Been Busy!

Well I haven't been on this site that often lately. So those of you who don't know I've started a new site... WOOT. This one's about art! And everything Art related. It has stuff on history and activities. Hopefully I will actually have people come to it :)

Artsy You

^ This is my site! Check it out... Favorite it... Share it with your friends, family and countrymen! LOL!

I will still be posting on this site, but it will remain strictly personal stuff I'm going through. The other site is more for a general populous.

So here's hoping that something may actually come of it. I know it will take time, but I'm impatient. I am enjoying it however. So that's a good thing. It gives me an outlet and an excuse to do art (which I haven't been doing that much in the past few years). I think some part of me gave up on art being it's emotional and I've been not truely wanting to deal with it. But I figure I have to start facing and acknowledging my issues and see what comes of it.

I've been having a rough few days. I think it's mostly the usual stuff but I'm not sure. A friend had their first baby on the weekend and it's hit me hard... which is weird. I've been cranky and irritable the past few days. I've been jealous that they get to bring their little one home so quickly. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that everything went so well, but part of me is still cranky that I never got to have the happy pregnancy. I never got to bring my first child home... I never got to do the stuff that seems normal to everyone else. Even with my daughter I was a ball of anxiety the first few weeks. Being in the hospital was hell, I had anxiety attacks just leaving for dinner. I kept waiting for a phone call saying something negative... She's home, safe, happy, healthy and great! I am grateful that I have her every day... but I still can't seem to shake this anxiety and sorrow that keeps hanging over me in the quiet moments. It's always in the background... I miss my little boy. I'm also having issues with the coming to terms that I may never have another. That with all the issues I don't know if we want to risk having another or dealing with me being sick during the pregnancy. Part of me wants to keep trying till I get my boy... and I know that another baby will never fix the hurt of my heart. And I know there's no guarantee that I'll have a boy... but it's one of those things deep inside that nag at you. That say... maybe if you have another that will fix it!

It won't! Nothing will fix it! There's no way that another will fix it... but trying to deal with the loss (that seems to have hit me like a ton of bricks again) and the possibility of never having another. It's like all those dreams and things you KNEW you would have when you were a kid are Never coming true. I will never have a happy pregnancy without worry, I will never have a pregnancy without some stress due to the fact that it's pretty certain I'll have Colistasis again... But I can't harp on this. I have a beautiful, healthy little girl... I am and have to keep focusing on that fact. Be grateful for what I have. For the time I had with Cole. For the time I now have with her.

Continuing to search for ME...

I'm starting to wonder if you can be depressed after seeming to be okay for a while.

I'm starting to wonder if this feeling of loss and frustration may be that there's something more than just needing a hobby, or more social interaction or anything. I'm starting to wonder if this is residue from my past two years.

I've been thinking a lot about Cole over the past two weeks. It seems when I'm sitting alone he keeps coming into my mind and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I'm sad and missing him while being happy and overjoyed with Violet. I feel like I'm bi-polar or on a roller coaster where sometimes I'll be really up and then the floor drops out from under me. I really don't know what to do about it.

I think I'm having a hard time dealing with everything... and there's nothing that should be hard to deal with. Violet's great and mostly easy to handle (knock on wood), the house REALLY isn't that bad (if I would just stay on top of it), but still I'm feeling lost.

I've discussed my issues with feeling like I've lost who I am. I'm not sure if that's something separate or all part of the same can of worms. I don't know if trying to re-visit me will help or if it is just sugar coating the real issues inside.

I'm tired of defining myself as a mom and someone who lost their son. I used to be a punk... I used to be a Martial Artist... I used to work out... I used to be a University Student... I used to be a Mathematician... I used to be an Artist... I used to be a Photographer... I used to be an Executive Assistant... I used to be a Program Coordinator for the PDD... I used to be a bank clerk... I used to be a Manager of Retail Stores... I used to go to the club on friday nights... I used to wear thigh high PVC 5inch heels and mini skirts... I used to be an avid Bif Naked fan... I used to be motivated... I used to believe I could do anything and everything... I used to have short hair and big attitude... I used to walk through the mall or at the bar and KNOW that guys were watching me... I used to have LOTS of confidence... I used to feel that my world would work out for the best no matter where I went or what I did... I used to have an undefined spirituality that I was content with... I used to make chalk portraits... I used to draw regularly... I used to......

I AM a mom of a beautiful strong little girl... I AM a mom of an angel who gave me 28days of heart ache and love... I AM the wife of a husband who I love with all my heart... I AM the wife of a MAN who I love watching work... I AM the owner of a crazy dog that I love dearly... I AM the friend of many but only close to a few... I AM the friend of those who aren't in my city but I still care deeply about them... I AM the daughter of a loving father who works hard at his job and his fun... I AM the daughter of a mom who I find is flighty at times but I love because of that... I AM the daughter of a father who would help me with ANYTHING if I ask... I AM the sister of a brother that may be part gypsy (LOL)... I AM a person who will be there if you ever need anything BUT you have to ask... I AM blunt but try to be tactful... I AM a woman but I try to be tough... I AM a non practicing Catholic who leans towards the pagan at times... I AM the first person to tell you that all religions are the same just using different words... I AM the one who will be there in a fight if you need me even if I know I'll get hurt... I AM sometimes hot headed... I AM a friend who tries to be there for her friends... I AM a stay at home mom that never thought she would be... I AM embarrassed not to be working or supporting myself even though I know I don't have to be... I AM disconnected from art and don't know how to reconnect... I AM searching for my passion and don't know how to start... I AM going to be 30 this year... I AM missing my son daily and don't know how to deal with that... I AM tired of grief and pain and sorrow and want to be happy again... I AM most happy with my daughter and husband and dog but feel like I'm in a bubble at times.........................................

I AM ME...

I AM trying to reconnect to what is important to me....
My daughter
My husband
My family
My friends
My dog
..... are understood........ but children grow, and husbands go to work. Friends have other lives and family is far away... my dog loves me unconditionally but sometimes I'm too tired to play....

I am trying to write a story but have lost the motivation... I tried to make a collage but nothing seemed to fit... I feel like the picture I used to draw, where the eye dropped a tear into the flower which collected into a river. If I find the pic I'll scan it and show you.... I need to find that river and figure out where it may lead me. It will be a while before I can follow it truely... 1st is raising my daughter and I don't want to miss her growing... but maybe the path of the river will allow me to watch her grow and be apart of that life while still allowing me to find out where I may be...

The first Day...

Today is the first day of the rest of your life....

I know we've all heard that saying before but some days it seems more true than other days. I have been trying (and still am) to figure out ways to figure out where ME and who I am come into play and are in relation to being a Mom and a Wife and a Dog owner... as well as a punky-alternative lover of fashion, music, art and all things math related (I know, that last one seems out of place). Part of me is trying to figure out what it is I want to do with the rest of my life, if I want to go back to school, what my passion is??? Some of these things I've talked about before with my last posting.

I'm debating on starting another blog. One that focuses on something... either my writing (which isn't very good... yet) or my art (which I've been totally slacking on) or my photography or my ideas on wedding planning or my life as a mom (which I feel is a little overwhelmed and there are A LOT of blogs about) or something completely different. I haven't decided what it is I'm looking for in my life and I think I'll keep this blog for that purpose, but I'm debating on starting one that's less personal in someways, less about me discussing my issues, problems, stresses, loves, losses, life... and more about something else.

I don't know if this is a market that's too saturated... that has WAY too many people involved. But I wonder if it's something I should try to break into being I am a stay at home mom and it would be nice to feel I've accomplished something in the day other than just changing my daughter's diapers.

If anyone has any suggestions please let me know. I don't promise that I will use any of them but they may help me on this path to figuring out what it is I really want.

Fighting

Well, it's been a few weeks since last I posted here. I feel that this Blog has done me good but sometimes I wonder if I'll keep it up. It got me through the heart ache and issues I was having during the pregnancy and I know I still have issues and heart aches... stresses and pains. But I'm trying really hard not to dwell on the negative all the time. I'm trying hard to keep positive, and enjoy my little girl (although that brings about a new set of stresses) and enjoy where I am and what I am.

This has been hard sometimes. I find that I have been fighting with myself... and as a result with the world around. I am mostly fighting with my self image and my definition of who I am. I'm fighting with the idea of being 30 this year and life not being quite what I expected it to be... nor me being quite where I expected to be. I am fighting with the griefs of loss, stress, image, and everything in between. I'm having issues with the fact that I've always tried to be fairly independent and am still having issues with the whole depending on my husband for everything financially. I'm having issues with my body image, my clothes, my hair, my appearance in general. I'm having issues with my time management and the fact that I feel trapped in my house in someways but am also having issues with the fact that I feel I can't truly personalize my house and my space being it's a rental and I live with a room mate. I'm having issues with living with people that aren't my family. I'm having a lot of issues and I'm having issues with having so many issues! I'm also having issues with whether or not this is a good venue to discuss my issues and if I should actually discuss things. I'm concerned about discussing personal things at times being this is a public forum. I'm concerned about hurting people's feelings when discussing friends and family and even myself. I'm also concerned whether this is worth the while. Whether anyone is benefiting from this or if it's just a load of nonsense. I don't know if anyone actually reads this, and if they do if it's worth while for me to write it.

I have never been this indecisive in my life. I've always known who and what I am. I've always been fairly confident in my life and what I did. There are few decisions I regret and even those I do regret I have chalked up to learning and have embraced them in some way. This is the first time I've ever looked in the mirror and been truely unhappy with me and no way to do to much about it.

