Should I ... or shouldn't I

So I have done it... again... I broke down and tried to create a character with my husband on WOW. I know the evilness of the whole MMORPG world but still, this may give us something to do together when he gets laid off for the winter. So here is my ode to WOW, thank you William Shakespear!

To play or not to play, that is the question...
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and arrows of outrageous resistance
Or to take arms against a sea of aliance
And by opposing end them? To die; to respawn
No more; and by a respawn to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That gaming is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be leveled. To die, to respawn;
To respawn; perchance to level: ay, there's the hax;
For in that likelihood of death what levels may come
When we have shuffled out of this lower zone,
Must give us pause: there's the addiction
...

OK, I'll stop... I'm lame LOL. I could continue with the whole thing but I thought I'd save you to pain of my WOWing!

So to play... we will have to see... as is life!

A 23rd of a day

So we have come to the 23rd of the month again! Oh how I hate yee!

I try really hard not to focus on dates and time periods and things that have past, but the 23rd is always a hard day to get through. Sometimes I have a great 23rd, sometimes it's totally crap... I don't really know what today holds in store for me, but here we are again, the 23rd.

I won't be one of those people who every month say... "Oh my baby would have been... months/years/etc" but the first year tends to speed by and your like.. Really? Already?

10 months... yup.... 10 months since Cole was born. We spent a hard (I will not lie and say as some "a wonderful whatever time") yes a hard 28day in Kingston general hospital. We had good days where our hopes were through the roof and bad days, where they came crashing down around us in a pile of broken glass ready to cut with any move you make. 28 days.

I can't say I've handled the 10 months so far completely well, but I also can't say I gave up and didn't handle it at all. I would like to believe I did well, all things considering, and that this pregnancy is whatever deity's way of trying to help. Of creating a new hope. Of being... but I can't help but wish that those 28days would have ended differently. They would have ended better.

So happy 23rd, hopefully yours is good. I will probably go out and by some candy and a bottle of Pepsi. We'll see, maybe this will be one of those great 23rds... or maybe not... we won't know till the day is over.

Cookies, Cakes, Candies oh my!

So I have been home, as those of you who read this know, everyday most weeks by myself. I don't think this is conducive to a healthy lifestyle. I love being home, most of the time, but to be left by yourself with your thoughts ALL THE TIME, may not be quite so healthy. So in the place of sitting here wallowing in my own grief, sorrow and fears I have decided to attempt (and I say attempt because most of the time that's all we can ask for) to be slightly productive in some way. I have started crocheting amigurumi for Christmas for friends of mine. I have been getting into a video game called Disgaea 3, which is very cute and appeals to the little Goth girl in me. And Now... my newest adventure that I'm thinking of trying ... Baking.

Now don't get me wrong, I have never failed at the baking attempts in the past, but they are usually only consisting of Breads. Being I love bread that has never been a problem, but now I will try some other stuff. My mom had visited me this weekend and gifted me the two staple cook books she used when I was a kid. This could either result in VERY GOOD food, and possibly a very fat baby belly, or could result in a lot of recipes being filled under G along with the food LOL. As testers I will be probably using my Polar Bear (my husband) and our room mate. If they don't die or throw up I will consider that a success!

Now the only issue with baking is supplies... bowls I have, mixers I have, pans and containers to cook in I mostly have... Ingredients... Now that's another story all together! This means I will need to make an extensive list of baking ingredients that I need and figure out a way to purchase them on my extremely limited budget! I am hoping this will be doable... I don't see why not, but I fail to have even the most basic of ingredients like Flour and Baking Powder/Soda... I also don't own any measuring spoons, but my mom didn't when I was a kid either, we just used regular spoons and approximated our ingredients accordingly,... so that should be fine.   

Now, out of the 2 well loved books, I need to decide what it is I want to make... or at least start with. I will probably make bread (cause I always make bread) so that I can eat it while I'm making other stuff. What this means is that no one else will probably get to eat any of the bread being most of it will be in my stomach! LOL! I want sugar cookies, gingersnaps, apple crisp....mmmmmmm apple crisp........ and I haven't decided further than that. Now doing these cooking attempts also means my house will be filled with food that I shouldn't eat regularly... so I will probably have to pawn off some of them to other people... whether that happens or not, we will see...

