So it's been a few years since I've posted on this site.
I tend to reserve this for big hard life changes, and lately that seems to be all my life is.
I now have two beautiful little girls. My mother lives with me. I have my dog and my mom's dog in the house.
My husband and I bought our house last year. But the past year has been rough.
Well maybe rough is an understatement.
Not all of the past year has been bad, but that's what gets the focus when you are going through the issues we have.
Since June it got worst.
I thought of leaving, I told him I was unhappy and then I did leave (for one night). But with 2 kids in the mix we talked about working it out. And in doing so decided to try opening the relationship... big mistake. I'm not saying it's not a good thing. Those that can do it, more power to them, but it didn't help us. It made it worst.
Through that time my husband went on suicide watch... was in the hospital twice... was put on a variety of meds that did not work and made him slightly crazy. And being we were no where near friends I took the brunt of it.
The last time he went in I decided that I couldn't live as we were anymore and told him we were separating. Now comes the hard part. The part of sticking to it.
You see, it's not easy when you still love the person, to leave. Even if you know it's better for your health, happiness and the happiness of those in your family, it's still not easy.
When you make that decision you keep questioning it... and I question it every day. I stick to my decision because I need a path. But moving from the house we bought last year to go back to the town where my support is sometimes feels like failing and giving up. I go through days and moments of days where I think I should call him to come back and think that this would be a good idea. I know it's not, I know I would be drained and our cycles would start again. I know he and I both need a lot of work before we could ever go back to being anything. And when I see him in person so he can spend time with the kids I remember the pain and sorrow... the depression and anxiety... the stresses and fears of living in the environment... I try and harden my resolve even when I want to say "it's all right, we'll work this out". I look at pictures pre kids. Pre Loss of Cole... pre two very stressful scary pregnancies... pre money worries... pre having my mother and other people in our spaces all the time... pre two demanding little ones (3.5 and 1 years old) and no time for ourselves... and think "heck we could have that again... that was good". But I then wake myself up and say no that was almost 4 years ago... we have been battling for everything since our wedding... since kids... and our depressions got the better of us.
I have been dealing for years with the loss of our son. I have been working through the changes with our girls, the post partum's, the everything... 'cause life changes a lot. Things you plan and expect often don't work out. You loose sight of you, you loose sight of your hopes and dreams.
You fall into the trap of doing what's needed for day to day. Of trying to keep everyone happy. Of being supportive and letting yourself fall into the background. You say that there are things you want, like, love... you tell your partners that there are things that are important to you... but people are selfish and self centred. People are about what they want and will often tell you that they are doing it for you. They may believe that to the bottom of their toes but it doesn't mean that you feel it.
Instead you feel like you are in a box. Cut off from people and life... being given advice left, right and center about what you need to do with your life.
You are told that you are running away by one... told that you are strong by another... you aren't sure if you are going up or down. But you need to keep going. Head to the grind, walking forward because you can't walk back and it hurts your heart, you can't look forward too far because you don't know what's ahead at all and the path is over a hill... you can't see what's beyond that hill all you know is you need to get over the path.
Separation SUCKS. No one goes into a relationship expecting it to end. People sling terms like abuse, rape, assault around easily... like there is no hurt in relationships... like everyone has always been in perfect low conflict relationships where the worst that has happened is maybe a heated argument. But when a relationship breaks down abuse is almost always present. People give into things to stop the argument or reduce conflict, people get aggressive or self righteous, people want to be heard no matter what or don't want to be heard at all. Personal space becomes an issue and arguments go bad, especially if one person isn't capable of regulating themselves at the moment.
So now I'm finding apartments, planning on moving, going to job interviews, talking about things and seeking assistance from places that I never planned on ever needing and never wanting to admit I'd ever need. I'm still trying as hard as I can to be civil where people tell me not too, I'm still willing to give in to things where people tell me to be a bitch, because people forget that we all fall down, and although our lives are changing drastically, there is no reason to sling shit around to the point where we are all covered. Instead you try and accept the changes and go with the flow. You try and make the best of it for your kids, your life and your family. You acknowledge that what ever issues were between you, the other person will ALWAYS be in your life for those two little girls so focus on what they need and maybe in time you two can at least be in the same room for their graduation dinner without glaring or feeling the need to put on a show.