I know having a child puts them first... and she has become my world. But I've never believed in losing yourself in the process.

I feel I've lost myself.... In the past two years... I have slowly lost who I am to myself.

After losing Cole my world fractured. I came back to Guelph with grief in my heart after having left with excitement and adventure. Our friends and family were still here but the year away meant their dynamic had changed and with my loss and subsequent pregnancy I have never truly felt blended within the group. The idea of feeling alone in a group of people never had felt truer. I've been working hard to try and feel more connected but still feel alone. I feel myself being one of those people who reflect on the good old days... no not high school... but University and our bar life. I don't want to be one of those people who's life stops but I don't know how to start it. Our year in Alberta was a lonely year, last year was hard and sad, I don't know how to make it better. It's been better with my munchkin but I still feel a sense of trudging... like I'm going through the motions but they haven't truly connected with me. I'm happy, I know I am, but at the same time I have a hard time letting myself be happy. I've always been one who works hard for what I want but I don't know what I want... so I feel like I'm floundering.

So many issues.... I know many of them are interconnected... but I don't know where to start.

Inspiration!

Page 13 and counting!!!

In some ways I feel like I'm doing really good. In others I'm feeling a lack on inspiration. I have the beginning and lead up to a story. I'm feeling less than adequate on my descriptions and depth for events. I know what I want to do, I know what I want them to feel but I've been having the issue of writing less than one page for a full event that, in my head, should feel more pronounced. I feel like I'm reading a youth novel, which is understandable being this is my first real attempt at writing and so my writing is probably at the youth novel level.

I know I won't get better if I don't actually practice and keep writing. The goal is to get it onto paper and then edit and add as needed. I'm trying to approach this like a picture or an essay for school. You need to get the draft and the basic shape of events onto paper, only after that can you go back and add/remove or alter. So I need inspiration. I need the feeling that I may actually succeed in finishing this piece of writing and that people may actually want to read it. I am tempted to put it on the internet... in written or picture format. I can't decide which would suite the story better. Maybe I should just stick with what I'm doing... but I know I'm needing some sort of praise or interest or something... gah!

I read a lot of Laurell K Hamilton, and she has a new book out as of today which I'm really looking forward to. I need to go back and read a few of the previous before I buy the new one. This is something I do with each new novel, just as a refresher I read the last 2 to 6 novels and being this is her 20th novel in the series it's usually needed to feel prepared for the new book.

While preparing for this new reading and release she's been putting out videos and blogs. This has been really interesting being it's allowed her fans to be very involved with the process as well as a glimpse at how she goes about writing a novel. The one thing I've noticed a lot is her use of the term Muse. This is her inner Muse, the thing that inspires and moves her to write. She also discusses the need to listen to the voices of her characters. I think this is where I'm lacking. I've never been good with pre-character development. Even in my Vampire, LARP and DND days (I know, sad lol) I've always taken a few games to get into the role of my character, and their attitudes. I've found that just saying what my character would be like is not enough, it takes a few LONG sessions to really know their voice. So I think this is my issue at the moment. I'm trying to write the voices of my characters, the thoughts and actions. I've figured out the narrator to an extent but I haven't got the characters quite down yet. I'm not saying they suck, they're just a little flat. 2 dimensional.

Hopefully with time and continuing the story I should manage to figure out what their voice actually is. Here's hoping!

Happy Writing!

Obsession

I have decided to admit I have a slight obsession...

It's not with knitting or crafting or drinking or writing or even doing art....

It's with watching movie previews. I don't know what it is but I love watching movie previews. If you could go back in my web browsing history you would see a STUPID amount of times I am on iTunes Movie Trailers! I think I'm on this site at least once a day checking to see if there are any new previews or new anythings added. I will watch a preview for a movie I'm interested in sometimes multiple times. I think I love the previews sometimes more than the movie... which is sad. To me the anticipation for a new movie coming out is exciting. I'm excited just for it to come to theater... even if I never plan to go and see it in the theater... I love knowing when they are supposed to come out and what the variations of different trailers show. I watch the previews for almost EVERY movie that has a trailer on this site... and if it's coming to theater it usually is on this site at some time...

This is probably my strangest obsession. I check the trailers, then check the Cineplex website to see what's out this week. I don't actually make it to most movies. Before I had a baby my husband and I would see lots of movies. We would go every week to every other week just to see anything. We love the bad movies, the blow up bad guy kill kinda movies, anything action or SciFi or Fantasy. We would go to the movies not to see the movie but to do something. I love sitting in a theater as it gets dark and the movies about to start and of course I hate missing the previews...

Because although I have watched them a million times at home, I still love previews :)

New Job

So my husband may actually have a new job starting in the next few weeks :). I am very excited about this. It's steady year round work, good pay and fairly decent hours. It means he's working afternoons but gets done a little early on Fridays and there's a lot of opportunity for over time. What's also a bonus is he's pretty much in charge of the tire shop... so it means he gets the joys of working by/for himself without the headache of doing any paperwork. He gets a great hourly pay and has every weekend off. The only downside is we may have to move to KW. Which isn't really that bad. He'll be taking care of 2 yards, one in Waterloo and one in Cambridge so Kitchener makes the most sense being it's in the middle. Now we won't be moving till this time next year but it means I can start feeling out where we would like to move. What would be awesome is to get all our debt caught up or paid off so that we can start saving for a house.... yay. It also means we will need to get another vehicle in the next few months. This is scary to add more to our debt but it's also nice because I will get the new vehicle and he gets the Versa (which I love but just isn't practical with a car seat and stuff).

What this also can mean is that I won't have to panic about working. He will be making enough money that we can be comfortable with just him working so he'll get to claim me as a dependent for the next few years. What's also nice is if we move to KW there's a lot more office jobs there, so when I do decide to go back to work I can probably find something closer to home, and being he's working afternoons, there will always be one of us home, so I won't have to pay for care! YAY! Or if I need care it should be for only afterschool... 2pm till I get done :). Which is a lot better than full time daycare.

So that's my exciting news at the moment. I'll let you know how it progresses... also, I'm still only 9pgs into the writing... I'll let you know when I'm further :)

The Rain

The rain is one of those good and bad things lately. In all honesty I've always enjoyed a good thunderstorm. The heavier the rain the more I like it. But this constant gloom that has taken Southern Ontario is driving me nuts.

I'm all up for a good gothy gloom, but it's supposed to be spring going into summer. This is the time that I want to feel up and happy and fresh. I want to feel like I'm getting motivated to become an active participant in my life again. I find that being cooped up in the house is not successful for a good start. I've been enjoying getting out of the house if only to take the dog for a walk.

I'm now on page 9 going on 10 of my story. I think I've figured out how to do the dialoguing for now. It may need some re-vamping but I want to get the story written then I'll do the editing. I may need to get someone else to do the editing, being I'm terrible at editing my own stuff. At least my story is fairly light hearted and easy going. It will hopefully be fun enough that someone may actually want to read it. lol. I am not expecting miracles in the writing of it. I know some people who write expect their stories/books/etc to actually make it to some sort of publication. I, on the other hand, am just hoping to finish it. If it ever makes it to something fancy, well then bully on me, but I won't hold my breath for that. So for now I will write the story and leave it at that. Being I am only managing a page to 3 when I write, I think this may take some time... as in I don't really know how long. By math logic if I wrote 3 pages a night it would take me apx 33 nights to make 100 pages.... but I know me. I won't manage 1 page a night let alone 3... and if I do, it won't be EVERY night.

So I'll keep writing and seeing where it leads me.

The good, The bad, The cranky

So I was totally going to talk about my barbeque... or rainy day extravaganza... that we had on the weekend. And I may still mention it in passing, but first lets talk about other things.

The Good: I have managed to get myself back into my pre-pre-pregnancy pants! I haven't fit in them in almost 2 years now (with two pregnancies and all). Out of the 3 pairs of pants I have that I'm judging I have managed the low cut ones ('cause the belly goes a little over), and now the higher cut with a little stretch. I only have one more pair to go... the higher cut with no stretch. I am hoping that by the end of summer they will be a success too... YAY!

The Bad: I hate laundry! I have realized that I despise doing laundry in it's full capacity. The problem is that with a baby laundry is an everyday thing, and being I haven't been doing it every day I have quite the pile in my basement. I have to say today was a bad laundry day... Vi went through 4 outfits today, spitting up on one after the other, until I gave up and left her with only a diaper and a bunch of blankets for warmth. I also managed to go through 2 pairs of pants and 2 shirts with the joy of being peed on and spit up on... oh the fun!

The Cranky: My DAUGHTER! When a baby needs to poop or has gas and no matter what you try doesn't settle down, the stress level gets higher and higher. Today it took me quite a few hours and I finally got her to stop crying by laying her on me and giving her her bottle till she decided that sleep was better than eating. Then DID NOT move her to burp her, just held her and rubbed her back. What this means is that when she finally slept I could NOT MOVE. If a baby falls asleep in your arms and cries every time you try and move her, you just stop trying to move her and let her sleep in you arms.

So today was a stressful day. But she is asleep now and so is her Daddy :)

This is another thing I've been dealing with... Side, Back, Belly.

