So I've started knitting... well mostly... I've managed to get a few rows of white done on a black and white striped scarf. I think I'll finish that before I do anything else just to make sure I have the hang of the knit and pearl thing and how to start and stop. But I have realized that unless something seems to pose a bit of a challenge that I am always reluctant to do it. So I've kinda decided to make a sweater. At least I think I've decided. But that main issue is money (as usual) but my husband thinks he'll be able to get me some stuff, I think he thinks it'll keep me busy enough so I'm not bored at home all the time.
So I've been looking at patterns on Ravelry www.ravelry.com, which TOTALLY rocks as a site. I have been looking at a bunch of sweater patterns, being I'm reluctant to do anything baby related and although I'd like to try a blanket my husband thinks I should wait for that as well. So women and dog sweater patterns are what I've been looking at. Now the thing is that I only seem to like the more difficult patters or the ones that will take quite a bit of yarn. It's kind of an "of course you will" moment. Where no matter what I look at I keep getting drawn into the most difficult stuff. Of course I can't just do a simple pattern that doesn't take much work. Of course I can't keep it easy for my first time doing something big. OF COURSE LOL!
So I'll keep looking and printing off patterns and I'll either let you know if I manage to do any of them, or if I throw in the towel and get someone to pick me an easier pattern. We will have to just wait and see.
So good luck on all you yarn crafts, and I'll keep you posted on mine!
Jan 7, 2011
25 Weeks... hanging in there.
Been keeping myself pretty busy this week! Polar Bear is off working with some people in Barrie so I'm home again, by myself, with my dog and room mate (who works afternoons, so I might as well be home alone).
I've had a mostly good week. I'm slowly getting nervous as the weeks get closer and closer to 29. I know this is normal for any subsequent pregnancy, especially after a loss, but it's crazy. You think you can handle something and you are doing okay, and then one day, out of nowhere you can't. Spent yesterday with a friend and her daughter and I was official 25 weeks yesterday. It was a good day, I was feeling good... but it always goes a little awry when you have an inquisitive 8 1/2 year old who keeps saying things like "I hope this baby doesn't die" and "If you ate more oranges would your other baby had been more healthy" and a million other thing that pop into kids heads. I don't mind her asking, I really don't! I'm a strong believer that if you don't talk about it, and you don't explain things to kids it makes it worst. But sometimes kids have no tact... heck most of the time they have no tact, and that's what's great about kids, but seriously. I'm already a pile of nerves, even though I hate to admit it, and to have a kid reminding you that things can go so wrong without any notice is painful at times. I think part of the issue is that we have to lie to kids to a certain extent, we have to tell them that this baby will definitely be healthy. And there really is no way to guarantee this.
I think this is my issue today. I feel like I keep reassuring others that what happened with Cole was a fluke and a rare coincidence and that this time everything will be great. Aren't I the one that others are supposed to be reassuring?? Yes the doctor said everything's looking good, we are keeping an eye on things, and I have another ultrasound next week, but seriously there is really not a lot that we can know for sure. Things like what happened, happen so quickly and without warning, they are things that even the most attentive doctors wouldn't be able to catch. I know this sounds very negative but it's the truth... WE DON"T KNOW! We won't know if everything's going to be great until the baby is born, and health, and safe and at home!
I'm wondering if I'm holding back in someways from what I should be doing with this pregnancy. My dad asked me if we are doing all the things you are supposed to do during a pregnancy, like talk to the belly and play music for it and other such things. Yes we are doing that to some extent but we are also so nervous about getting our hopes up that I think we are holding back in a lot of ways. But everything I read said that those things aren't the end of the world, they are only some ways to bond and that most of the bonding takes place after the baby is home. So I think I'm doing okay... I'm sure I could do better, but I'll keep doing what I can within reason.
I went to knit night tonight and it was great. But I was at a loss for what I wanted to make. I couldn't decide on making more toy like things or if I wanted to try something bigger. I ended up deciding on trying to do a scarf... which in someways seems pretty boring but we'll see if I manage to finish it. I talked to my husband when I had gotten home about the fact that I'm not really sure what to make. Part of me would like to make a blanket or a bunch of dolls for a mobile or baby things, and I wonder if I should. I know if I tried to make something in some ways it would be really hard, and part of me would worry that it won't actually be usable... if something should happen... and so I won't. If we lost the baby having something that I was going to make for them, or working on, would be that much more difficult, but I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something more.
