As Darkness Falls

As most I start my day not wanting to get out of bed, being I have little at the moment to get out of bed for. I lay there for up to an hour debating, pondering and contemplating life, and whether I'm making a bigger deal of things than I should. But I don't think I am...

I sit and stare at the little castle that has Cole's remains and think of how different life would have been If... Yes I know I shouldn't use the "what if" statement being that there's nothing that could or will change everything that has happened in the past year. But I still sit there and stare and think. I haven't had enough will power since we received the photos of him to do anything with them. They sit in a container with his blanket and other things that were with him in the hospital. I may never put more than his little castle on that shelf, but I keep thinking I should. I should decorate it, I should add the few pictures I love of him, I should add the toy or the blanket or something. I think this every morning before I move and still don't do anything about it. I lay there in the sunlight as it turns from dawn to day and still I contemplate.

As I do this it always brings me back to my current pregnancy. The little one growing daily in my belly. I try to convince myself that everything that happened was a fluke, or necessary, or something. I try to convince myself that it will never happen again. That I will have no issues. That this little one will grow strong and big and be perfectly healthy. I have a hard time believing that some mornings. But I can't dwell on the Could haves, Should haves, or May yet be's. I shake myself out of my daily reverie and force myself to put on a good face for the day.

The sun is bright and warm, and my days seem to be this most of the time. Most days after morning I am fine, I can be happy, I can be strong.

But night comes... darkness falls. And with the dropping of the temperature, and the dropping of the sun, my mood can fall with it. I go to bed praying, hoping, wishing that this pregnancy will not be like the last. That everything WILL be fine, will be good! That this baby will be happy, HEALTHY and strong, and that I will be strong enough to endure the next few months and all that will and can happen. That I will be strong enough to handle being in the NICU should this baby be pre-term... That I will be strong.

Don't give up... stay strong... When dawn comes and darkness falls.