So tonight was knit and chat and I actually managed to mostly finish my second/third project. Why the slash you may say... because it's the third project I've started but the second one I've finished. The second project is a sweater-vest-thingy that I haven't picked up in a few months. I think part of me is just a little more excited to do baby things at the moment, and I know that the stuff for me can wait till later. I only have a limited time to put her into baby stuff, so I'm going to enjoy it :)
I am actually supposed to be working on my taxes, and am very much procrastinating. I have managed to do them once, and forgot something so have to go back and do them all over again. I truly find taxes are a during the day thing, once the sun goes down my math brain starts going to mush! So I will get them done tomorrow, no worries, being both the taxes I'm doing should result in some type of return it's all good :). I really hate doing taxes, I always feel like I'm going to get in trouble even though I'm doing everything right.
Well, I'm off for the night (yeah... right), have a good one
Apr 28, 2011
Apr 26, 2011
Off Track/Reboot!
So I've realized I've fallen off track... What do you mean by this, you may ask (or you may not lol). Well, I was gungho, within reason, to try a whole bunch of new ventures... Baking, Writing (a story and a blog) and such. Well, I've realized I'm a neverfinisher. I seem to start things but unless they are right in front of me I tend to forget or purposely ignore them. I've been lax on the blog writing lately and I haven't even looked at the story I was going to write for a bit. I think I need motivation. I think I've been living in a hazy lull for a while and need to shake the cobwebs out of my head and get on with things.
Now I know that a lot of this is hard with a newborn... she is only 2 months this week and so sleep is mostly non-existent. I do know that without sleep you are bound to be groggy and unmotivated, but I'm a strong believer in energy begets energy. So I need to do something to liven myself up.
So here are the issues I'm having at the moment and want to work on:
1) My body... I know everyone says this but this has to be the first time I've ever seriously said I have an issue with my body. (I know you all hate me now LOL) I'm not saying I've never had issues (mostly in the non-fixable way) as with breast size, teeth, etc.... but to say I'm not happy with the way I'm looking. This hasn't happened much to me. So what to do about it... well I'm thinking I obviously need to work out. I can't fit into most of my clothes and I don't have money to buy new ones. I know I will have to accept some of the changes that have happened due to having kids but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try and do something to make myself feel better. Due to the lack of funding at the moment I will try and work on this from home... maybe workout videos and walking... this had worked before when I was trying for the military (and that's a WHOLE NOTHER STORY lol) so I'm sure it'll work again. What this needs... a plan! If I just say I'm going to workout, well that's a lie. So it means I need to set a plan... What that plan is I will have to think about it. ATM I'm just getting the list together. lol
2) My writing... Know I've never said I was a good writer, heck a lot of my English teachers may confess that I'm a crappy writer. I have a lack of imagination most of the time and end up writing stories that have been done before. So I start them and then get frustrated or find they are too similar to other people's works, so I stop writing only pages into the story. This time I think I've found a concept that is new, or at least new-ish. I'm actually kinda excited about the possibility but am concerned about my lack of writing talent. I really don't want to be one of those crappy authors that people read due to good story but are annoyed due to lack of writing ability. I guess I'll just have to keep going and hopefully it will work out. So the plan... try and schedule time to write... even if it's only 20 minutes a day...
3) My happiness... Now this is the hardest of them all. I have been feeling in a funk for over a year now. I know that I'm allowed to and that circumstances haven't been the best so there's no reason not to be in a funk. However, I am sick of being moody and cranky and upset about everything. I'm sick of the fact that little things bother me, that I've been taking stupid things personally and that I've been generally upset under my veneer of happiness. Due to this I find myself going through the motions. I go through the motions of being happy, I go through the motions of enjoying my daughter and my family, I go through the motions of most things I've been doing. Now why have I been doing this? I think I feel like I'm a burden in someways. That I am no longer supposed to be upset, I should no longer feel like crying over silly stupid shit, that I should be better. I know with my brain that my friends, family and husband all love and care for me but sometimes I just feel left out. I feel like I'm by myself in a house full of people. I feel like I'm really not that important, that I need to make sure everyone else is happy and okay and in doing so I've left myself on the sidelines. I know that if what happened to us happened to others that they would have fallen apart. That I would be beside them for months, maybe even years, when they were having a bad day, or even if they just wanted to get out. But I just can't let myself fall. I know that my happiness needs me to acknowledge that I'm not letting go, that I'm not dealing as I should at the moment, that I haven't dealt with the past few months and instead I'm bottling everything up and pretending it's all good. I also know that it's my husband that is getting the brunt of my moods and my issues and disjointedness. So I am going to try, and it may take some time, to be actually happy. To actually enjoy myself, my house, my husband, my baby, my dog, my family and my friends. I don't really know how I'm going to do this but I may start using this Blog again as it was intended.
