possible reasons for us losing Cole and make myself feel worst.

Why do I do this to myself? I was feeling good, why couldn't I just let things be? I know there's no real answer for that, it's just crappy. So now I'm sad and depressed and my husband isn't home till Friday. I know I'll shake it, and probably within the next few hours, but still.