I know in time I will see over that mountain but at the moment all I see is the storm I'm walking in, feeling the burn on my legs trying to carry everything uphill and feeling hallow from the whole experience.
I have friends and people who love me... but it's hard to accept and understand what love is at times. Love is not this fairy tale that people and movies tell you about... it's not always good. Sometimes love is ugly and painful. Sometimes love is saying goodbye for yourself even if you know something in you may die. Sometimes love is dirty and hard. Sometimes love is not being. Not being in the box where you believed you would be and tried to make yourself into... instead sometimes love is alone, cold and dark, learning to hear only your breath. Sometimes love is being the one to make the hard painful decision for the better of your world. Sometimes love hurts a lot.
Changing your life sucks, ripping the band aid off hurts... but scars heal, hearts mend, and life continues.
Angie
Sep 22, 2014
Jul 26, 2011
Been Busy!
Well I haven't been on this site that often lately. So those of you who don't know I've started a new site... WOOT. This one's about art! And everything Art related. It has stuff on history and activities. Hopefully I will actually have people come to it :)
Artsy You
^ This is my site! Check it out... Favorite it... Share it with your friends, family and countrymen! LOL!
I will still be posting on this site, but it will remain strictly personal stuff I'm going through. The other site is more for a general populous.
So here's hoping that something may actually come of it. I know it will take time, but I'm impatient. I am enjoying it however. So that's a good thing. It gives me an outlet and an excuse to do art (which I haven't been doing that much in the past few years). I think some part of me gave up on art being it's emotional and I've been not truely wanting to deal with it. But I figure I have to start facing and acknowledging my issues and see what comes of it.
I've been having a rough few days. I think it's mostly the usual stuff but I'm not sure. A friend had their first baby on the weekend and it's hit me hard... which is weird. I've been cranky and irritable the past few days. I've been jealous that they get to bring their little one home so quickly. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that everything went so well, but part of me is still cranky that I never got to have the happy pregnancy. I never got to bring my first child home... I never got to do the stuff that seems normal to everyone else. Even with my daughter I was a ball of anxiety the first few weeks. Being in the hospital was hell, I had anxiety attacks just leaving for dinner. I kept waiting for a phone call saying something negative... She's home, safe, happy, healthy and great! I am grateful that I have her every day... but I still can't seem to shake this anxiety and sorrow that keeps hanging over me in the quiet moments. It's always in the background... I miss my little boy. I'm also having issues with the coming to terms that I may never have another. That with all the issues I don't know if we want to risk having another or dealing with me being sick during the pregnancy. Part of me wants to keep trying till I get my boy... and I know that another baby will never fix the hurt of my heart. And I know there's no guarantee that I'll have a boy... but it's one of those things deep inside that nag at you. That say... maybe if you have another that will fix it!
It won't! Nothing will fix it! There's no way that another will fix it... but trying to deal with the loss (that seems to have hit me like a ton of bricks again) and the possibility of never having another. It's like all those dreams and things you KNEW you would have when you were a kid are Never coming true. I will never have a happy pregnancy without worry, I will never have a pregnancy without some stress due to the fact that it's pretty certain I'll have Colistasis again... But I can't harp on this. I have a beautiful, healthy little girl... I am and have to keep focusing on that fact. Be grateful for what I have. For the time I had with Cole. For the time I now have with her.
Artsy You
^ This is my site! Check it out... Favorite it... Share it with your friends, family and countrymen! LOL!
I will still be posting on this site, but it will remain strictly personal stuff I'm going through. The other site is more for a general populous.
So here's hoping that something may actually come of it. I know it will take time, but I'm impatient. I am enjoying it however. So that's a good thing. It gives me an outlet and an excuse to do art (which I haven't been doing that much in the past few years). I think some part of me gave up on art being it's emotional and I've been not truely wanting to deal with it. But I figure I have to start facing and acknowledging my issues and see what comes of it.
