So we have officially made it to the third trimester... depending on where you read the third trimester starts at 28 or 29 weeks.
Had another appointment yesterday and the doctor said that 3cm at this point for cervix length is where he likes to see it, so I'm right on target. He gave me another requisition for an Ultrasound for the end of February... so it's booked for Feb 22nd (which is a Tuesday). At least I've hit the point where I don't need to drink a TON of water... only 2 to 3 glasses is all they need! YAY! But it still means that you can't pee for an hour before the appointment. YUCK! :( How can a pregnant woman not pee for an hour... especially when you are getting to the end and the munchkin is starting to push on your bladder ALL THE TIME!!! Well, I'll just say it's another test on being uncomfortable for long periods of time.
I am now having appointments every 2 weeks.... yup we've hit that point. I think I'll feel better when I actually make it to that appointment. With Cole we didn't make it to the 2 week appointment being he was born a week before.... 29w5D.... So at my next appointment I will be 30W2D..... so if we make it there I'm sure I'll feel a ton better in someways. And TOTALLY FREAKING OUT in others LOL. So we are now looking forward to every two weeks... cause every appointment we get to means a greater chance of healthy baby that gets to come home right away... WOOT!
So we do a bunch of 2 week appointments then somewhere in the end of February and the beginning of March we start our 1 WEEK APPOINTMENTS... that'll be exciting! Fingers crossed!
Jan 27, 2011
Jan 25, 2011
Another appointment tomorrow
So the weekend was okay. I really think it hit me worst yesterday and a few days before the weekend. Polar Bear and I went for a nice dinner on Saturday night in celebration/remembrance. I sometimes forget just how much I like spending time with my husband. We ended up having the house to ourselves Saturday night, and all of Sunday. Which was exactly what the doctor ordered. We hung around home and relaxed, played some video games and just spent time together.
Tomorrow is 28 Weeks... and I have another appointment. Haven't heard anything about the ultrasound or blood work from the other week so I'm assuming that everything's gone okay. I'll let you know how the appointment goes. Polar Bear is coming home for the appointment being he's up north for the week, so that's nice. I don't always like going alone, it's nice to have another him there.
Well I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.
Tomorrow is 28 Weeks... and I have another appointment. Haven't heard anything about the ultrasound or blood work from the other week so I'm assuming that everything's gone okay. I'll let you know how the appointment goes. Polar Bear is coming home for the appointment being he's up north for the week, so that's nice. I don't always like going alone, it's nice to have another him there.
Well I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.
Jan 19, 2011
1 year
Yup... Sunday is January 23rd... and those of you who know me, or have been reading this will understand the stress and depression that have taken route like a vulture circling. January 23rd would have been Cole's 1yr B-day! I know, it's crazy to think that we have already managed a year. One year ago I was living at my brother-in-law's place. Slightly miserable. Having a crazy itching from head to toe that the doctor said was just a reaction that happens sometimes.... I know, still sounds weird to me (he had fancier Doctor lingo). But anyway... On January 23rd starting our 28day roller-coaster ride at the Kingston General Hospital. We all know that the ride didn't end as we were hoping... it ended with the hardest and easiest (in some ways) decision that my husband and I will ever have to make (HOPEFULLY!). He was a beautiful baby boy... he was wide eyed and curious... I only got to hold him for about 24 hours before he passed on Feb 19th.
I feel guilty in a lot of ways that he couldn't be here, that maybe there was something wrong and we didn't know, and of course, that I am 27 weeks pregnant on his first birthday with his little sister. I worry that I have let him down. I know that where ever he may be that he's scoffing at me saying I'm being silly, but still.
