So I was totally going to talk about my barbeque... or rainy day extravaganza... that we had on the weekend. And I may still mention it in passing, but first lets talk about other things.
The Good: I have managed to get myself back into my pre-pre-pregnancy pants! I haven't fit in them in almost 2 years now (with two pregnancies and all). Out of the 3 pairs of pants I have that I'm judging I have managed the low cut ones ('cause the belly goes a little over), and now the higher cut with a little stretch. I only have one more pair to go... the higher cut with no stretch. I am hoping that by the end of summer they will be a success too... YAY!
The Bad: I hate laundry! I have realized that I despise doing laundry in it's full capacity. The problem is that with a baby laundry is an everyday thing, and being I haven't been doing it every day I have quite the pile in my basement. I have to say today was a bad laundry day... Vi went through 4 outfits today, spitting up on one after the other, until I gave up and left her with only a diaper and a bunch of blankets for warmth. I also managed to go through 2 pairs of pants and 2 shirts with the joy of being peed on and spit up on... oh the fun!
The Cranky: My DAUGHTER! When a baby needs to poop or has gas and no matter what you try doesn't settle down, the stress level gets higher and higher. Today it took me quite a few hours and I finally got her to stop crying by laying her on me and giving her her bottle till she decided that sleep was better than eating. Then DID NOT move her to burp her, just held her and rubbed her back. What this means is that when she finally slept I could NOT MOVE. If a baby falls asleep in your arms and cries every time you try and move her, you just stop trying to move her and let her sleep in you arms.
So today was a stressful day. But she is asleep now and so is her Daddy :)
This is another thing I've been dealing with... Side, Back, Belly.
Vi does not sleep on her back... if I manage to get her to sleep on her back it only lasts about 20 to 30 minutes. When I try and prop her on her side she manages to get an arm free and flail it until she moves herself on her belly. So I have given up. She now sleeps almost exclusively on her belly. I know I know... the research says back only. Well my thought is that if so many people survived in past years sleeping on their belly that I'm not going to worry. It just gets stressy when the people go on and on about SIDS and act like you are a bad person for putting your baby on their belly. Well, I've given up on trying her back. She seems happy and it's not like I sleep that soundly anymore anyway lol. She also is now strong enough to turn her head from side to side and push her upper body up with her arms. I also always have her sleeping in our room and her crib is right beside me so I can reach her without getting out of bed. I feel like I'm justifying my decision to people all the time but it's ridiculous. SIDS stands for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.... what that means is... it happens suddenly without any reason. I truly believe they are grasping at straws on the reasons it happens. I know the whole idea of "why risk it" but if she's happy do I really have to make her unhappy by moving her all the time?
So I hope you all have a nice sleep and hopefully so will I.
May 17, 2011
3 Pages
So... 3 pages. That doesn't sound like much but it took me the better part of 2 hours to prepare and write 3 pages... that brings my page total to a whopping 8!
I have now hit a dilema... Dun Dun Dun.... (I love doing that lol).... DIALOGUE.
This issue of Dialogue when writing a story really has me stumped. I'm trying hard not to write like a two year old... "He said blah blah blah, then she said blah blah blah"... GAH! How do you write good convincing dialogue without coming off lame. And how do you make sure your characters have a different voice. And how do I write it so it flows nicely.
This has been the minds dilemma for about 24 hours. I wrote some dialogue and am stumped. I'm also stumped at creating a dialogue between people that doesn't go directly to the point. What I have written I know I'm going to need to change. Now should I leave it and keep writing, and come back to revise it later? Or should I keep tweaking it but suffer with the fact that I may not pass page 8 for a while?
I would guess that continuing to write would be the best method, and when I get more inspired about the depth of the dialogue I should then revise it. Heck I'm sure I'll easily add a page when I revise it, so that will be a whopping 9 instead... oh so close to the elusive page 10.
Now I haven't totally decided the overall length of this story. If it'll be a short story or more novel-ish (or would that be called something else? Maybe a novella??), either way it's difficult to decide. I have most of the plotting for this story, or at least the general idea. But it's my first written story and I always find I lack a bit of immagination.
