Continuing to search for ME...

I'm starting to wonder if you can be depressed after seeming to be okay for a while.

I'm starting to wonder if this feeling of loss and frustration may be that there's something more than just needing a hobby, or more social interaction or anything. I'm starting to wonder if this is residue from my past two years.

I've been thinking a lot about Cole over the past two weeks. It seems when I'm sitting alone he keeps coming into my mind and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I'm sad and missing him while being happy and overjoyed with Violet. I feel like I'm bi-polar or on a roller coaster where sometimes I'll be really up and then the floor drops out from under me. I really don't know what to do about it.

I think I'm having a hard time dealing with everything... and there's nothing that should be hard to deal with. Violet's great and mostly easy to handle (knock on wood), the house REALLY isn't that bad (if I would just stay on top of it), but still I'm feeling lost.

I've discussed my issues with feeling like I've lost who I am. I'm not sure if that's something separate or all part of the same can of worms. I don't know if trying to re-visit me will help or if it is just sugar coating the real issues inside.

I'm tired of defining myself as a mom and someone who lost their son. I used to be a punk... I used to be a Martial Artist... I used to work out... I used to be a University Student... I used to be a Mathematician... I used to be an Artist... I used to be a Photographer... I used to be an Executive Assistant... I used to be a Program Coordinator for the PDD... I used to be a bank clerk... I used to be a Manager of Retail Stores... I used to go to the club on friday nights... I used to wear thigh high PVC 5inch heels and mini skirts... I used to be an avid Bif Naked fan... I used to be motivated... I used to believe I could do anything and everything... I used to have short hair and big attitude... I used to walk through the mall or at the bar and KNOW that guys were watching me... I used to have LOTS of confidence... I used to feel that my world would work out for the best no matter where I went or what I did... I used to have an undefined spirituality that I was content with... I used to make chalk portraits... I used to draw regularly... I used to......

I AM a mom of a beautiful strong little girl... I AM a mom of an angel who gave me 28days of heart ache and love... I AM the wife of a husband who I love with all my heart... I AM the wife of a MAN who I love watching work... I AM the owner of a crazy dog that I love dearly... I AM the friend of many but only close to a few... I AM the friend of those who aren't in my city but I still care deeply about them... I AM the daughter of a loving father who works hard at his job and his fun... I AM the daughter of a mom who I find is flighty at times but I love because of that... I AM the daughter of a father who would help me with ANYTHING if I ask... I AM the sister of a brother that may be part gypsy (LOL)... I AM a person who will be there if you ever need anything BUT you have to ask... I AM blunt but try to be tactful... I AM a woman but I try to be tough... I AM a non practicing Catholic who leans towards the pagan at times... I AM the first person to tell you that all religions are the same just using different words... I AM the one who will be there in a fight if you need me even if I know I'll get hurt... I AM sometimes hot headed... I AM a friend who tries to be there for her friends... I AM a stay at home mom that never thought she would be... I AM embarrassed not to be working or supporting myself even though I know I don't have to be... I AM disconnected from art and don't know how to reconnect... I AM searching for my passion and don't know how to start... I AM going to be 30 this year... I AM missing my son daily and don't know how to deal with that... I AM tired of grief and pain and sorrow and want to be happy again... I AM most happy with my daughter and husband and dog but feel like I'm in a bubble at times.........................................

I AM ME...

I AM trying to reconnect to what is important to me....
My daughter
My husband
My family
My friends
My dog
..... are understood........ but children grow, and husbands go to work. Friends have other lives and family is far away... my dog loves me unconditionally but sometimes I'm too tired to play....

I am trying to write a story but have lost the motivation... I tried to make a collage but nothing seemed to fit... I feel like the picture I used to draw, where the eye dropped a tear into the flower which collected into a river. If I find the pic I'll scan it and show you.... I need to find that river and figure out where it may lead me. It will be a while before I can follow it truely... 1st is raising my daughter and I don't want to miss her growing... but maybe the path of the river will allow me to watch her grow and be apart of that life while still allowing me to find out where I may be...

The first Day...

Today is the first day of the rest of your life....

I know we've all heard that saying before but some days it seems more true than other days. I have been trying (and still am) to figure out ways to figure out where ME and who I am come into play and are in relation to being a Mom and a Wife and a Dog owner... as well as a punky-alternative lover of fashion, music, art and all things math related (I know, that last one seems out of place). Part of me is trying to figure out what it is I want to do with the rest of my life, if I want to go back to school, what my passion is??? Some of these things I've talked about before with my last posting.

I'm debating on starting another blog. One that focuses on something... either my writing (which isn't very good... yet) or my art (which I've been totally slacking on) or my photography or my ideas on wedding planning or my life as a mom (which I feel is a little overwhelmed and there are A LOT of blogs about) or something completely different. I haven't decided what it is I'm looking for in my life and I think I'll keep this blog for that purpose, but I'm debating on starting one that's less personal in someways, less about me discussing my issues, problems, stresses, loves, losses, life... and more about something else.

I don't know if this is a market that's too saturated... that has WAY too many people involved. But I wonder if it's something I should try to break into being I am a stay at home mom and it would be nice to feel I've accomplished something in the day other than just changing my daughter's diapers.

If anyone has any suggestions please let me know. I don't promise that I will use any of them but they may help me on this path to figuring out what it is I really want.