So I was able to be strong... and get the nerve to go into Cole's box. I went on a mission to find the health card without really looking at the rest of the stuff. Part of me is a little sad and guilty that I didn't spend some time going through everything to find the health card but it's just so hard some days. I opened the box and grabbed the government looking envelopes, found the one I needed, put everything back and closed the box again.
Maybe I failed. Maybe I should have been stronger and actually looked at all his little stuff that's in the box. But I don't know if I'll ever be that strong any time soon.
I called the company that wanted his information, some place called Ornge. I guess they deal with air lifting people to hospitals or between hospitals. When Cole was born in Fergus he was moved to Kingston's NICU by plane or something. So I called them and of course got a voice mail. I left a message with all my information that I think they needed. They actually managed to call me back 2 hours later letting me know that everything's fine with the health card and not to worry about the invoice. So that's a little bit of a relief. I don't know where I would have come up with apx $2300, so it means that that at least worked out.
So this little girl in my belly is moving like a crazy jumping bean. With Cole I mostly felt the kicks and movements at around 20 something weeks at night, I barely felt them through out the day. Now maybe I'm just more sensitive or thinking about it more, but she's kicking me all the time. Part of it is that I know she's carrying lower than Cole was and so she keeps kicking me in the pelvis and bladder area (which is not so hot when it makes you go pee at least every half hour to 45min, especially when you're trying to sleep). But we think we may have decided on a first name... now we're discussing a middle name... once it's all confirmed that we are happy with the name I'll let you know :).
So not a bad day all in all so far. A little tired, physically and emotionally, but hopefully that will even out.
Dec 8, 2010
Tomorrow... or should I say today
It is late and I am sad.
I'm a little frustrated about how none of our government bodies seem to ever talk to each other. Yesterday I received a bill for the plane ride for Cole from Fergus to Kingston, for a wopping $2000. They said I either needed to provide (as they called him) Baby Boy Poirier's OHIP card or pay the bill. Well, I put it off today. Tomorrow I will find some motivation and strength to go through Cole's box of stuff and get the damn health card so I can call them and give them the number.
I'm not even sure if the health card will work...
Do you know how hard and painful it is to have to call all these places and say, yes I have his information. He passed, will this still work???? I really really REALLY don't want to do this. I want to scream "F*&k you all, talk to the other forms of Gov't Damnit!" But they don't and they won't and I'll keep havening to call these stupid government things and tell them that I'll give them what I have but I don't know if it will work.
Well, I think bed is in order... maybe it'll give me the strength to face the pain that I know is apparent tomorrow. Heck, all I did was pack some of the baby things I was given (like bottles and stuff) on the weekend into my new hope chest and barely made it through that. This is not going to be fun to look through his stuff for one little card.... GAH! Sometimes I wish I wasn't as responsible as I feel I need to be. Sometimes I wish I could take these stupid things and put them in a drawer and deal with them later (or never)... sometimes.... but I can't and I won't so I'll suck it up. Put on my big girl britches and do what needs to be doing.
I'll let you know if I survive... I'm sure I will but doesn't mean it won't hurt.
I'm a little frustrated about how none of our government bodies seem to ever talk to each other. Yesterday I received a bill for the plane ride for Cole from Fergus to Kingston, for a wopping $2000. They said I either needed to provide (as they called him) Baby Boy Poirier's OHIP card or pay the bill. Well, I put it off today. Tomorrow I will find some motivation and strength to go through Cole's box of stuff and get the damn health card so I can call them and give them the number.
I'm not even sure if the health card will work...
Do you know how hard and painful it is to have to call all these places and say, yes I have his information. He passed, will this still work???? I really really REALLY don't want to do this. I want to scream "F*&k you all, talk to the other forms of Gov't Damnit!" But they don't and they won't and I'll keep havening to call these stupid government things and tell them that I'll give them what I have but I don't know if it will work.
Well, I think bed is in order... maybe it'll give me the strength to face the pain that I know is apparent tomorrow. Heck, all I did was pack some of the baby things I was given (like bottles and stuff) on the weekend into my new hope chest and barely made it through that. This is not going to be fun to look through his stuff for one little card.... GAH! Sometimes I wish I wasn't as responsible as I feel I need to be. Sometimes I wish I could take these stupid things and put them in a drawer and deal with them later (or never)... sometimes.... but I can't and I won't so I'll suck it up. Put on my big girl britches and do what needs to be doing.
I'll let you know if I survive... I'm sure I will but doesn't mean it won't hurt.
Dec 7, 2010
Some people...
As the holiday's are upon us all I can say is I don't truly understand some people. There have been a few cases (from the support sites I'm on) where family members of grieving moms and dads are trying in some ways to be considerate and end up being so inconsiderate to the feelings of the family. One case that truly upset me was of lady on my site's mom giving her a Christmas ornament with her name, her husband's name and the name of the dog on it. She didn't bother putting the name of the lost baby on it, or even asking before she gave them an ornament if they would like that. The fact that this mother thought she was sparring her daughter's feelings by ignoring the loss and not adding the name of her lost child could be understandable. But it's not right.
