Had my doctor's apt yesterday and it went fairly well. The doctor's really nice and decided to schedule me for another ultrasound on the 12th of January just to make sure everything's going good. So I now have that ultrasound in 2 weeks and also have to go do the glucose test sometime in the next 2 weeks as well. So I'll probably do both on the 12th, do the glucose test in the morning and the ultrasound in the afternoon. Woot!
He pretty much said that as long as everything's going good I won't see him for another 4 weeks... so that means I have an apt in 2 weeks for US and Blood and 2 weeks after with him. Which is nice. Makes me feel like we're getting a little bit of extra care. At my next apt with him (on the 26th or so) I will be starting having apts with him every 2 weeks from then on. I asked him about the need for steroids and such and he said that unless we look like we are going to be pre-me for sure that he doesn't think we'll need it. He also said that anytime after 32weeks is safe. So that means anytime after the last week of February that we are safe to go into labour, and that we won't have to spend a long time in hospital at that point. Which makes me a little more at ease being I have a hard time believing that I won't go into labour before the April 20th point.
So we need 8 more weeks to be safe! The count down in on!!
Dec 30, 2010
Dec 28, 2010
Back to the grind
We are back to the grind stone... woot... and I still haven't managed to finish all my christmas gifts. LOL. I know I'm a little late but I should have them all done before New Years so I can give them to people.
I'm just feeling mostly off today. I don't really know why, I think it's just one of those days where no matter what you do you can't seem to shake the feeling.
I think I'm going to give up checking the NILMDTS forums for a little while. I'm just getting too depressed with the people on there. I know I was one of them, but I think that a site like that is for those who need to vent their grief, and although I need to vent I don't feel like the site's actually helping at the moment. I'll probably check up on it every few days but I don't think I'll go on everyday for a bit. It's hard when most of the women on there lost their little one's to still birth, miscarriage or to complications that they had warning about. I sometimes feel that I'm such a rare case on how our events took place that it's hard to relate to others. I know that they all mean well, heck I know everyone in my life means well, but I just can't shake the fear, worry and depression that I can feel nagging at me from the edges. I think it would be best if I stopped looking at that site. It'll just give me some time to not think about all the other problem's I could face in the last few months. If I don't have to read about them then maybe I'll be able to try and focus on the good stuff instead. Or at least not drone on their grief. We'll see if that works.
So maybe I'll go to a movie tonight, maybe that'll shake this feeling today.
I'm just feeling mostly off today. I don't really know why, I think it's just one of those days where no matter what you do you can't seem to shake the feeling.
I think I'm going to give up checking the NILMDTS forums for a little while. I'm just getting too depressed with the people on there. I know I was one of them, but I think that a site like that is for those who need to vent their grief, and although I need to vent I don't feel like the site's actually helping at the moment. I'll probably check up on it every few days but I don't think I'll go on everyday for a bit. It's hard when most of the women on there lost their little one's to still birth, miscarriage or to complications that they had warning about. I sometimes feel that I'm such a rare case on how our events took place that it's hard to relate to others. I know that they all mean well, heck I know everyone in my life means well, but I just can't shake the fear, worry and depression that I can feel nagging at me from the edges. I think it would be best if I stopped looking at that site. It'll just give me some time to not think about all the other problem's I could face in the last few months. If I don't have to read about them then maybe I'll be able to try and focus on the good stuff instead. Or at least not drone on their grief. We'll see if that works.
So maybe I'll go to a movie tonight, maybe that'll shake this feeling today.
Dec 27, 2010
Holiday's are over...
So the Christmas insanity is mostly done. Back to the grind (ish) and back to figuring out how to stay sane over the next few months.
Wednesday we will be officially 24 weeks... which will start the 6th month... exactly 5 weeks and 6 days before we went into labour with Cole. Does this totally freak us out... well DUH! It can't help but freak us out. We are scared and paranoid and nervous and worried... I'm not sure how I will handle it if we have another loss. Heck even if this baby is healthy, but if pre-me and we have to stay in the NICU, I'm not sure I'll be able to take it well.
I know I try to stay positive, but it's really hard. So far baby's doing well. She's kicking up a storm and I'm starting to feel like I'm exploding... and we still have almost 4 months to go. The sneeze-peeing is driving me batty, but that's a small price to deal with for a healthy baby.
Our first Christmas without Cole was better than expected. It helped that we weren't around other kids at all, so I didn't have to deal with that overwhelming feeling of loss and missing out on something. I still feel jiped in some ways about being so jaded over being pregnant. Both my husband and I feel that way. But there's not much we can do about it, especially being we are so against buying stuff and preparing so much for this baby. I just couldn't handle haven'ing to pack up all the baby stuff again if something happened. Heck I don't know if I will be able to deal at all... we'll just hope and pray that everything goes WONDERFULLY! That baby is as close to full term as is healthy for her, and that she will be happy, and healthy, and safe... and be able to come home the way we hope and not the way we fear.
