BAKING....

This week I've been a baking machine. I think it helps me stay in the holiday spirit and not be totally depressed. I can't help but being sad most days, and yesterday was right up there. But I'm feeling good today so we'll see if this mood manages to last the day or if it's going to falter at some point.

Yesterday was hard. We had gotten in a check from the government for our HST and decided to get small gifts for family members. We couldn't decide on what to get Polar Bear's dad so we got a nice table frame and put a picture of Cole's foot and our hands on one side and one or our wedding pics on the other. It looks really nice but trying to get the pictures ready was hard. It meant I had to go through the pics from NILMDTS, which are beautiful but I totally avoid doing being they make me sad. I keep thinking one day I'll get them printed for me and make a scrapbook, or more like finish the scrapbook that I had started for him before he was born. In it all there is is his ultrasound pics. I have everything in boxes and around to put in it but just can't bring myself to go through it.

My husband thinks I'll never get it done. I may after this baby's born.... or I may ask a friend to do it for me... or at least help me do it... I don't know. I feel I should do it myself and that I'm letting Cole down in some way if I don't but at the same time I have such a hard time looking and going through the stuff that I'm not sure I'll be able to do it.

I'll have to wait on that, maybe in time I'll be able to tackle that project. Maybe.

For now it's cookies! Today's plan is sugar cookies... homemade pizza pockets... and tea biscuits! WOOT! Happy baking everyone!

Tis the season...

The holiday season is always worst without the ones you love. Especially when you know that you'll never get them back. I wake up each morning lately in a bit of a panic about whether the baby's moving and ok. I know I can't do anything about it if the baby wasn't but I can't help but worry. I lay in bed and wait and then I feel a kick and I'm ok for a while longer, to either go back to sleep or get up and start the day.

I'm sad every day lately, I perk up in the afternoon, but underneath my happy exterior I could easily cry if someone says the wrong thing.

The holidays suck for those who have lost.... Hugs to all who are in the same boat.

Monday

Why is it when you actually want to do something specific on the internet, especially government sites, they always seem to be down.

My husband has been told all we need to do is reapply for EI and they will re-start his old claim and put through the new one so it's there when the old one runs out. Which is AWESOME, but means I need to get onto the actual site to apply and it's been down all morning, GAH! I'm not too worried, it'll get done sometime today or tomorrow.

Had a fairly decent weekend. Was feeling off on Friday and my husband was feeling off on Saturday. It's normal, this holiday thing with kids and people and stuff sucks. I have no money, don't really want to see too many people and no kid. Honestly most days I'm ok, but yesterday was 10mths since Cole passed, which is why we feel off sometime during the weekend. I find every month around the 17th to the 24th I feel off. I just don't really want to do anything, and if I do end up wanting to do stuff I want to be really busy.

Friday night I had a good time seeing friends that I haven't seen regularly in a while. If it wouldn't have been as low key as it was I don't know if I would have went. It has nothing to do with the people or anything I just barely got myself out of bed on Friday. I was really not in the mood to go out and be around a large crowd so being it was at a friends house and just a few of us worked out really good.

I need to get a whole bunch of crap done for this week and next. Hopefully it'll all get done in time :)