Vi does not sleep on her back... if I manage to get her to sleep on her back it only lasts about 20 to 30 minutes. When I try and prop her on her side she manages to get an arm free and flail it until she moves herself on her belly. So I have given up. She now sleeps almost exclusively on her belly. I know I know... the research says back only. Well my thought is that if so many people survived in past years sleeping on their belly that I'm not going to worry. It just gets stressy when the people go on and on about SIDS and act like you are a bad person for putting your baby on their belly. Well, I've given up on trying her back. She seems happy and it's not like I sleep that soundly anymore anyway lol. She also is now strong enough to turn her head from side to side and push her upper body up with her arms. I also always have her sleeping in our room and her crib is right beside me so I can reach her without getting out of bed. I feel like I'm justifying my decision to people all the time but it's ridiculous. SIDS stands for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.... what that means is... it happens suddenly without any reason. I truly believe they are grasping at straws on the reasons it happens.  I know the whole idea of "why risk it" but if she's happy do I really have to make her unhappy by moving her all the time?

So I hope you all have a nice sleep and hopefully so will I.

3 Pages

So... 3 pages. That doesn't sound like much but it took me the better part of 2 hours to prepare and write 3 pages... that brings my page total to a whopping 8!

I have now hit a dilema... Dun Dun Dun.... (I love doing that lol).... DIALOGUE.

This issue of Dialogue when writing a story really has me stumped. I'm trying hard not to write like a two year old... "He said blah blah blah, then she said blah blah blah"... GAH! How do you write good convincing dialogue without coming off lame. And how do you make sure your characters have a different voice. And how do I write it so it flows nicely.

This has been the minds dilemma for about 24 hours. I wrote some dialogue and am stumped. I'm also stumped at creating a dialogue between people that doesn't go directly to the point. What I have written I know I'm going to need to change. Now should I leave it and keep writing, and come back to revise it later? Or should I keep tweaking it but suffer with the fact that I may not pass page 8 for a while?

I would guess that continuing to write would be the best method, and when I get more inspired about the depth of the dialogue I should then revise it. Heck I'm sure I'll easily add a page when I revise it, so that will be a whopping 9 instead... oh so close to the elusive page 10.

Now I haven't totally decided the overall length of this story. If it'll be a short story or more novel-ish (or would that be called something else? Maybe a novella??), either way it's difficult to decide. I have most of the plotting for this story, or at least the general idea. But it's my first written story and I always find I lack a bit of immagination.

Well, I'll keep you posted on the intermittent story writing. Other than that my rainy day bbq on the weekend went well. I'll post further on that tomorrow. For now it's late and my bed calls me :)

2 weeks

So it's been almost 2 weeks since I've posted and I have to tell you I'm not doing so hot on the reboot front. I've been dealing a lot with a crazy screaming girl who does not like to settle down between 2 and 6, which puts a hamper in the getting things done category. I've been feeling insanely cluttered lately, in my house, in my stuff and everywhere I go. Part of that is due to baby and dog. It seems like I am unable to sit with the baby without having my sucky dog sitting on or against me too. Add an array of bottles, cups and diaper stuff and it gets to be a lot. I have tried to clean my room MANY times, I get it looking awesome and the next day it seems to explode all over again. My living room's pretty much the same, it becomes spotless and then seems to explode (and don't even get me started with the kitchen). I am starting to get frustrated with those living in my house. It seems like men are incapable of cleaning anything without a woman edging them on. My husband has been pretty good at trying to do the dishes, and between him and the wondrous thing called a dishwasher, that's been pretty successful. But it seems everything else is off limits. I have a room mate and unless his girlfriends around cleaning is not in his vocabulary. Also it seems like other than dishes and the general look men can't seem to clean further. My bathroom is disgusting and since I haven't been able to clean it very often do you think either of them would step up? No.

I think I'm just frustrated because I thought, with the baby here, that they would step up and help out a little more. I guess I should stop assuming that something like that may happen. Instead it's just me trying to do more work on the house, as well as deal with a baby and a dog and the mess that is my house... GAH! I just wish when I clean a room that it would stay clean. All well, I'm as much to blame about the mess as the next person. I just get tired of feeling like people are tisking about the mess when they are unwilling to help do anything about it. I feel like when there is anyone but my husband here they seem to look down at the state of things without realizing the stresses I've been dealing with.

Well I am trying to not use this blog as a bitch fest for my every issue. I seem to have been failing at that. In general everything is going fairly well. I'm home alone most of the time, and am feeling a little secluded by that. Part of it is realizing that my friends are doing stuff and getting together and not inviting me. It's seeming to happen more and more lately. At least this weekend we are hoping to have a barbeque with a bunch of friend :) YAY! I have even bought summery disposable plates :) WOOT! I just hope the weather holds up, they are calling for rain ONLY on the day of the bbq... what's with that! If it rains we are going to try and still have it, it just means I will have a VERY full house, lol. Aside from the seclusion we've been doing okay, Vi is now 9lbs7oz as of last weeks :) She is not so tiny anymore. She's been sleeping longer at night, but is fussing longer about sleeping. So once I finally  manage to get her to sleep she's been sleeping an average of 6hrs YAY!!! It's just taking me at least an hour each time to get her to sleep, and she is SO NOT sleeping in the afternoon, and is  screaming 'cause she's over tired. GAH! I am still pumping, so she is still getting breast milk, I am starting to get frustrated by it, so it may not last much longer. I really don't want to be pumping through the summer, not fun, but I'll try to keep going as long as possible. Polar Bear is back to work and may have a new job in a few weeks... I'll keep you posted on that :).

On another note, I've been missing Cole a lot these days. I see Vi growing so big and so attentive, she's looking around and interested in things, and I wonder what he would have been like. I'm sad at the idea of not having a boy. I know if I got pregnant again there would be no guarantee of a boy and it would be very stressful, so part of us is not planning on another pregnancy. That makes me sad. We have kind of decided that we will enjoy what we have, but I still feel fail in some ways. But I don't want to risk the possibility of losing another baby due to complications. I'm still upset that I couldn't have a normal pregnancy! I know there are a lot of people out there that are unable to have a normal, and what is normal anyway. But I still feel like I missed something. I've missed some of the excitement and joy of having a pregnancy and a baby. I have never been able to deliver and be able to hold my baby right away, they are always whisked away from me. I don't know if I'm dealing well with this or not. I still feel unable to discuss this with people, it's like the subject gets changed or I don't like making them uncomfortable, so I just keep it to myself. Vi was able to show us just what a healthy baby looks like and just how sick Cole was. This makes me sadder than anything, that we were unable to recognize just how sick he was. ....... yeah....

Well on a happier note. Vi is doing great, she's holding her head up and looks super cute in little dresses and outfits. I'm liking putting her in stuff other than onesies but they are still the easiest. It seems like in no time she'll be boogieing on her own. We have a photo appointment on Sunday to get her some nice pictures done :) Hopefully she'll cooperate and we'll be able to send some out to family and friends.

Well sorry for such a huge post. Hope all is well with you!!!

Knitting fun

So tonight was knit and chat and I actually managed to mostly finish my second/third project. Why the slash you may say... because it's the third project I've started but the second one I've finished. The second project is a sweater-vest-thingy that I haven't picked up in a few months. I think part of me is just a little more excited to do baby things at the moment, and I know that the stuff for me can wait till later. I only have a limited time to put her into baby stuff, so I'm going to enjoy it :)

I am actually supposed to be working on my taxes, and am very much procrastinating. I have managed to do them once, and forgot something so have to go back and do them all over again. I truly find taxes are a during the day thing, once the sun goes down my math brain starts going to mush! So I will get them done tomorrow, no worries, being both the taxes I'm doing should result in some type of return it's all good :). I really hate doing taxes, I always feel like I'm going to get in trouble even though I'm doing everything right.

Well, I'm off for the night (yeah... right), have a good one

Off Track/Reboot!

So I've realized I've fallen off track... What do you mean by this, you may ask (or you may not lol). Well, I was gungho, within reason, to try a whole bunch of new ventures... Baking, Writing (a story and a blog) and such. Well, I've realized I'm a neverfinisher. I seem to start things but unless they are right in front of me I tend to forget or purposely ignore them. I've been lax on the blog writing lately and I haven't even looked at the story I was going to write for a bit. I think I need motivation. I think I've been living in a hazy lull for a while and need to shake the cobwebs out of my head and get on with things.

Now I know that a lot of this is hard with a newborn... she is only 2 months this week and so sleep is mostly non-existent. I do know that without sleep you are bound to be groggy and unmotivated, but I'm a strong believer in energy begets energy. So I need to do something to liven myself up.


So here are the issues I'm having at the moment and want to work on:

1) My body... I know everyone says this but this has to be the first time I've ever seriously said I have an issue with my body. (I know you all hate me now LOL) I'm not saying I've never had issues (mostly in the non-fixable way) as with breast size, teeth, etc.... but to say I'm not happy with the way I'm looking. This hasn't happened much to me. So what to do about it... well I'm thinking I obviously need to work out. I can't fit into most of my clothes and I don't have money to buy new ones. I know I will have to accept some of the changes that have happened due to having kids but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try and do something to make myself feel better. Due to the lack of funding at the moment I will try and work on this from home... maybe workout videos and walking... this had worked before when I was trying for the military (and that's a WHOLE NOTHER STORY lol) so I'm sure it'll work again. What this needs... a plan! If I just say I'm going to workout, well that's a lie. So it means I need to set a plan... What that plan is I will have to think about it. ATM I'm just getting the list together. lol

2) My writing... Know I've never said I was a good writer, heck a lot of my English teachers may confess that I'm a crappy writer. I have a lack of imagination most of the time and end up writing stories that have been done before. So I start them and then get frustrated or find they are too similar to other people's works, so I stop writing only pages into the story. This time I think I've found a concept that is new, or at least new-ish. I'm actually kinda excited about the possibility but am concerned about my lack of writing talent. I really don't want to be one of those crappy authors that people read due to good story but are annoyed due to lack of writing ability. I guess I'll just have to keep going and hopefully it will work out. So the plan... try and schedule time to write... even if it's only 20 minutes a day...