I've been having a rough few days. I think it's mostly the usual stuff but I'm not sure. A friend had their first baby on the weekend and it's hit me hard... which is weird. I've been cranky and irritable the past few days. I've been jealous that they get to bring their little one home so quickly. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that everything went so well, but part of me is still cranky that I never got to have the happy pregnancy. I never got to bring my first child home... I never got to do the stuff that seems normal to everyone else. Even with my daughter I was a ball of anxiety the first few weeks. Being in the hospital was hell, I had anxiety attacks just leaving for dinner. I kept waiting for a phone call saying something negative... She's home, safe, happy, healthy and great! I am grateful that I have her every day... but I still can't seem to shake this anxiety and sorrow that keeps hanging over me in the quiet moments. It's always in the background... I miss my little boy. I'm also having issues with the coming to terms that I may never have another. That with all the issues I don't know if we want to risk having another or dealing with me being sick during the pregnancy. Part of me wants to keep trying till I get my boy... and I know that another baby will never fix the hurt of my heart. And I know there's no guarantee that I'll have a boy... but it's one of those things deep inside that nag at you. That say... maybe if you have another that will fix it!
It won't! Nothing will fix it! There's no way that another will fix it... but trying to deal with the loss (that seems to have hit me like a ton of bricks again) and the possibility of never having another. It's like all those dreams and things you KNEW you would have when you were a kid are Never coming true. I will never have a happy pregnancy without worry, I will never have a pregnancy without some stress due to the fact that it's pretty certain I'll have Colistasis again... But I can't harp on this. I have a beautiful, healthy little girl... I am and have to keep focusing on that fact. Be grateful for what I have. For the time I had with Cole. For the time I now have with her.
Jul 13, 2011
Continuing to search for ME...
I'm starting to wonder if you can be depressed after seeming to be okay for a while.
I'm starting to wonder if this feeling of loss and frustration may be that there's something more than just needing a hobby, or more social interaction or anything. I'm starting to wonder if this is residue from my past two years.
I've been thinking a lot about Cole over the past two weeks. It seems when I'm sitting alone he keeps coming into my mind and I'm not sure what to do about it.
I'm sad and missing him while being happy and overjoyed with Violet. I feel like I'm bi-polar or on a roller coaster where sometimes I'll be really up and then the floor drops out from under me. I really don't know what to do about it.
I think I'm having a hard time dealing with everything... and there's nothing that should be hard to deal with. Violet's great and mostly easy to handle (knock on wood), the house REALLY isn't that bad (if I would just stay on top of it), but still I'm feeling lost.
I've discussed my issues with feeling like I've lost who I am. I'm not sure if that's something separate or all part of the same can of worms. I don't know if trying to re-visit me will help or if it is just sugar coating the real issues inside.
I'm tired of defining myself as a mom and someone who lost their son. I used to be a punk... I used to be a Martial Artist... I used to work out... I used to be a University Student... I used to be a Mathematician... I used to be an Artist... I used to be a Photographer... I used to be an Executive Assistant... I used to be a Program Coordinator for the PDD... I used to be a bank clerk... I used to be a Manager of Retail Stores... I used to go to the club on friday nights... I used to wear thigh high PVC 5inch heels and mini skirts... I used to be an avid Bif Naked fan... I used to be motivated... I used to believe I could do anything and everything... I used to have short hair and big attitude... I used to walk through the mall or at the bar and KNOW that guys were watching me... I used to have LOTS of confidence... I used to feel that my world would work out for the best no matter where I went or what I did... I used to have an undefined spirituality that I was content with... I used to make chalk portraits... I used to draw regularly... I used to......
