Some days I just can't believe how talented and motivated people are. They seem to Ooooooooooooze with motivation at creating amazing things. I have added a bunch of amazing artist links to the side of my page, to show you the motivation and talent of some people. Some days I wish I had that motivation to create things like that. Maybe it takes a mind set or maybe it just requires you forcing yourself to create, whether you want to or not.
Motivation has been a major key in what has been missing in my life for the past while. I just can't seem to get motivated to do anything... OK... I managed to build up enough motivation to create this site. But aside from that I have been lacking in the need and want department. I Want to do something but can't actually decided what I Want to do, and don't really feel the Need to do something just for doing something. I mustered up the motivation to get my Dread Falls done for the wedding, and they were successful, but since then doing any art just seems to have fallen to the waist side.
Maybe it's the lack of space or the lack of equipment or something. I have been trying to make Amigurumi robots out of crochet and haven't managed to finish the one I have been working on for almost 6 months LOL. Wow... that's sad and pathetic. To do photography or collage work I need a better camera and the space, being I would need to lay things out while I was working on them... so that sounds like too much work, so that's not happening. I don't know what will shake me out of this funk. I've been trying to figure that out for the past year. But my goal is not to do depressing art work, although that's pretty much where I'm at at the moment, so I should probably embrace it and let it be depressing, but then everything's depressing... GAH!
Whatever gods may be please send me some kind of motivation... something positive... something....
Nov 13, 2010
Nov 12, 2010
As Darkness Falls
As most I start my day not wanting to get out of bed, being I have little at the moment to get out of bed for. I lay there for up to an hour debating, pondering and contemplating life, and whether I'm making a bigger deal of things than I should. But I don't think I am...
I sit and stare at the little castle that has Cole's remains and think of how different life would have been If... Yes I know I shouldn't use the "what if" statement being that there's nothing that could or will change everything that has happened in the past year. But I still sit there and stare and think. I haven't had enough will power since we received the photos of him to do anything with them. They sit in a container with his blanket and other things that were with him in the hospital. I may never put more than his little castle on that shelf, but I keep thinking I should. I should decorate it, I should add the few pictures I love of him, I should add the toy or the blanket or something. I think this every morning before I move and still don't do anything about it. I lay there in the sunlight as it turns from dawn to day and still I contemplate.
As I do this it always brings me back to my current pregnancy. The little one growing daily in my belly. I try to convince myself that everything that happened was a fluke, or necessary, or something. I try to convince myself that it will never happen again. That I will have no issues. That this little one will grow strong and big and be perfectly healthy. I have a hard time believing that some mornings. But I can't dwell on the Could haves, Should haves, or May yet be's. I shake myself out of my daily reverie and force myself to put on a good face for the day.
The sun is bright and warm, and my days seem to be this most of the time. Most days after morning I am fine, I can be happy, I can be strong.
But night comes... darkness falls. And with the dropping of the temperature, and the dropping of the sun, my mood can fall with it. I go to bed praying, hoping, wishing that this pregnancy will not be like the last. That everything WILL be fine, will be good! That this baby will be happy, HEALTHY and strong, and that I will be strong enough to endure the next few months and all that will and can happen. That I will be strong enough to handle being in the NICU should this baby be pre-term... That I will be strong.
Don't give up... stay strong... When dawn comes and darkness falls.
I sit and stare at the little castle that has Cole's remains and think of how different life would have been If... Yes I know I shouldn't use the "what if" statement being that there's nothing that could or will change everything that has happened in the past year. But I still sit there and stare and think. I haven't had enough will power since we received the photos of him to do anything with them. They sit in a container with his blanket and other things that were with him in the hospital. I may never put more than his little castle on that shelf, but I keep thinking I should. I should decorate it, I should add the few pictures I love of him, I should add the toy or the blanket or something. I think this every morning before I move and still don't do anything about it. I lay there in the sunlight as it turns from dawn to day and still I contemplate.
As I do this it always brings me back to my current pregnancy. The little one growing daily in my belly. I try to convince myself that everything that happened was a fluke, or necessary, or something. I try to convince myself that it will never happen again. That I will have no issues. That this little one will grow strong and big and be perfectly healthy. I have a hard time believing that some mornings. But I can't dwell on the Could haves, Should haves, or May yet be's. I shake myself out of my daily reverie and force myself to put on a good face for the day.
The sun is bright and warm, and my days seem to be this most of the time. Most days after morning I am fine, I can be happy, I can be strong.