I'm a little sad at times, as is to be expected. And I feel like I'm letting Cole down for not being sad enough... I feel like I'm supposed to be like these women on the sites I'm on who are emotional basket cases years after the loss of their little ones. I'm worried that I'm not dealing with the grief... but maybe I'm dealing with it better than they are... who knows. But I can't understand some people. Some of these women put up a stocking for their lost baby with their living kids stockings... some even buy presents from the dead baby to give to the living kids... some people kinda freak me out on the whole thing. I will probably do something at the anniversary of Cole's loss and on his birthday. Even if it's just me sitting at home being sad. I'm not sure... I'm debating if I should do something, but when you ask these ladies some of them even have birthday parties for the baby (with a cake and all). I don't think that's healthy. I don't think that's healing. I think that it makes them hang onto the loss and doesn't allow them to grow. To heal. I hope I'm not being insensitive. Maybe I am. Maybe I should feel that way, but I can't... I can't dwell... in my head that's giving up. Just like I couldn't hide in my room and weep for weeks after we got home, just like I couldn't stop and just give up... the most giving up I did was not to go back to work. I tried for 2 months then got pregnant, at that point my contract through the agency I was working ended so I just didn't bother trying really hard to find something. Now I didn't stop looking, but to be honest I wasn't as gungho to look and try and get a job as I would have been if I hadn't been going through what I was going through, and hadn't just found out I was pregnant and having insane morning sickness.
I'm scared about everything for this baby. Everything to come, and I have a really hard time believing some days that this baby will actually come home alive. Most days I think everything will be fine, she will be born healthy and everything will be great... or as great as they can be. But somedays I panic that it will just be another heart ache... and I know if this pregnancy doesn't succeed then we won't be trying again. I know this for sure. I know that both my husband and I couldn't deal with the stress of trying a third time and I'd be worried our relationship couldn't deal with that pain again. I know we'd probably try for adoption or something of the sort, but not to be pregnant again.
So, I'll stop this long winded depressing blog and ask for all the hope and prayers from whatever Gods you may believe in... and I'll try to be positive and hopeful... She will be happy and healthy and safe and strong and come home so I can watch her grow up and be part of her life..... That's the mantra at the moment....
Wednesday we will be officially 24 weeks... which will start the 6th month... exactly 5 weeks and 6 days before we went into labour with Cole. Does this totally freak us out... well DUH! It can't help but freak us out. We are scared and paranoid and nervous and worried... I'm not sure how I will handle it if we have another loss. Heck even if this baby is healthy, but if pre-me and we have to stay in the NICU, I'm not sure I'll be able to take it well.
I know I try to stay positive, but it's really hard. So far baby's doing well. She's kicking up a storm and I'm starting to feel like I'm exploding... and we still have almost 4 months to go. The sneeze-peeing is driving me batty, but that's a small price to deal with for a healthy baby.
Our first Christmas without Cole was better than expected. It helped that we weren't around other kids at all, so I didn't have to deal with that overwhelming feeling of loss and missing out on something. I still feel jiped in some ways about being so jaded over being pregnant. Both my husband and I feel that way. But there's not much we can do about it, especially being we are so against buying stuff and preparing so much for this baby. I just couldn't handle haven'ing to pack up all the baby stuff again if something happened. Heck I don't know if I will be able to deal at all... we'll just hope and pray that everything goes WONDERFULLY! That baby is as close to full term as is healthy for her, and that she will be happy, and healthy, and safe... and be able to come home the way we hope and not the way we fear.
I'm a little sad at times, as is to be expected. And I feel like I'm letting Cole down for not being sad enough... I feel like I'm supposed to be like these women on the sites I'm on who are emotional basket cases years after the loss of their little ones. I'm worried that I'm not dealing with the grief... but maybe I'm dealing with it better than they are... who knows. But I can't understand some people. Some of these women put up a stocking for their lost baby with their living kids stockings... some even buy presents from the dead baby to give to the living kids... some people kinda freak me out on the whole thing. I will probably do something at the anniversary of Cole's loss and on his birthday. Even if it's just me sitting at home being sad. I'm not sure... I'm debating if I should do something, but when you ask these ladies some of them even have birthday parties for the baby (with a cake and all). I don't think that's healthy. I don't think that's healing. I think that it makes them hang onto the loss and doesn't allow them to grow. To heal. I hope I'm not being insensitive. Maybe I am. Maybe I should feel that way, but I can't... I can't dwell... in my head that's giving up. Just like I couldn't hide in my room and weep for weeks after we got home, just like I couldn't stop and just give up... the most giving up I did was not to go back to work. I tried for 2 months then got pregnant, at that point my contract through the agency I was working ended so I just didn't bother trying really hard to find something. Now I didn't stop looking, but to be honest I wasn't as gungho to look and try and get a job as I would have been if I hadn't been going through what I was going through, and hadn't just found out I was pregnant and having insane morning sickness.