Well, I'll keep you posted on the intermittent story writing. Other than that my rainy day bbq on the weekend went well. I'll post further on that tomorrow. For now it's late and my bed calls me :)
I have now hit a dilema... Dun Dun Dun.... (I love doing that lol).... DIALOGUE.
This issue of Dialogue when writing a story really has me stumped. I'm trying hard not to write like a two year old... "He said blah blah blah, then she said blah blah blah"... GAH! How do you write good convincing dialogue without coming off lame. And how do you make sure your characters have a different voice. And how do I write it so it flows nicely.
This has been the minds dilemma for about 24 hours. I wrote some dialogue and am stumped. I'm also stumped at creating a dialogue between people that doesn't go directly to the point. What I have written I know I'm going to need to change. Now should I leave it and keep writing, and come back to revise it later? Or should I keep tweaking it but suffer with the fact that I may not pass page 8 for a while?
I would guess that continuing to write would be the best method, and when I get more inspired about the depth of the dialogue I should then revise it. Heck I'm sure I'll easily add a page when I revise it, so that will be a whopping 9 instead... oh so close to the elusive page 10.
Now I haven't totally decided the overall length of this story. If it'll be a short story or more novel-ish (or would that be called something else? Maybe a novella??), either way it's difficult to decide. I have most of the plotting for this story, or at least the general idea. But it's my first written story and I always find I lack a bit of immagination.
Well, I'll keep you posted on the intermittent story writing. Other than that my rainy day bbq on the weekend went well. I'll post further on that tomorrow. For now it's late and my bed calls me :)
May 12, 2011
2 weeks
So it's been almost 2 weeks since I've posted and I have to tell you I'm not doing so hot on the reboot front. I've been dealing a lot with a crazy screaming girl who does not like to settle down between 2 and 6, which puts a hamper in the getting things done category. I've been feeling insanely cluttered lately, in my house, in my stuff and everywhere I go. Part of that is due to baby and dog. It seems like I am unable to sit with the baby without having my sucky dog sitting on or against me too. Add an array of bottles, cups and diaper stuff and it gets to be a lot. I have tried to clean my room MANY times, I get it looking awesome and the next day it seems to explode all over again. My living room's pretty much the same, it becomes spotless and then seems to explode (and don't even get me started with the kitchen). I am starting to get frustrated with those living in my house. It seems like men are incapable of cleaning anything without a woman edging them on. My husband has been pretty good at trying to do the dishes, and between him and the wondrous thing called a dishwasher, that's been pretty successful. But it seems everything else is off limits. I have a room mate and unless his girlfriends around cleaning is not in his vocabulary. Also it seems like other than dishes and the general look men can't seem to clean further. My bathroom is disgusting and since I haven't been able to clean it very often do you think either of them would step up? No.
I think I'm just frustrated because I thought, with the baby here, that they would step up and help out a little more. I guess I should stop assuming that something like that may happen. Instead it's just me trying to do more work on the house, as well as deal with a baby and a dog and the mess that is my house... GAH! I just wish when I clean a room that it would stay clean. All well, I'm as much to blame about the mess as the next person. I just get tired of feeling like people are tisking about the mess when they are unwilling to help do anything about it. I feel like when there is anyone but my husband here they seem to look down at the state of things without realizing the stresses I've been dealing with.
Well I am trying to not use this blog as a bitch fest for my every issue. I seem to have been failing at that. In general everything is going fairly well. I'm home alone most of the time, and am feeling a little secluded by that. Part of it is realizing that my friends are doing stuff and getting together and not inviting me. It's seeming to happen more and more lately. At least this weekend we are hoping to have a barbeque with a bunch of friend :) YAY! I have even bought summery disposable plates :) WOOT! I just hope the weather holds up, they are calling for rain ONLY on the day of the bbq... what's with that! If it rains we are going to try and still have it, it just means I will have a VERY full house, lol. Aside from the seclusion we've been doing okay, Vi is now 9lbs7oz as of last weeks :) She is not so tiny anymore. She's been sleeping longer at night, but is fussing longer about sleeping. So once I finally manage to get her to sleep she's been sleeping an average of 6hrs YAY!!! It's just taking me at least an hour each time to get her to sleep, and she is SO NOT sleeping in the afternoon, and is screaming 'cause she's over tired. GAH! I am still pumping, so she is still getting breast milk, I am starting to get frustrated by it, so it may not last much longer. I really don't want to be pumping through the summer, not fun, but I'll try to keep going as long as possible. Polar Bear is back to work and may have a new job in a few weeks... I'll keep you posted on that :).