Which brings my to :
4) My Blog... I realize I have stopped using it as my therapy, which is what it was intended for, due to my lack of wanting to hurt anybody else. I've been worried that my moods, my thoughts, and my words may offend. That the sole purpose I was planning on writing this will make others feel bad, so I've stopped using it. I've started editing my thoughts and only putting part of the issues out there. I have realized that this may be an issue, and that this is one of the reasons I haven't been writing lately. In my need to hide everything and let everyone know I'm okay, I have forgotten to actually BE OK. I have been trying to hold others hands and reassure them that everything is great by not actually writing how things are but how I think they would want me to tell them they are. (if that makes any sense) So I am going to start using this Blog properly. It was intended to be my monologue, my inner dialogue about the joys and the difficulties of a subsequent pregnancy and child. It was intended to discuss the fact that the hurt of a loss doesn't go away in 3 months, 6 months, 1 year or even longer. But being in my head I felt that everyone would want to see the fairly tale version, the version that after you have your next baby, one that's healthy and alive, then all your hard days just go away. That everything if FINE! Well, everything is not always fine. There is no fairy tale... no magic dust. We all have good days and bad days... and we need to acknowledge both. And I have not been doing that for a while now. So I will restate my original intent :
I do not intend to use this as a medium of online journal writing, nor am I using it to write some great masterpiece. Some of my posts may come off journally but my intent is not for that. Instead I hope and intend to use this forum as a means to work through all the thought, worries and fear... as well as expectations and hopes that I have and will be experiencing in the next few months. This will be my attempt to use a productive medium in order to work through things that I may not be able to express verbally with friends and family, or even to myself. Some posts may be pain ridden, and some may be pure joy. I hope to not dwell on the negative, but to express it and deal with it in order to grow and alleviate some of the constant depression that has surrounded me in the past 10 months. (Nov. 10, 10)
With this intent re-visited I hope to use this Blog for that. For a means to happiness and hopefully this will allow me to combine 3 and 4 into one.
So I will start with these. I will try and write more frequently on here, even if it's only to tell you me work out progress. I think I may make this Blog more accessible to the general populous. Maybe my scope has been too small. Maybe my limiting this to be viewed only by those whom I have met I am limiting the productivity of my Blog. I think we will try to open it up and if I end up getting stupid spam and such then I will limit it again.
Tomorrow is a new day! We must try to put our best foot forward and understand that sometimes there are pot holes.
Now I know that a lot of this is hard with a newborn... she is only 2 months this week and so sleep is mostly non-existent. I do know that without sleep you are bound to be groggy and unmotivated, but I'm a strong believer in energy begets energy. So I need to do something to liven myself up.
So here are the issues I'm having at the moment and want to work on:
1) My body... I know everyone says this but this has to be the first time I've ever seriously said I have an issue with my body. (I know you all hate me now LOL) I'm not saying I've never had issues (mostly in the non-fixable way) as with breast size, teeth, etc.... but to say I'm not happy with the way I'm looking. This hasn't happened much to me. So what to do about it... well I'm thinking I obviously need to work out. I can't fit into most of my clothes and I don't have money to buy new ones. I know I will have to accept some of the changes that have happened due to having kids but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try and do something to make myself feel better. Due to the lack of funding at the moment I will try and work on this from home... maybe workout videos and walking... this had worked before when I was trying for the military (and that's a WHOLE NOTHER STORY lol) so I'm sure it'll work again. What this needs... a plan! If I just say I'm going to workout, well that's a lie. So it means I need to set a plan... What that plan is I will have to think about it. ATM I'm just getting the list together. lol
2) My writing... Know I've never said I was a good writer, heck a lot of my English teachers may confess that I'm a crappy writer. I have a lack of imagination most of the time and end up writing stories that have been done before. So I start them and then get frustrated or find they are too similar to other people's works, so I stop writing only pages into the story. This time I think I've found a concept that is new, or at least new-ish. I'm actually kinda excited about the possibility but am concerned about my lack of writing talent. I really don't want to be one of those crappy authors that people read due to good story but are annoyed due to lack of writing ability. I guess I'll just have to keep going and hopefully it will work out. So the plan... try and schedule time to write... even if it's only 20 minutes a day...