I AM a mom of a beautiful strong little girl... I AM a mom of an angel who gave me 28days of heart ache and love... I AM the wife of a husband who I love with all my heart... I AM the wife of a MAN who I love watching work... I AM the owner of a crazy dog that I love dearly... I AM the friend of many but only close to a few... I AM the friend of those who aren't in my city but I still care deeply about them... I AM the daughter of a loving father who works hard at his job and his fun... I AM the daughter of a mom who I find is flighty at times but I love because of that... I AM the daughter of a father who would help me with ANYTHING if I ask... I AM the sister of a brother that may be part gypsy (LOL)... I AM a person who will be there if you ever need anything BUT you have to ask... I AM blunt but try to be tactful... I AM a woman but I try to be tough... I AM a non practicing Catholic who leans towards the pagan at times... I AM the first person to tell you that all religions are the same just using different words... I AM the one who will be there in a fight if you need me even if I know I'll get hurt... I AM sometimes hot headed... I AM a friend who tries to be there for her friends... I AM a stay at home mom that never thought she would be... I AM embarrassed not to be working or supporting myself even though I know I don't have to be... I AM disconnected from art and don't know how to reconnect... I AM searching for my passion and don't know how to start... I AM going to be 30 this year... I AM missing my son daily and don't know how to deal with that... I AM tired of grief and pain and sorrow and want to be happy again... I AM most happy with my daughter and husband and dog but feel like I'm in a bubble at times.........................................
I AM ME...
I AM trying to reconnect to what is important to me....
My daughter
My husband
My family
My friends
My dog
..... are understood........ but children grow, and husbands go to work. Friends have other lives and family is far away... my dog loves me unconditionally but sometimes I'm too tired to play....
I am trying to write a story but have lost the motivation... I tried to make a collage but nothing seemed to fit... I feel like the picture I used to draw, where the eye dropped a tear into the flower which collected into a river. If I find the pic I'll scan it and show you.... I need to find that river and figure out where it may lead me. It will be a while before I can follow it truely... 1st is raising my daughter and I don't want to miss her growing... but maybe the path of the river will allow me to watch her grow and be apart of that life while still allowing me to find out where I may be...
I'm starting to wonder if this feeling of loss and frustration may be that there's something more than just needing a hobby, or more social interaction or anything. I'm starting to wonder if this is residue from my past two years.
I've been thinking a lot about Cole over the past two weeks. It seems when I'm sitting alone he keeps coming into my mind and I'm not sure what to do about it.
I'm sad and missing him while being happy and overjoyed with Violet. I feel like I'm bi-polar or on a roller coaster where sometimes I'll be really up and then the floor drops out from under me. I really don't know what to do about it.
I think I'm having a hard time dealing with everything... and there's nothing that should be hard to deal with. Violet's great and mostly easy to handle (knock on wood), the house REALLY isn't that bad (if I would just stay on top of it), but still I'm feeling lost.
I've discussed my issues with feeling like I've lost who I am. I'm not sure if that's something separate or all part of the same can of worms. I don't know if trying to re-visit me will help or if it is just sugar coating the real issues inside.
I'm tired of defining myself as a mom and someone who lost their son. I used to be a punk... I used to be a Martial Artist... I used to work out... I used to be a University Student... I used to be a Mathematician... I used to be an Artist... I used to be a Photographer... I used to be an Executive Assistant... I used to be a Program Coordinator for the PDD... I used to be a bank clerk... I used to be a Manager of Retail Stores... I used to go to the club on friday nights... I used to wear thigh high PVC 5inch heels and mini skirts... I used to be an avid Bif Naked fan... I used to be motivated... I used to believe I could do anything and everything... I used to have short hair and big attitude... I used to walk through the mall or at the bar and KNOW that guys were watching me... I used to have LOTS of confidence... I used to feel that my world would work out for the best no matter where I went or what I did... I used to have an undefined spirituality that I was content with... I used to make chalk portraits... I used to draw regularly... I used to......
I AM a mom of a beautiful strong little girl... I AM a mom of an angel who gave me 28days of heart ache and love... I AM the wife of a husband who I love with all my heart... I AM the wife of a MAN who I love watching work... I AM the owner of a crazy dog that I love dearly... I AM the friend of many but only close to a few... I AM the friend of those who aren't in my city but I still care deeply about them... I AM the daughter of a loving father who works hard at his job and his fun... I AM the daughter of a mom who I find is flighty at times but I love because of that... I AM the daughter of a father who would help me with ANYTHING if I ask... I AM the sister of a brother that may be part gypsy (LOL)... I AM a person who will be there if you ever need anything BUT you have to ask... I AM blunt but try to be tactful... I AM a woman but I try to be tough... I AM a non practicing Catholic who leans towards the pagan at times... I AM the first person to tell you that all religions are the same just using different words... I AM the one who will be there in a fight if you need me even if I know I'll get hurt... I AM sometimes hot headed... I AM a friend who tries to be there for her friends... I AM a stay at home mom that never thought she would be... I AM embarrassed not to be working or supporting myself even though I know I don't have to be... I AM disconnected from art and don't know how to reconnect... I AM searching for my passion and don't know how to start... I AM going to be 30 this year... I AM missing my son daily and don't know how to deal with that... I AM tired of grief and pain and sorrow and want to be happy again... I AM most happy with my daughter and husband and dog but feel like I'm in a bubble at times.........................................
