So the Christmas insanity is mostly done. Back to the grind (ish) and back to figuring out how to stay sane over the next few months.
Wednesday we will be officially 24 weeks... which will start the 6th month... exactly 5 weeks and 6 days before we went into labour with Cole. Does this totally freak us out... well DUH! It can't help but freak us out. We are scared and paranoid and nervous and worried... I'm not sure how I will handle it if we have another loss. Heck even if this baby is healthy, but if pre-me and we have to stay in the NICU, I'm not sure I'll be able to take it well.
I know I try to stay positive, but it's really hard. So far baby's doing well. She's kicking up a storm and I'm starting to feel like I'm exploding... and we still have almost 4 months to go. The sneeze-peeing is driving me batty, but that's a small price to deal with for a healthy baby.
Our first Christmas without Cole was better than expected. It helped that we weren't around other kids at all, so I didn't have to deal with that overwhelming feeling of loss and missing out on something. I still feel jiped in some ways about being so jaded over being pregnant. Both my husband and I feel that way. But there's not much we can do about it, especially being we are so against buying stuff and preparing so much for this baby. I just couldn't handle haven'ing to pack up all the baby stuff again if something happened. Heck I don't know if I will be able to deal at all... we'll just hope and pray that everything goes WONDERFULLY! That baby is as close to full term as is healthy for her, and that she will be happy, and healthy, and safe... and be able to come home the way we hope and not the way we fear.
I'm a little sad at times, as is to be expected. And I feel like I'm letting Cole down for not being sad enough... I feel like I'm supposed to be like these women on the sites I'm on who are emotional basket cases years after the loss of their little ones. I'm worried that I'm not dealing with the grief... but maybe I'm dealing with it better than they are... who knows. But I can't understand some people. Some of these women put up a stocking for their lost baby with their living kids stockings... some even buy presents from the dead baby to give to the living kids... some people kinda freak me out on the whole thing. I will probably do something at the anniversary of Cole's loss and on his birthday. Even if it's just me sitting at home being sad. I'm not sure... I'm debating if I should do something, but when you ask these ladies some of them even have birthday parties for the baby (with a cake and all). I don't think that's healthy. I don't think that's healing. I think that it makes them hang onto the loss and doesn't allow them to grow. To heal. I hope I'm not being insensitive. Maybe I am. Maybe I should feel that way, but I can't... I can't dwell... in my head that's giving up. Just like I couldn't hide in my room and weep for weeks after we got home, just like I couldn't stop and just give up... the most giving up I did was not to go back to work. I tried for 2 months then got pregnant, at that point my contract through the agency I was working ended so I just didn't bother trying really hard to find something. Now I didn't stop looking, but to be honest I wasn't as gungho to look and try and get a job as I would have been if I hadn't been going through what I was going through, and hadn't just found out I was pregnant and having insane morning sickness.
I'm scared about everything for this baby. Everything to come, and I have a really hard time believing some days that this baby will actually come home alive. Most days I think everything will be fine, she will be born healthy and everything will be great... or as great as they can be. But somedays I panic that it will just be another heart ache... and I know if this pregnancy doesn't succeed then we won't be trying again. I know this for sure. I know that both my husband and I couldn't deal with the stress of trying a third time and I'd be worried our relationship couldn't deal with that pain again. I know we'd probably try for adoption or something of the sort, but not to be pregnant again.
So, I'll stop this long winded depressing blog and ask for all the hope and prayers from whatever Gods you may believe in... and I'll try to be positive and hopeful... She will be happy and healthy and safe and strong and come home so I can watch her grow up and be part of her life..... That's the mantra at the moment....
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