This week I've been a baking machine. I think it helps me stay in the holiday spirit and not be totally depressed. I can't help but being sad most days, and yesterday was right up there. But I'm feeling good today so we'll see if this mood manages to last the day or if it's going to falter at some point.
Yesterday was hard. We had gotten in a check from the government for our HST and decided to get small gifts for family members. We couldn't decide on what to get Polar Bear's dad so we got a nice table frame and put a picture of Cole's foot and our hands on one side and one or our wedding pics on the other. It looks really nice but trying to get the pictures ready was hard. It meant I had to go through the pics from NILMDTS, which are beautiful but I totally avoid doing being they make me sad. I keep thinking one day I'll get them printed for me and make a scrapbook, or more like finish the scrapbook that I had started for him before he was born. In it all there is is his ultrasound pics. I have everything in boxes and around to put in it but just can't bring myself to go through it.
My husband thinks I'll never get it done. I may after this baby's born.... or I may ask a friend to do it for me... or at least help me do it... I don't know. I feel I should do it myself and that I'm letting Cole down in some way if I don't but at the same time I have such a hard time looking and going through the stuff that I'm not sure I'll be able to do it.
I'll have to wait on that, maybe in time I'll be able to tackle that project. Maybe.
For now it's cookies! Today's plan is sugar cookies... homemade pizza pockets... and tea biscuits! WOOT! Happy baking everyone!
Dec 23, 2010
Dec 21, 2010
Tis the season...
The holiday season is always worst without the ones you love. Especially when you know that you'll never get them back. I wake up each morning lately in a bit of a panic about whether the baby's moving and ok. I know I can't do anything about it if the baby wasn't but I can't help but worry. I lay in bed and wait and then I feel a kick and I'm ok for a while longer, to either go back to sleep or get up and start the day.
I'm sad every day lately, I perk up in the afternoon, but underneath my happy exterior I could easily cry if someone says the wrong thing.
The holidays suck for those who have lost.... Hugs to all who are in the same boat.
I'm sad every day lately, I perk up in the afternoon, but underneath my happy exterior I could easily cry if someone says the wrong thing.
The holidays suck for those who have lost.... Hugs to all who are in the same boat.
Dec 20, 2010
Monday
Why is it when you actually want to do something specific on the internet, especially government sites, they always seem to be down.
My husband has been told all we need to do is reapply for EI and they will re-start his old claim and put through the new one so it's there when the old one runs out. Which is AWESOME, but means I need to get onto the actual site to apply and it's been down all morning, GAH! I'm not too worried, it'll get done sometime today or tomorrow.
Had a fairly decent weekend. Was feeling off on Friday and my husband was feeling off on Saturday. It's normal, this holiday thing with kids and people and stuff sucks. I have no money, don't really want to see too many people and no kid. Honestly most days I'm ok, but yesterday was 10mths since Cole passed, which is why we feel off sometime during the weekend. I find every month around the 17th to the 24th I feel off. I just don't really want to do anything, and if I do end up wanting to do stuff I want to be really busy.
Friday night I had a good time seeing friends that I haven't seen regularly in a while. If it wouldn't have been as low key as it was I don't know if I would have went. It has nothing to do with the people or anything I just barely got myself out of bed on Friday. I was really not in the mood to go out and be around a large crowd so being it was at a friends house and just a few of us worked out really good.
I need to get a whole bunch of crap done for this week and next. Hopefully it'll all get done in time :)
My husband has been told all we need to do is reapply for EI and they will re-start his old claim and put through the new one so it's there when the old one runs out. Which is AWESOME, but means I need to get onto the actual site to apply and it's been down all morning, GAH! I'm not too worried, it'll get done sometime today or tomorrow.
Had a fairly decent weekend. Was feeling off on Friday and my husband was feeling off on Saturday. It's normal, this holiday thing with kids and people and stuff sucks. I have no money, don't really want to see too many people and no kid. Honestly most days I'm ok, but yesterday was 10mths since Cole passed, which is why we feel off sometime during the weekend. I find every month around the 17th to the 24th I feel off. I just don't really want to do anything, and if I do end up wanting to do stuff I want to be really busy.