I AM ME...
I AM trying to reconnect to what is important to me....
My daughter
My husband
My family
My friends
My dog
..... are understood........ but children grow, and husbands go to work. Friends have other lives and family is far away... my dog loves me unconditionally but sometimes I'm too tired to play....
I am trying to write a story but have lost the motivation... I tried to make a collage but nothing seemed to fit... I feel like the picture I used to draw, where the eye dropped a tear into the flower which collected into a river. If I find the pic I'll scan it and show you.... I need to find that river and figure out where it may lead me. It will be a while before I can follow it truely... 1st is raising my daughter and I don't want to miss her growing... but maybe the path of the river will allow me to watch her grow and be apart of that life while still allowing me to find out where I may be...
Jul 11, 2011
The first Day...
Today is the first day of the rest of your life....
I know we've all heard that saying before but some days it seems more true than other days. I have been trying (and still am) to figure out ways to figure out where ME and who I am come into play and are in relation to being a Mom and a Wife and a Dog owner... as well as a punky-alternative lover of fashion, music, art and all things math related (I know, that last one seems out of place). Part of me is trying to figure out what it is I want to do with the rest of my life, if I want to go back to school, what my passion is??? Some of these things I've talked about before with my last posting.
I'm debating on starting another blog. One that focuses on something... either my writing (which isn't very good... yet) or my art (which I've been totally slacking on) or my photography or my ideas on wedding planning or my life as a mom (which I feel is a little overwhelmed and there are A LOT of blogs about) or something completely different. I haven't decided what it is I'm looking for in my life and I think I'll keep this blog for that purpose, but I'm debating on starting one that's less personal in someways, less about me discussing my issues, problems, stresses, loves, losses, life... and more about something else.
I don't know if this is a market that's too saturated... that has WAY too many people involved. But I wonder if it's something I should try to break into being I am a stay at home mom and it would be nice to feel I've accomplished something in the day other than just changing my daughter's diapers.
If anyone has any suggestions please let me know. I don't promise that I will use any of them but they may help me on this path to figuring out what it is I really want.
I know we've all heard that saying before but some days it seems more true than other days. I have been trying (and still am) to figure out ways to figure out where ME and who I am come into play and are in relation to being a Mom and a Wife and a Dog owner... as well as a punky-alternative lover of fashion, music, art and all things math related (I know, that last one seems out of place). Part of me is trying to figure out what it is I want to do with the rest of my life, if I want to go back to school, what my passion is??? Some of these things I've talked about before with my last posting.
I'm debating on starting another blog. One that focuses on something... either my writing (which isn't very good... yet) or my art (which I've been totally slacking on) or my photography or my ideas on wedding planning or my life as a mom (which I feel is a little overwhelmed and there are A LOT of blogs about) or something completely different. I haven't decided what it is I'm looking for in my life and I think I'll keep this blog for that purpose, but I'm debating on starting one that's less personal in someways, less about me discussing my issues, problems, stresses, loves, losses, life... and more about something else.
I don't know if this is a market that's too saturated... that has WAY too many people involved. But I wonder if it's something I should try to break into being I am a stay at home mom and it would be nice to feel I've accomplished something in the day other than just changing my daughter's diapers.
If anyone has any suggestions please let me know. I don't promise that I will use any of them but they may help me on this path to figuring out what it is I really want.
