Today is an damp, slightly cloudy day, and I'm feeling a little blah. Not in the way of being depressed, more like I'd like to stay in my PJ's all day and not do anything. When I get into these moods I usually try and keep myself a little busy so that I'm not just wallowing on my couch all day. So today I started adding photo's of myself as a kid onto Facebook. It's funny how the years change and how the times go by... I've looked at pictures of me as baby, a toddler and a kid. I remember how well me and my brother got along. Well, at least most of the time. And I remember the fun we had. Yes there were hard times, there were crappy times, but there were also really good times. Lots of fun with friends and such.
I think today I'll pull out my photo album and scan some of my pictures into the computer. I think it's better to reminisce about the long past sometimes, at least better than the recent past. Some days I sit here and am overwhelmed by the events that have taken place over the past 2 years. The great ups we had, and the devastating downs we had. It makes me appreciate the lull we are having now.
It's Spring... in more than one way. It's the revival of the weather and the sun, but it's also a revival of self. Polar Bear and I have been in a Winter for the past two years. Even with the birth of our daughter we still were in a down... we could see that there was light but it seemed so far away. Now I feel we are approaching a Spring. He should be back to work next week and the weather's making it easier for me to leave the house. Vi is starting to be able to look around a bit more, and trying to hold her head up. And I'm now able to put her into clothes (within reason).
I say let the snow on our hearts start to melt. We will always remember what it was like when it was there but I'm really looking forward to a Summer.
May your spring be filled with those you love and happy moments!
Apr 25, 2011
Apr 16, 2011
Friends and Family
So I had a nice friend and family fix this week. Lots of visiting and with the nice weather we can't help but feel good. We even managed to take the dog for a walk. WOOT!
I haven't had a lot of chance to write lately and that has a lot to do with sleep deprivation, baby and life in general. I've been in an up and down mood lately and when I'm up I don't really know what to write about, and when I'm down I don't want to just bitch. The whole point of this was a way to let out the fears and anxieties I was having and I know I'll keep having them, but I think the one's I've been having I've been reluctant to let out.
Anywho, things seem to be going okay so far. I've been trying to take LOTS of pictures of Violet. I think I need to justify that she has been getting bigger and that we are out of the woods in some sense. But they are only little once and if I don't take to pictures I'll be sad that I missed something. The only big thing that I feel I missed was getting pics done of her when she was really little. Being we were in the hospital all my pics of her when she is really small have tubes and other things on her. I know it's not a big deal, just something that I wish we could have done... you know like the Anne Geddes photos. But I've been looking at a lot of them and I think I'll try my hand at doing a cute photo-shoot with my crappy camera (it's not actually crappy, it's just not as fancy as I would like). I've managed some cute pics of her with the dog but I think I need to be a little more creative, so I'll look at other pics online and see what I come up with... mostly what I have in the house and can use.
I was looking at some of her pics from the first few weeks and tried to turn them into black and white. That was a bad idea, it really reminded me of Cole's pics when they are like that. They were both so small!!
So I'll try the new shoot sometime this week... I'll probably not post all of them on Facebook being I want to send announcement cards and I want to use a picture that everyone hasn't already seen. We'll see if I'm successful :)
I haven't had a lot of chance to write lately and that has a lot to do with sleep deprivation, baby and life in general. I've been in an up and down mood lately and when I'm up I don't really know what to write about, and when I'm down I don't want to just bitch. The whole point of this was a way to let out the fears and anxieties I was having and I know I'll keep having them, but I think the one's I've been having I've been reluctant to let out.
Anywho, things seem to be going okay so far. I've been trying to take LOTS of pictures of Violet. I think I need to justify that she has been getting bigger and that we are out of the woods in some sense. But they are only little once and if I don't take to pictures I'll be sad that I missed something. The only big thing that I feel I missed was getting pics done of her when she was really little. Being we were in the hospital all my pics of her when she is really small have tubes and other things on her. I know it's not a big deal, just something that I wish we could have done... you know like the Anne Geddes photos. But I've been looking at a lot of them and I think I'll try my hand at doing a cute photo-shoot with my crappy camera (it's not actually crappy, it's just not as fancy as I would like). I've managed some cute pics of her with the dog but I think I need to be a little more creative, so I'll look at other pics online and see what I come up with... mostly what I have in the house and can use.
I was looking at some of her pics from the first few weeks and tried to turn them into black and white. That was a bad idea, it really reminded me of Cole's pics when they are like that. They were both so small!!