3) My happiness... Now this is the hardest of them all. I have been feeling in a funk for over a year now. I know that I'm allowed to and that circumstances haven't been the best so there's no reason not to be in a funk. However, I am sick of being moody and cranky and upset about everything. I'm sick of the fact that little things bother me, that I've been taking stupid things personally and that I've been generally upset under my veneer of happiness. Due to this I find myself going through the motions. I go through the motions of being happy, I go through the motions of enjoying my daughter and my family, I go through the motions of most things I've been doing. Now why have I been doing this? I think I feel like I'm a burden in someways. That I am no longer supposed to be upset, I should no longer feel like crying over silly stupid shit, that I should be better. I know with my brain that my friends, family and husband all love and care for me but sometimes I just feel left out. I feel like I'm by myself in a house full of people. I feel like I'm really not that important, that I need to make sure everyone else is happy and okay and in doing so I've left myself on the sidelines. I know that if what happened to us happened to others that they would have fallen apart. That I would be beside them for months, maybe even years, when they were having a bad day, or even if they just wanted to get out. But I just can't let myself fall. I know that my happiness needs me to acknowledge that I'm not letting go, that I'm not dealing as I should at the moment, that I haven't dealt with the past few months and instead I'm bottling everything up and pretending it's all good. I also know that it's my husband that is getting the brunt of my moods and my issues and disjointedness. So I am going to try, and it may take some time, to be actually happy. To actually enjoy myself, my house, my husband, my baby, my dog, my family and my friends. I don't really know how I'm going to do this but I may start using this Blog again as it was intended.
Which brings my to :
4) My Blog... I realize I have stopped using it as my therapy, which is what it was intended for, due to my lack of wanting to hurt anybody else. I've been worried that my moods, my thoughts, and my words may offend. That the sole purpose I was planning on writing this will make others feel bad, so I've stopped using it. I've started editing my thoughts and only putting part of the issues out there. I have realized that this may be an issue, and that this is one of the reasons I haven't been writing lately. In my need to hide everything and let everyone know I'm okay, I have forgotten to actually BE OK. I have been trying to hold others hands and reassure them that everything is great by not actually writing how things are but how I think they would want me to tell them they are. (if that makes any sense) So I am going to start using this Blog properly. It was intended to be my monologue, my inner dialogue about the joys and the difficulties of a subsequent pregnancy and child. It was intended to discuss the fact that the hurt of a loss doesn't go away in 3 months, 6 months, 1 year or even longer. But being in my head I felt that everyone would want to see the fairly tale version, the version that after you have your next baby, one that's healthy and alive, then all your hard days just go away. That everything if FINE! Well, everything is not always fine. There is no fairy tale... no magic dust. We all have good days and bad days... and we need to acknowledge both. And I have not been doing that for a while now. So I will restate my original intent :
I do not intend to use this as a medium of online journal writing, nor am I using it to write some great masterpiece. Some of my posts may come off journally but my intent is not for that. Instead I hope and intend to use this forum as a means to work through all the thought, worries and fear... as well as expectations and hopes that I have and will be experiencing in the next few months. This will be my attempt to use a productive medium in order to work through things that I may not be able to express verbally with friends and family, or even to myself. Some posts may be pain ridden, and some may be pure joy. I hope to not dwell on the negative, but to express it and deal with it in order to grow and alleviate some of the constant depression that has surrounded me in the past 10 months. (Nov. 10, 10)
With this intent re-visited I hope to use this Blog for that. For a means to happiness and hopefully this will allow me to combine 3 and 4 into one.
So I will start with these. I will try and write more frequently on here, even if it's only to tell you me work out progress. I think I may make this Blog more accessible to the general populous. Maybe my scope has been too small. Maybe my limiting this to be viewed only by those whom I have met I am limiting the productivity of my Blog. I think we will try to open it up and if I end up getting stupid spam and such then I will limit it again.