Jun 27, 2011
Fighting
Well, it's been a few weeks since last I posted here. I feel that this Blog has done me good but sometimes I wonder if I'll keep it up. It got me through the heart ache and issues I was having during the pregnancy and I know I still have issues and heart aches... stresses and pains. But I'm trying really hard not to dwell on the negative all the time. I'm trying hard to keep positive, and enjoy my little girl (although that brings about a new set of stresses) and enjoy where I am and what I am.
This has been hard sometimes. I find that I have been fighting with myself... and as a result with the world around. I am mostly fighting with my self image and my definition of who I am. I'm fighting with the idea of being 30 this year and life not being quite what I expected it to be... nor me being quite where I expected to be. I am fighting with the griefs of loss, stress, image, and everything in between. I'm having issues with the fact that I've always tried to be fairly independent and am still having issues with the whole depending on my husband for everything financially. I'm having issues with my body image, my clothes, my hair, my appearance in general. I'm having issues with my time management and the fact that I feel trapped in my house in someways but am also having issues with the fact that I feel I can't truly personalize my house and my space being it's a rental and I live with a room mate. I'm having issues with living with people that aren't my family. I'm having a lot of issues and I'm having issues with having so many issues! I'm also having issues with whether or not this is a good venue to discuss my issues and if I should actually discuss things. I'm concerned about discussing personal things at times being this is a public forum. I'm concerned about hurting people's feelings when discussing friends and family and even myself. I'm also concerned whether this is worth the while. Whether anyone is benefiting from this or if it's just a load of nonsense. I don't know if anyone actually reads this, and if they do if it's worth while for me to write it.
I have never been this indecisive in my life. I've always known who and what I am. I've always been fairly confident in my life and what I did. There are few decisions I regret and even those I do regret I have chalked up to learning and have embraced them in some way. This is the first time I've ever looked in the mirror and been truely unhappy with me and no way to do to much about it.
I know having a child puts them first... and she has become my world. But I've never believed in losing yourself in the process.
I feel I've lost myself.... In the past two years... I have slowly lost who I am to myself.
After losing Cole my world fractured. I came back to Guelph with grief in my heart after having left with excitement and adventure. Our friends and family were still here but the year away meant their dynamic had changed and with my loss and subsequent pregnancy I have never truly felt blended within the group. The idea of feeling alone in a group of people never had felt truer. I've been working hard to try and feel more connected but still feel alone. I feel myself being one of those people who reflect on the good old days... no not high school... but University and our bar life. I don't want to be one of those people who's life stops but I don't know how to start it. Our year in Alberta was a lonely year, last year was hard and sad, I don't know how to make it better. It's been better with my munchkin but I still feel a sense of trudging... like I'm going through the motions but they haven't truly connected with me. I'm happy, I know I am, but at the same time I have a hard time letting myself be happy. I've always been one who works hard for what I want but I don't know what I want... so I feel like I'm floundering.
So many issues.... I know many of them are interconnected... but I don't know where to start.
This has been hard sometimes. I find that I have been fighting with myself... and as a result with the world around. I am mostly fighting with my self image and my definition of who I am. I'm fighting with the idea of being 30 this year and life not being quite what I expected it to be... nor me being quite where I expected to be. I am fighting with the griefs of loss, stress, image, and everything in between. I'm having issues with the fact that I've always tried to be fairly independent and am still having issues with the whole depending on my husband for everything financially. I'm having issues with my body image, my clothes, my hair, my appearance in general. I'm having issues with my time management and the fact that I feel trapped in my house in someways but am also having issues with the fact that I feel I can't truly personalize my house and my space being it's a rental and I live with a room mate. I'm having issues with living with people that aren't my family. I'm having a lot of issues and I'm having issues with having so many issues! I'm also having issues with whether or not this is a good venue to discuss my issues and if I should actually discuss things. I'm concerned about discussing personal things at times being this is a public forum. I'm concerned about hurting people's feelings when discussing friends and family and even myself. I'm also concerned whether this is worth the while. Whether anyone is benefiting from this or if it's just a load of nonsense. I don't know if anyone actually reads this, and if they do if it's worth while for me to write it.
I have never been this indecisive in my life. I've always known who and what I am. I've always been fairly confident in my life and what I did. There are few decisions I regret and even those I do regret I have chalked up to learning and have embraced them in some way. This is the first time I've ever looked in the mirror and been truely unhappy with me and no way to do to much about it.