Friday night I had a good time seeing friends that I haven't seen regularly in a while. If it wouldn't have been as low key as it was I don't know if I would have went. It has nothing to do with the people or anything I just barely got myself out of bed on Friday. I was really not in the mood to go out and be around a large crowd so being it was at a friends house and just a few of us worked out really good.
I need to get a whole bunch of crap done for this week and next. Hopefully it'll all get done in time :)
Dec 17, 2010
I'm tired
I don't know why but today I'm tired and can tell I could easily become cranky without much effort. I had a crappy sleep last night, I slept but had weird dreams all night and that was that restful. I don't really know what's going on in my head so it doesn't help make me feel more restful.
My sick household is mostly healthy again. But I need to actually get motivated to change the sheets and everything in the house being the room still smells sicky. But I'm happy for a healthy husband and that I never caught what he had.
I feel drained. I'm sick of worrying about everything. It drives me nuts, I try really hard not to be a worrier but I seem to fail most of the time. I'm worried about money, I'm worried about bills, I'm worried about groceries, I'm worried about christmas, I'm worried about my husband (who doesn't do well when laid off) and of course I'm always worried about the baby. I know that I'm probably focusing on my other worries more so I can avoid the constant baby worry, but it's always there in the back of my head. I can't help but worry. I'm trying so hard to be hopeful and positive but it's just not that easy some days. You can't help but prepare yourself for the absolute worst and in some ways have a hard time believing that the worst won't happen. Maybe it's just personal experience that clouds everything, but it's hard to be positive when you haven't actually experienced the positive.
There are a TON of pregnant women around. It seems like everywhere I go there's at least one. And they're happy and excited and planning. I feel like I missed something. My family does these big things for baby showers and I feel like I'm missing it all cause I'm too nervous and easily upset. It's annoying.
I'll just keep going on the idea that at some point I'll be able to be excited and happy without worry. (I'll have a whole new set of worries) And maybe I'll be able to experience some of the other joys after the baby's here.
My sick household is mostly healthy again. But I need to actually get motivated to change the sheets and everything in the house being the room still smells sicky. But I'm happy for a healthy husband and that I never caught what he had.
I feel drained. I'm sick of worrying about everything. It drives me nuts, I try really hard not to be a worrier but I seem to fail most of the time. I'm worried about money, I'm worried about bills, I'm worried about groceries, I'm worried about christmas, I'm worried about my husband (who doesn't do well when laid off) and of course I'm always worried about the baby. I know that I'm probably focusing on my other worries more so I can avoid the constant baby worry, but it's always there in the back of my head. I can't help but worry. I'm trying so hard to be hopeful and positive but it's just not that easy some days. You can't help but prepare yourself for the absolute worst and in some ways have a hard time believing that the worst won't happen. Maybe it's just personal experience that clouds everything, but it's hard to be positive when you haven't actually experienced the positive.
There are a TON of pregnant women around. It seems like everywhere I go there's at least one. And they're happy and excited and planning. I feel like I missed something. My family does these big things for baby showers and I feel like I'm missing it all cause I'm too nervous and easily upset. It's annoying.
I'll just keep going on the idea that at some point I'll be able to be excited and happy without worry. (I'll have a whole new set of worries) And maybe I'll be able to experience some of the other joys after the baby's here.
Dec 15, 2010
Sick people
We have managed to avoid it so far, but today we were hit by the sick bug.
Yesterday we helps watch a friends boy cause she had food poisoning... well today we find out it's not food poisoning. Polar Bear got his hard, so he's in bed and running back and forth to the washroom :(.
Here's hoping I don't get it... I think I'll stay downstairs and avoid the sick room today!
Yesterday we helps watch a friends boy cause she had food poisoning... well today we find out it's not food poisoning. Polar Bear got his hard, so he's in bed and running back and forth to the washroom :(.
Here's hoping I don't get it... I think I'll stay downstairs and avoid the sick room today!
Dec 14, 2010
Money = Stress
Some days I hate money. I hate the fact that you always need more of it, and that just when you think you are getting ahead you realize just how far behind you actually are.