On another note, I've been missing Cole a lot these days. I see Vi growing so big and so attentive, she's looking around and interested in things, and I wonder what he would have been like. I'm sad at the idea of not having a boy. I know if I got pregnant again there would be no guarantee of a boy and it would be very stressful, so part of us is not planning on another pregnancy. That makes me sad. We have kind of decided that we will enjoy what we have, but I still feel fail in some ways. But I don't want to risk the possibility of losing another baby due to complications. I'm still upset that I couldn't have a normal pregnancy! I know there are a lot of people out there that are unable to have a normal, and what is normal anyway. But I still feel like I missed something. I've missed some of the excitement and joy of having a pregnancy and a baby. I have never been able to deliver and be able to hold my baby right away, they are always whisked away from me. I don't know if I'm dealing well with this or not. I still feel unable to discuss this with people, it's like the subject gets changed or I don't like making them uncomfortable, so I just keep it to myself. Vi was able to show us just what a healthy baby looks like and just how sick Cole was. This makes me sadder than anything, that we were unable to recognize just how sick he was. ....... yeah....
Well on a happier note. Vi is doing great, she's holding her head up and looks super cute in little dresses and outfits. I'm liking putting her in stuff other than onesies but they are still the easiest. It seems like in no time she'll be boogieing on her own. We have a photo appointment on Sunday to get her some nice pictures done :) Hopefully she'll cooperate and we'll be able to send some out to family and friends.
Well sorry for such a huge post. Hope all is well with you!!!
I think I'm just frustrated because I thought, with the baby here, that they would step up and help out a little more. I guess I should stop assuming that something like that may happen. Instead it's just me trying to do more work on the house, as well as deal with a baby and a dog and the mess that is my house... GAH! I just wish when I clean a room that it would stay clean. All well, I'm as much to blame about the mess as the next person. I just get tired of feeling like people are tisking about the mess when they are unwilling to help do anything about it. I feel like when there is anyone but my husband here they seem to look down at the state of things without realizing the stresses I've been dealing with.
Well I am trying to not use this blog as a bitch fest for my every issue. I seem to have been failing at that. In general everything is going fairly well. I'm home alone most of the time, and am feeling a little secluded by that. Part of it is realizing that my friends are doing stuff and getting together and not inviting me. It's seeming to happen more and more lately. At least this weekend we are hoping to have a barbeque with a bunch of friend :) YAY! I have even bought summery disposable plates :) WOOT! I just hope the weather holds up, they are calling for rain ONLY on the day of the bbq... what's with that! If it rains we are going to try and still have it, it just means I will have a VERY full house, lol. Aside from the seclusion we've been doing okay, Vi is now 9lbs7oz as of last weeks :) She is not so tiny anymore. She's been sleeping longer at night, but is fussing longer about sleeping. So once I finally manage to get her to sleep she's been sleeping an average of 6hrs YAY!!! It's just taking me at least an hour each time to get her to sleep, and she is SO NOT sleeping in the afternoon, and is screaming 'cause she's over tired. GAH! I am still pumping, so she is still getting breast milk, I am starting to get frustrated by it, so it may not last much longer. I really don't want to be pumping through the summer, not fun, but I'll try to keep going as long as possible. Polar Bear is back to work and may have a new job in a few weeks... I'll keep you posted on that :).