So wish me good luck, and if you see a large explosion of flour and baking ingredients coming from the NW side of Guelph follow the words of the Hitchhikers Guide to the galaxy... DON`T PANIC! Instead come over and have some treats, you may have to deal with me saying over and over again "It's Alive!!", but other than that I'll be fine :)

Congrats... I guess

I'm tired of saying Congratulations!
I'm tired of hearing about all the happy go lucky pregnancies, those that have never had an issue and probably never will. (And I do hope they never will)

I'm tired of hearing about all the new babies that are born, healthy and safe, and get to go home with their moms and dads.

I'm TIRED of saying Congratulations!

I happy for all of you who are happy, but do you realize that your kicking me in the face. I know you don't mean it but seriously... I don't need to hear about every burp, every poop, every giggle and every smile. I don't need to hear about it at all.
Yes I am pregnant as well... but it's not like you!
I will probably never experience another pregnancy like all you happy ladies who don't worry every minute, don't panic every day.
I am soooooooooo.... Fuckin happy for you, now could you please just all go away.

Everywhere I go, the plague of babies follows, every site I visit the constant posts about them... I'm tired, and it's late so I know it makes it harder but still!
It's great that your baby turned 5 mnths, 8 mths, 2 yrs, whatever!
I'm happy for you, I really am.
But seriously, can you not post something about your life other than that???

I will get over this, in my own ways... but at the moment I am tired of saying Congratulations.
So all you lovely people who are getting pregnant as well... Congrats... I guess.
I know you aren't thinking about it, you think I'm pregnant and should be happy, but it never goes away. Everyone can try to ignore what happened, and focus on only the "happy" ... and that's fine... but the happy doesn't need to be about your baby, child, kid ALL THE TIME!
I will never forget it, never ignore it,... It will always be there with me!
I am sad... Always... and by finding out your pregnant at the same time scares me. Scares me that I will loose another and have to face you and your new baby, just as I had to last time, and I don't really know if I can handle it. I really don't know...
I try to stay positive, I really do, but it doesn't always work.

I'm just tired of saying Congratulations to everyone else but me!

Dogs and Toddlers

No, I don't currently have a toddler. Well not in the official meaning of the word, but I have been referring to my dog as a toddler for the past 8 months or so and it seems fairly fitting. Today would, of course, be no different. As all toddlers do, all he wants is constant attention and if not he pouts. Just in the 5 minutes of writing this Blog he has managed to stand on my foot twice, tried to jump on my lap once and brought me his sock 6 times to play with. He seems to think that if he is not my sole focus of attention then there must be something wrong. When he does manage to finally get seated on my lap; he spins 6 times in various directions like my lap will all of a sudden change into a big pillow, then wiggles his bum into whatever spot (even if he won't fit) that he has decided was the best spot, then of course rests his head either on my arm or directly on the key board. In which case I then move him off my lap and put him either on the floor or the bed, which ever is closest, where he proceeds to get comfortable, look totally pathetic and sigh forlornly under his breath for the next 2 minutes.

This isn't much different when we decide to go out. He either sits at his bed, ears back and sad puppy faced, until our shoes are on, or goes all excitedly into his kennel looking at us like we are obviously going to be taking him wherever it is that we are going. Once he realizes that he is not coming with us he then proceeds to the first option of looking all sad as we go out the door. Once out the door he goes to our front window and pokes his head through the curtains watching us leave. As if to say "why aren't you taking me with you? I'm not a bad puppy! See I'm Cute!".