Polar Bear's laid off, I know this was expected, but it doesn't make it any easier. We are waiting for the papers then he'll fill out EI but I'm really not sure if his EI will cut it this year. We have had no money for the past year with everything that went on, have used up all our savings, all our resources and have borrowed from family and friends to the point that we refuse to borrow any more. I am hoping that the places that he has applied to, and continues to apply to, will actually be able to give him a job that may support us through the winter. We just need to make it to April/May, then he'll be back at work and everything should be fine. I'll say Will be fine instead... lets try this positive thinking thing my mom likes so much... will be fine!
Bills suck! Payments suck... we've been doing the rolling bill thing... where we choose which bill we have enough money for but make sure we put something on to everything so that they won't complain. Some bills are easy to keep up, others not so much.
I know that things will work out... we just need to get through Dec, and maybe Jan, then he'll have something. Even if it's only a little EI and working for family or something. It just sucks! I wish I could post-pone Christmas till July, by then we should be caught up, the baby will be here and everything should be good. In July, hopefully, we'll be able to pay everyone we owe money too back and be able to start putting away for savings.
I don't want to vent or state my concerns to Polar Bear, being he already knows them and has his own. I'm sure it'll work out.
I just hate not having money to do stuff, and I feel like I'm not contributing at all. I'm pregnant... so who wants to hire a pregnant woman? Also, we had agreed that I shouldn't work due to the loss of Cole and my ever increasing stress and paranoia. So that's all fine and dandy but I'm not used to not supporting myself. To trusting in someone else completely to support me.
Maybe all these issues are my own anxieties with Christmas and Baby being redirected to something else. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it! I know he will find something, that everything will be fine and that my worrying will be for nothing... here's hoping that that is true :)
Polar Bear's laid off, I know this was expected, but it doesn't make it any easier. We are waiting for the papers then he'll fill out EI but I'm really not sure if his EI will cut it this year. We have had no money for the past year with everything that went on, have used up all our savings, all our resources and have borrowed from family and friends to the point that we refuse to borrow any more. I am hoping that the places that he has applied to, and continues to apply to, will actually be able to give him a job that may support us through the winter. We just need to make it to April/May, then he'll be back at work and everything should be fine. I'll say Will be fine instead... lets try this positive thinking thing my mom likes so much... will be fine!
Bills suck! Payments suck... we've been doing the rolling bill thing... where we choose which bill we have enough money for but make sure we put something on to everything so that they won't complain. Some bills are easy to keep up, others not so much.
I know that things will work out... we just need to get through Dec, and maybe Jan, then he'll have something. Even if it's only a little EI and working for family or something. It just sucks! I wish I could post-pone Christmas till July, by then we should be caught up, the baby will be here and everything should be good. In July, hopefully, we'll be able to pay everyone we owe money too back and be able to start putting away for savings.
I don't want to vent or state my concerns to Polar Bear, being he already knows them and has his own. I'm sure it'll work out.
I just hate not having money to do stuff, and I feel like I'm not contributing at all. I'm pregnant... so who wants to hire a pregnant woman? Also, we had agreed that I shouldn't work due to the loss of Cole and my ever increasing stress and paranoia. So that's all fine and dandy but I'm not used to not supporting myself. To trusting in someone else completely to support me.
Maybe all these issues are my own anxieties with Christmas and Baby being redirected to something else. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it! I know he will find something, that everything will be fine and that my worrying will be for nothing... here's hoping that that is true :)
Dec 13, 2010
Oh the weather...
So it be snowing (ish) today... right now it's sunny but last night we got some of the white stuff. Polar Bear actually had to go and plow for a few hours... he left around 12:30 - 1ish in the morning and didn't get home till almost 7am. He finds plowing VERY boring, but it's a couple of hours of work, so we won't complain about the money.
Yesterday we went to a bike (as in MOTORCYCLES) show in TO. We just took it slow getting there and back, but it was nice. Have found me a bike that is actually small enough for me to touch the ground and actually comfortable. Now it's just to get the license and the almost 6 grand to actually buy a bike like that. I don't think it'll happen in the next year, I figure my goal is sometime in the next 3 years. It's hard to justify spending money on something like a bike with a baby on the way.