Tomorrow is a new day! We must try to put our best foot forward and understand that sometimes there are pot holes.
Apr 25, 2011
Reminiscing
Today is an damp, slightly cloudy day, and I'm feeling a little blah. Not in the way of being depressed, more like I'd like to stay in my PJ's all day and not do anything. When I get into these moods I usually try and keep myself a little busy so that I'm not just wallowing on my couch all day. So today I started adding photo's of myself as a kid onto Facebook. It's funny how the years change and how the times go by... I've looked at pictures of me as baby, a toddler and a kid. I remember how well me and my brother got along. Well, at least most of the time. And I remember the fun we had. Yes there were hard times, there were crappy times, but there were also really good times. Lots of fun with friends and such.
I think today I'll pull out my photo album and scan some of my pictures into the computer. I think it's better to reminisce about the long past sometimes, at least better than the recent past. Some days I sit here and am overwhelmed by the events that have taken place over the past 2 years. The great ups we had, and the devastating downs we had. It makes me appreciate the lull we are having now.
It's Spring... in more than one way. It's the revival of the weather and the sun, but it's also a revival of self. Polar Bear and I have been in a Winter for the past two years. Even with the birth of our daughter we still were in a down... we could see that there was light but it seemed so far away. Now I feel we are approaching a Spring. He should be back to work next week and the weather's making it easier for me to leave the house. Vi is starting to be able to look around a bit more, and trying to hold her head up. And I'm now able to put her into clothes (within reason).
I say let the snow on our hearts start to melt. We will always remember what it was like when it was there but I'm really looking forward to a Summer.
May your spring be filled with those you love and happy moments!
I think today I'll pull out my photo album and scan some of my pictures into the computer. I think it's better to reminisce about the long past sometimes, at least better than the recent past. Some days I sit here and am overwhelmed by the events that have taken place over the past 2 years. The great ups we had, and the devastating downs we had. It makes me appreciate the lull we are having now.
It's Spring... in more than one way. It's the revival of the weather and the sun, but it's also a revival of self. Polar Bear and I have been in a Winter for the past two years. Even with the birth of our daughter we still were in a down... we could see that there was light but it seemed so far away. Now I feel we are approaching a Spring. He should be back to work next week and the weather's making it easier for me to leave the house. Vi is starting to be able to look around a bit more, and trying to hold her head up. And I'm now able to put her into clothes (within reason).
I say let the snow on our hearts start to melt. We will always remember what it was like when it was there but I'm really looking forward to a Summer.
May your spring be filled with those you love and happy moments!
Apr 16, 2011
Friends and Family
So I had a nice friend and family fix this week. Lots of visiting and with the nice weather we can't help but feel good. We even managed to take the dog for a walk. WOOT!
I haven't had a lot of chance to write lately and that has a lot to do with sleep deprivation, baby and life in general. I've been in an up and down mood lately and when I'm up I don't really know what to write about, and when I'm down I don't want to just bitch. The whole point of this was a way to let out the fears and anxieties I was having and I know I'll keep having them, but I think the one's I've been having I've been reluctant to let out.
Anywho, things seem to be going okay so far. I've been trying to take LOTS of pictures of Violet. I think I need to justify that she has been getting bigger and that we are out of the woods in some sense. But they are only little once and if I don't take to pictures I'll be sad that I missed something. The only big thing that I feel I missed was getting pics done of her when she was really little. Being we were in the hospital all my pics of her when she is really small have tubes and other things on her. I know it's not a big deal, just something that I wish we could have done... you know like the Anne Geddes photos. But I've been looking at a lot of them and I think I'll try my hand at doing a cute photo-shoot with my crappy camera (it's not actually crappy, it's just not as fancy as I would like). I've managed some cute pics of her with the dog but I think I need to be a little more creative, so I'll look at other pics online and see what I come up with... mostly what I have in the house and can use.
I was looking at some of her pics from the first few weeks and tried to turn them into black and white. That was a bad idea, it really reminded me of Cole's pics when they are like that. They were both so small!!