I will tell you all. If you know someone who has lost ANYONE... a husband, a child, a parent, etc, don't act like that person never existed in the world. Even if the baby wasn't with the family long, or at all, that baby still meant a lot to who the family is. If you are uncomfortable with asking the family if they want the baby included or unsure about the proper etiquette then either don't give the family a personalized item with everyone in the family's name on it, or give them an item and let them know that you didn't want to upset them and so left it blank so they could personalize it how they see fit.
Holiday seasons are never easy for those who have lost babies... all you see are happy families with children everywhere. They're in the mall, the grocery stores, everywhere. Most of the time it's not so bad but some days are always worst than others. Try to be considerate, and maybe if you ever have a bad point in your life, a loss of some sort that is very close to you, then they will be considerate and think of you too.
My heart goes out to all those who have lost and the families and friends who may not understand what is going on in their lives, hearts and head at the moment.
I will tell you all. If you know someone who has lost ANYONE... a husband, a child, a parent, etc, don't act like that person never existed in the world. Even if the baby wasn't with the family long, or at all, that baby still meant a lot to who the family is. If you are uncomfortable with asking the family if they want the baby included or unsure about the proper etiquette then either don't give the family a personalized item with everyone in the family's name on it, or give them an item and let them know that you didn't want to upset them and so left it blank so they could personalize it how they see fit.
Holiday seasons are never easy for those who have lost babies... all you see are happy families with children everywhere. They're in the mall, the grocery stores, everywhere. Most of the time it's not so bad but some days are always worst than others. Try to be considerate, and maybe if you ever have a bad point in your life, a loss of some sort that is very close to you, then they will be considerate and think of you too.
My heart goes out to all those who have lost and the families and friends who may not understand what is going on in their lives, hearts and head at the moment.
Dec 3, 2010
Christmas is coming... AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I know that's not what most people would write but what most people think. I need to really get my but in gear on making my Christmas presents for people. Mostly being I know I don't have the money to buy anything (heck my baking has been put on hold until I can spend more than 30 dollars on groceries) so this means I need to make stuff! I'm pretty sure what I am making most people, it's just to get everything done.
It's crazy to think there's only 22 more days till Christmas. I haven't even managed to drag up my Christmas tree and decorations from the basement. I'm having a little bit of size issues in my house and am trying to figure out where to put the tree in the first place.
On a completely different note, I have one ACTIVE baby in my tummy. And of course it's mainly active at night when I'm trying to go to sleep. I haven't managed being able to sleep until 1:30 or later the past 3 nights, every time I get comfortable someone likes to move and push and kick. This isn't much different than when I was pregnant with Cole except this little one's sitting MUCH lower than Cole (which I've been told is a common trait for girls vs boys) so the movement is pushing against my bladder or my pelvis, which feels weird and sore all at the same time. I'm glad the baby is moving this much though, I was getting worried when I couldn't tell what was movements and what was gas. So I decided instead of trying to sleep when they are that active at night I'll just stay up a little later and sleep when I can. Heck I'm not expecting to sleep once the baby's born so why expect it when she's growing in the belly?
So good luck to everyone who's crazy like me and trying to make Christmas gifts! I will let you know how successful I am LOL.
It's crazy to think there's only 22 more days till Christmas. I haven't even managed to drag up my Christmas tree and decorations from the basement. I'm having a little bit of size issues in my house and am trying to figure out where to put the tree in the first place.
On a completely different note, I have one ACTIVE baby in my tummy. And of course it's mainly active at night when I'm trying to go to sleep. I haven't managed being able to sleep until 1:30 or later the past 3 nights, every time I get comfortable someone likes to move and push and kick. This isn't much different than when I was pregnant with Cole except this little one's sitting MUCH lower than Cole (which I've been told is a common trait for girls vs boys) so the movement is pushing against my bladder or my pelvis, which feels weird and sore all at the same time. I'm glad the baby is moving this much though, I was getting worried when I couldn't tell what was movements and what was gas. So I decided instead of trying to sleep when they are that active at night I'll just stay up a little later and sleep when I can. Heck I'm not expecting to sleep once the baby's born so why expect it when she's growing in the belly?
So good luck to everyone who's crazy like me and trying to make Christmas gifts! I will let you know how successful I am LOL.
Dec 2, 2010
Sometimes...
Sometimes I am grateful for good friends,
Good food,
A supportive family
... everything positive in my life.
When you go through a bad experience, a hard time, sorrow and pain, you start to realize what truly matters in life. What is important and what is not. How some things that people thought, or you thought, or whatever, were important don't really matter. That somethings matter a lot more than hair, clothes, the next guy, whatever... they matter more than jobs, and money... they matter more than stuff. Somethings are a lot more important.