On another note, I've been missing Cole a lot these days. I see Vi growing so big and so attentive, she's looking around and interested in things, and I wonder what he would have been like. I'm sad at the idea of not having a boy. I know if I got pregnant again there would be no guarantee of a boy and it would be very stressful, so part of us is not planning on another pregnancy. That makes me sad. We have kind of decided that we will enjoy what we have, but I still feel fail in some ways. But I don't want to risk the possibility of losing another baby due to complications. I'm still upset that I couldn't have a normal pregnancy! I know there are a lot of people out there that are unable to have a normal, and what is normal anyway. But I still feel like I missed something. I've missed some of the excitement and joy of having a pregnancy and a baby. I have never been able to deliver and be able to hold my baby right away, they are always whisked away from me. I don't know if I'm dealing well with this or not. I still feel unable to discuss this with people, it's like the subject gets changed or I don't like making them uncomfortable, so I just keep it to myself. Vi was able to show us just what a healthy baby looks like and just how sick Cole was. This makes me sadder than anything, that we were unable to recognize just how sick he was. ....... yeah....
Well on a happier note. Vi is doing great, she's holding her head up and looks super cute in little dresses and outfits. I'm liking putting her in stuff other than onesies but they are still the easiest. It seems like in no time she'll be boogieing on her own. We have a photo appointment on Sunday to get her some nice pictures done :) Hopefully she'll cooperate and we'll be able to send some out to family and friends.
Well sorry for such a huge post. Hope all is well with you!!!
Apr 28, 2011
Knitting fun
So tonight was knit and chat and I actually managed to mostly finish my second/third project. Why the slash you may say... because it's the third project I've started but the second one I've finished. The second project is a sweater-vest-thingy that I haven't picked up in a few months. I think part of me is just a little more excited to do baby things at the moment, and I know that the stuff for me can wait till later. I only have a limited time to put her into baby stuff, so I'm going to enjoy it :)
I am actually supposed to be working on my taxes, and am very much procrastinating. I have managed to do them once, and forgot something so have to go back and do them all over again. I truly find taxes are a during the day thing, once the sun goes down my math brain starts going to mush! So I will get them done tomorrow, no worries, being both the taxes I'm doing should result in some type of return it's all good :). I really hate doing taxes, I always feel like I'm going to get in trouble even though I'm doing everything right.
Well, I'm off for the night (yeah... right), have a good one
I am actually supposed to be working on my taxes, and am very much procrastinating. I have managed to do them once, and forgot something so have to go back and do them all over again. I truly find taxes are a during the day thing, once the sun goes down my math brain starts going to mush! So I will get them done tomorrow, no worries, being both the taxes I'm doing should result in some type of return it's all good :). I really hate doing taxes, I always feel like I'm going to get in trouble even though I'm doing everything right.
Well, I'm off for the night (yeah... right), have a good one
Apr 26, 2011
Off Track/Reboot!
So I've realized I've fallen off track... What do you mean by this, you may ask (or you may not lol). Well, I was gungho, within reason, to try a whole bunch of new ventures... Baking, Writing (a story and a blog) and such. Well, I've realized I'm a neverfinisher. I seem to start things but unless they are right in front of me I tend to forget or purposely ignore them. I've been lax on the blog writing lately and I haven't even looked at the story I was going to write for a bit. I think I need motivation. I think I've been living in a hazy lull for a while and need to shake the cobwebs out of my head and get on with things.
Now I know that a lot of this is hard with a newborn... she is only 2 months this week and so sleep is mostly non-existent. I do know that without sleep you are bound to be groggy and unmotivated, but I'm a strong believer in energy begets energy. So I need to do something to liven myself up.