So I'll try the new shoot sometime this week... I'll probably not post all of them on Facebook being I want to send announcement cards and I want to use a picture that everyone hasn't already seen. We'll see if I'm successful :)
I haven't had a lot of chance to write lately and that has a lot to do with sleep deprivation, baby and life in general. I've been in an up and down mood lately and when I'm up I don't really know what to write about, and when I'm down I don't want to just bitch. The whole point of this was a way to let out the fears and anxieties I was having and I know I'll keep having them, but I think the one's I've been having I've been reluctant to let out.
Anywho, things seem to be going okay so far. I've been trying to take LOTS of pictures of Violet. I think I need to justify that she has been getting bigger and that we are out of the woods in some sense. But they are only little once and if I don't take to pictures I'll be sad that I missed something. The only big thing that I feel I missed was getting pics done of her when she was really little. Being we were in the hospital all my pics of her when she is really small have tubes and other things on her. I know it's not a big deal, just something that I wish we could have done... you know like the Anne Geddes photos. But I've been looking at a lot of them and I think I'll try my hand at doing a cute photo-shoot with my crappy camera (it's not actually crappy, it's just not as fancy as I would like). I've managed some cute pics of her with the dog but I think I need to be a little more creative, so I'll look at other pics online and see what I come up with... mostly what I have in the house and can use.
I was looking at some of her pics from the first few weeks and tried to turn them into black and white. That was a bad idea, it really reminded me of Cole's pics when they are like that. They were both so small!!
So I'll try the new shoot sometime this week... I'll probably not post all of them on Facebook being I want to send announcement cards and I want to use a picture that everyone hasn't already seen. We'll see if I'm successful :)
Apr 9, 2011
Posting
I really need to stop posting in the middle of the night when I'm over tired. It really just makes me sound like an ungrateful whine arse, which I totally don't mean to be. Sorry if I sounded cranky or ungrateful.
Doing well... all of the above
So I have decided I will not go on with a daily list on how well Violet's doing. The purpose of this blog is not to be a daily journal but a slightly more in depth look into how I've been feeling and how this pregnancy/birth/etc and my past experience change how I handle with the world. What does that mean exactly? Well it means I have strayed from my purpose... not greatly but enough that I haven't been writing due to the fact that I either want to use this as a list of all the good stuff or I want to use this as a rant for all my frustration. This is neither.
I could easily rant about much that is going on in my head... there's a lot and when you are alone at home most of the time with a baby you can't help but rant. What's the main rant you may say? Well, I think it's that I am home alone. There are many in my life that have failed to show up. Some are coming this week (as in my parents) but I have had a lot of people state that they would bombard me with visits and instead I have hardly heard a word. I know this is normal and that everyone's life at this point is a little nuts but still.
My only other rant is the concept of the meet and greet/shower. What's the rant there? Well the pure confusion as to whether there will actually be such a thing. Again life has been crazy but I have received mixed messages as to whether something like this is being done and am starting to think such a thing will not be done. Now I don't totally care one way or another, my only concern is that Polar Bear and I have held off buying or getting people to buy stuff because we are unsure if other people want to get us stuff. It is very frustrating when you know you are going to need stuff and you are unable to plan on whether you need to find the funds or if someone is planning on getting you something and they will be angry if you purchase it on your own.
What these rants mean is that really, all in all, life is good. Polar Bear goes back to work in a month, and he may even be starting a new job all together that is year round, we are just waiting to hear back from the company. Vi is doing great, gaining weight. She's happy and healthy and safe and strong. I have managed to go out for a bit with a friend, and do enjoy staying home with Vi even though it can get a little dull and I am extremely sleep deprived. All my issues are superficial. They are all thing that will solve themselves in due time and if I would be patient they are really not issues at all.
So I hope all your current concerns and issues are as minor as mine are. That they are all mere inconveniences and will be solved with time.
I could easily rant about much that is going on in my head... there's a lot and when you are alone at home most of the time with a baby you can't help but rant. What's the main rant you may say? Well, I think it's that I am home alone. There are many in my life that have failed to show up. Some are coming this week (as in my parents) but I have had a lot of people state that they would bombard me with visits and instead I have hardly heard a word. I know this is normal and that everyone's life at this point is a little nuts but still.