I'm scared about everything for this baby. Everything to come, and I have a really hard time believing some days that this baby will actually come home alive. Most days I think everything will be fine, she will be born healthy and everything will be great... or as great as they can be. But somedays I panic that it will just be another heart ache... and I know if this pregnancy doesn't succeed then we won't be trying again. I know this for sure. I know that both my husband and I couldn't deal with the stress of trying a third time and I'd be worried our relationship couldn't deal with that pain again. I know we'd probably try for adoption or something of the sort, but not to be pregnant again.
So, I'll stop this long winded depressing blog and ask for all the hope and prayers from whatever Gods you may believe in... and I'll try to be positive and hopeful... She will be happy and healthy and safe and strong and come home so I can watch her grow up and be part of her life..... That's the mantra at the moment....
Dec 23, 2010
BAKING....
This week I've been a baking machine. I think it helps me stay in the holiday spirit and not be totally depressed. I can't help but being sad most days, and yesterday was right up there. But I'm feeling good today so we'll see if this mood manages to last the day or if it's going to falter at some point.
Yesterday was hard. We had gotten in a check from the government for our HST and decided to get small gifts for family members. We couldn't decide on what to get Polar Bear's dad so we got a nice table frame and put a picture of Cole's foot and our hands on one side and one or our wedding pics on the other. It looks really nice but trying to get the pictures ready was hard. It meant I had to go through the pics from NILMDTS, which are beautiful but I totally avoid doing being they make me sad. I keep thinking one day I'll get them printed for me and make a scrapbook, or more like finish the scrapbook that I had started for him before he was born. In it all there is is his ultrasound pics. I have everything in boxes and around to put in it but just can't bring myself to go through it.
My husband thinks I'll never get it done. I may after this baby's born.... or I may ask a friend to do it for me... or at least help me do it... I don't know. I feel I should do it myself and that I'm letting Cole down in some way if I don't but at the same time I have such a hard time looking and going through the stuff that I'm not sure I'll be able to do it.
I'll have to wait on that, maybe in time I'll be able to tackle that project. Maybe.
For now it's cookies! Today's plan is sugar cookies... homemade pizza pockets... and tea biscuits! WOOT! Happy baking everyone!
Yesterday was hard. We had gotten in a check from the government for our HST and decided to get small gifts for family members. We couldn't decide on what to get Polar Bear's dad so we got a nice table frame and put a picture of Cole's foot and our hands on one side and one or our wedding pics on the other. It looks really nice but trying to get the pictures ready was hard. It meant I had to go through the pics from NILMDTS, which are beautiful but I totally avoid doing being they make me sad. I keep thinking one day I'll get them printed for me and make a scrapbook, or more like finish the scrapbook that I had started for him before he was born. In it all there is is his ultrasound pics. I have everything in boxes and around to put in it but just can't bring myself to go through it.
My husband thinks I'll never get it done. I may after this baby's born.... or I may ask a friend to do it for me... or at least help me do it... I don't know. I feel I should do it myself and that I'm letting Cole down in some way if I don't but at the same time I have such a hard time looking and going through the stuff that I'm not sure I'll be able to do it.
I'll have to wait on that, maybe in time I'll be able to tackle that project. Maybe.
For now it's cookies! Today's plan is sugar cookies... homemade pizza pockets... and tea biscuits! WOOT! Happy baking everyone!
Dec 21, 2010
Tis the season...
The holiday season is always worst without the ones you love. Especially when you know that you'll never get them back. I wake up each morning lately in a bit of a panic about whether the baby's moving and ok. I know I can't do anything about it if the baby wasn't but I can't help but worry. I lay in bed and wait and then I feel a kick and I'm ok for a while longer, to either go back to sleep or get up and start the day.
I'm sad every day lately, I perk up in the afternoon, but underneath my happy exterior I could easily cry if someone says the wrong thing.
The holidays suck for those who have lost.... Hugs to all who are in the same boat.
I'm sad every day lately, I perk up in the afternoon, but underneath my happy exterior I could easily cry if someone says the wrong thing.
The holidays suck for those who have lost.... Hugs to all who are in the same boat.
Dec 20, 2010
Monday
Why is it when you actually want to do something specific on the internet, especially government sites, they always seem to be down.
My husband has been told all we need to do is reapply for EI and they will re-start his old claim and put through the new one so it's there when the old one runs out. Which is AWESOME, but means I need to get onto the actual site to apply and it's been down all morning, GAH! I'm not too worried, it'll get done sometime today or tomorrow.