So I'll try the new shoot sometime this week... I'll probably not post all of them on Facebook being I want to send announcement cards and I want to use a picture that everyone hasn't already seen. We'll see if I'm successful :)
Apr 9, 2011
Posting
I really need to stop posting in the middle of the night when I'm over tired. It really just makes me sound like an ungrateful whine arse, which I totally don't mean to be. Sorry if I sounded cranky or ungrateful.
Doing well... all of the above
So I have decided I will not go on with a daily list on how well Violet's doing. The purpose of this blog is not to be a daily journal but a slightly more in depth look into how I've been feeling and how this pregnancy/birth/etc and my past experience change how I handle with the world. What does that mean exactly? Well it means I have strayed from my purpose... not greatly but enough that I haven't been writing due to the fact that I either want to use this as a list of all the good stuff or I want to use this as a rant for all my frustration. This is neither.
I could easily rant about much that is going on in my head... there's a lot and when you are alone at home most of the time with a baby you can't help but rant. What's the main rant you may say? Well, I think it's that I am home alone. There are many in my life that have failed to show up. Some are coming this week (as in my parents) but I have had a lot of people state that they would bombard me with visits and instead I have hardly heard a word. I know this is normal and that everyone's life at this point is a little nuts but still.
My only other rant is the concept of the meet and greet/shower. What's the rant there? Well the pure confusion as to whether there will actually be such a thing. Again life has been crazy but I have received mixed messages as to whether something like this is being done and am starting to think such a thing will not be done. Now I don't totally care one way or another, my only concern is that Polar Bear and I have held off buying or getting people to buy stuff because we are unsure if other people want to get us stuff. It is very frustrating when you know you are going to need stuff and you are unable to plan on whether you need to find the funds or if someone is planning on getting you something and they will be angry if you purchase it on your own.
What these rants mean is that really, all in all, life is good. Polar Bear goes back to work in a month, and he may even be starting a new job all together that is year round, we are just waiting to hear back from the company. Vi is doing great, gaining weight. She's happy and healthy and safe and strong. I have managed to go out for a bit with a friend, and do enjoy staying home with Vi even though it can get a little dull and I am extremely sleep deprived. All my issues are superficial. They are all thing that will solve themselves in due time and if I would be patient they are really not issues at all.
So I hope all your current concerns and issues are as minor as mine are. That they are all mere inconveniences and will be solved with time.
I could easily rant about much that is going on in my head... there's a lot and when you are alone at home most of the time with a baby you can't help but rant. What's the main rant you may say? Well, I think it's that I am home alone. There are many in my life that have failed to show up. Some are coming this week (as in my parents) but I have had a lot of people state that they would bombard me with visits and instead I have hardly heard a word. I know this is normal and that everyone's life at this point is a little nuts but still.
My only other rant is the concept of the meet and greet/shower. What's the rant there? Well the pure confusion as to whether there will actually be such a thing. Again life has been crazy but I have received mixed messages as to whether something like this is being done and am starting to think such a thing will not be done. Now I don't totally care one way or another, my only concern is that Polar Bear and I have held off buying or getting people to buy stuff because we are unsure if other people want to get us stuff. It is very frustrating when you know you are going to need stuff and you are unable to plan on whether you need to find the funds or if someone is planning on getting you something and they will be angry if you purchase it on your own.
What these rants mean is that really, all in all, life is good. Polar Bear goes back to work in a month, and he may even be starting a new job all together that is year round, we are just waiting to hear back from the company. Vi is doing great, gaining weight. She's happy and healthy and safe and strong. I have managed to go out for a bit with a friend, and do enjoy staying home with Vi even though it can get a little dull and I am extremely sleep deprived. All my issues are superficial. They are all thing that will solve themselves in due time and if I would be patient they are really not issues at all.
So I hope all your current concerns and issues are as minor as mine are. That they are all mere inconveniences and will be solved with time.
Apr 1, 2011
29 Days
We have now official hit the point where Violet is past Cole's dates. Wednesday she became 4 weeks exactly. Cole passed at 28 days and I find myself today feeling a little emotionally up. I'm tired, don't get me wrong, but I'm on an emotional up instead of down. What this means psychologically, I'm not 100% sure, but I think I've been unable to allow myself to believe that everything is as good as it is. I think I've been holding a piece of me back waiting for the other shoe to drop. For my world to fall out from under me. For life to kick me again just as I'm thinking it's going good.
But we've done it, we've passed everything that I can think of that would make me down. Violet's happy, healthy, safe and strong. Everything I've been wishing for throughout the pregnancy, and I'm actually feeling that things may remain that way.