So here are the issues I'm having at the moment and want to work on:
1) My body... I know everyone says this but this has to be the first time I've ever seriously said I have an issue with my body. (I know you all hate me now LOL) I'm not saying I've never had issues (mostly in the non-fixable way) as with breast size, teeth, etc.... but to say I'm not happy with the way I'm looking. This hasn't happened much to me. So what to do about it... well I'm thinking I obviously need to work out. I can't fit into most of my clothes and I don't have money to buy new ones. I know I will have to accept some of the changes that have happened due to having kids but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try and do something to make myself feel better. Due to the lack of funding at the moment I will try and work on this from home... maybe workout videos and walking... this had worked before when I was trying for the military (and that's a WHOLE NOTHER STORY lol) so I'm sure it'll work again. What this needs... a plan! If I just say I'm going to workout, well that's a lie. So it means I need to set a plan... What that plan is I will have to think about it. ATM I'm just getting the list together. lol
2) My writing... Know I've never said I was a good writer, heck a lot of my English teachers may confess that I'm a crappy writer. I have a lack of imagination most of the time and end up writing stories that have been done before. So I start them and then get frustrated or find they are too similar to other people's works, so I stop writing only pages into the story. This time I think I've found a concept that is new, or at least new-ish. I'm actually kinda excited about the possibility but am concerned about my lack of writing talent. I really don't want to be one of those crappy authors that people read due to good story but are annoyed due to lack of writing ability. I guess I'll just have to keep going and hopefully it will work out. So the plan... try and schedule time to write... even if it's only 20 minutes a day...
3) My happiness... Now this is the hardest of them all. I have been feeling in a funk for over a year now. I know that I'm allowed to and that circumstances haven't been the best so there's no reason not to be in a funk. However, I am sick of being moody and cranky and upset about everything. I'm sick of the fact that little things bother me, that I've been taking stupid things personally and that I've been generally upset under my veneer of happiness. Due to this I find myself going through the motions. I go through the motions of being happy, I go through the motions of enjoying my daughter and my family, I go through the motions of most things I've been doing. Now why have I been doing this? I think I feel like I'm a burden in someways. That I am no longer supposed to be upset, I should no longer feel like crying over silly stupid shit, that I should be better. I know with my brain that my friends, family and husband all love and care for me but sometimes I just feel left out. I feel like I'm by myself in a house full of people. I feel like I'm really not that important, that I need to make sure everyone else is happy and okay and in doing so I've left myself on the sidelines. I know that if what happened to us happened to others that they would have fallen apart. That I would be beside them for months, maybe even years, when they were having a bad day, or even if they just wanted to get out. But I just can't let myself fall. I know that my happiness needs me to acknowledge that I'm not letting go, that I'm not dealing as I should at the moment, that I haven't dealt with the past few months and instead I'm bottling everything up and pretending it's all good. I also know that it's my husband that is getting the brunt of my moods and my issues and disjointedness. So I am going to try, and it may take some time, to be actually happy. To actually enjoy myself, my house, my husband, my baby, my dog, my family and my friends. I don't really know how I'm going to do this but I may start using this Blog again as it was intended.
Which brings my to :
4) My Blog... I realize I have stopped using it as my therapy, which is what it was intended for, due to my lack of wanting to hurt anybody else. I've been worried that my moods, my thoughts, and my words may offend. That the sole purpose I was planning on writing this will make others feel bad, so I've stopped using it. I've started editing my thoughts and only putting part of the issues out there. I have realized that this may be an issue, and that this is one of the reasons I haven't been writing lately. In my need to hide everything and let everyone know I'm okay, I have forgotten to actually BE OK. I have been trying to hold others hands and reassure them that everything is great by not actually writing how things are but how I think they would want me to tell them they are. (if that makes any sense) So I am going to start using this Blog properly. It was intended to be my monologue, my inner dialogue about the joys and the difficulties of a subsequent pregnancy and child. It was intended to discuss the fact that the hurt of a loss doesn't go away in 3 months, 6 months, 1 year or even longer. But being in my head I felt that everyone would want to see the fairly tale version, the version that after you have your next baby, one that's healthy and alive, then all your hard days just go away. That everything if FINE! Well, everything is not always fine. There is no fairy tale... no magic dust. We all have good days and bad days... and we need to acknowledge both. And I have not been doing that for a while now. So I will restate my original intent :
I do not intend to use this as a medium of online journal writing, nor am I using it to write some great masterpiece. Some of my posts may come off journally but my intent is not for that. Instead I hope and intend to use this forum as a means to work through all the thought, worries and fear... as well as expectations and hopes that I have and will be experiencing in the next few months. This will be my attempt to use a productive medium in order to work through things that I may not be able to express verbally with friends and family, or even to myself. Some posts may be pain ridden, and some may be pure joy. I hope to not dwell on the negative, but to express it and deal with it in order to grow and alleviate some of the constant depression that has surrounded me in the past 10 months. (Nov. 10, 10)
With this intent re-visited I hope to use this Blog for that. For a means to happiness and hopefully this will allow me to combine 3 and 4 into one.