Heck maybe I should have called this blog the Supposed and Not Doing issue. There are so many things I think I'm supposed to be doing in prep for this little girl, and I'm not doing any of them. I know we can get anything we need when the baby is coming home so I'm not worried about that, I'm just feeling like I'm missing something or letting people down. I know my friends would say I'm being silly but hormones and depression do weird things to people. Part of my issue is the sheer number of pregnant people I know... of course I can't be the only one pregnant... of course I have to have 2 friends who are pregnant (one close to me and one a few months after) and of course I have 2 cousins pregnant as well (one on each side of the family) so I see all the things they're doing, all the excitement, and the lack of fear and worry and anxiety, and am sad and angry and frustrated that that couldn't be me. I would never wish anything negative to them nor would I ever give up having Cole, I just feel like I'm left out. It's like being at a party and no matter how hard you try you just can't seem to be able to join in the fun. I'm at the party, I'm there with my friend and people I love and I still feel like I'm standing outside. I know this isn't true, that everyone is trying to join in but it's me who's resistant, but I can't help it. I don't think I'll ever be able to join in on the happy pregnant woman party, but it still makes me sad... it still makes me wish that sometimes I could have the naive pregnancy where I think everything is going to be great. Where nothing bad ever happens to babies. Where you don't have to worry if you are actually going to be able to bring your baby home alive and not in an urn....
Okay, I'll stop for now.... before I fall to complete pieces.
I'll end this with the lie I keep telling myself... NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN!!! Just keep swimming.... this little girl will be happy and healthy and safe and strong.... happy and healthy and safe and strong............
I've had a mostly good week. I'm slowly getting nervous as the weeks get closer and closer to 29. I know this is normal for any subsequent pregnancy, especially after a loss, but it's crazy. You think you can handle something and you are doing okay, and then one day, out of nowhere you can't. Spent yesterday with a friend and her daughter and I was official 25 weeks yesterday. It was a good day, I was feeling good... but it always goes a little awry when you have an inquisitive 8 1/2 year old who keeps saying things like "I hope this baby doesn't die" and "If you ate more oranges would your other baby had been more healthy" and a million other thing that pop into kids heads. I don't mind her asking, I really don't! I'm a strong believer that if you don't talk about it, and you don't explain things to kids it makes it worst. But sometimes kids have no tact... heck most of the time they have no tact, and that's what's great about kids, but seriously. I'm already a pile of nerves, even though I hate to admit it, and to have a kid reminding you that things can go so wrong without any notice is painful at times. I think part of the issue is that we have to lie to kids to a certain extent, we have to tell them that this baby will definitely be healthy. And there really is no way to guarantee this.
I think this is my issue today. I feel like I keep reassuring others that what happened with Cole was a fluke and a rare coincidence and that this time everything will be great. Aren't I the one that others are supposed to be reassuring?? Yes the doctor said everything's looking good, we are keeping an eye on things, and I have another ultrasound next week, but seriously there is really not a lot that we can know for sure. Things like what happened, happen so quickly and without warning, they are things that even the most attentive doctors wouldn't be able to catch. I know this sounds very negative but it's the truth... WE DON"T KNOW! We won't know if everything's going to be great until the baby is born, and health, and safe and at home!
I'm wondering if I'm holding back in someways from what I should be doing with this pregnancy. My dad asked me if we are doing all the things you are supposed to do during a pregnancy, like talk to the belly and play music for it and other such things. Yes we are doing that to some extent but we are also so nervous about getting our hopes up that I think we are holding back in a lot of ways. But everything I read said that those things aren't the end of the world, they are only some ways to bond and that most of the bonding takes place after the baby is home. So I think I'm doing okay... I'm sure I could do better, but I'll keep doing what I can within reason.
I went to knit night tonight and it was great. But I was at a loss for what I wanted to make. I couldn't decide on making more toy like things or if I wanted to try something bigger. I ended up deciding on trying to do a scarf... which in someways seems pretty boring but we'll see if I manage to finish it. I talked to my husband when I had gotten home about the fact that I'm not really sure what to make. Part of me would like to make a blanket or a bunch of dolls for a mobile or baby things, and I wonder if I should. I know if I tried to make something in some ways it would be really hard, and part of me would worry that it won't actually be usable... if something should happen... and so I won't. If we lost the baby having something that I was going to make for them, or working on, would be that much more difficult, but I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something more.