Had a fairly decent weekend. Was feeling off on Friday and my husband was feeling off on Saturday. It's normal, this holiday thing with kids and people and stuff sucks. I have no money, don't really want to see too many people and no kid. Honestly most days I'm ok, but yesterday was 10mths since Cole passed, which is why we feel off sometime during the weekend. I find every month around the 17th to the 24th I feel off. I just don't really want to do anything, and if I do end up wanting to do stuff I want to be really busy.
Friday night I had a good time seeing friends that I haven't seen regularly in a while. If it wouldn't have been as low key as it was I don't know if I would have went. It has nothing to do with the people or anything I just barely got myself out of bed on Friday. I was really not in the mood to go out and be around a large crowd so being it was at a friends house and just a few of us worked out really good.
I need to get a whole bunch of crap done for this week and next. Hopefully it'll all get done in time :)
My husband has been told all we need to do is reapply for EI and they will re-start his old claim and put through the new one so it's there when the old one runs out. Which is AWESOME, but means I need to get onto the actual site to apply and it's been down all morning, GAH! I'm not too worried, it'll get done sometime today or tomorrow.
Had a fairly decent weekend. Was feeling off on Friday and my husband was feeling off on Saturday. It's normal, this holiday thing with kids and people and stuff sucks. I have no money, don't really want to see too many people and no kid. Honestly most days I'm ok, but yesterday was 10mths since Cole passed, which is why we feel off sometime during the weekend. I find every month around the 17th to the 24th I feel off. I just don't really want to do anything, and if I do end up wanting to do stuff I want to be really busy.
Friday night I had a good time seeing friends that I haven't seen regularly in a while. If it wouldn't have been as low key as it was I don't know if I would have went. It has nothing to do with the people or anything I just barely got myself out of bed on Friday. I was really not in the mood to go out and be around a large crowd so being it was at a friends house and just a few of us worked out really good.
I need to get a whole bunch of crap done for this week and next. Hopefully it'll all get done in time :)
Dec 17, 2010
I'm tired
I don't know why but today I'm tired and can tell I could easily become cranky without much effort. I had a crappy sleep last night, I slept but had weird dreams all night and that was that restful. I don't really know what's going on in my head so it doesn't help make me feel more restful.
My sick household is mostly healthy again. But I need to actually get motivated to change the sheets and everything in the house being the room still smells sicky. But I'm happy for a healthy husband and that I never caught what he had.
I feel drained. I'm sick of worrying about everything. It drives me nuts, I try really hard not to be a worrier but I seem to fail most of the time. I'm worried about money, I'm worried about bills, I'm worried about groceries, I'm worried about christmas, I'm worried about my husband (who doesn't do well when laid off) and of course I'm always worried about the baby. I know that I'm probably focusing on my other worries more so I can avoid the constant baby worry, but it's always there in the back of my head. I can't help but worry. I'm trying so hard to be hopeful and positive but it's just not that easy some days. You can't help but prepare yourself for the absolute worst and in some ways have a hard time believing that the worst won't happen. Maybe it's just personal experience that clouds everything, but it's hard to be positive when you haven't actually experienced the positive.
There are a TON of pregnant women around. It seems like everywhere I go there's at least one. And they're happy and excited and planning. I feel like I missed something. My family does these big things for baby showers and I feel like I'm missing it all cause I'm too nervous and easily upset. It's annoying.
I'll just keep going on the idea that at some point I'll be able to be excited and happy without worry. (I'll have a whole new set of worries) And maybe I'll be able to experience some of the other joys after the baby's here.
My sick household is mostly healthy again. But I need to actually get motivated to change the sheets and everything in the house being the room still smells sicky. But I'm happy for a healthy husband and that I never caught what he had.
I feel drained. I'm sick of worrying about everything. It drives me nuts, I try really hard not to be a worrier but I seem to fail most of the time. I'm worried about money, I'm worried about bills, I'm worried about groceries, I'm worried about christmas, I'm worried about my husband (who doesn't do well when laid off) and of course I'm always worried about the baby. I know that I'm probably focusing on my other worries more so I can avoid the constant baby worry, but it's always there in the back of my head. I can't help but worry. I'm trying so hard to be hopeful and positive but it's just not that easy some days. You can't help but prepare yourself for the absolute worst and in some ways have a hard time believing that the worst won't happen. Maybe it's just personal experience that clouds everything, but it's hard to be positive when you haven't actually experienced the positive.
There are a TON of pregnant women around. It seems like everywhere I go there's at least one. And they're happy and excited and planning. I feel like I missed something. My family does these big things for baby showers and I feel like I'm missing it all cause I'm too nervous and easily upset. It's annoying.
I'll just keep going on the idea that at some point I'll be able to be excited and happy without worry. (I'll have a whole new set of worries) And maybe I'll be able to experience some of the other joys after the baby's here.
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