When I had Cole I felt disconnected. He was born and put right away into the incubator (being he was only 29W5D, and they were worried about his lungs)... about an hour after he was born I was able to move enough to go over and look at him, but it was weird. It didn't feel real. It was like looking at so many other people's babies... not my own. We went back and forth that evening to see him but we couldn't stay in the room with him and they were arranging transportation for him to Kingston. At 1 am we said good bye to our little guy and didn't get to see him till later the next day... We had to stay in the hospital that night and he got flown to the other hospital. It took me a while in Kingston to really start feeling connected. To really feel that this was my son and that he was sitting in front of me. All we could do for most of the time was hold his little hands through the incubator and talk to him. The doctors kept looking worried... he'd start showing signs of getting better then he'd get worst... it seemed like every time we went away for more than a day he got worst. The last time, they told us that they have exhausted all the options. The infection (which they believed was in his lungs) couldn't be fought, they had tried everything they could think of. His little kidney's were starting to shut down and so were other organs, the ventilator (which had been upgraded twice) was now the oscillating ventilator was hard on his system and was barely working, but they new the others wouldn't work. The Monday they warned us (as they were progressively warning us) that they were trying the last things they could, but they didn't have much hope that things would get better. He was now retaining water in his skin, which is a major sign of possible full body shut down. On Thursday (Feb 18th) morning we were told that the steroids and everything they tried to get his lungs working have failed, that the infection was getting worst and that they couldn't get his body to release the water. We had the choice, being it was now definite that he wouldn't survive, to move him into another room on a lower ventilator that we could hold him with. they would take most of the tubes out but keep one for pain relief and nutrients... he wouldn't feel any pain. So we moved him, and called our friends and family and told them that they don't think he's going to make it and that they were giving us a room so our friends and family could meet him before he passed. Our immediate family and close friends all came. The evening was the first time my husband and I got to hold him... did I ever cry. He was real, he was mine and he was leaving me in the next few days, hours, minutes... we didn't know. The social worker for the NICU talked to us about getting pictures done, hopefully before he passed, by a company called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep... which does pictures of newborns that are going to pass or have already passed. That night was the hardest, worst sleep, I have ever had. I remember sitting in the tub with the shower on at Almost Home (an amazing place for parents for sick kids to stay at) crying and asking for anything that could change this. The next morning we got up early and went back to the hospital. The photographer came and did some beautiful pictures of us, that we kept trying to not cry during and failed miserably. Then around noon we had to make a decision... the only thing keeping him alive was the ventilator. He was mostly gone, his body had shut down, but we were forcing him to stay with us. They asked us to decide to remove the ventilator and if we wanted to hold him until he passed... We sat and cried in the office for about 20 minutes, but decided that it wasn't fair to his little body to keep him with us. He could "survive" on the ventilator for up to a week, but how can you do that to a little boy who you know is not going to make it, who is not comfortable.... who, if it wasn't for the drugs, may be in pain. We decided to agree with the doctors. This was the hardest and easiest decision of our lives! We hugged and kissed him and sat with him for another hour or two, then left the room for a quick lunch (which we didn't eat) and so they could remove the ventilator. We went back up and got to hold him without anything for 10 minutes each... He stayed with us for a whole 20 minutes... He even stuck his tongue out at his dad LOL... He passed in his dad's arms. The doctors came and pronounced him. The funny thing that people never tell you is it's so calm... there was this heavy weight over us the whole time we were in the hospital. The last week it was the worst, like there was a crowd around us even when we were alone. When he passed you could almost feel a weight in the air lighten. Like who ever was waiting for him had finally let out the breath they were holding. It was a calm air in the room. We cried when he passed but the weight had lifted a little. We held him for a little with the doctor then went downstairs so the doctor could prepare him a little and do the few things they needed for testing afterward. We called our family and let them know, we went downstairs and told the friends who had stayed with us. When we returned to the room where he had passed there was no weight in the air any more... not even that calm weight that was there for the hour or so after he passed... it was like the air cleared up. The sun was now out through the window (after raining and snowing the 4 weeks we were there) and we said our good byes to the doctors and nurses and social worker that helped us through the 28days of my little boys life. We went home and drank with friends and cried to ourselves...
One year later... I still feel the pain like yesterday. I feel the disconnect at first and the sorrow when I realized I was connected to him but going to possible lose him, and the pain of losing your first born, of losing the innocence that you once had about pregnancies.