The question of the dog toy is also very much a toddler. Over the year and a half that we have had him he has gone through MANY and I mean MANY dog toys. They tend to last on average 2 hours to 1 day, but very seldom much longer than that. But just as a toddler tends to be more interested in a box than a toy, our dog is more interested in a sock than a toy. And not just any sock will do! It has to be one of Beau's stinky work sock, they seem to be his favorite, and if not any man's sock that has already been worn at least once. No clean socks for our puppy, they just won't cut it! No the stinkier the better. Once he has this sock, however, now you have to play with it, with him. Which means you must not grab the stinky, and usually soggy being he's been chewing it for a bit, sock and proceed to either play tug of war with it or turn it into a ball so that he can chase it. If there is an option between a sock and ball usually the sock wins out. The only thing better than a sock is a stuff toy which doesn't tend to last more than 2 minutes before there are pieces of toy and stuffing strewn all over my house, which means I have to pick up before the little rat decides to eat it with his morning meal and then poops fuzz for the next week. And if you have a small dog that is not fun, usually mean his poop gets stuck in his but by a string and I think you can see where this is going.

No matter what, however, I love my toddler dog. His incessant suckyness and his crazy dog ways. Without my dog I would be much more depressed, more often. It's nice to be wanted and needed no matter what your hair looks like... and the smellier the better. LOL

Writing Words

So lately I have been amazed and astounded by the capacity of words and my lack of writing ability. Now I can write in the first person my own thoughts and experiences, but the ability to write a story that is coherent and becomes a full tale from beginning to end has escaped me since forever. I remember doing writing assignments in High school and younger. I never fully understood them, or was able to create a fully individual imaginative concept to write about.

I'm not saying I lack imagination, I have done art and such forever. But the ability to write a story requires more than imagination. It requires an ability to put the words and pictures in your head onto paper. To not over describe or under-describe a situation, but to put the write amount of thoughts and words so that the reader becomes part of the moment, part of the scene, part of the story. That is a talent I have lacked forever. Maybe it's not a lack of talent... maybe I need to practice this skill... but like all skills if you fail to have the initial idea and initial talent, it's hard to build on nothing.

I feel that maybe in some ways I need to increase my vocabulary. Maybe I am lacking in the words department. Maybe that has been what has impeded my ability to write anything more than a blog or a series of thoughts. So I have adopted a word today. I know that sounds funny, but the oxford dictionary has put out a site to get people to use more words. Words that are slowly becoming extinct in the English language. I have adopted Medioxumate... it's an adjective describing gods of intermediate rank... they had an example of a sentence "Don't worry about these lower-ranking medioxumate deities - they're probably only responsible for making crickets chirp." LOL... Wanna know something funny though. My spell check keeps trying to correct the word into mediocrity LOL... I guess they have the same route, but seriously.

So go adopt a word, if you do let me know what it is, maybe I'll become a better writer with the more words I know. http://www.savethewords.org/ Can't hurt to try!

A Day as Any Other.

Tomorrow is 18 weeks officially... OMFG... I know! How it seems to fly, and how I'm slowly becoming more and more paranoid as the time passes. I'm worried about everything. It's funny how after a loss you read up and find support in other people who have also experienced a loss. The problem is that now that you know all the other things that go wrong you start getting paranoid that about everything!! And I mean EVERYTHING.

I'm scared, nervous and hopeful. I try very hard to keep on the Hopeful point and not dwell on the scared and nervous points, but that doesn't always work. So many people have lost babies in so many ways. I've noticed, however, that the bulk are either through Miscarriage or Still Birth. It's harder to find people who have gone through a loss after the baby was born, and if they did usually it was due to something that the doctors saw right from the beginning... which doesn't make it easier, just means that in some ways they are more prepared. I have yet to find another person on the sites I've been on who has loss a baby at 28days, who spent a month in a NICU, who had the roller-coaster ride that we had. That we dread.

People tell us it'll be fine, just wait till the babies born and everything will be OK! But unlike others who have loss, our baby seemed fine, and was born OK... and we still loss him. So we have to wait till after the baby's born... till the baby's home... that's when I will be OK. At least in someways!

Please let this baby be born to term, or close to term... I don't want to spend a month or two in the hospital... I don't want to worry anymore... Why can't I have a happy pregnancy???