3) My happiness... Now this is the hardest of them all. I have been feeling in a funk for over a year now. I know that I'm allowed to and that circumstances haven't been the best so there's no reason not to be in a funk. However, I am sick of being moody and cranky and upset about everything. I'm sick of the fact that little things bother me, that I've been taking stupid things personally and that I've been generally upset under my veneer of happiness. Due to this I find myself going through the motions. I go through the motions of being happy, I go through the motions of enjoying my daughter and my family, I go through the motions of most things I've been doing. Now why have I been doing this? I think I feel like I'm a burden in someways. That I am no longer supposed to be upset, I should no longer feel like crying over silly stupid shit, that I should be better. I know with my brain that my friends, family and husband all love and care for me but sometimes I just feel left out. I feel like I'm by myself in a house full of people. I feel like I'm really not that important, that I need to make sure everyone else is happy and okay and in doing so I've left myself on the sidelines. I know that if what happened to us happened to others that they would have fallen apart. That I would be beside them for months, maybe even years, when they were having a bad day, or even if they just wanted to get out. But I just can't let myself fall. I know that my happiness needs me to acknowledge that I'm not letting go, that I'm not dealing as I should at the moment, that I haven't dealt with the past few months and instead I'm bottling everything up and pretending it's all good. I also know that it's my husband that is getting the brunt of my moods and my issues and disjointedness. So I am going to try, and it may take some time, to be actually happy. To actually enjoy myself, my house, my husband, my baby, my dog, my family and my friends. I don't really know how I'm going to do this but I may start using this Blog again as it was intended.
Which brings my to :

4) My Blog... I realize I have stopped using it as my therapy, which is what it was intended for, due to my lack of wanting to hurt anybody else. I've been worried that my moods, my thoughts, and my words may offend. That the sole purpose I was planning on writing this will make others feel bad, so I've stopped using it. I've started editing my thoughts and only putting part of the issues out there. I have realized that this may be an issue, and that this is one of the reasons I haven't been writing lately. In my need to hide everything and let everyone know I'm okay, I have forgotten to actually BE OK. I have been trying to hold others hands and reassure them that everything is great by not actually writing how things are but how I think they would want me to tell them they are. (if that makes any sense) So I am going to start using this Blog properly. It was intended to be my monologue, my inner dialogue about the joys and the difficulties of a subsequent pregnancy and child. It was intended to discuss the fact that the hurt of a loss doesn't go away in 3 months, 6 months, 1 year or even longer. But being in my head I felt that everyone would want to see the fairly tale version, the version that after you have your next baby, one that's healthy and alive, then all your hard days just go away. That everything if FINE! Well, everything is not always fine. There is no fairy tale... no magic dust. We all have good days and bad days... and we need to acknowledge both. And I have not been doing that for a while now. So I will restate my original intent :
I do not intend to use this as a medium of online journal writing, nor am I using it to write some great masterpiece. Some of my posts may come off journally but my intent is not for that. Instead I hope and intend to use this forum as a means to work through all the thought, worries and fear... as well as expectations and hopes that I have and will be experiencing in the next few months. This will be my attempt to use a productive medium in order to work through things that I may not be able to express verbally with friends and family, or even to myself. Some posts may be pain ridden, and some may be pure joy. I hope to not dwell on the negative, but to express it and deal with it in order to grow and alleviate some of the constant depression that has surrounded me in the past 10 months. (Nov. 10, 10)
With this intent re-visited I hope to use this Blog for that. For a means to happiness and hopefully this will allow me to combine 3 and 4 into one.

So I will start with these. I will try and write more frequently on here, even if it's only to tell you me work out progress. I think I may make this Blog more accessible to the general populous. Maybe my scope has been too small. Maybe my limiting this to be viewed only by those whom I have met I am limiting the productivity of my Blog. I think we will try to open it up and if I end up getting stupid spam and such then I will limit it again.

Tomorrow is a new day! We must try to put our best foot forward and understand that sometimes there are pot holes.

Reminiscing

Today is an damp, slightly cloudy day, and I'm feeling a little blah. Not in the way of being depressed, more like I'd like to stay in my PJ's all day and not do anything. When I get into these moods I usually try and keep myself a little busy so that I'm not just wallowing on my couch all day. So today I started adding photo's of myself as a kid onto Facebook. It's funny how the years change and how the times go by... I've looked at pictures of me as baby, a toddler and a kid. I remember how well me and my brother got along. Well, at least most of the time. And I remember the fun we had. Yes there were hard times, there were crappy times, but there were also really good times. Lots of fun with friends and such.

I think today I'll pull out my photo album and scan some of my pictures into the computer. I think it's better to reminisce about the long past sometimes, at least better than the recent past. Some days I sit here and am overwhelmed by the events that have taken place over the past 2 years. The great ups we had, and the devastating downs we had. It makes me appreciate the lull we are having now.

It's Spring... in more than one way. It's the revival of the weather and the sun, but it's also a revival of self. Polar Bear and I have been in a Winter for the past two years. Even with the birth of our daughter we still were in a down... we could see that there was light but it seemed so far away. Now I feel we are approaching a Spring. He should be back to work next week and the weather's making it easier for me to leave the house. Vi is starting to be able to look around a bit more, and trying to hold her head up. And I'm now able to put her into clothes (within reason).

I say let the snow on our hearts start to melt. We will always remember what it was like when it was there but I'm really looking forward to a Summer.

May your spring be filled with those you love and happy moments!

Friends and Family

So I had a nice friend and family fix this week. Lots of visiting and with the nice weather we can't help but feel good. We even managed to take the dog for a walk. WOOT!

I haven't had a lot of chance to write lately and that has a lot to do with sleep deprivation, baby and life in general. I've been in an up and down mood lately and when I'm up I don't really know what to write about, and when I'm down I don't want to just bitch. The whole point of this was a way to let out the fears and anxieties I was having and I know I'll keep having them, but I think the one's I've been having I've been reluctant to let out.

Anywho, things seem to be going okay so far. I've been trying to take LOTS of pictures of Violet. I think I need to justify that she has been getting bigger and that we are out of the woods in some sense. But they are only little once and if I don't take to pictures I'll be sad that I missed something. The only big thing that I feel I missed was getting pics done of her when she was really little. Being we were in the hospital all my pics of her when she is really small have tubes and other things on her. I know it's not a big deal, just something that I wish we could have done... you know like the Anne Geddes photos. But I've been looking at a lot of them and I think I'll try my hand at doing a cute photo-shoot with my crappy camera (it's not actually crappy, it's just not as fancy as I would like). I've managed some cute pics of her with the dog but I think I need to be a little more creative, so I'll look at other pics online and see what I come up with... mostly what I have in the house and can use.

I was looking at some of her pics from the first few weeks and tried to turn them into black and white. That was a bad idea, it really reminded me of Cole's pics when they are like that. They were both so small!!

So I'll try the new shoot sometime this week... I'll probably not post all of them on Facebook being I want to send announcement cards and I want to use a picture that everyone hasn't already seen. We'll see if I'm successful :)

Posting

I really need to stop posting in the middle of the night when I'm over tired. It really just makes me sound like an ungrateful whine arse, which I totally don't mean to be. Sorry if I sounded cranky or ungrateful.

Doing well... all of the above

So I have decided I will not go on with a daily list on how well Violet's doing. The purpose of this blog is not to be a daily journal but a slightly more in depth look into how I've been feeling and how this pregnancy/birth/etc and my past experience change how I handle with the world. What does that mean exactly? Well it means I have strayed from my purpose... not greatly but enough that I haven't been writing due to the fact that I either want to use this as a list of all the good stuff or I want to use this as a rant for all my frustration. This is neither.

I could easily rant about much that is going on in my head... there's a lot and when you are alone at home most of the time with a baby you can't help but rant. What's the main rant you may say? Well, I think it's that I am home alone. There are many in my life that have failed to show up. Some are coming this week (as in my parents) but I have had a lot of people state that they would bombard me with visits and instead I have hardly heard a word. I know this is normal and that everyone's life at this point is a little nuts but still.

My only other rant is the concept of the meet and greet/shower. What's the rant there? Well the pure confusion as to whether there will actually be such a thing. Again life has been crazy but I have received mixed messages as to whether something like this is being done and am starting to think such a thing will not be done. Now I don't totally care one way or another, my only concern is that Polar Bear and I have held off buying or getting people to buy stuff because we are unsure if other people want to get us stuff. It is very frustrating when you know you are going to need stuff and you are unable to plan on whether you need to find the funds or if someone is planning on getting you something and they will be angry if you purchase it on your own.

What these rants mean is that really, all in all, life is good. Polar Bear goes back to work in a month, and he may even be starting a new job all together that is year round, we are just waiting to hear back from the company. Vi is doing great, gaining weight. She's happy and healthy and safe and strong. I have managed to go out for a bit with a friend, and do enjoy staying home with Vi even though it can get a little dull and I am extremely sleep deprived. All my issues are superficial. They are all thing that will solve themselves in due time and if I would be patient they are really not issues at all.

So I hope all your current concerns and issues are as minor as mine are. That they are all mere inconveniences and will be solved with time.