Happy One Year my little man. I will miss you forever. I hope that you are watching over us and your sister, wherever you may be.
I may never have the innocence of pregnancy again, and I may worry and stress over everything in this pregnancy, but I believe it is understandable. This little girl will survive... she will be born as close to full term as is healthy for her and I... this pregnancy has been greatly different. I will never get my little guy back but I will be grateful for the time I had with him and am grateful to be able to have other children. I will be happy and I will cry no matter the outcome of this pregnancy... for the joys I can have with her and the joys I can't have with him.
To continue is all we can do....
I feel guilty in a lot of ways that he couldn't be here, that maybe there was something wrong and we didn't know, and of course, that I am 27 weeks pregnant on his first birthday with his little sister. I worry that I have let him down. I know that where ever he may be that he's scoffing at me saying I'm being silly, but still.
When I had Cole I felt disconnected. He was born and put right away into the incubator (being he was only 29W5D, and they were worried about his lungs)... about an hour after he was born I was able to move enough to go over and look at him, but it was weird. It didn't feel real. It was like looking at so many other people's babies... not my own. We went back and forth that evening to see him but we couldn't stay in the room with him and they were arranging transportation for him to Kingston. At 1 am we said good bye to our little guy and didn't get to see him till later the next day... We had to stay in the hospital that night and he got flown to the other hospital. It took me a while in Kingston to really start feeling connected. To really feel that this was my son and that he was sitting in front of me. All we could do for most of the time was hold his little hands through the incubator and talk to him. The doctors kept looking worried... he'd start showing signs of getting better then he'd get worst... it seemed like every time we went away for more than a day he got worst. The last time, they told us that they have exhausted all the options. The infection (which they believed was in his lungs) couldn't be fought, they had tried everything they could think of. His little kidney's were starting to shut down and so were other organs, the ventilator (which had been upgraded twice) was now the oscillating ventilator was hard on his system and was barely working, but they new the others wouldn't work. The Monday they warned us (as they were progressively warning us) that they were trying the last things they could, but they didn't have much hope that things would get better. He was now retaining water in his skin, which is a major sign of possible full body shut down. On Thursday (Feb 18th) morning we were told that the steroids and everything they tried to get his lungs working have failed, that the infection was getting worst and that they couldn't get his body to release the water. We had the choice, being it was now definite that he wouldn't survive, to move him into another room on a lower ventilator that we could hold him with. they would take most of the tubes out but keep one for pain relief and nutrients... he wouldn't feel any pain. So we moved him, and called our friends and family and told them that they don't think he's going to make it and that they were giving us a room so our friends and family could meet him before he passed. Our immediate family and close friends all came. The evening was the first time my husband and I got to hold him... did I ever cry. He was real, he was mine and he was leaving me in the next few days, hours, minutes... we didn't know. The social worker for the NICU talked to us about getting pictures done, hopefully before he passed, by a company called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep... which does pictures of newborns that are going to pass or have already passed. That night was the hardest, worst sleep, I have ever had. I remember sitting in the tub with the shower on at Almost Home (an amazing place for parents for sick kids to stay at) crying and asking for anything that could change this. The next morning we got up early and went back to the hospital. The photographer came and did some beautiful pictures of us, that we kept trying to not cry during and failed miserably. Then around noon we had to make a decision... the only thing keeping him alive was the ventilator. He was mostly gone, his body had shut down, but we were forcing him to stay with us. They asked us to decide to remove the ventilator and if we wanted to hold him until he passed... We sat and cried in the office for about 20 minutes, but decided that it wasn't fair to his little body to keep him with us. He could "survive" on the ventilator for up to a week, but how can you do that to a little boy who you know is not going to make it, who is not comfortable.... who, if it wasn't for the drugs, may be in pain. We decided to agree with the doctors. This was the hardest and easiest decision of our lives! We hugged and kissed him and sat with him for another hour or two, then left the room for a quick lunch (which we didn't eat) and so they could remove the ventilator. We went back up and got to hold him without anything for 10 minutes each... He stayed with us for a whole 20 minutes... He even stuck his tongue out at his dad LOL... He passed in his dad's arms. The doctors came and pronounced him. The funny thing that people never tell you is it's so calm... there was this heavy weight over us the whole time we were in the hospital. The last week it was the worst, like there was a crowd around us even when we were alone. When he passed you could almost feel a weight in the air lighten. Like who ever was waiting for him had finally let out the breath they were holding. It was a calm air in the room. We cried when he passed but the weight had lifted a little. We held him for a little with the doctor then went downstairs so the doctor could prepare him a little and do the few things they needed for testing afterward. We called our family and let them know, we went downstairs and told the friends who had stayed with us. When we returned to the room where he had passed there was no weight in the air any more... not even that calm weight that was there for the hour or so after he passed... it was like the air cleared up. The sun was now out through the window (after raining and snowing the 4 weeks we were there) and we said our good byes to the doctors and nurses and social worker that helped us through the 28days of my little boys life. We went home and drank with friends and cried to ourselves...