Well this little girl keeps kicking up a storm, which I love and my husband's all excited about. It's a little hard when you're out of the house for a while though. What they say about girls carrying lower than boys is SO TRUE! She's so much lower than Cole was, for Cole I could feel him kicking usually near my belly button or higher. This little monkey is inn the pelvis region so she feels like she's kicking harder being there's less fat there to cushion the kicking and she keeps hitting my bladder!
I've not been doing too too bad with the emotional front (knock on wood) at the moment. I think the fact that we don't have any money and that I'm not doing my usual Christmas helps a lot. Usually we do a big hubbub with the family, but it would just be too much like last year in some ways. Especially being one of my cousin's is pregnant and another has a little boy who was born a few weeks after Cole. I can handle both on their own. Heck I'm getting better at handling being around babies in general (I still haven't tried being around a new born) but to be engulfed by family who are well meaning but may say the wrong thing is not something I want to do. Also being I'm only a few weeks different in my due dates to Cole, I don't really feel like repeating my experiences when I was pregnant with Cole. So instead I'm staying home, having some family here and going for Christmas dinner at my husband's family. And next year, when my little girl is here safe and sound, then maybe I'll be happier to do the whole family hoohaw. I just don't want to deal with a whole bunch of people, with their kids and babies and not have mine here to share!
I actually managed to make cookies last week thanks to a thing called gift cards and all access stores. It's weird buying your baking supplies in Zellers but what can you do about it. I had a $50 gift card from the wedding and managed to buy most of what I need... now all I need in Molasses, Cinnamon and Yeast to finish my Christmas cookie bonanza.. WOOT. (No the yeast is not for cookies... it's for bread, DUH!) Hopefully we may have enough money with pay day this week that I can get those 3 things.
Well hopefully your December is going well so far. I know I can't wait till 2010 is over... it's mostly been a pretty shitty year!
Yesterday we went to a bike (as in MOTORCYCLES) show in TO. We just took it slow getting there and back, but it was nice. Have found me a bike that is actually small enough for me to touch the ground and actually comfortable. Now it's just to get the license and the almost 6 grand to actually buy a bike like that. I don't think it'll happen in the next year, I figure my goal is sometime in the next 3 years. It's hard to justify spending money on something like a bike with a baby on the way.
Well this little girl keeps kicking up a storm, which I love and my husband's all excited about. It's a little hard when you're out of the house for a while though. What they say about girls carrying lower than boys is SO TRUE! She's so much lower than Cole was, for Cole I could feel him kicking usually near my belly button or higher. This little monkey is inn the pelvis region so she feels like she's kicking harder being there's less fat there to cushion the kicking and she keeps hitting my bladder!
I've not been doing too too bad with the emotional front (knock on wood) at the moment. I think the fact that we don't have any money and that I'm not doing my usual Christmas helps a lot. Usually we do a big hubbub with the family, but it would just be too much like last year in some ways. Especially being one of my cousin's is pregnant and another has a little boy who was born a few weeks after Cole. I can handle both on their own. Heck I'm getting better at handling being around babies in general (I still haven't tried being around a new born) but to be engulfed by family who are well meaning but may say the wrong thing is not something I want to do. Also being I'm only a few weeks different in my due dates to Cole, I don't really feel like repeating my experiences when I was pregnant with Cole. So instead I'm staying home, having some family here and going for Christmas dinner at my husband's family. And next year, when my little girl is here safe and sound, then maybe I'll be happier to do the whole family hoohaw. I just don't want to deal with a whole bunch of people, with their kids and babies and not have mine here to share!
I actually managed to make cookies last week thanks to a thing called gift cards and all access stores. It's weird buying your baking supplies in Zellers but what can you do about it. I had a $50 gift card from the wedding and managed to buy most of what I need... now all I need in Molasses, Cinnamon and Yeast to finish my Christmas cookie bonanza.. WOOT. (No the yeast is not for cookies... it's for bread, DUH!) Hopefully we may have enough money with pay day this week that I can get those 3 things.
Well hopefully your December is going well so far. I know I can't wait till 2010 is over... it's mostly been a pretty shitty year!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)