Heck maybe I should have called this blog the Supposed and Not Doing issue. There are so many things I think I'm supposed to be doing in prep for this little girl, and I'm not doing any of them. I know we can get anything we need when the baby is coming home so I'm not worried about that, I'm just feeling like I'm missing something or letting people down. I know my friends would say I'm being silly but hormones and depression do weird things to people. Part of my issue is the sheer number of pregnant people I know... of course I can't be the only one pregnant... of course I have to have 2 friends who are pregnant (one close to me and one a few months after) and of course I have 2 cousins pregnant as well (one on each side of the family) so I see all the things they're doing, all the excitement, and the lack of fear and worry and anxiety, and am sad and angry and frustrated that that couldn't be me. I would never wish anything negative to them nor would I ever give up having Cole, I just feel like I'm left out. It's like being at a party and no matter how hard you try you just can't seem to be able to join in the fun. I'm at the party, I'm there with my friend and people I love and I still feel like I'm standing outside. I know this isn't true, that everyone is trying to join in but it's me who's resistant, but I can't help it. I don't think I'll ever be able to join in on the happy pregnant woman party, but it still makes me sad... it still makes me wish that sometimes I could have the naive pregnancy where I think everything is going to be great. Where nothing bad ever happens to babies. Where you don't have to worry if you are actually going to be able to bring your baby home alive and not in an urn....
Okay, I'll stop for now.... before I fall to complete pieces.
I'll end this with the lie I keep telling myself... NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN!!! Just keep swimming.... this little girl will be happy and healthy and safe and strong.... happy and healthy and safe and strong............
Jan 3, 2011
A New Year
Welcome 2011! Good riddance 2010!
So some people are reflecting on the year past, and I am a little unwilling. This was not a good year to say the least! It was a year filled with joy and sorrow, pain and many tears. It was a year of pretending your fine even when you're not, being fine even when you feel you shouldn't and trying to be happy even when you're still in pain. I know the pain of this past year will never truly leave me. It will always be around. But hopefully at some point I will be able to look back on 2010 as the year that changed me, for even though we truly try not to change, and we say we are the same person, in all honesty we are not. We are a different person, and the pain/ sorrow/ grief/ etc will always change us, we can never fully go back to who we were and that is not a bad thing. Hopefully this growth will never injure us or cause us to loose our friend, but any true friend will understand these changes and accept that we will always be the person we were but with the addition of the person we are now.
For 2011 I have great hopes. I hope that this year will be a year of joy to counter the year of sorrow. I hope that this year will help us find stability in our jobs, our homes and our lives. I hope to share 2011 with those I love, friend and family, and those who have yet to arrive.
I will not create resolutions... I do not know what to expect for the year to come so I will not decide on anything in that capacity. Instead I will send a wish out... I wish that all those I care about will find love and happiness in whatever means that most suits them, I wish that this pregnancy will end successfully with my beautiful little girl being healthy, and both of us being able to come home and enjoy eachother's company, I wish that my love will find his new career to his liking and enjoy happiness with his family, his wife, his daughter yet to come and his dog (can't forget the dog :) ), I wish for happiness in all our endeavors yet thought of!
May your year be beautiful, happy, healthy, safe and fun, and may you all find Love and Happiness in your lives in whatever means most suits you!
So some people are reflecting on the year past, and I am a little unwilling. This was not a good year to say the least! It was a year filled with joy and sorrow, pain and many tears. It was a year of pretending your fine even when you're not, being fine even when you feel you shouldn't and trying to be happy even when you're still in pain. I know the pain of this past year will never truly leave me. It will always be around. But hopefully at some point I will be able to look back on 2010 as the year that changed me, for even though we truly try not to change, and we say we are the same person, in all honesty we are not. We are a different person, and the pain/ sorrow/ grief/ etc will always change us, we can never fully go back to who we were and that is not a bad thing. Hopefully this growth will never injure us or cause us to loose our friend, but any true friend will understand these changes and accept that we will always be the person we were but with the addition of the person we are now.
For 2011 I have great hopes. I hope that this year will be a year of joy to counter the year of sorrow. I hope that this year will help us find stability in our jobs, our homes and our lives. I hope to share 2011 with those I love, friend and family, and those who have yet to arrive.
I will not create resolutions... I do not know what to expect for the year to come so I will not decide on anything in that capacity. Instead I will send a wish out... I wish that all those I care about will find love and happiness in whatever means that most suits them, I wish that this pregnancy will end successfully with my beautiful little girl being healthy, and both of us being able to come home and enjoy eachother's company, I wish that my love will find his new career to his liking and enjoy happiness with his family, his wife, his daughter yet to come and his dog (can't forget the dog :) ), I wish for happiness in all our endeavors yet thought of!
May your year be beautiful, happy, healthy, safe and fun, and may you all find Love and Happiness in your lives in whatever means most suits you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)