I know having a child puts them first... and she has become my world. But I've never believed in losing yourself in the process.
I feel I've lost myself.... In the past two years... I have slowly lost who I am to myself.
After losing Cole my world fractured. I came back to Guelph with grief in my heart after having left with excitement and adventure. Our friends and family were still here but the year away meant their dynamic had changed and with my loss and subsequent pregnancy I have never truly felt blended within the group. The idea of feeling alone in a group of people never had felt truer. I've been working hard to try and feel more connected but still feel alone. I feel myself being one of those people who reflect on the good old days... no not high school... but University and our bar life. I don't want to be one of those people who's life stops but I don't know how to start it. Our year in Alberta was a lonely year, last year was hard and sad, I don't know how to make it better. It's been better with my munchkin but I still feel a sense of trudging... like I'm going through the motions but they haven't truly connected with me. I'm happy, I know I am, but at the same time I have a hard time letting myself be happy. I've always been one who works hard for what I want but I don't know what I want... so I feel like I'm floundering.
So many issues.... I know many of them are interconnected... but I don't know where to start.
Jun 8, 2011
Inspiration!
Page 13 and counting!!!
In some ways I feel like I'm doing really good. In others I'm feeling a lack on inspiration. I have the beginning and lead up to a story. I'm feeling less than adequate on my descriptions and depth for events. I know what I want to do, I know what I want them to feel but I've been having the issue of writing less than one page for a full event that, in my head, should feel more pronounced. I feel like I'm reading a youth novel, which is understandable being this is my first real attempt at writing and so my writing is probably at the youth novel level.
I know I won't get better if I don't actually practice and keep writing. The goal is to get it onto paper and then edit and add as needed. I'm trying to approach this like a picture or an essay for school. You need to get the draft and the basic shape of events onto paper, only after that can you go back and add/remove or alter. So I need inspiration. I need the feeling that I may actually succeed in finishing this piece of writing and that people may actually want to read it. I am tempted to put it on the internet... in written or picture format. I can't decide which would suite the story better. Maybe I should just stick with what I'm doing... but I know I'm needing some sort of praise or interest or something... gah!
I read a lot of Laurell K Hamilton, and she has a new book out as of today which I'm really looking forward to. I need to go back and read a few of the previous before I buy the new one. This is something I do with each new novel, just as a refresher I read the last 2 to 6 novels and being this is her 20th novel in the series it's usually needed to feel prepared for the new book.
While preparing for this new reading and release she's been putting out videos and blogs. This has been really interesting being it's allowed her fans to be very involved with the process as well as a glimpse at how she goes about writing a novel. The one thing I've noticed a lot is her use of the term Muse. This is her inner Muse, the thing that inspires and moves her to write. She also discusses the need to listen to the voices of her characters. I think this is where I'm lacking. I've never been good with pre-character development. Even in my Vampire, LARP and DND days (I know, sad lol) I've always taken a few games to get into the role of my character, and their attitudes. I've found that just saying what my character would be like is not enough, it takes a few LONG sessions to really know their voice. So I think this is my issue at the moment. I'm trying to write the voices of my characters, the thoughts and actions. I've figured out the narrator to an extent but I haven't got the characters quite down yet. I'm not saying they suck, they're just a little flat. 2 dimensional.
Hopefully with time and continuing the story I should manage to figure out what their voice actually is. Here's hoping!
Happy Writing!
In some ways I feel like I'm doing really good. In others I'm feeling a lack on inspiration. I have the beginning and lead up to a story. I'm feeling less than adequate on my descriptions and depth for events. I know what I want to do, I know what I want them to feel but I've been having the issue of writing less than one page for a full event that, in my head, should feel more pronounced. I feel like I'm reading a youth novel, which is understandable being this is my first real attempt at writing and so my writing is probably at the youth novel level.