One year later... I still feel the pain like yesterday. I feel the disconnect at first and the sorrow when I realized I was connected to him but going to possible lose him, and the pain of losing your first born, of losing the innocence that you once had about pregnancies.
Happy One Year my little man. I will miss you forever. I hope that you are watching over us and your sister, wherever you may be.
I may never have the innocence of pregnancy again, and I may worry and stress over everything in this pregnancy, but I believe it is understandable. This little girl will survive... she will be born as close to full term as is healthy for her and I... this pregnancy has been greatly different. I will never get my little guy back but I will be grateful for the time I had with him and am grateful to be able to have other children. I will be happy and I will cry no matter the outcome of this pregnancy... for the joys I can have with her and the joys I can't have with him.
To continue is all we can do....
Jan 14, 2011
Team who cares.... lol
So I broke down and rented the third installment of Twilight. I know I know, totally lame. But I've read the books and wanted to see how they managed to do it. I still have to say that Team Jacob is cute but not my type and Team Edward is blah... I stick with my findings in the book... Team Jasper! Yup! I'm all about Jasper... and I'll even include Alice. I think Bella should dump the boys and go for Alice and Jasper instead. LOL. Or maybe we need to get rid of all three of them... add a new person all together to join team Alice and Jasper. Basicly 'cause Jacob, Edward and Bella are ALL too whiny! I have to say my favorite characters are Alice, Jasper and Charlie! Her dad rocks :) LOL.
So everything seems to be going good with baby. I haven't heard anything from the doctor about the ultrasound and I'm a strong believer in no news is good news :), so unless something changes on Monday we are good for another week. Next appointment is on the 26th.
I'm not expecting a great week next week. We are one week from when Cole would have been 1 year old. I can't help but think just how fast time flies sometimes. 2010 was probably the longest and hardest year I've ever had to face and yet it still seemed to go so fast. I'm not really sure if Beau and I are going to do anything next weekend, I don't think he really wants to do something, but who knows. I feel like we should do something. That it would be better to celebrate his birth and the time (although short) we had with him on his birthday and not on Feb 19th when he died. I'm sure the time between the 23rd of Jan and the 19th of Feb will have a few really hard days, that can't be helped, but we will try to make the best of it so that this new little bundle growing will have the best possibly experience in the next few months before our due date. In some ways I feel guilty about being pregnant at almost the same point as I was with Cole on his birth date, but I try to believe that me being able to get pregnant again so quickly and not having some of the issues I was having when pregnant with Cole is his way of protecting us and giving us his blessing. I'm not sure what I truly believe in the whole after death thing, but I know that something must be looking out for us, and I pray that whatever it is will give us a happier outcome.
So we will all be wearing our Team Jasper shirts for the next few days LOL and keep you posted on the next week.
So everything seems to be going good with baby. I haven't heard anything from the doctor about the ultrasound and I'm a strong believer in no news is good news :), so unless something changes on Monday we are good for another week. Next appointment is on the 26th.