So I will start with these. I will try and write more frequently on here, even if it's only to tell you me work out progress. I think I may make this Blog more accessible to the general populous. Maybe my scope has been too small. Maybe my limiting this to be viewed only by those whom I have met I am limiting the productivity of my Blog. I think we will try to open it up and if I end up getting stupid spam and such then I will limit it again.
Tomorrow is a new day! We must try to put our best foot forward and understand that sometimes there are pot holes.
Now I know that a lot of this is hard with a newborn... she is only 2 months this week and so sleep is mostly non-existent. I do know that without sleep you are bound to be groggy and unmotivated, but I'm a strong believer in energy begets energy. So I need to do something to liven myself up.
So here are the issues I'm having at the moment and want to work on:
1) My body... I know everyone says this but this has to be the first time I've ever seriously said I have an issue with my body. (I know you all hate me now LOL) I'm not saying I've never had issues (mostly in the non-fixable way) as with breast size, teeth, etc.... but to say I'm not happy with the way I'm looking. This hasn't happened much to me. So what to do about it... well I'm thinking I obviously need to work out. I can't fit into most of my clothes and I don't have money to buy new ones. I know I will have to accept some of the changes that have happened due to having kids but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try and do something to make myself feel better. Due to the lack of funding at the moment I will try and work on this from home... maybe workout videos and walking... this had worked before when I was trying for the military (and that's a WHOLE NOTHER STORY lol) so I'm sure it'll work again. What this needs... a plan! If I just say I'm going to workout, well that's a lie. So it means I need to set a plan... What that plan is I will have to think about it. ATM I'm just getting the list together. lol
2) My writing... Know I've never said I was a good writer, heck a lot of my English teachers may confess that I'm a crappy writer. I have a lack of imagination most of the time and end up writing stories that have been done before. So I start them and then get frustrated or find they are too similar to other people's works, so I stop writing only pages into the story. This time I think I've found a concept that is new, or at least new-ish. I'm actually kinda excited about the possibility but am concerned about my lack of writing talent. I really don't want to be one of those crappy authors that people read due to good story but are annoyed due to lack of writing ability. I guess I'll just have to keep going and hopefully it will work out. So the plan... try and schedule time to write... even if it's only 20 minutes a day...
3) My happiness... Now this is the hardest of them all. I have been feeling in a funk for over a year now. I know that I'm allowed to and that circumstances haven't been the best so there's no reason not to be in a funk. However, I am sick of being moody and cranky and upset about everything. I'm sick of the fact that little things bother me, that I've been taking stupid things personally and that I've been generally upset under my veneer of happiness. Due to this I find myself going through the motions. I go through the motions of being happy, I go through the motions of enjoying my daughter and my family, I go through the motions of most things I've been doing. Now why have I been doing this? I think I feel like I'm a burden in someways. That I am no longer supposed to be upset, I should no longer feel like crying over silly stupid shit, that I should be better. I know with my brain that my friends, family and husband all love and care for me but sometimes I just feel left out. I feel like I'm by myself in a house full of people. I feel like I'm really not that important, that I need to make sure everyone else is happy and okay and in doing so I've left myself on the sidelines. I know that if what happened to us happened to others that they would have fallen apart. That I would be beside them for months, maybe even years, when they were having a bad day, or even if they just wanted to get out. But I just can't let myself fall. I know that my happiness needs me to acknowledge that I'm not letting go, that I'm not dealing as I should at the moment, that I haven't dealt with the past few months and instead I'm bottling everything up and pretending it's all good. I also know that it's my husband that is getting the brunt of my moods and my issues and disjointedness. So I am going to try, and it may take some time, to be actually happy. To actually enjoy myself, my house, my husband, my baby, my dog, my family and my friends. I don't really know how I'm going to do this but I may start using this Blog again as it was intended.