I've discussed with my husband the issues I've been having with the whole breast feeding thing. I've decided that I will continue to pump for as long as I'm producing enough milk, or until I get fed up with it. I have completely given up on trying to actually breastfeed her, and since I've decided this I've felt a lot better. Less stressed and less inadequate. It helped that my husband finally told me that he didn't mean to make me feel like I had to get her onto the boob, instead he was trying to support me at what he thought would help me. But instead it had just made me depressed. Sometimes getting rid of one thing just removes that straw that would otherwise have broken the camel's back. I know that the whole breastfeeding thing was not as big of a deal as I felt it was. It was an accumulation of everything that had been going on and that had gone on over the past year. It was the final straw for my emotional sanity. But having now decided that I will forgo the direct breastfeeding and just pump/bottle feed her, I've felt a lot more calm. This means that I am not tied to having to be around all the time, this gives me a little freedom and allows Polar Bear to be directly involved with his daughter (which he's loving).
Well we will see how this new found positive feelings continue. I'm sure there will be some more downs in the future, especially when things remind me of Cole, but for now I will enjoy my daughter and try and keep the clouds at bay. TGFS *thank the gods for spring!
But we've done it, we've passed everything that I can think of that would make me down. Violet's happy, healthy, safe and strong. Everything I've been wishing for throughout the pregnancy, and I'm actually feeling that things may remain that way.
I've discussed with my husband the issues I've been having with the whole breast feeding thing. I've decided that I will continue to pump for as long as I'm producing enough milk, or until I get fed up with it. I have completely given up on trying to actually breastfeed her, and since I've decided this I've felt a lot better. Less stressed and less inadequate. It helped that my husband finally told me that he didn't mean to make me feel like I had to get her onto the boob, instead he was trying to support me at what he thought would help me. But instead it had just made me depressed. Sometimes getting rid of one thing just removes that straw that would otherwise have broken the camel's back. I know that the whole breastfeeding thing was not as big of a deal as I felt it was. It was an accumulation of everything that had been going on and that had gone on over the past year. It was the final straw for my emotional sanity. But having now decided that I will forgo the direct breastfeeding and just pump/bottle feed her, I've felt a lot more calm. This means that I am not tied to having to be around all the time, this gives me a little freedom and allows Polar Bear to be directly involved with his daughter (which he's loving).
Well we will see how this new found positive feelings continue. I'm sure there will be some more downs in the future, especially when things remind me of Cole, but for now I will enjoy my daughter and try and keep the clouds at bay. TGFS *thank the gods for spring!
Mar 23, 2011
A week
I know I'm not very imaginative in the titling of my Blogs. I know this just by the sure fact that I've probably repeated a title or two... or used something similar. I just fail to feel the need to title my blogs after thing that I'm writing about, part of that is I title the page before I write the blog. Maybe I should do it the other way around but if this should happen then I probably will end up having blank titled blogs. So unoriginal it is!
I have been a bit of an emotional wreck the past week. Part of me feels that since the baby's here now and home I should be happy. And don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic. I have moments and days of pure joy. Joy of spending my time with her, Joy at everything in life. Then I have other days where I'm in the middle. My time spent with her is wonderful but everything else bothers me. And then there are the days where everything upsets me. I am blessed with an easygoing baby. If she was colic or anything I think it'd be worst, being she's so calm and easy she helps sooth me on those days. I know this sounds backwards but it's the way it is.
I've just felt fail lately. I know I'm doing the best I can and I know everyone would say I'm doing great. (Or at least that's what I've been told and heard at the moment) But I can't help but feel a little fail. I can't help but have part of me feel fail on the whole pregnancy thing. I failed with Cole and now I was unable to do term again. I had issues with pregnancy and I think it bruises my idea of woman. Now I'm failing on the whole breast feeding thing. I am able to pump but I've been producing less and she's been eating more. On top of that I've not been able to manage to have her actually breastfeed. My nipples have been bleeding and i doesn't get in the milk when I pump but it's worst when she tries to suckle. Being she's so small and been getting used to the bottle I've been having a harder time getting her to latch. I feel fail. I've been doing what I can and what is suggested by my readings on increasing production, and it helps a bit. But the whole breastfeeding thing is really getting me down. I try to explain it to my husband and he doesn't get it. He means well but doesn't get it. Today he suggested I try to breastfeed and I tried but was overwhelmed, 1st I couldn't get her on. Then her trying to suckle opened up my sore so it hurt a lot. Once I start bleeding it's out the window sometimes so I was over tired and frustrated and started crying. He took her and fed her by bottle which in some ways just made it worst. I know that it's mostly this one thing thats bothering me, and I know supposedly it's not a bug deal. At least I'm able to pump and she's able to eat breastmilk. But it's hard to have visions in your head and hopes and one by one they seem to be taken away.
