An Ultrasound

So it has come to that time again. 20 weeks Wednesday, and tomorrow we get to do the full ultrasound. Woot! I am excited and scared all at the same time, which in my head doesn't make sense but in my body is totally true. Going into the week I found out sad news about a friend having a miscarriage. I feel for her loss, and hope the best for her, whatever that may be.

I have become jaded.
I have become negative in the "joys of pregnancy".

I know I probably have a right to, but it's unfair to be feeling this way. I should be excited. I should be wanting to look at baby names, and baby stuff and everything. Instead I pray each night to the gods in general for a Happy, Healthy, Safe, Strong, Secure baby and pregnancy. I ask to be able to take this baby home, to be able to hold it after labour, to be able to watch it grow up! These are all things with my last pregnancy I never specified. I am being specific! Maybe that's all I need to do but I doubt it. It always seems that once I get the mechanism running something always breaks down... or maybe that's just my negativity.

I still haven't told the general populous... as in Facebook friends and other friends. If I haven't seen them in person I haven't told them (unless they are part of my closer group or family, where my parents may have told people). I know it might be weird to not want to share but it's so nerve racking to have too. Besides I dread havening to tell people of a loss... I know I should be positive, and shouldn't think that way, but I can't help it! I'm 20 weeks Wednesday... I just want this pregnancy to go amazingly! I want to last till full term. Cole was born at 29and a half weeks... so I need to last 36... that's my goal... that's safe. It's funny to think that 29 weeks is only 9 weeks away, a little over 2 months.... we want to be pregnant for 4 and I mean it FOUR more months... then we'll be to term. I hope!

No matter what is going on around me. No matter what drama is the current issue that's being faced by friends or family members. I just have a hard time caring. I try to care, I try to listen, and I try to sympathize, but it's really hard some days... Some days I need to scream to the world, "That's great but I would take that issue in a heart beat!" or "I'm having a really rough time here, can you worry about ME for a second!?!". An ultrasound should be happy... it should be an exciting time... and a little part of me is excited, and trying really hard to be excited. But I've now known so many who have gone to that ultrasound and got bad news that I'm scared. I'd say I'm a little scared, but I'm not... I'm a lot scared.

I will let you know how tomorrow goes... here's hoping for the best. Polar Bear and I are having a bet on whether it's a girl or a boy, and we are going to find out tomorrow (hopefully)... I'll let you know if I'm getting breakfast in bed! LOL :)