My only other rant is the concept of the meet and greet/shower. What's the rant there? Well the pure confusion as to whether there will actually be such a thing. Again life has been crazy but I have received mixed messages as to whether something like this is being done and am starting to think such a thing will not be done. Now I don't totally care one way or another, my only concern is that Polar Bear and I have held off buying or getting people to buy stuff because we are unsure if other people want to get us stuff. It is very frustrating when you know you are going to need stuff and you are unable to plan on whether you need to find the funds or if someone is planning on getting you something and they will be angry if you purchase it on your own.
What these rants mean is that really, all in all, life is good. Polar Bear goes back to work in a month, and he may even be starting a new job all together that is year round, we are just waiting to hear back from the company. Vi is doing great, gaining weight. She's happy and healthy and safe and strong. I have managed to go out for a bit with a friend, and do enjoy staying home with Vi even though it can get a little dull and I am extremely sleep deprived. All my issues are superficial. They are all thing that will solve themselves in due time and if I would be patient they are really not issues at all.
So I hope all your current concerns and issues are as minor as mine are. That they are all mere inconveniences and will be solved with time.
Apr 1, 2011
29 Days
We have now official hit the point where Violet is past Cole's dates. Wednesday she became 4 weeks exactly. Cole passed at 28 days and I find myself today feeling a little emotionally up. I'm tired, don't get me wrong, but I'm on an emotional up instead of down. What this means psychologically, I'm not 100% sure, but I think I've been unable to allow myself to believe that everything is as good as it is. I think I've been holding a piece of me back waiting for the other shoe to drop. For my world to fall out from under me. For life to kick me again just as I'm thinking it's going good.
But we've done it, we've passed everything that I can think of that would make me down. Violet's happy, healthy, safe and strong. Everything I've been wishing for throughout the pregnancy, and I'm actually feeling that things may remain that way.
I've discussed with my husband the issues I've been having with the whole breast feeding thing. I've decided that I will continue to pump for as long as I'm producing enough milk, or until I get fed up with it. I have completely given up on trying to actually breastfeed her, and since I've decided this I've felt a lot better. Less stressed and less inadequate. It helped that my husband finally told me that he didn't mean to make me feel like I had to get her onto the boob, instead he was trying to support me at what he thought would help me. But instead it had just made me depressed. Sometimes getting rid of one thing just removes that straw that would otherwise have broken the camel's back. I know that the whole breastfeeding thing was not as big of a deal as I felt it was. It was an accumulation of everything that had been going on and that had gone on over the past year. It was the final straw for my emotional sanity. But having now decided that I will forgo the direct breastfeeding and just pump/bottle feed her, I've felt a lot more calm. This means that I am not tied to having to be around all the time, this gives me a little freedom and allows Polar Bear to be directly involved with his daughter (which he's loving).
Well we will see how this new found positive feelings continue. I'm sure there will be some more downs in the future, especially when things remind me of Cole, but for now I will enjoy my daughter and try and keep the clouds at bay. TGFS *thank the gods for spring!
But we've done it, we've passed everything that I can think of that would make me down. Violet's happy, healthy, safe and strong. Everything I've been wishing for throughout the pregnancy, and I'm actually feeling that things may remain that way.
I've discussed with my husband the issues I've been having with the whole breast feeding thing. I've decided that I will continue to pump for as long as I'm producing enough milk, or until I get fed up with it. I have completely given up on trying to actually breastfeed her, and since I've decided this I've felt a lot better. Less stressed and less inadequate. It helped that my husband finally told me that he didn't mean to make me feel like I had to get her onto the boob, instead he was trying to support me at what he thought would help me. But instead it had just made me depressed. Sometimes getting rid of one thing just removes that straw that would otherwise have broken the camel's back. I know that the whole breastfeeding thing was not as big of a deal as I felt it was. It was an accumulation of everything that had been going on and that had gone on over the past year. It was the final straw for my emotional sanity. But having now decided that I will forgo the direct breastfeeding and just pump/bottle feed her, I've felt a lot more calm. This means that I am not tied to having to be around all the time, this gives me a little freedom and allows Polar Bear to be directly involved with his daughter (which he's loving).
Well we will see how this new found positive feelings continue. I'm sure there will be some more downs in the future, especially when things remind me of Cole, but for now I will enjoy my daughter and try and keep the clouds at bay. TGFS *thank the gods for spring!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)