One of those things are good friends, and I have been blessed. I have, over the past few months, removed from Facebook and other means of contact people who don't matter, people who were not there in my times of pain, and sorrow. And I thank and love those who were. I am a strong believer that it takes two people to make a true friendship. That it can't be only one person, or one side, that makes the friendship! That both people have to work through it from their ends and meet in the middle.
So thank you to all my friends... and thank you for dealing with my mushy post... and I hope you all find happiness in whatever form it may come to you!
Good food,
A supportive family
... everything positive in my life.
When you go through a bad experience, a hard time, sorrow and pain, you start to realize what truly matters in life. What is important and what is not. How some things that people thought, or you thought, or whatever, were important don't really matter. That somethings matter a lot more than hair, clothes, the next guy, whatever... they matter more than jobs, and money... they matter more than stuff. Somethings are a lot more important.
One of those things are good friends, and I have been blessed. I have, over the past few months, removed from Facebook and other means of contact people who don't matter, people who were not there in my times of pain, and sorrow. And I thank and love those who were. I am a strong believer that it takes two people to make a true friendship. That it can't be only one person, or one side, that makes the friendship! That both people have to work through it from their ends and meet in the middle.
So thank you to all my friends... and thank you for dealing with my mushy post... and I hope you all find happiness in whatever form it may come to you!
Dec 1, 2010
So it's a...
Girl... at least 90% as the doctor said... Woot! I'm excited and now dealing with the emotional turmoil of the fact that Polar Bear already had a girl with his ex (not that we get to see her) and I failed on the boy front. I know I'm totally pathetic and creating issues. He said he's happy either way, I believe him (mostly) but I still feel responsible for the loss of our boy. I know I shouldn't, that I didn't have anything to do with the outcome, but I can't help it.
So now starts the "discussion" about names! Boy's names we have No Problem agreeing on, we both like boy's names that sound masculine. But girl's names are another cup of tea. He like's girly girl names... I don't... I like Parker... or Sam.... or something like that... he likes Isabelle, and other pretty names. We'll see how the discussion over the next 4 months (we're hoping here) goes and what we decide in the end. Knowing us, we'll pick a name and completely change our mind when the baby's born.
The doctor said everything looks good, next appointment is in 4 weeks... the 29th of Dec. I asked him about my increasing worries as the 29 week point gets closer and he said that he'll get us set up for another ultrasound at the next appointment. That means an ultrasound around 26ish weeks (about 2 weeks after the next apt) to check cervix length again, and just make sure every thing's good. So we'll see if I'll have a crazy amount of apts this time or not. He doesn't think I'll need them, but you never know.
So... for now everything's good, babies good, everyone's looking healthy... yay! Keep this positivity coming!
So now starts the "discussion" about names! Boy's names we have No Problem agreeing on, we both like boy's names that sound masculine. But girl's names are another cup of tea. He like's girly girl names... I don't... I like Parker... or Sam.... or something like that... he likes Isabelle, and other pretty names. We'll see how the discussion over the next 4 months (we're hoping here) goes and what we decide in the end. Knowing us, we'll pick a name and completely change our mind when the baby's born.
The doctor said everything looks good, next appointment is in 4 weeks... the 29th of Dec. I asked him about my increasing worries as the 29 week point gets closer and he said that he'll get us set up for another ultrasound at the next appointment. That means an ultrasound around 26ish weeks (about 2 weeks after the next apt) to check cervix length again, and just make sure every thing's good. So we'll see if I'll have a crazy amount of apts this time or not. He doesn't think I'll need them, but you never know.
So... for now everything's good, babies good, everyone's looking healthy... yay! Keep this positivity coming!
Nov 30, 2010
1 down...
Well today was the ultrasound. Other than the feeling of EXPLODING BLADDER (and those of you who've had one would understand) it went fairly well. The nurses (or whatever they are) won't tell you anything other than you look to be around the right due date (or not) and maybe show you a heart beat.
So I'm OK on due date still... we are still aiming for April 20th. The heart beat is right where it should be, and we got to see his/her little tongue and mouth making little sucking motions. At least the ultrasound puts to rest any concerns about whether the babies moving enough and stuff. So... in that way... everything is good.
Tomorrow we have our monthly doctor's apt. We are hoping that he'll have the results then for Sex... if not I'll probably have to call the office later on in the week or something. I was so nervous today before the ultrasound I had a hard time eating even... which is impressive for a pregnant woman.
Well, I'll let you know how tomorrow goes... here goes nothing :)
So I'm OK on due date still... we are still aiming for April 20th. The heart beat is right where it should be, and we got to see his/her little tongue and mouth making little sucking motions. At least the ultrasound puts to rest any concerns about whether the babies moving enough and stuff. So... in that way... everything is good.
Tomorrow we have our monthly doctor's apt. We are hoping that he'll have the results then for Sex... if not I'll probably have to call the office later on in the week or something. I was so nervous today before the ultrasound I had a hard time eating even... which is impressive for a pregnant woman.
Well, I'll let you know how tomorrow goes... here goes nothing :)
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