We have now official hit the point where Violet is past Cole's dates. Wednesday she became 4 weeks exactly. Cole passed at 28 days and I find myself today feeling a little emotionally up. I'm tired, don't get me wrong, but I'm on an emotional up instead of down. What this means psychologically, I'm not 100% sure, but I think I've been unable to allow myself to believe that everything is as good as it is. I think I've been holding a piece of me back waiting for the other shoe to drop. For my world to fall out from under me. For life to kick me again just as I'm thinking it's going good.
But we've done it, we've passed everything that I can think of that would make me down. Violet's happy, healthy, safe and strong. Everything I've been wishing for throughout the pregnancy, and I'm actually feeling that things may remain that way.
I've discussed with my husband the issues I've been having with the whole breast feeding thing. I've decided that I will continue to pump for as long as I'm producing enough milk, or until I get fed up with it. I have completely given up on trying to actually breastfeed her, and since I've decided this I've felt a lot better. Less stressed and less inadequate. It helped that my husband finally told me that he didn't mean to make me feel like I had to get her onto the boob, instead he was trying to support me at what he thought would help me. But instead it had just made me depressed. Sometimes getting rid of one thing just removes that straw that would otherwise have broken the camel's back. I know that the whole breastfeeding thing was not as big of a deal as I felt it was. It was an accumulation of everything that had been going on and that had gone on over the past year. It was the final straw for my emotional sanity. But having now decided that I will forgo the direct breastfeeding and just pump/bottle feed her, I've felt a lot more calm. This means that I am not tied to having to be around all the time, this gives me a little freedom and allows Polar Bear to be directly involved with his daughter (which he's loving).
Well we will see how this new found positive feelings continue. I'm sure there will be some more downs in the future, especially when things remind me of Cole, but for now I will enjoy my daughter and try and keep the clouds at bay. TGFS *thank the gods for spring!