I'm not expecting a great week next week. We are one week from when Cole would have been 1 year old. I can't help but think just how fast time flies sometimes. 2010 was probably the longest and hardest year I've ever had to face and yet it still seemed to go so fast. I'm not really sure if Beau and I are going to do anything next weekend, I don't think he really wants to do something, but who knows. I feel like we should do something. That it would be better to celebrate his birth and the time (although short) we had with him on his birthday and not on Feb 19th when he died. I'm sure the time between the 23rd of Jan and the 19th of Feb will have a few really hard days, that can't be helped, but we will try to make the best of it so that this new little bundle growing will have the best possibly experience in the next few months before our due date. In some ways I feel guilty about being pregnant at almost the same point as I was with Cole on his birth date, but I try to believe that me being able to get pregnant again so quickly and not having some of the issues I was having when pregnant with Cole is his way of protecting us and giving us his blessing. I'm not sure what I truly believe in the whole after death thing, but I know that something must be looking out for us, and I pray that whatever it is will give us a happier outcome.
So we will all be wearing our Team Jasper shirts for the next few days LOL and keep you posted on the next week.
Jan 12, 2011
26 weeks....
So today is 26 weeks, and I was supposed to have a barrage of stuff to do.... which didn't actually work out the way I was planning.
I had to go get blood work done, and actually still have to. The glucose test that I need to do (which is a normal test at this point in the pregnancy) requires you to drink the high sugar drink then sit in the office of the clink for and hour and then get blood taken. Sounds easy. So being I had an ultrasound scheduled today as well I figured I'd go up early and get the blood work done in the morning and then stay in Fergus till the ultrasound appointment. So I got up and took my shower, as normal, and headed up to Fergus. Now it's winter (if you haven't already realized that lol) and in Canada there's this lovely thing called SNOW.... so what should have taken me MAYBE 20 minutes to a half an hour took me more like 40 minutes. So between heating my car up, then driving to Fergus, then trying to find parking in the crappy small parking lot filled with people who couldn't drive, old people who drove REALLY slow and people parked on angles. My attempt at arriving at the clinic around 10:30ish turned into closer to 11:15. Now you think this wouldn't be a big deal. Most clinics are open till somewhere between 1pm and 3pm .... but Noooooooooooooo.... this clinic closes early 1 or 2 Wednesday's a month. Yup, and guess what, it just happened to be today. So I get into the clinic and the lady says I will have to come back tomorrow being they are closing at 12 today so I don't have enough time. And I say, Oh my doctor never said that you closed early on Wednesdays and she says, not most Wednesdays just every 2nd Wednesday in the month, which happens to be today. GAH! So now I'm stuck wandering around Zellers being my ultrasound is not until 2pm and there's no point in me driving back to Guelph just to come back to Fergus for that.
So after wandering for an hour or so, I went to McCraps and had some nuggets for lunch. During this time I drank my 3 glasses of water, did my last pee before the ultrasound (which is important for ALL pregnant women to do) then read a book for a while so that I could waist some time. The nice thing is the ultrasound tech is an awesome lady and I've had her for all of my ultrasounds so far. I got there at about 1:40 and got in fairly quickly (which rocks) and this one took a little while being we had to do more stuff than usual in order to get a correct cervix reading. So keep our fingers crosses that we don't hear from the doctor before our next appointment 'cause that means everything's good. The only thing I was concerned about was that the babies head was down but from what I have read online (yay internet) is that this can happen and that there's nothing to worry about. Some babies are head down for the whole end of your pregnancy and some will keep moving so the head could be down during the US but shift within a day or two.