I can't have my son. I can't have a happy term pregnancy and now I can't breast feed well. I just feel a little defeated.
So I'll thank whatever gods there are for my beautiful, healthy little girl and enjoy everything else about my time with her. I'll keep trying, and reading up about things to try, next to try is a nipple shield again... and one day I may have to stop trying boob just for my own sanity.
I have been a bit of an emotional wreck the past week. Part of me feels that since the baby's here now and home I should be happy. And don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic. I have moments and days of pure joy. Joy of spending my time with her, Joy at everything in life. Then I have other days where I'm in the middle. My time spent with her is wonderful but everything else bothers me. And then there are the days where everything upsets me. I am blessed with an easygoing baby. If she was colic or anything I think it'd be worst, being she's so calm and easy she helps sooth me on those days. I know this sounds backwards but it's the way it is.
I've just felt fail lately. I know I'm doing the best I can and I know everyone would say I'm doing great. (Or at least that's what I've been told and heard at the moment) But I can't help but feel a little fail. I can't help but have part of me feel fail on the whole pregnancy thing. I failed with Cole and now I was unable to do term again. I had issues with pregnancy and I think it bruises my idea of woman. Now I'm failing on the whole breast feeding thing. I am able to pump but I've been producing less and she's been eating more. On top of that I've not been able to manage to have her actually breastfeed. My nipples have been bleeding and i doesn't get in the milk when I pump but it's worst when she tries to suckle. Being she's so small and been getting used to the bottle I've been having a harder time getting her to latch. I feel fail. I've been doing what I can and what is suggested by my readings on increasing production, and it helps a bit. But the whole breastfeeding thing is really getting me down. I try to explain it to my husband and he doesn't get it. He means well but doesn't get it. Today he suggested I try to breastfeed and I tried but was overwhelmed, 1st I couldn't get her on. Then her trying to suckle opened up my sore so it hurt a lot. Once I start bleeding it's out the window sometimes so I was over tired and frustrated and started crying. He took her and fed her by bottle which in some ways just made it worst. I know that it's mostly this one thing thats bothering me, and I know supposedly it's not a bug deal. At least I'm able to pump and she's able to eat breastmilk. But it's hard to have visions in your head and hopes and one by one they seem to be taken away.
I can't have my son. I can't have a happy term pregnancy and now I can't breast feed well. I just feel a little defeated.
So I'll thank whatever gods there are for my beautiful, healthy little girl and enjoy everything else about my time with her. I'll keep trying, and reading up about things to try, next to try is a nipple shield again... and one day I may have to stop trying boob just for my own sanity.
Mar 10, 2011
A long Week... Ups and Downs
For those of you who haven't been physically in my life over the past week we have had a fun ride.
Last Tuesday night... March 1st... I started not to feel well. I threw up twice between 6 and 6:30 pm and tried to lay down but felt like crap. So at 7:30 I called the hospital and the nurse said it might be anxiety so to come in and they would do a non-stress test. Polar Bear was in TO working and had the car, so I called a friend to drive me. We got to the hospital at 8:30 and they hooked me up to monitors. I was starting to have serious tummy tightening, but not real contractions.... They did a bunch of test and said that I was starting labour. This resulted in the doctors calling other hospitals and deciding to transfer me to Brampton because it was bigger and has a level 2 NICU (I am only 33 weeks). We call my husband and he hurry's to Fergus where we currently are, arriving around 11:15-11:30. At 12:00 the ambulance arrives to transfer me. At 1:00 we arrive at Brampton Civic hospital, and 1:20am my husband shows up :).
So we are now in Brampton Civic... From 1:30am to 7:00 am we have slowly strengthening contractions until at 7:00am the doctor checks me before the shift change. At this point I am only 3.7cm.... So she seems unconcerned, figuring we had a long time. (although we warned her how quick our labour was last time). By 8:00am I was having full on contractions, they were long and hard and painful, and I was having a hard time concentrating on anything. The Nurses (who had just started their shifts) started calling the doctor... first one, then the other... both getting mad at whoever they were talking to. By 8:15-8:20 the new doctor came in and took one look at me saying that they need to move me, and checked with a quick ultrasound to see that her head was down. At 8:30 I walked to the delivery room while having contractions, they checked me and I was 5cm. At 8:45 they suggested getting an epidural being they contractions were so hard. They checked and I was now 7cm. They quickly sat me up, gave me an epidural (I had my water break while getting the epidural) they laid me down and got me to roll onto my back. At this point I started pushing. They doctor still had not arrived so the nurse got me to push a little. The rest of my water broke, and she saw a little meconium so she told me to just push. She stopped me briefly 'cause the cord was wrapped around her head, then I pushed again and she was out... it is now 9:10. They wisk her to the side and I can here her crying, my husband takes pictures. Then she's off to the NICU. 9:12 the Doctor walks in, I deliver the placenta LOL. So although it says which doctor delivered her she was ACTUALLY delivered by the nurse!
