I know I'm not very imaginative in the titling of my Blogs. I know this just by the sure fact that I've probably repeated a title or two... or used something similar. I just fail to feel the need to title my blogs after thing that I'm writing about, part of that is I title the page before I write the blog. Maybe I should do it the other way around but if this should happen then I probably will end up having blank titled blogs. So unoriginal it is!
I have been a bit of an emotional wreck the past week. Part of me feels that since the baby's here now and home I should be happy. And don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic. I have moments and days of pure joy. Joy of spending my time with her, Joy at everything in life. Then I have other days where I'm in the middle. My time spent with her is wonderful but everything else bothers me. And then there are the days where everything upsets me. I am blessed with an easygoing baby. If she was colic or anything I think it'd be worst, being she's so calm and easy she helps sooth me on those days. I know this sounds backwards but it's the way it is.
I've just felt fail lately. I know I'm doing the best I can and I know everyone would say I'm doing great. (Or at least that's what I've been told and heard at the moment) But I can't help but feel a little fail. I can't help but have part of me feel fail on the whole pregnancy thing. I failed with Cole and now I was unable to do term again. I had issues with pregnancy and I think it bruises my idea of woman. Now I'm failing on the whole breast feeding thing. I am able to pump but I've been producing less and she's been eating more. On top of that I've not been able to manage to have her actually breastfeed. My nipples have been bleeding and i doesn't get in the milk when I pump but it's worst when she tries to suckle. Being she's so small and been getting used to the bottle I've been having a harder time getting her to latch. I feel fail. I've been doing what I can and what is suggested by my readings on increasing production, and it helps a bit. But the whole breastfeeding thing is really getting me down. I try to explain it to my husband and he doesn't get it. He means well but doesn't get it. Today he suggested I try to breastfeed and I tried but was overwhelmed, 1st I couldn't get her on. Then her trying to suckle opened up my sore so it hurt a lot. Once I start bleeding it's out the window sometimes so I was over tired and frustrated and started crying. He took her and fed her by bottle which in some ways just made it worst. I know that it's mostly this one thing thats bothering me, and I know supposedly it's not a bug deal. At least I'm able to pump and she's able to eat breastmilk. But it's hard to have visions in your head and hopes and one by one they seem to be taken away.
I can't have my son. I can't have a happy term pregnancy and now I can't breast feed well. I just feel a little defeated.
So I'll thank whatever gods there are for my beautiful, healthy little girl and enjoy everything else about my time with her. I'll keep trying, and reading up about things to try, next to try is a nipple shield again... and one day I may have to stop trying boob just for my own sanity.