Which brings my to :
4) My Blog... I realize I have stopped using it as my therapy, which is what it was intended for, due to my lack of wanting to hurt anybody else. I've been worried that my moods, my thoughts, and my words may offend. That the sole purpose I was planning on writing this will make others feel bad, so I've stopped using it. I've started editing my thoughts and only putting part of the issues out there. I have realized that this may be an issue, and that this is one of the reasons I haven't been writing lately. In my need to hide everything and let everyone know I'm okay, I have forgotten to actually BE OK. I have been trying to hold others hands and reassure them that everything is great by not actually writing how things are but how I think they would want me to tell them they are. (if that makes any sense) So I am going to start using this Blog properly. It was intended to be my monologue, my inner dialogue about the joys and the difficulties of a subsequent pregnancy and child. It was intended to discuss the fact that the hurt of a loss doesn't go away in 3 months, 6 months, 1 year or even longer. But being in my head I felt that everyone would want to see the fairly tale version, the version that after you have your next baby, one that's healthy and alive, then all your hard days just go away. That everything if FINE! Well, everything is not always fine. There is no fairy tale... no magic dust. We all have good days and bad days... and we need to acknowledge both. And I have not been doing that for a while now. So I will restate my original intent :
I do not intend to use this as a medium of online journal writing, nor am I using it to write some great masterpiece. Some of my posts may come off journally but my intent is not for that. Instead I hope and intend to use this forum as a means to work through all the thought, worries and fear... as well as expectations and hopes that I have and will be experiencing in the next few months. This will be my attempt to use a productive medium in order to work through things that I may not be able to express verbally with friends and family, or even to myself. Some posts may be pain ridden, and some may be pure joy. I hope to not dwell on the negative, but to express it and deal with it in order to grow and alleviate some of the constant depression that has surrounded me in the past 10 months. (Nov. 10, 10)
With this intent re-visited I hope to use this Blog for that. For a means to happiness and hopefully this will allow me to combine 3 and 4 into one.
So I will start with these. I will try and write more frequently on here, even if it's only to tell you me work out progress. I think I may make this Blog more accessible to the general populous. Maybe my scope has been too small. Maybe my limiting this to be viewed only by those whom I have met I am limiting the productivity of my Blog. I think we will try to open it up and if I end up getting stupid spam and such then I will limit it again.
Tomorrow is a new day! We must try to put our best foot forward and understand that sometimes there are pot holes.
Apr 25, 2011
Reminiscing
Today is an damp, slightly cloudy day, and I'm feeling a little blah. Not in the way of being depressed, more like I'd like to stay in my PJ's all day and not do anything. When I get into these moods I usually try and keep myself a little busy so that I'm not just wallowing on my couch all day. So today I started adding photo's of myself as a kid onto Facebook. It's funny how the years change and how the times go by... I've looked at pictures of me as baby, a toddler and a kid. I remember how well me and my brother got along. Well, at least most of the time. And I remember the fun we had. Yes there were hard times, there were crappy times, but there were also really good times. Lots of fun with friends and such.
I think today I'll pull out my photo album and scan some of my pictures into the computer. I think it's better to reminisce about the long past sometimes, at least better than the recent past. Some days I sit here and am overwhelmed by the events that have taken place over the past 2 years. The great ups we had, and the devastating downs we had. It makes me appreciate the lull we are having now.
It's Spring... in more than one way. It's the revival of the weather and the sun, but it's also a revival of self. Polar Bear and I have been in a Winter for the past two years. Even with the birth of our daughter we still were in a down... we could see that there was light but it seemed so far away. Now I feel we are approaching a Spring. He should be back to work next week and the weather's making it easier for me to leave the house. Vi is starting to be able to look around a bit more, and trying to hold her head up. And I'm now able to put her into clothes (within reason).
I say let the snow on our hearts start to melt. We will always remember what it was like when it was there but I'm really looking forward to a Summer.
May your spring be filled with those you love and happy moments!