My daughter is a healthy little girl, with a full head of hair, and lots of facial expressions.
On Monday we were moved from Brampton Civic Hospital to Guelph General. This is awesome being it's so much closer to home!!!
Now everything is good, and the itching is mostly gone. But I think I've been having anxiety attacks. I have a hard time leaving her, every time I do I break down. My husband is ecstatic and bouncing off the walls. I'm happy but I feel like I should be happier. I should be smiling and bouncing like him. Instead I'm happy but reserved. I blame some of it on sleep deprivation and a lot on anxiety. I think I will get better when we finally come home. I know some part of me is preparing for something bad to happen, like I can't let myself get too excited because I still don't believe that everything is as good as it is. I'm waiting for the floor to drop out from under me.
So I will keep you posted on home coming time, and the constant battle with anxiety and depression. (I so did not want to be in a NICU again!!!!) Hopefully we'll be home soon!!
Last Tuesday night... March 1st... I started not to feel well. I threw up twice between 6 and 6:30 pm and tried to lay down but felt like crap. So at 7:30 I called the hospital and the nurse said it might be anxiety so to come in and they would do a non-stress test. Polar Bear was in TO working and had the car, so I called a friend to drive me. We got to the hospital at 8:30 and they hooked me up to monitors. I was starting to have serious tummy tightening, but not real contractions.... They did a bunch of test and said that I was starting labour. This resulted in the doctors calling other hospitals and deciding to transfer me to Brampton because it was bigger and has a level 2 NICU (I am only 33 weeks). We call my husband and he hurry's to Fergus where we currently are, arriving around 11:15-11:30. At 12:00 the ambulance arrives to transfer me. At 1:00 we arrive at Brampton Civic hospital, and 1:20am my husband shows up :).
So we are now in Brampton Civic... From 1:30am to 7:00 am we have slowly strengthening contractions until at 7:00am the doctor checks me before the shift change. At this point I am only 3.7cm.... So she seems unconcerned, figuring we had a long time. (although we warned her how quick our labour was last time). By 8:00am I was having full on contractions, they were long and hard and painful, and I was having a hard time concentrating on anything. The Nurses (who had just started their shifts) started calling the doctor... first one, then the other... both getting mad at whoever they were talking to. By 8:15-8:20 the new doctor came in and took one look at me saying that they need to move me, and checked with a quick ultrasound to see that her head was down. At 8:30 I walked to the delivery room while having contractions, they checked me and I was 5cm. At 8:45 they suggested getting an epidural being they contractions were so hard. They checked and I was now 7cm. They quickly sat me up, gave me an epidural (I had my water break while getting the epidural) they laid me down and got me to roll onto my back. At this point I started pushing. They doctor still had not arrived so the nurse got me to push a little. The rest of my water broke, and she saw a little meconium so she told me to just push. She stopped me briefly 'cause the cord was wrapped around her head, then I pushed again and she was out... it is now 9:10. They wisk her to the side and I can here her crying, my husband takes pictures. Then she's off to the NICU. 9:12 the Doctor walks in, I deliver the placenta LOL. So although it says which doctor delivered her she was ACTUALLY delivered by the nurse!
My daughter is a healthy little girl, with a full head of hair, and lots of facial expressions.
On Monday we were moved from Brampton Civic Hospital to Guelph General. This is awesome being it's so much closer to home!!!
Now everything is good, and the itching is mostly gone. But I think I've been having anxiety attacks. I have a hard time leaving her, every time I do I break down. My husband is ecstatic and bouncing off the walls. I'm happy but I feel like I should be happier. I should be smiling and bouncing like him. Instead I'm happy but reserved. I blame some of it on sleep deprivation and a lot on anxiety. I think I will get better when we finally come home. I know some part of me is preparing for something bad to happen, like I can't let myself get too excited because I still don't believe that everything is as good as it is. I'm waiting for the floor to drop out from under me.
So I will keep you posted on home coming time, and the constant battle with anxiety and depression. (I so did not want to be in a NICU again!!!!) Hopefully we'll be home soon!!
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