29 Days

We have now official hit the point where Violet is past Cole's dates. Wednesday she became 4 weeks exactly. Cole passed at 28 days and I find myself today feeling a little emotionally up. I'm tired, don't get me wrong, but I'm on an emotional up instead of down. What this means psychologically, I'm not 100% sure, but I think I've been unable to allow myself to believe that everything is as good as it is. I think I've been holding a piece of me back waiting for the other shoe to drop. For my world to fall out from under me. For life to kick me again just as I'm thinking it's going good.

But we've done it, we've passed everything that I can think of that would make me down. Violet's happy, healthy, safe and strong. Everything I've been wishing for throughout the pregnancy, and I'm actually feeling that things may remain that way.

I've discussed with my husband the issues I've been having with the whole breast feeding thing. I've decided that I will continue to pump for as long as I'm producing enough milk, or until I get fed up with it. I have completely given up on trying to actually breastfeed her, and since I've decided this I've felt a lot better. Less stressed and less inadequate. It helped that my husband finally told me that he didn't mean to make me feel like I had to get her onto the boob, instead he was trying to support me at what he thought would help me. But instead it had just made me depressed. Sometimes getting rid of one thing just removes that straw that would otherwise have broken the camel's back. I know that the whole breastfeeding thing was not as big of a deal as I felt it was. It was an accumulation of everything that had been going on and that had gone on over the past year. It was the final straw for my emotional sanity. But having now decided that I will forgo the direct breastfeeding and just pump/bottle feed her, I've felt a lot more calm. This means that I am not tied to having to be around all the time, this gives me a little freedom and allows Polar Bear to be directly involved with his daughter (which he's loving).

Well we will see how this new found positive feelings continue. I'm sure there will be some more downs in the future, especially when things remind me of Cole, but for now I will enjoy my daughter and try and keep the clouds at bay. TGFS *thank the gods for spring!

A week

I know I'm not very imaginative in the titling of  my Blogs. I know this just by the sure fact that I've probably repeated a title or two... or used something similar. I just fail to feel the need to title my blogs after thing that I'm writing about, part of that is I title the page before I write the blog. Maybe I should do it the other way around but if this should happen then I probably will end up having blank titled blogs. So unoriginal it is!

I have been a bit of an emotional wreck the past week. Part of me feels that since the baby's here now and home I should be happy. And don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic. I have moments and days of pure joy. Joy of spending my time with her, Joy at everything in life. Then I have other days where I'm in the middle. My time spent with her is wonderful but everything else bothers me. And then there are the days where everything upsets me. I am blessed with an easygoing baby. If she was colic or anything I think it'd be worst, being she's so calm and easy she helps sooth me on those days. I know this sounds backwards but it's the way it is.

I've just felt fail lately. I know I'm doing the best I can and I know everyone would say I'm doing great. (Or at least that's what I've been told and heard at the moment) But I can't help but feel a little fail. I can't help but have part of me feel fail on the whole pregnancy thing. I failed with Cole and now I was unable to do term again. I had issues with pregnancy and I think it bruises my idea of woman. Now I'm failing on the whole breast feeding thing. I am able to pump but I've been producing less and she's been eating more. On top of that I've not been able to manage to have her actually breastfeed. My nipples have been bleeding and i doesn't get in the milk when I pump but it's worst when she tries to suckle. Being she's so small and been getting used to the bottle I've been having a harder time getting her to latch. I feel fail. I've been doing what I can and what is suggested by my readings on increasing production, and it helps a bit. But the whole breastfeeding thing is really  getting me down. I try to explain it to my husband and he doesn't get it. He means well but doesn't get it. Today he suggested I try to breastfeed and I tried but was overwhelmed, 1st I couldn't get her on. Then her trying to suckle opened up my sore so it hurt a lot. Once I start bleeding it's out the window sometimes so I was over tired and frustrated and started crying. He took her and fed her by bottle which in some ways just made it worst. I know that it's mostly this one thing thats bothering me, and I know supposedly it's not a bug deal. At least I'm able to pump and she's able to eat breastmilk. But it's hard to have visions in your head and hopes and one by one they seem to be taken away.

I can't have my son. I can't have a happy term pregnancy and now I can't breast feed well. I just feel a little defeated.

So I'll thank whatever gods there are for my beautiful, healthy little girl and enjoy everything else about my time with her. I'll keep trying, and reading up about things to try, next to try is a nipple shield again... and one day I may have to stop trying boob just for my own sanity.

A long Week... Ups and Downs

For those of you who haven't been physically in my life over the past week we have had a fun ride.

Last Tuesday night... March 1st... I  started not to feel well. I threw up twice between 6 and 6:30 pm and tried to lay down but felt like crap. So at 7:30 I called the hospital and the nurse said it might be anxiety so to come in and they would do a non-stress test. Polar Bear was in TO working and had the car, so I called a friend to drive me. We got to the hospital at 8:30 and they hooked me up to monitors. I was starting to have serious tummy tightening, but not real contractions.... They did a bunch of test and said that I was starting labour. This resulted in the doctors calling other hospitals and deciding to transfer me to Brampton because it was bigger and has a level 2 NICU (I am only 33 weeks). We call my husband and he hurry's to Fergus where we currently are, arriving around 11:15-11:30. At 12:00 the ambulance arrives to transfer me. At 1:00 we arrive at Brampton Civic hospital, and 1:20am my husband shows up :).

So we are now in Brampton Civic... From 1:30am to 7:00 am we have slowly strengthening contractions until at 7:00am the doctor checks me before the shift change. At this point I am only 3.7cm.... So she seems unconcerned, figuring we had a long time. (although we warned her how quick our labour was last time). By 8:00am I was having full on contractions, they were long and hard and painful, and I was having a hard time concentrating on anything. The Nurses (who had just started their shifts) started calling the doctor... first one, then the other... both getting mad at whoever they were talking to. By 8:15-8:20 the new doctor came in and took one look at me saying that they need to move me, and checked with a quick ultrasound to see that her head was down. At 8:30 I walked to the delivery room while having contractions, they checked me and I was 5cm. At 8:45 they suggested getting an epidural being they contractions were so hard. They checked and I was now 7cm. They quickly sat me up, gave me an epidural (I had my water break while getting the epidural) they laid me down and got me to roll onto my back. At this point I started pushing. They doctor still had not arrived so the nurse got me to push a little. The rest of my water broke, and she saw a little meconium so she told me to just push. She stopped me briefly 'cause the cord was wrapped around her head, then I pushed again and she was out... it is now 9:10. They wisk her to the side and I can here her crying, my husband takes pictures. Then she's off to the NICU. 9:12 the Doctor walks in, I deliver the placenta LOL. So although it says which doctor delivered her she was ACTUALLY delivered by the nurse!

My daughter is a healthy little girl, with a full head of hair, and lots of facial expressions.

On Monday we were moved from Brampton Civic Hospital to Guelph General. This is awesome being it's so much closer to home!!!

Now everything is good, and the itching is mostly gone. But I think I've been having anxiety attacks. I have a hard time leaving her, every time I do I break down. My husband is ecstatic and bouncing off the walls. I'm happy but I feel like I should be happier. I should be smiling and bouncing like him. Instead I'm happy but reserved. I blame some of it on sleep deprivation and a lot on anxiety. I think I will get better when we finally come home. I know some part of me is preparing for something bad to happen, like I can't let myself get too excited because I still don't believe that everything is as good as it is. I'm waiting for the floor to drop out from under me.

So I will keep you posted on home coming time, and the constant battle with anxiety and depression. (I so did not want to be in a NICU again!!!!) Hopefully we'll be home soon!!

Appointments

So Friday we had our doctor's appointment. I am on the same meds as before just more frequently and doubling up... what that means is I take Benadryl every four hours and Atarax, which is the sleep one for night, 2 to 3 times a day. What this means is I will be drowsy and sleepy all the time! Does this mean I will sleep,... nah, but if it helps the itching I can't complain. I figure I will probably sleep/nap anytime I feel I can... constantly throughout the day. WOOT. lol

What was also discussed is what will be happening over the next few weeks...

So I will be doing blood work every week. I have to fast for it, so it'll probably be every Monday, being this test is the one that takes a week for results (as well as some other stuff). The sucky thing is I'm pretty sure it costs $50 to do the test, so it's going to be expensive by the end. As for results, he will get most of the results on Wednesdays and the large bile one on the following Monday.

Also, I will be doing a Biophysical Ultrasound every week. They are booked for every Friday for the next few weeks. What this consists of is a 20 to 40min ultrasound each week as well as a Non-Stress test. So with this they monitor and check a whole whack load of stuff for the baby at the US and then get monitored for apx 20 min in the labour and delivery area as well.

On top of this at the moment, I will be having a doctor's appointment in 2 weeks. The doctor also said we will be induced no matter around week 37. If, however, any of my numbers are  getting a little high or he's concerned with any results we may be induced earlier. If we get induced before week 36 we will be transferred to Mac in Hamilton and be induced there so that the baby can go directly to the NICU.

I am REALLY hoping to last to 36weeks... that's a little less than 4 weeks... 5 weeks would be even better. I really don't want to go to the NICU if I can help it. Here's hoping.... I'll keep you up dated :)

A hard day

Today was a hard day... I wasn't expecting it to be as hard as it actually was, and that kind of caught me off guard.

It started with no sleep... yup I'm not sleeping much again. I'm still taking the meds prescribed to me but they are seeming ineffectual. I know they are working to some extent but overall I'm still one mad itch!

At 5:30 am Polar Bear had an MRI for his back. It was a scheduled appointment and we decided instead of paying the 6 bucks to park I would drop him off and pick him up for the appointment. So this meant that when I was finally hitting the point of pure exhaustion I ended up staying up 'cause it was already 4 am. Came home from dropping him off to lay awake in bed for 45min and just get up and pick him back up.

This wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have a fun filled day at the hospital scheduled. So I got home from picking up Polar Bear and slept for maybe 2 to 3 hours... and it wasn't much of a sleep between the itching and the frustration in general. Got up and went to an ultrasound. Where supposedly I was to do a bunch of other things added onto the ultrasound sheet I had but the hospital didn't have it, and I'm over tired and getting frustrated by the snappy lady behind the counter. So we say screw it and just do the ultrasound I originally had planned figure the doctor will probably set me up for another one sometime in the next week.

So now I'm over tired and cranky. And every time I go to these things I have to re-explain what happened with Cole... I don't know why it's not on my file. It is frustrating and makes me re-live things.....

Tired... Cranky... Itchy... now sad.

We then had a quick lunch and visit with my mother in law, and then ... yup.... back to the hospital for our pre-admin registration stuff. So now I get to explain to 3 other people... one right after the other... No this is not my first pregnancy. Yes we delivered here. And then proceed to re-explain everything that happened to us in January and February last year. It is frustrating... I know they need to know but you explain it to the public health nurse and they give you a stupid 10 question thing to see if you're "suffering from pre-natal depression". OF COURSE I'M DEPRESSED!!! I'm Sad.... I'm Scared... I'm Over TIRED... I'm ITCHY and the chairs suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did I mention that they always seem to keep this look of either over concern or blankness when you are talking about it... and then they say... Well no complications so far in this one!!! WTF!!! I have CHOLESTASIS OF PREGNANCY!!! Is that not a freekin' COMPLICATION!!!!!!!!!!!! GAAAAAAHHH!

So I came home after all this and slept for about and hour maybe and hour and a half... then vegged and probably slept maybe and hour more over the evening. Now it's 1:30 am.... my husband and dog are asleep... I've just taken my prescription to help at night (which hasn't been for the past few days) and will attempt to sleep at some point. In order to wake up tomorrow for 9am so I can call my doctor and find out if there is anything else I can take... and will probably have to go in and get MORE blood work done to see if my levels have risen in the past week.... YAY!

Why can't I have a normal fucking pregnancy!! Why does this always have to be so hard... and if I have to get another freeking prescription I don't even have 6 bucks in my account.... GAH!! ARGH!! and any other noise of total frustration.

I will let you know how tomorrow goes. Hopefully better than today. Maybe if I can sleep I will be in a better mood for tomorrow... Here's hoping!

Hmmm...

What we have learned tonight....

Go to sleep when medication kicks in and you are not itching like mad and you are getting tired.

DO NOT stay up to talk to husband then finally try to sleep after 3 to 4 hours of meds in system... they will soon no longer be working.

Now that 6 hours have passed since taking meds... I can now take a different med that won't knock me out but may alleviate the itching... Stupid me!!!

YAY for crappy sleep!!

Official Diagnosis....

So it's official... I have Cholestasis of Pregnancy...

Oky I know it's just a term and you probably have no idea what it means. Well you could do like I did and read up on it on the internet... make sure you read a few sites if you do. Diagnosis and method of treatment have changed, as well as medications, quite a bit within 10 years. So I'm just to believe my doctor and trust him with this whole thing. In lame man's terms it's a liver issue where there is too much bile flowing into your blood stream... sounds weird I know.... what that means? Well I'm itchy from head to toe and will have to do a barrage of tests and appointments until delivery.

What my doctor said is that at the moment I have a very mild case of it. So we just need to keep a close eye on it. We will be having ultrasounds every week or 2, stress tests for baby almost every week or more if I'm nervous, and blood work every week.... WOOT... this is on top of my weekly appointment with the doctor. Also it means that I will definitely be induced by 38 weeks.... (I am 31W3D today so in apx 6 weeks at max). If for any reason they get concerned about any of the tests, or my levels go up, or anything of worry, then the doctor will induce earlier. Inductions are usually done between 35 and 38 weeks no matter what. This is due to the increase of still birth and fetal distress later in pregnancy. So we will be closely monitored for the next 6 or so weeks and hopefully this will mean we will have a happy result in the end.

How do I feel about this???? Stressed, frustrated, sad and upset... as well as relieved to have a diagnosis, and glad that the doctor's are taking this seriously.

Well just wanted to let you know the results... I'll keep you updated as the tests start. :)

Why?

Why can't things ever go easy?

Why can't we just have a year or two of good positive things in our lives?

Why is money always so important?

GAH!

I feel useless... I know it's stupid of me to say this, but I do. I sit at home all day either watching movies or playing on the internet. Yes I try and do some housework but I really try hard not to wear myself out, which happens quite often. We are really really tight on money, nervous about awaited doctor results and scared about the next few months and what it will bring us.

My husband's depressed cause he's never been this broke. I have but I don't like it. We know that in time it will be fine, we just need to get into the season where his job picks up. It's just so frustrating to be broke, and know that the baby can come at any time in the next 2 months and then worry about having everything we need. Being we aren't planning on getting anything till the baby's here, we're nervous about having enough money to actually buy the stuff we need when we need it.

I hate waiting, I am not a patient person.

I know this self pity is not helpful and I'll shake it in time. It might just be the day... 1 year ago today we knew things were going bad... 1 year ago tomorrow we were able to move Cole, hold Cole and introduce him to the family... 1 year ago Saturday we lost him, we cried and drank and cried some more. We were numb.

I think I have seasonal issues and now I'm here, with no job and no money. No way to help in any way. Pregnant and going through a barrage of tests to see if something's wrong with me. And if it is then I know I'll hit a guilt cycle that it was my fault that we lost Cole. That if we would have got testing earlier for the itchiness that time we would have realized something...

I know I shouldn't do this. Shouldn't think about the things that may have been different. But I can't help it! I'm sad, nervous and scared.

2 Months to full term, here's hoping!

31 Weeks... Meds... and Sleep

So we are now 31 weeks today. WOOHOO!! One more week and we've reached our first goal of 32 weeks which is 8 months which is when the doctor said it's safe... !!!!! WOOT!

Now the itching hasn't gone away... pooy! Got some of the blood work back on Monday and the doctor said that some of the liver tests were a little high, but he's not quite sure what to do about it yet. So I still won't get the one test back till tomorrow or Friday (I'm expecting Friday) and being they were a little high he asked me to go get more blood work done today (Wed) to see where the numbers are going. So they usually have the no news is good news concept, so I'm hoping that everything will get better but if there's anything I should hear back from most of it by Friday. I've been given Benadryl to take during the day to alleviate the itching, it hasn't stopped completely, just took a bit of the edge off, but night time was bad so when I talked to the Doctor again on Monday he's now prescribed Apo-Hydroxyzine, which is an anti-histamine that will make me sleepy. I'm only to take one at night before I go to bed to help with the itching and let me sleep more than the 2 hours I was sleeping. So far it's worked ok, Monday I slept from 11ish till 4am (got up to pee :P ) then went back to bed till almost 10am... so I consider that a success. Last night I took it around 9 and slept till 2, and got up a few times to pee, baby was kicking in a weird spot so I had more problems sleeping. Got up at 5am to take Polar Bear to Fergus for work and went and got blood work done, and went back to bed around 8am till noon-ish (of course waking up a few times to pee and such. So I think it's working mostly. I'm still itchy and my skin feels irritated but it's not driving me crazy at the moment and I thank the meds for that.

So now we wait till Friday and see if there's anything new in the blood work. I'll keep you posted!

ITCHING!!!

GAH!

So we went to doctors on Friday and talked about the INCESSANT ITCHING that I've started to have again. He sent us for blood work (which will take up to a week to get results back from) and gave me Benadryl to try. It's either something minor, which is pretty much me being allergic to myself, or a little more serious to do with liver things. Well I've been taking the Benadryl... yesterday and today... and it hasn't really helped. It kinda takes the edge off the itching during the day but at night I'm either not sleeping or waking myself up scratching my legs/feet/back/hand/everything cause I've made myself raw.

This is not cool! This is not fun!! This is FRUSTRATING BEYOND BELIEF!! It's funny that I just saw him yesterday and it feel like so long ago. I will be calling him on Monday to see if there's anything else I can take, he told me to call if it was getting worst, so that's what I'm going to do. I'll call Monday and see if there's something else I can take or if I need to come in and get another prescription.  (which kinda sucks 'cause I know it'll probably cost a bit!)

So at the moment all I'll say is GAH!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!OSOIEURIEUROI#J$#(&$*(&T(W&!!!! (if you know what I mean) Hopefully when I write next I'll still have my legs and feet attached to my body and not removed by me SCRATCHING THEM OFF!!!!

I'll keep you posted!!

Kicking

So the baby's kicking quite a bit lately, which is very good, but she seems to be kicking straight down a lot, which doesn't worry me but makes me feel like she's kicking private parts that should never be kicked.