So back to Fergus tomorrow for the blood work... attempt number 2 LOL :)
I had to go get blood work done, and actually still have to. The glucose test that I need to do (which is a normal test at this point in the pregnancy) requires you to drink the high sugar drink then sit in the office of the clink for and hour and then get blood taken. Sounds easy. So being I had an ultrasound scheduled today as well I figured I'd go up early and get the blood work done in the morning and then stay in Fergus till the ultrasound appointment. So I got up and took my shower, as normal, and headed up to Fergus. Now it's winter (if you haven't already realized that lol) and in Canada there's this lovely thing called SNOW.... so what should have taken me MAYBE 20 minutes to a half an hour took me more like 40 minutes. So between heating my car up, then driving to Fergus, then trying to find parking in the crappy small parking lot filled with people who couldn't drive, old people who drove REALLY slow and people parked on angles. My attempt at arriving at the clinic around 10:30ish turned into closer to 11:15. Now you think this wouldn't be a big deal. Most clinics are open till somewhere between 1pm and 3pm .... but Noooooooooooooo.... this clinic closes early 1 or 2 Wednesday's a month. Yup, and guess what, it just happened to be today. So I get into the clinic and the lady says I will have to come back tomorrow being they are closing at 12 today so I don't have enough time. And I say, Oh my doctor never said that you closed early on Wednesdays and she says, not most Wednesdays just every 2nd Wednesday in the month, which happens to be today. GAH! So now I'm stuck wandering around Zellers being my ultrasound is not until 2pm and there's no point in me driving back to Guelph just to come back to Fergus for that.
So after wandering for an hour or so, I went to McCraps and had some nuggets for lunch. During this time I drank my 3 glasses of water, did my last pee before the ultrasound (which is important for ALL pregnant women to do) then read a book for a while so that I could waist some time. The nice thing is the ultrasound tech is an awesome lady and I've had her for all of my ultrasounds so far. I got there at about 1:40 and got in fairly quickly (which rocks) and this one took a little while being we had to do more stuff than usual in order to get a correct cervix reading. So keep our fingers crosses that we don't hear from the doctor before our next appointment 'cause that means everything's good. The only thing I was concerned about was that the babies head was down but from what I have read online (yay internet) is that this can happen and that there's nothing to worry about. Some babies are head down for the whole end of your pregnancy and some will keep moving so the head could be down during the US but shift within a day or two.
So back to Fergus tomorrow for the blood work... attempt number 2 LOL :)
Jan 11, 2011
Tomorrow... Tomorrow
So I have a pretty busy day tomorrow. Have to get some blood work done for my Glucose testing in the morning, and then I have an ultrasound at 2pm. Which will be my third ultrasound and I haven't even hit the third trimester... but it's coming close. So we're trying to remain positive. 26 weeks tomorrow :)
Why is it that when one thing starts seeming ok, another thing goes to shit. Well my grandpa James had a heart attack on Monday, and it seems he's doing ok. Had to do a bunch of surgery but he seems to be pulling through (at least that's what my other family members who are around said) so that's good. I think I'm really starting to hate January and February. I'm already paranoid about things happening, and to have this happen (although so far so good) I can't help but be a bit anxious.
Polar Bear is back on Friday, and home for the next while. Not going back north for at least a few more weeks, which totally rocks. With everything going on it'll be nice to have him home again. This week and a half has been rough, I'm thankful that he's not doing trucking!
I'll let you know how everything goes tomorrow!
Why is it that when one thing starts seeming ok, another thing goes to shit. Well my grandpa James had a heart attack on Monday, and it seems he's doing ok. Had to do a bunch of surgery but he seems to be pulling through (at least that's what my other family members who are around said) so that's good. I think I'm really starting to hate January and February. I'm already paranoid about things happening, and to have this happen (although so far so good) I can't help but be a bit anxious.
Polar Bear is back on Friday, and home for the next while. Not going back north for at least a few more weeks, which totally rocks. With everything going on it'll be nice to have him home again. This week and a half has been rough, I'm thankful that he's not doing trucking!
I'll let you know how everything goes tomorrow!
Jan 10, 2011
Another Monday
It's funny, I never used to have a real problem with Monday's but the past few weeks they've been a little rough. I don't know what changed, or what altered my feeling toward Monday's but it's been with out fail that I feel down and tired and sad on most Monday's. I know part of it is my husband has been going north to Barrie from Monday to Friday, so it's my worrying and my being a little upset by him leaving. I know he'd hate to hear that I'm upset and I understand why he goes, and come Tuesday or Wednesday I feel fine about it. But I'm just not fond of Monday.
