Well, it's been a few weeks since last I posted here. I feel that this Blog has done me good but sometimes I wonder if I'll keep it up. It got me through the heart ache and issues I was having during the pregnancy and I know I still have issues and heart aches... stresses and pains. But I'm trying really hard not to dwell on the negative all the time. I'm trying hard to keep positive, and enjoy my little girl (although that brings about a new set of stresses) and enjoy where I am and what I am.
This has been hard sometimes. I find that I have been fighting with myself... and as a result with the world around. I am mostly fighting with my self image and my definition of who I am. I'm fighting with the idea of being 30 this year and life not being quite what I expected it to be... nor me being quite where I expected to be. I am fighting with the griefs of loss, stress, image, and everything in between. I'm having issues with the fact that I've always tried to be fairly independent and am still having issues with the whole depending on my husband for everything financially. I'm having issues with my body image, my clothes, my hair, my appearance in general. I'm having issues with my time management and the fact that I feel trapped in my house in someways but am also having issues with the fact that I feel I can't truly personalize my house and my space being it's a rental and I live with a room mate. I'm having issues with living with people that aren't my family. I'm having a lot of issues and I'm having issues with having so many issues! I'm also having issues with whether or not this is a good venue to discuss my issues and if I should actually discuss things. I'm concerned about discussing personal things at times being this is a public forum. I'm concerned about hurting people's feelings when discussing friends and family and even myself. I'm also concerned whether this is worth the while. Whether anyone is benefiting from this or if it's just a load of nonsense. I don't know if anyone actually reads this, and if they do if it's worth while for me to write it.
I have never been this indecisive in my life. I've always known who and what I am. I've always been fairly confident in my life and what I did. There are few decisions I regret and even those I do regret I have chalked up to learning and have embraced them in some way. This is the first time I've ever looked in the mirror and been truely unhappy with me and no way to do to much about it.
I know having a child puts them first... and she has become my world. But I've never believed in losing yourself in the process.
I feel I've lost myself.... In the past two years... I have slowly lost who I am to myself.
After losing Cole my world fractured. I came back to Guelph with grief in my heart after having left with excitement and adventure. Our friends and family were still here but the year away meant their dynamic had changed and with my loss and subsequent pregnancy I have never truly felt blended within the group. The idea of feeling alone in a group of people never had felt truer. I've been working hard to try and feel more connected but still feel alone. I feel myself being one of those people who reflect on the good old days... no not high school... but University and our bar life. I don't want to be one of those people who's life stops but I don't know how to start it. Our year in Alberta was a lonely year, last year was hard and sad, I don't know how to make it better. It's been better with my munchkin but I still feel a sense of trudging... like I'm going through the motions but they haven't truly connected with me. I'm happy, I know I am, but at the same time I have a hard time letting myself be happy. I've always been one who works hard for what I want but I don't know what I want... so I feel like I'm floundering.
So many issues.... I know many of them are interconnected... but I don't know where to start.
awww lady, I know how you're feeling! I'm feeling similar things about a lot of things in my life too. I think just keep in mind that you are working hard, at the hardest job of raising bebe right now, and that is important stuffs. But I know it's hard for all of us to keep a sense of self throughout everything going on, and while I don't have a lot of help to offer in how to do that (since goodness knows, I'm struggling with that as well), and really, I think of a lot of things will get resolved with some time, like you guys getting a house eventually, and getting back to work and such at some point. If you ever need someone to talk to or time to work out some of this stuff on your own, I'm a wiling listener/baby sitter :)
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