Life Changes

So it's been a few years since I've posted on this site.

I tend to reserve this for big hard life changes, and lately that seems to be all my life is.

I now have two beautiful little girls. My mother lives with me. I have my dog and my mom's dog in the house.

My husband and I bought our house last year. But the past year has been rough.
Well maybe rough is an understatement.

Not all of the past year has been bad, but that's what gets the focus when you are going through the issues we have.

Since June it got worst.

I thought of leaving, I told him I was unhappy and then I did leave (for one night). But with 2 kids in the mix we talked about working it out. And in doing so decided to try opening the relationship... big mistake. I'm not saying it's not a good thing. Those that can do it, more power to them, but it didn't help us. It made it worst.

Through that time my husband went on suicide watch... was in the hospital twice... was put on a variety of meds that did not work and made him slightly crazy. And being we were no where near friends I took the brunt of it.

The last time he went in I decided that I couldn't live as we were anymore and told him we were separating. Now comes the hard part. The part of sticking to it.

You see, it's not easy when you still love the person, to leave. Even if you know it's better for your health, happiness and the happiness of those in your family, it's still not easy.

When you make that decision you keep questioning it... and I question it every day. I stick to my decision because I need a path. But moving from the house we bought last year to go back to the town where my support is sometimes feels like failing and giving up. I go through days and moments of days where I think I should call him to come back and think that this would be a good idea. I know it's not, I know I would be drained and our cycles would start again. I know he and I both need a lot of work before we could ever go back to being anything. And when I see him in person so he can spend time with the kids I remember the pain and sorrow... the depression and anxiety... the stresses and fears of living in the environment... I try and harden my resolve even when I want to say "it's all right, we'll work this out". I look at pictures pre kids. Pre Loss of Cole... pre two very stressful scary pregnancies... pre money worries... pre having my mother and other people in our spaces all the time... pre two demanding little ones (3.5 and 1 years old) and no time for ourselves... and think "heck we could have that again... that was good". But I then wake myself up and say no that was almost 4 years ago... we have been battling for everything since our wedding... since kids... and our depressions got the better of us.

I have been dealing for years with the loss of our son. I have been working through the changes with our girls, the post partum's, the everything... 'cause life changes a lot. Things you plan and expect often don't work out. You loose sight of you, you loose sight of your hopes and dreams.

You fall into the trap of doing what's needed for day to day. Of trying to keep everyone happy. Of being supportive and letting yourself fall into the background. You say that there are things you want, like, love... you tell your partners that there are things that are important to you... but people are selfish and self centred. People are about what they want and will often tell you that they are doing it for you. They may believe that to the bottom of their toes but it doesn't mean that you feel it.

Instead you feel like you are in a box. Cut off from people and life... being given advice left, right and center about what you need to do with your life.

You are told that you are running away by one... told that you are strong by another... you aren't sure if you are going up or down. But you need to keep going. Head to the grind, walking forward because you can't walk back and it hurts your heart, you can't look forward too far because you don't know what's ahead at all and the path is over a hill... you can't see what's beyond that hill all you know is you need to get over the path.

Separation SUCKS. No one goes into a relationship expecting it to end. People sling terms like abuse, rape, assault around easily... like there is no hurt in relationships... like everyone has always been in perfect low conflict relationships where the worst that has happened is maybe a heated argument. But when a relationship breaks down abuse is almost always present. People give into things to stop the argument or reduce conflict, people get aggressive or self righteous, people want to be heard no matter what or don't want to be heard at all. Personal space becomes an issue and arguments go bad, especially if one person isn't capable of regulating themselves at the moment.

So now I'm finding apartments, planning on moving, going to job interviews, talking about things and seeking assistance from places that I never planned on ever needing and never wanting to admit I'd ever need. I'm still trying as hard as I can to be civil where people tell me not too, I'm still willing to give in to things where people tell me to be a bitch, because people forget that we all fall down, and although our lives are changing drastically, there is no reason to sling shit around to the point where we are all covered. Instead you try and accept the changes and go with the flow. You try and make the best of it for your kids, your life and your family. You acknowledge that what ever issues were between you, the other person will ALWAYS be in your life for those two little girls so focus on what they need and maybe in time you two can at least be in the same room for their graduation dinner without glaring or feeling the need to put on a show.

I know in time I will see over that mountain but at the moment all I see is the storm I'm walking in, feeling the burn on my legs trying to carry everything uphill and feeling hallow from the whole experience.

I have friends and people who love me... but it's hard to accept and understand what love is at times. Love is not this fairy tale that people and movies tell you about... it's not always good. Sometimes love is ugly and painful. Sometimes love is saying goodbye for yourself even if you know something in you may die. Sometimes love is dirty and hard. Sometimes love is not being. Not being in the box where you believed you would be and tried to make yourself into... instead sometimes love is alone, cold and dark, learning to hear only your breath. Sometimes love is being the one to make the hard painful decision for the better of your world. Sometimes love hurts a lot.

Changing your life sucks, ripping the band aid off hurts... but scars heal, hearts mend, and life continues.

Angie