But night comes... darkness falls. And with the dropping of the temperature, and the dropping of the sun, my mood can fall with it. I go to bed praying, hoping, wishing that this pregnancy will not be like the last. That everything WILL be fine, will be good! That this baby will be happy, HEALTHY and strong, and that I will be strong enough to endure the next few months and all that will and can happen. That I will be strong enough to handle being in the NICU should this baby be pre-term... That I will be strong.
Don't give up... stay strong... When dawn comes and darkness falls.
Nov 11, 2010
Lest we Forget
Today is the day that all us Canadians have set aside to remember those who have fought, and whom we have lost in the many wars and battles our country has been in. It seems for a day of remembrance we tend to usually focus on the pain and sorrow. We do forget they these are men and women who had experienced joys and laughter in their life as well as pain. These soldiers are not just empty shells that we have sent into battle. Most of them had husbands and wives, children and parents... Loves... Joys... Hopes and Dreams.
Why must every day and event we have focus purely on the pain and sorrow in our lives and in the lives of others. Can we not acknowledge the pain and instead of focusing on it, accept it and focus instead on the stories that made these men and women people, loves and friends to us and to other soldiers. Maybe I have had too much pain and sorrow for one year. I know some have had too much for a life time.
Let us not forget the people behind the uniforms. Let us remember them not only for the things that they have done, but as well as the things that they were. Remember and celebrate the people, the good and the bad... and not only the pain and the sorrow! If we forget that they are people, we will forget the point. We will just know that some person did something. Not that they were wonderful friends and family members.
We must remember everything! We must remember THEM! For who they were, not just the job they took place in!
Why must every day and event we have focus purely on the pain and sorrow in our lives and in the lives of others. Can we not acknowledge the pain and instead of focusing on it, accept it and focus instead on the stories that made these men and women people, loves and friends to us and to other soldiers. Maybe I have had too much pain and sorrow for one year. I know some have had too much for a life time.
Let us not forget the people behind the uniforms. Let us remember them not only for the things that they have done, but as well as the things that they were. Remember and celebrate the people, the good and the bad... and not only the pain and the sorrow! If we forget that they are people, we will forget the point. We will just know that some person did something. Not that they were wonderful friends and family members.
We must remember everything! We must remember THEM! For who they were, not just the job they took place in!
Nov 10, 2010
A New Day
I believe in starting things with a bang... or in some cases a fizzle and a pop.
As my day draws to an end I have finally managed to finish my Blog set up and installation. It may not be quite as I hoped, yet it is not nearly as bad as I had expected.
I will start this Blog with an intention, and although I know that I may not stick to the intention completely I will attempt to stick to it as much as possible. I do not intend to use this as a medium of online journal writing, nor am I using it to write some great masterpiece. Some of my posts may come off journally but my intent is not for that. Instead I hope and intend to use this forum as a means to work through all the thought, worries and fear... as well as expectations and hopes that I have and will be experiencing in the next few months. This will be my attempt to use a productive medium in order to work through things that I may not be able to express verbally with friends and family, or even to myself. Some posts may be pain ridden, and some may be pure joy. I hope to not dwell on the negative, but to express it and deal with it in order to grow and alleviate some of the constant depression that has surrounded me in the past 10 months.
I will be honest with myself and acknowledge that I do not believe that anyone will read this. But should I have a reader I will explain my previous statement in due time. I hope that this may become a productive and positive medium for myself and possibly for others in time.
As my day draws to an end I have finally managed to finish my Blog set up and installation. It may not be quite as I hoped, yet it is not nearly as bad as I had expected.
I will start this Blog with an intention, and although I know that I may not stick to the intention completely I will attempt to stick to it as much as possible. I do not intend to use this as a medium of online journal writing, nor am I using it to write some great masterpiece. Some of my posts may come off journally but my intent is not for that. Instead I hope and intend to use this forum as a means to work through all the thought, worries and fear... as well as expectations and hopes that I have and will be experiencing in the next few months. This will be my attempt to use a productive medium in order to work through things that I may not be able to express verbally with friends and family, or even to myself. Some posts may be pain ridden, and some may be pure joy. I hope to not dwell on the negative, but to express it and deal with it in order to grow and alleviate some of the constant depression that has surrounded me in the past 10 months.
I will be honest with myself and acknowledge that I do not believe that anyone will read this. But should I have a reader I will explain my previous statement in due time. I hope that this may become a productive and positive medium for myself and possibly for others in time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)