Been keeping myself pretty busy this week! Polar Bear is off working with some people in Barrie so I'm home again, by myself, with my dog and room mate (who works afternoons, so I might as well be home alone).
I've had a mostly good week. I'm slowly getting nervous as the weeks get closer and closer to 29. I know this is normal for any subsequent pregnancy, especially after a loss, but it's crazy. You think you can handle something and you are doing okay, and then one day, out of nowhere you can't. Spent yesterday with a friend and her daughter and I was official 25 weeks yesterday. It was a good day, I was feeling good... but it always goes a little awry when you have an inquisitive 8 1/2 year old who keeps saying things like "I hope this baby doesn't die" and "If you ate more oranges would your other baby had been more healthy" and a million other thing that pop into kids heads. I don't mind her asking, I really don't! I'm a strong believer that if you don't talk about it, and you don't explain things to kids it makes it worst. But sometimes kids have no tact... heck most of the time they have no tact, and that's what's great about kids, but seriously. I'm already a pile of nerves, even though I hate to admit it, and to have a kid reminding you that things can go so wrong without any notice is painful at times. I think part of the issue is that we have to lie to kids to a certain extent, we have to tell them that this baby will definitely be healthy. And there really is no way to guarantee this.
I think this is my issue today. I feel like I keep reassuring others that what happened with Cole was a fluke and a rare coincidence and that this time everything will be great. Aren't I the one that others are supposed to be reassuring?? Yes the doctor said everything's looking good, we are keeping an eye on things, and I have another ultrasound next week, but seriously there is really not a lot that we can know for sure. Things like what happened, happen so quickly and without warning, they are things that even the most attentive doctors wouldn't be able to catch. I know this sounds very negative but it's the truth... WE DON"T KNOW! We won't know if everything's going to be great until the baby is born, and health, and safe and at home!
I'm wondering if I'm holding back in someways from what I should be doing with this pregnancy. My dad asked me if we are doing all the things you are supposed to do during a pregnancy, like talk to the belly and play music for it and other such things. Yes we are doing that to some extent but we are also so nervous about getting our hopes up that I think we are holding back in a lot of ways. But everything I read said that those things aren't the end of the world, they are only some ways to bond and that most of the bonding takes place after the baby is home. So I think I'm doing okay... I'm sure I could do better, but I'll keep doing what I can within reason.
I went to knit night tonight and it was great. But I was at a loss for what I wanted to make. I couldn't decide on making more toy like things or if I wanted to try something bigger. I ended up deciding on trying to do a scarf... which in someways seems pretty boring but we'll see if I manage to finish it. I talked to my husband when I had gotten home about the fact that I'm not really sure what to make. Part of me would like to make a blanket or a bunch of dolls for a mobile or baby things, and I wonder if I should. I know if I tried to make something in some ways it would be really hard, and part of me would worry that it won't actually be usable... if something should happen... and so I won't. If we lost the baby having something that I was going to make for them, or working on, would be that much more difficult, but I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something more.
Heck maybe I should have called this blog the Supposed and Not Doing issue. There are so many things I think I'm supposed to be doing in prep for this little girl, and I'm not doing any of them. I know we can get anything we need when the baby is coming home so I'm not worried about that, I'm just feeling like I'm missing something or letting people down. I know my friends would say I'm being silly but hormones and depression do weird things to people. Part of my issue is the sheer number of pregnant people I know... of course I can't be the only one pregnant... of course I have to have 2 friends who are pregnant (one close to me and one a few months after) and of course I have 2 cousins pregnant as well (one on each side of the family) so I see all the things they're doing, all the excitement, and the lack of fear and worry and anxiety, and am sad and angry and frustrated that that couldn't be me. I would never wish anything negative to them nor would I ever give up having Cole, I just feel like I'm left out. It's like being at a party and no matter how hard you try you just can't seem to be able to join in the fun. I'm at the party, I'm there with my friend and people I love and I still feel like I'm standing outside. I know this isn't true, that everyone is trying to join in but it's me who's resistant, but I can't help it. I don't think I'll ever be able to join in on the happy pregnant woman party, but it still makes me sad... it still makes me wish that sometimes I could have the naive pregnancy where I think everything is going to be great. Where nothing bad ever happens to babies. Where you don't have to worry if you are actually going to be able to bring your baby home alive and not in an urn....
Okay, I'll stop for now.... before I fall to complete pieces.
I'll end this with the lie I keep telling myself... NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN!!! Just keep swimming.... this little girl will be happy and healthy and safe and strong.... happy and healthy and safe and strong............
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