We have made it to 30w2d... WOOT! Now we just need to make it 2 more weeks, and we'll be at 32weeks and I'll feel a little better I think. I've had a rough week this week... it started with a sinus cold last weekend. And as you all know, you can not take ANYTHING for that when pregnant. Then the sinus cold moved down and became a full out chest cold by Monday/Tuesday. Being I've been having a heck of a time sleeping through the night, a chest cold definitely DOES NOT HELP with the sleeping and trying to feel better. On top of all this I've managed to have No Itching the whole pregnancy but this week, in 3 days, I managed to go from minor itching to full body itch, feet and all. This truely makes me nervous. I had full body itching with Cole, and my feet are driving me NUTS!!! At least tomorrow we have our doctors appointment. I've decided not to eat before going to the appointment (just drinking water) so that if they want me to go get blood work that I require to fast for I can. With Cole I had an appointment with the doctors Friday... was given a requisition for blood work... and went into labour Saturday before I could even go in, being I had to fast for the blood work. So no food for the pregnant woman till noon tomorrow. This would normally sound terrible, but being I'm so preoccupied with the itching, and the mostly gone chest cold, and the over tiredness, I feel that this should be okay. I almost failed already at the no eating when I first got up at 5am, but I remembered and just got water. I wasn't hungry, just tired and cranky so sometimes food makes me feel better.

I'll keep you posted on what the doctor says. I'm getting really nervous about this whole last 2 months and there's not much I can do about it. Hopefully he can do something about this incessant itching... hopefully it's nothing serious.... hopefully it's just annoying as hell. But I'm nervous, and scared, and not sure what to do about any of it....

4am

Yup, it's 4 am and I am awake!

I don't want to be awake but no matter what I try it seems that I am unable to sleep through a night.

And what makes is worst?? I have a head cold and a husband who got over it in a day and I'm going on 3. So my husband and dog are sleeping peacefully in bed while I'm sitting up exhausted and wishing I could just sleep through one night.... GAH!

Do you ever remember reading Garfield comics and they had a series of them where he was singing on the fence and it was written more like a scream then a song. I feel like that. I want to climb on top of a fence and just go AAAARRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

I think if would be cathartic!

But knowing me I would find a fence that was able to hold my 140 lbs (remember I'm 7mths pregnant), but being I'm pregnant and not high on the graceful scale at the moment, I would probably only make if about half way up the fence. At this point I would run out of breath, so I'd stop for a minute. Which would cause my foot to slip on the icy fence (remember... winter... Canada) and get hooked into the fence. At this point my glove would freeze and get stuck to the fence. My pulling at the glove would cause me to fall backwards resulting in the hooked foot to catch me in some fashion. I would then be hanging upside down by one foot with only one glove on feeling totally pathetic but unable to get up and unwilling to call for help. At this point my husband would find me, wondering where I have gone off to in the middle of the winter. He would pull me down, shake his head at me, and probably laugh hysterically. Which would cause me to feel worst, resulting in me (in my over emotional state) to start crying, causing little ice trails to freeze to my face.

Yeah.... so climbing a fence and screaming is out. I guess this is why you seldom see cats do it in the winter, must be more of a summer sport.

Sad day

I have received sad news today about my friend's sister-in-law. She had twins pre-term, at 24 weeks, lost the first one during birth and has now just lost the second one last night. They had to make the tough decision of stopping the ventilator being the baby had bleeding on his brain and would never function, he pretty much was severe enough that he'd be a vegetable for the rest of his life. It makes me so sad for this family. I remember the pain, and hurt, and sorrow I felt to have to make that decision. I also remember the difficulty we had in telling other people that we removed the ventilator. It was on doctor's insistence, but it doesn't mean you don't get people who think that if you left it in, that there would be some miraculous change and the baby would get better. Miracles like that don't happen, no matter how hard you wish for them, all you can do is decide on how long you will force the little body to remain when you know what is inevitable. All you can do is decide how selfish you will be, how long you want to hold and cherish the one that is leaving, and how long you will force them to stay. Beau and I decided pretty quickly when we were told our options, there was no hesitating, all we wanted was the chance to hold him for a little bit longer to say our goodbyes and to be able to hold him after they removed it so we could be there when he passed. Both of these decisions were supported by our doctor and nurses, and they made us feel like we did the best thing for him. The fact that there are so many families that have to make this decision breaks my heart. I know some do hold on for a day or two before accepting the inevitable, and I understand where they are coming from, every person deals with this decision differently. This is not an easy decision, but in some ways it was not a hard on either. It is a decision you wish to never make.

My heart and my love goes out to all those who have had to make this decision, and all those who have lost the ones they barely got to meet!

Sleep....

So as the saying goes, Sleep is for the weak. From this I have discovered, in recent days, that would mean the weak are those who are not pregnant, don't have children, and are responsible workers who go to bed at a decent hour and don't stay up all night playing video games or going to the bar (Being they are the only ones I can think of who may actually sleep regularly) I, for one, am not part of the weak. I have decided this from the sheer lack of ability to sleep through the night without getting up 16 times to pee and having a baby kicking to the point that even though I don't have to pee I still feel like I do so I get up and go pee although I just got back from the bathroom then have to go get more water and usually let the dog out and maybe make food (cause I'm pregnant and want to eat ALL THE TIME) and then I lay down again and repeat the cycle till I say fuck it and come here and play on the computer so that at least I'm sitting up already when I have to go pee the next 16 times.... which makes me the LEAST WEAK individual I can think of. (Now that was one long run on sentence) So I've decided that the "Strong" or at least not weak must mean the sleep deprived, tired all the time, poorly motivated individuals... or maybe just the gamer geeks... Oh how I wish I was the weak! LOL

Why is it that my dog can sleep the whole night through without fail but when it finally means I can go to sleep, usually 'cause I've hit the point of sheer exhaustion, that's when (without fail) my dog decides to wake me up 'cause now he's wide awake and wants to play and usually has to pee. And it's not like he usually just goes pee once... NOooooooooooo. Instead, 'cause it's cold outside and there's this horrible thing called SNOW on the ground, he will go out and go pee, then when I'm back in bed and mostly asleep he will get up again and want to go out again and this time he poops. Why my dog can't do both of his businesses on the same trip outside I can not understand. What usually ends up happening is I go back to bed after the first trip and ignore him for at least an hour, when he finally hits the point that instead of just moving around the bed sighing he'll get off the bed and sit by the door and make loud pathetic dog sighs that are just short of being a whine and are just loud enough that it's completely annoying and even putting a pillow over my face I can not tune out the pathetic dog. Then when I get up he runs downstairs to the door, where I put him out, and he does his business. Upon getting back into the house he usually runs up the stairs, all excited as dogs are after going poop, and proceeds to jump on the bed and curl up ON MY PILLOW, in MY SPOT and fall back to sleep before I've managed to lock the door and walk back up the stairs. Usually at this point I then have to go pee (for my 14th or so time in the night) and then try to go back to sleep. This usually fails miserably being now I've moved a bit and so the baby starts kicking, so I have to pee again about 5 minutes after my head hits the pillow, which continues on the cycle I mentioned above, resulting in me getting up and playing on the computer until I'm too tired to care. I then try to move the sleeping dog, who looks at me with the expression of "Can't you just let ME get the sleep that you aren't going to get without being woken up" which I respond to by picking him up and putting him at the end on the bed or when my husband's home throwing the dog on him because I'm usually frustrated now that he has been sleeping this whole time while I've been trying to sleep. This usually results in me finally managing maybe 3 hours more sleep before I just can't sleep 'cause by this time my husband and the dog are wide awake and noisy and acting like I sleep all day. I respond to this by turning over and pretending to sleep some more until the dog either jumps on me or my husband starts doing things (like opening the bedroom curtains, or talking on Ventrilo) in which I usually submit to defeat and get up.

Oh to sleep again THROUGH the night... I think it's a thing of the past or of myth! LOL

FEBRUARY!

So we've hit the month we re-named last year as CRAP! For those of you who don't know this the year now goes... January, Crap, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December.

Yesterday I had an absolutely shitty ass day. So today I decided to try and cheer myself up, even if it just means not actually dealing with anything. I did laundry, and groceries, and rented 3 movies. I've watched the first one (called Mic Macs) which was done by the same guy who did Amelie, so it's in french with subtitles and cute. A light-hearted feel good kinda movie, just what my mood called for. 

Yesterday it was like no matter how I tried I couldn't shake the blues. And every time I almost got them shaken something would happen or remind me of last year. I found out a friend of mine's sister-in-law had her twins at 24weeks... lost one of them... and the other is fighting for life in the NICU! It sucks... I feel her pain on both fronts!

I'm just missing my little boy. I know in some ways I should be happy that I'm pregnant and this little on is healthy and should have no complications (keeping fingers, toes and eyes crossed) but I can't help missing the one I barely got to meet!

Hopefully this Crap will be better than last!

Here are two pictures of the one we lost, and who my heart's breaking everyday this month remembering the roller coaster ride and the time we got to spend with him. As fleeting as it was.... 

 ^ Cole at 2 days in the NICU in Kingston

\/ Cole at 28 days, the morning he passed in the NICU in Kingston

I miss my little guy more than anything at the moment....

Gah!

Sometimes I think I do it to myself. I'm having a mostly good day, no major issues, feeling pretty positive. Then I do something or go somewhere and make it bad.

Today is one of those days. Had a fairly good weekend. Even got the nerve up to go and start pricing baby stuff, which in itself was a step. Didn't go out for too long, or look too hard just kinda walked through the section, looked at a stroller/car seat combo. Today I was feeling tired but fine and then I go and ruin it. I was looking for a movie to watch and instead of watching my staples I was an idiot and put on City of Angels of all movies. Yeah I totally forgot what it was about, I remembered love story and angels but I didn't remember the fact that a little girl dies in the first scene.... and almost the whole thing is in a hospital. Just what I needed. Yeah, Right! So now I'm feeling crappy, stopped the movie part of the way and came onto the computer. And instead of looking at something nice or funny I look up Meconium and possible reasons for us losing Cole and make myself feel worst.