I know I won't get better if I don't actually practice and keep writing. The goal is to get it onto paper and then edit and add as needed. I'm trying to approach this like a picture or an essay for school. You need to get the draft and the basic shape of events onto paper, only after that can you go back and add/remove or alter. So I need inspiration. I need the feeling that I may actually succeed in finishing this piece of writing and that people may actually want to read it. I am tempted to put it on the internet... in written or picture format. I can't decide which would suite the story better. Maybe I should just stick with what I'm doing... but I know I'm needing some sort of praise or interest or something... gah!
I read a lot of Laurell K Hamilton, and she has a new book out as of today which I'm really looking forward to. I need to go back and read a few of the previous before I buy the new one. This is something I do with each new novel, just as a refresher I read the last 2 to 6 novels and being this is her 20th novel in the series it's usually needed to feel prepared for the new book.
While preparing for this new reading and release she's been putting out videos and blogs. This has been really interesting being it's allowed her fans to be very involved with the process as well as a glimpse at how she goes about writing a novel. The one thing I've noticed a lot is her use of the term Muse. This is her inner Muse, the thing that inspires and moves her to write. She also discusses the need to listen to the voices of her characters. I think this is where I'm lacking. I've never been good with pre-character development. Even in my Vampire, LARP and DND days (I know, sad lol) I've always taken a few games to get into the role of my character, and their attitudes. I've found that just saying what my character would be like is not enough, it takes a few LONG sessions to really know their voice. So I think this is my issue at the moment. I'm trying to write the voices of my characters, the thoughts and actions. I've figured out the narrator to an extent but I haven't got the characters quite down yet. I'm not saying they suck, they're just a little flat. 2 dimensional.
Hopefully with time and continuing the story I should manage to figure out what their voice actually is. Here's hoping!
Happy Writing!
Jun 1, 2011
Obsession
I have decided to admit I have a slight obsession...
It's not with knitting or crafting or drinking or writing or even doing art....
It's with watching movie previews. I don't know what it is but I love watching movie previews. If you could go back in my web browsing history you would see a STUPID amount of times I am on iTunes Movie Trailers! I think I'm on this site at least once a day checking to see if there are any new previews or new anythings added. I will watch a preview for a movie I'm interested in sometimes multiple times. I think I love the previews sometimes more than the movie... which is sad. To me the anticipation for a new movie coming out is exciting. I'm excited just for it to come to theater... even if I never plan to go and see it in the theater... I love knowing when they are supposed to come out and what the variations of different trailers show. I watch the previews for almost EVERY movie that has a trailer on this site... and if it's coming to theater it usually is on this site at some time...
This is probably my strangest obsession. I check the trailers, then check the Cineplex website to see what's out this week. I don't actually make it to most movies. Before I had a baby my husband and I would see lots of movies. We would go every week to every other week just to see anything. We love the bad movies, the blow up bad guy kill kinda movies, anything action or SciFi or Fantasy. We would go to the movies not to see the movie but to do something. I love sitting in a theater as it gets dark and the movies about to start and of course I hate missing the previews...
Because although I have watched them a million times at home, I still love previews :)
It's not with knitting or crafting or drinking or writing or even doing art....
It's with watching movie previews. I don't know what it is but I love watching movie previews. If you could go back in my web browsing history you would see a STUPID amount of times I am on iTunes Movie Trailers! I think I'm on this site at least once a day checking to see if there are any new previews or new anythings added. I will watch a preview for a movie I'm interested in sometimes multiple times. I think I love the previews sometimes more than the movie... which is sad. To me the anticipation for a new movie coming out is exciting. I'm excited just for it to come to theater... even if I never plan to go and see it in the theater... I love knowing when they are supposed to come out and what the variations of different trailers show. I watch the previews for almost EVERY movie that has a trailer on this site... and if it's coming to theater it usually is on this site at some time...
This is probably my strangest obsession. I check the trailers, then check the Cineplex website to see what's out this week. I don't actually make it to most movies. Before I had a baby my husband and I would see lots of movies. We would go every week to every other week just to see anything. We love the bad movies, the blow up bad guy kill kinda movies, anything action or SciFi or Fantasy. We would go to the movies not to see the movie but to do something. I love sitting in a theater as it gets dark and the movies about to start and of course I hate missing the previews...
Because although I have watched them a million times at home, I still love previews :)
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