So today I haven't done much. I thought I was doing good taking a shower. This evening I am going to a friends for dinner so that should be nice. Sometimes it just helps being around other people to get rid of the Monday Woes but sometimes they get better when I'm out and come right back when I get home.
I think I do it to myself. I got up this morning feeling mostly ok, then I checked my email and my facebook. Which were both fine. But I did it again, after saying I wouldn't, I went onto the NILMDTS forums and seen how the women I've been talking to are doing. And of course, as seems to happen apx once a month, there's a new mom on the site. This is always a sad thing being the mom's on the site have all lost a baby in someway. I still feel like I'm different, it helps to talk about the loss, but most of the women there have lost due to still birth. It's insane just how many people lose their babies. I know in the grand scheme of things the percentage is not insanely high, but still... 1% or greater can equal hundreds in a year. So after not reading but noticing these sad things on the site I decided to try and cheer myself up by looking at the pregnancy calendar to see where I am and what's growing on our little one. And I really shouldn't have done this. They always talk as if the worst things that could happen are pain during labour, and whether or not to breast feed, and of all things whether or not the baby's room will be ready. Well that just makes me sad, and angry, and frustrated. No the worst thing that could happen is that the room could be ready but the baby can't ever enjoy it. I'm jaded, I know this. I'm also frustrated and sad and trying really hard to be positive that this baby, who has been kicking up a storm, will come home. That everything with Cole was a fluke, or something. But... I go back to being happy about the baby, enjoying her moving, then scared, then sad about not having Cole here, then frustrated that I can't enjoy this pregnancy as much as I would like.
So I'll try to turn my day around. I'll try attacking it in a different light. I will be thankful that most women and families can have a carefree pregnancy, where all they worry about is their Winny the Pooh Wall paper, and I'll accept that that will never be me. That I'll always worry and I'll always be scared in some part of me about this whole pregnancy, and that I won't be at ease until this little one's home and healthy and safe.
Happy Monday, hopefully the rest of the week gets brighter.
So today I haven't done much. I thought I was doing good taking a shower. This evening I am going to a friends for dinner so that should be nice. Sometimes it just helps being around other people to get rid of the Monday Woes but sometimes they get better when I'm out and come right back when I get home.
I think I do it to myself. I got up this morning feeling mostly ok, then I checked my email and my facebook. Which were both fine. But I did it again, after saying I wouldn't, I went onto the NILMDTS forums and seen how the women I've been talking to are doing. And of course, as seems to happen apx once a month, there's a new mom on the site. This is always a sad thing being the mom's on the site have all lost a baby in someway. I still feel like I'm different, it helps to talk about the loss, but most of the women there have lost due to still birth. It's insane just how many people lose their babies. I know in the grand scheme of things the percentage is not insanely high, but still... 1% or greater can equal hundreds in a year. So after not reading but noticing these sad things on the site I decided to try and cheer myself up by looking at the pregnancy calendar to see where I am and what's growing on our little one. And I really shouldn't have done this. They always talk as if the worst things that could happen are pain during labour, and whether or not to breast feed, and of all things whether or not the baby's room will be ready. Well that just makes me sad, and angry, and frustrated. No the worst thing that could happen is that the room could be ready but the baby can't ever enjoy it. I'm jaded, I know this. I'm also frustrated and sad and trying really hard to be positive that this baby, who has been kicking up a storm, will come home. That everything with Cole was a fluke, or something. But... I go back to being happy about the baby, enjoying her moving, then scared, then sad about not having Cole here, then frustrated that I can't enjoy this pregnancy as much as I would like.
So I'll try to turn my day around. I'll try attacking it in a different light. I will be thankful that most women and families can have a carefree pregnancy, where all they worry about is their Winny the Pooh Wall paper, and I'll accept that that will never be me. That I'll always worry and I'll always be scared in some part of me about this whole pregnancy, and that I won't be at ease until this little one's home and healthy and safe.
Happy Monday, hopefully the rest of the week gets brighter.
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