I think today I'll pull out my photo album and scan some of my pictures into the computer. I think it's better to reminisce about the long past sometimes, at least better than the recent past. Some days I sit here and am overwhelmed by the events that have taken place over the past 2 years. The great ups we had, and the devastating downs we had. It makes me appreciate the lull we are having now.
It's Spring... in more than one way. It's the revival of the weather and the sun, but it's also a revival of self. Polar Bear and I have been in a Winter for the past two years. Even with the birth of our daughter we still were in a down... we could see that there was light but it seemed so far away. Now I feel we are approaching a Spring. He should be back to work next week and the weather's making it easier for me to leave the house. Vi is starting to be able to look around a bit more, and trying to hold her head up. And I'm now able to put her into clothes (within reason).
I say let the snow on our hearts start to melt. We will always remember what it was like when it was there but I'm really looking forward to a Summer.
May your spring be filled with those you love and happy moments!
Apr 16, 2011
Friends and Family
So I had a nice friend and family fix this week. Lots of visiting and with the nice weather we can't help but feel good. We even managed to take the dog for a walk. WOOT!
I haven't had a lot of chance to write lately and that has a lot to do with sleep deprivation, baby and life in general. I've been in an up and down mood lately and when I'm up I don't really know what to write about, and when I'm down I don't want to just bitch. The whole point of this was a way to let out the fears and anxieties I was having and I know I'll keep having them, but I think the one's I've been having I've been reluctant to let out.
Anywho, things seem to be going okay so far. I've been trying to take LOTS of pictures of Violet. I think I need to justify that she has been getting bigger and that we are out of the woods in some sense. But they are only little once and if I don't take to pictures I'll be sad that I missed something. The only big thing that I feel I missed was getting pics done of her when she was really little. Being we were in the hospital all my pics of her when she is really small have tubes and other things on her. I know it's not a big deal, just something that I wish we could have done... you know like the Anne Geddes photos. But I've been looking at a lot of them and I think I'll try my hand at doing a cute photo-shoot with my crappy camera (it's not actually crappy, it's just not as fancy as I would like). I've managed some cute pics of her with the dog but I think I need to be a little more creative, so I'll look at other pics online and see what I come up with... mostly what I have in the house and can use.
I was looking at some of her pics from the first few weeks and tried to turn them into black and white. That was a bad idea, it really reminded me of Cole's pics when they are like that. They were both so small!!
So I'll try the new shoot sometime this week... I'll probably not post all of them on Facebook being I want to send announcement cards and I want to use a picture that everyone hasn't already seen. We'll see if I'm successful :)
I haven't had a lot of chance to write lately and that has a lot to do with sleep deprivation, baby and life in general. I've been in an up and down mood lately and when I'm up I don't really know what to write about, and when I'm down I don't want to just bitch. The whole point of this was a way to let out the fears and anxieties I was having and I know I'll keep having them, but I think the one's I've been having I've been reluctant to let out.
Anywho, things seem to be going okay so far. I've been trying to take LOTS of pictures of Violet. I think I need to justify that she has been getting bigger and that we are out of the woods in some sense. But they are only little once and if I don't take to pictures I'll be sad that I missed something. The only big thing that I feel I missed was getting pics done of her when she was really little. Being we were in the hospital all my pics of her when she is really small have tubes and other things on her. I know it's not a big deal, just something that I wish we could have done... you know like the Anne Geddes photos. But I've been looking at a lot of them and I think I'll try my hand at doing a cute photo-shoot with my crappy camera (it's not actually crappy, it's just not as fancy as I would like). I've managed some cute pics of her with the dog but I think I need to be a little more creative, so I'll look at other pics online and see what I come up with... mostly what I have in the house and can use.
I was looking at some of her pics from the first few weeks and tried to turn them into black and white. That was a bad idea, it really reminded me of Cole's pics when they are like that. They were both so small!!
So I'll try the new shoot sometime this week... I'll probably not post all of them on Facebook being I want to send announcement cards and I want to use a picture that everyone hasn't already seen. We'll see if I'm successful :)
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