Been Busy!

Well I haven't been on this site that often lately. So those of you who don't know I've started a new site... WOOT. This one's about art! And everything Art related. It has stuff on history and activities. Hopefully I will actually have people come to it :)

Artsy You

^ This is my site! Check it out... Favorite it... Share it with your friends, family and countrymen! LOL!

I will still be posting on this site, but it will remain strictly personal stuff I'm going through. The other site is more for a general populous.

So here's hoping that something may actually come of it. I know it will take time, but I'm impatient. I am enjoying it however. So that's a good thing. It gives me an outlet and an excuse to do art (which I haven't been doing that much in the past few years). I think some part of me gave up on art being it's emotional and I've been not truely wanting to deal with it. But I figure I have to start facing and acknowledging my issues and see what comes of it.

I've been having a rough few days. I think it's mostly the usual stuff but I'm not sure. A friend had their first baby on the weekend and it's hit me hard... which is weird. I've been cranky and irritable the past few days. I've been jealous that they get to bring their little one home so quickly. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that everything went so well, but part of me is still cranky that I never got to have the happy pregnancy. I never got to bring my first child home... I never got to do the stuff that seems normal to everyone else. Even with my daughter I was a ball of anxiety the first few weeks. Being in the hospital was hell, I had anxiety attacks just leaving for dinner. I kept waiting for a phone call saying something negative... She's home, safe, happy, healthy and great! I am grateful that I have her every day... but I still can't seem to shake this anxiety and sorrow that keeps hanging over me in the quiet moments. It's always in the background... I miss my little boy. I'm also having issues with the coming to terms that I may never have another. That with all the issues I don't know if we want to risk having another or dealing with me being sick during the pregnancy. Part of me wants to keep trying till I get my boy... and I know that another baby will never fix the hurt of my heart. And I know there's no guarantee that I'll have a boy... but it's one of those things deep inside that nag at you. That say... maybe if you have another that will fix it!

It won't! Nothing will fix it! There's no way that another will fix it... but trying to deal with the loss (that seems to have hit me like a ton of bricks again) and the possibility of never having another. It's like all those dreams and things you KNEW you would have when you were a kid are Never coming true. I will never have a happy pregnancy without worry, I will never have a pregnancy without some stress due to the fact that it's pretty certain I'll have Colistasis again... But I can't harp on this. I have a beautiful, healthy little girl... I am and have to keep focusing on that fact. Be grateful for what I have. For the time I had with Cole. For the time I now have with her.