Why?

Why can't things ever go easy?

Why can't we just have a year or two of good positive things in our lives?

Why is money always so important?

GAH!

I feel useless... I know it's stupid of me to say this, but I do. I sit at home all day either watching movies or playing on the internet. Yes I try and do some housework but I really try hard not to wear myself out, which happens quite often. We are really really tight on money, nervous about awaited doctor results and scared about the next few months and what it will bring us.

My husband's depressed cause he's never been this broke. I have but I don't like it. We know that in time it will be fine, we just need to get into the season where his job picks up. It's just so frustrating to be broke, and know that the baby can come at any time in the next 2 months and then worry about having everything we need. Being we aren't planning on getting anything till the baby's here, we're nervous about having enough money to actually buy the stuff we need when we need it.

I hate waiting, I am not a patient person.

I know this self pity is not helpful and I'll shake it in time. It might just be the day... 1 year ago today we knew things were going bad... 1 year ago tomorrow we were able to move Cole, hold Cole and introduce him to the family... 1 year ago Saturday we lost him, we cried and drank and cried some more. We were numb.

I think I have seasonal issues and now I'm here, with no job and no money. No way to help in any way. Pregnant and going through a barrage of tests to see if something's wrong with me. And if it is then I know I'll hit a guilt cycle that it was my fault that we lost Cole. That if we would have got testing earlier for the itchiness that time we would have realized something...

I know I shouldn't do this. Shouldn't think about the things that may have been different. But I can't help it! I'm sad, nervous and scared.

2 Months to full term, here's hoping!