Why do I do this to myself? I was feeling good, why couldn't I just let things be? I know there's no real answer for that, it's just crappy. So now I'm sad and depressed and my husband isn't home till Friday. I know I'll shake it, and probably within the next few hours, but still.

Hospital Bag

So the time has come... and being I'm paranoid about going in to labour early I'm getting prepared sooner than others.... yup, you guessed it! The dreaded HOSPITAL BAG! The bag of everything you could possibly want, some things you wouldn't want and of course a few things that you are sure to forget being they don't seem important at the time and you realize afterwards that they would have been nice to have! LOL!

I have been scouring the internet all morning trying to find a good, comprehensive list of things I should have with us for the delivery, before and after! Now most of the stuff I've found I will have to buy mostly because I only have one of them (like my toothbrush) and I'm not packing that away until delivery time (YUCK), so a shopping trip is in order! (YAY SHOPPING!!!!) I have found two pretty decent lists online in all my searching... Canadian Parents and Rookie Dad . Both of these lists say roughly the same thing, and tell you to bring very similar stuff. I know from my own experiences clothes... pads (boob and heavy duty)... pj's .... and other such stuff are a necessity. I just wasn't sure what I would need baby related being we didn't have a bag packed last time and didn't need take baby home stuff, also we didn't stay long in the hospital being we had to drive to Kingston so I wasn't sure on the clothing front how much stuff I would need.

So we will start our hunt for the dreaded HOSPITAL BAG STUFF (Do... Do... Do.... almost always need background music for that) tomorrow... WOOT! Happy hunting!

Week 28

So we have officially made it to the third trimester... depending on where you read the third trimester starts at 28 or 29 weeks.

Had another appointment yesterday and the doctor said that 3cm at this point for cervix length is where he likes to see it, so I'm right on target. He gave me another requisition for an Ultrasound for the end of February... so it's booked for Feb 22nd (which is a Tuesday). At least I've hit the point where I don't need to drink a TON of water... only 2 to 3 glasses is all they need! YAY! But it still means that you can't pee for an hour before the appointment. YUCK! :( How can a pregnant woman not pee for an hour... especially when you are getting to the end and the munchkin is starting to push on your bladder ALL THE TIME!!! Well, I'll just say it's another test on being uncomfortable for long periods of time.

I am now having appointments every 2 weeks.... yup we've hit that point. I think I'll feel better when I actually make it to that appointment. With Cole we didn't make it to the 2 week appointment being he was born a week before.... 29w5D.... So at my next appointment I will be 30W2D..... so if we make it there I'm sure I'll feel a ton better in someways. And TOTALLY FREAKING OUT in others LOL. So we are now looking forward to every two weeks... cause every appointment we get to means a greater chance of healthy baby that gets to come home right away... WOOT!

So we do a bunch of 2 week appointments then somewhere in the end of February and the beginning of March we start our 1 WEEK APPOINTMENTS... that'll be exciting! Fingers crossed!

Another appointment tomorrow

So the weekend was okay. I really think it hit me worst yesterday and a few days before the weekend. Polar Bear and I went for a nice dinner on Saturday night in celebration/remembrance. I sometimes forget just how much I like spending time with my husband. We ended up having the house to ourselves Saturday night, and all of Sunday. Which was exactly what the doctor ordered. We hung around home and relaxed, played some video games and just spent time together.

Tomorrow is 28 Weeks... and I have another appointment. Haven't heard anything about the ultrasound or blood work from the other week so I'm assuming that everything's gone okay. I'll let you know how the appointment goes. Polar Bear is coming home for the appointment being he's up north for the week, so that's nice. I don't always like going alone, it's nice to have another him there.

Well I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.

1 year

Yup... Sunday is January 23rd... and those of you who know me, or have been reading this will understand the stress and depression that have taken route like a vulture circling. January 23rd would have been Cole's 1yr B-day! I know, it's crazy to think that we have already managed a year. One year ago I was living at my brother-in-law's place. Slightly miserable. Having a crazy itching from head to toe that the doctor said was just a reaction that happens sometimes.... I know, still sounds weird to me (he had fancier Doctor lingo). But anyway... On January 23rd starting our 28day roller-coaster ride at the Kingston General Hospital. We all know that the ride didn't end as we were hoping... it ended with the hardest and easiest (in some ways) decision that my husband and I will ever have to make (HOPEFULLY!). He was a beautiful baby boy... he was wide eyed and curious... I only got to hold him for about 24 hours before he passed on Feb 19th.

I feel guilty in a lot of ways that he couldn't be here, that maybe there was something wrong and we didn't know, and of course, that I am 27 weeks pregnant on his first birthday with his little sister. I worry that I have let him down. I know that where ever he may be that he's scoffing at me saying I'm being silly, but still.

When I had Cole I felt disconnected. He was born and put right away into the incubator (being he was only 29W5D, and they were worried about his lungs)... about an hour after he was born I was able to move enough to go over and look at him, but it was weird. It didn't feel real. It was like looking at so many other people's babies... not my own. We went back and forth that evening to see him but we couldn't stay in the room with him and they were arranging transportation for him to Kingston. At 1 am we said good bye to our little guy and didn't get to see him till later the next day... We had to stay in the hospital that night and he got flown to the other hospital. It took me a while in Kingston to really start feeling connected. To really feel that this was my son and that he was sitting in front of me. All we could do for most of the time was hold his little hands through the incubator and talk to him. The doctors kept looking worried... he'd start showing signs of getting better then he'd get worst... it seemed like every time we went away for more than a day he got worst. The last time, they told us that they have exhausted all the options. The infection (which they believed was in his lungs) couldn't be fought, they had tried everything they could think of. His little kidney's were starting to shut down and so were other organs, the ventilator (which had been upgraded twice) was now the oscillating ventilator was hard on his system and was barely working, but they new the others wouldn't work. The Monday they warned us (as they were progressively warning us) that they were trying the last things they could, but they didn't have much hope that things would get better. He was now retaining water in his skin, which is a major sign of possible full body shut down. On Thursday (Feb 18th) morning we were told that the steroids and everything they tried to get his lungs working have failed, that the infection was getting worst and that they couldn't get his body to release the water. We had the choice, being it was now definite that he wouldn't survive, to move him into another room on a lower ventilator that we could hold him with. they would take most of the tubes out but keep one for pain relief and nutrients... he wouldn't feel any pain. So we moved him, and called our friends and family and told them that they don't think he's going to make it and that they were giving us a room so our friends and family could meet him before he passed. Our immediate family and close friends all came.  The evening was the first time my husband and I got to hold him... did I ever cry. He was real, he was mine and he was leaving me in the next few days, hours, minutes... we didn't know. The social worker for the NICU talked to us about getting pictures done, hopefully before he passed, by a company called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep... which  does pictures of newborns that are going to pass or have already passed. That night was the hardest, worst sleep, I have ever had. I remember sitting in the tub with the shower on at Almost Home (an amazing place for parents for sick kids to stay at) crying and asking for anything that could change this. The next morning we got up early and went back to the hospital. The photographer came and did some beautiful pictures of us, that we kept trying to not cry during and failed miserably. Then around noon we had to make a decision... the only thing keeping him alive was the ventilator. He was mostly gone, his body had shut down, but we were forcing him to stay with us. They asked us to decide to remove the ventilator and if we wanted to hold him until he passed... We sat and cried in the office for about 20 minutes, but decided that it wasn't fair to his little body to keep him with us. He could "survive" on the ventilator for up to a week, but how can you do that to a little boy who you know is not going to make it, who is not comfortable.... who, if it wasn't for the drugs, may be in pain. We decided to agree with the doctors. This was the hardest and easiest decision of our lives! We hugged and kissed him and sat with him for another hour or two, then left the room for a quick lunch (which we didn't eat) and so they could remove the ventilator. We went back up and got to hold him without anything for 10 minutes each... He stayed with us for a whole 20 minutes... He even stuck his tongue out at his dad LOL... He passed in his dad's arms.  The doctors came and pronounced him. The funny thing that people never tell you is it's so calm... there was this heavy weight over us the whole time we were in the hospital. The last week it was the worst, like there was a crowd around us even when we were alone. When he passed you could almost feel a weight in the air lighten. Like who ever was waiting for him had finally let out the breath they were holding. It was a calm air in the room. We cried when he passed but the weight had lifted a little. We held him for a little with the doctor then went downstairs so the doctor could prepare him a little and do the few things they needed for testing afterward. We called our family and let them know, we went downstairs and told the friends who had stayed with us. When we returned to the room where he had passed there was no weight in the air any more... not even that calm weight that was there for the hour or so after he passed... it was like the air cleared up. The sun was now out through the window (after raining and snowing the 4 weeks we were there) and we said our good byes to the doctors and nurses and social worker that helped us through the 28days of my little boys life. We went home and drank with friends and cried to ourselves...

One year later... I still feel the pain like yesterday. I feel the disconnect at first and the sorrow when I realized I was connected to him but going to possible lose him, and the pain of losing your first born, of losing the innocence that you once had about pregnancies.

Happy One Year my little man. I will miss you forever. I hope that you are watching over us and your sister, wherever you may be.

I may never have the innocence of pregnancy again, and I may worry and stress over everything in this pregnancy, but I believe it is understandable. This little girl will survive... she will be born as close to full term as is healthy for her and I... this pregnancy has been greatly different. I will never get my little guy back but I will be grateful for the time I had with him and am grateful to be able to have other children. I will be happy and I will cry no matter the outcome of this pregnancy... for the joys I can have with her and the joys I can't have with him.

To continue is all we can do....